Mothers Day

Ceitdh, I do hope all will be well with your daughter, and that she gets to enjoy her first mother's day, however she chooses to spend it. I'm sure, even if she spends it with her husband and baby, there will be a little part of her that will miss spending it with her own lovely mum, and changing traditions that you've all enjoyed for years. It's probably why she's not been able to make up her mind yet.

Ceitdh has been kind enough to return and explain her reasons for feeling the way she does (which I can totally understand), and also to explain her knee-jerk reaction, as we all say things in the spur of the moment, that we don't really mean, when we are upset. It's such a shame that after that some people still feel the need to post harsh comments, which are totally unnecessary.

Ceitdh, even though many of us here may not have agreed with your thoughts on this issue, it doesn't mean that we don't understand how you feel. Many of us have had to overcome the same feelings and similar situations.

Sigh. Ok i have tried explaining the situation but i am just going to leave instead. Thanks to everyone for all your thoughts but I am not up to reading all the attacks. I wish you all well.

This thread has weighed on my mind. IVF, no matter who paid for it, did not guarantee that pregnancy. I am certain her doctor explained that to her. The pregnancy just might have been unique unto itself . Even DNA testing could not disprove it assuming the egg and sperm were theirs. That baby may not only be a miracle, but rather a special miracle. Let's leave money out totally.

I think Cietdh should read her post back to herself till the penny drops that it sounds like shes having a tantrum because she wants it all her way, and why through the ivf back at her god knows why you would do that! Just be glad you are a grandma because of it.

Ceitdh , hope you’re daughter is feeling better, and pleased you’ve made peace with your disappointment over Mothers Day,

Whew!

Babyshark

I dont say it to them or anyone else i was just explaining our relationship due to the vast responses which appeared quite harsh as to calling me selfish. Thats all

And i have explained it was a knee jerk reaction

Don't be upset! You can have two lovely days with your favourite people. I'm sure you will feel better when that happens.

Sorry your daughter is going through such a hard time at the moment and awful for you, you must feel so helpless.

I would just say be prepared for your daughters to want to celebrate special occasions differently (they may not). Just because you had girls hours etc, you can’t place expectations on them if they have other ideas and you have no right to place your disappointment on them.

You list the things you do for your children and that’s great, but you chose to do them and they don’t owe you anything for it. You still come across as “look at all I do for them”. If you don’t mean it that way, just be aware that you could seem like you are holding these things over them.

Yeah she had said whilst pregnant just think mum ill be a mum too for our mothers day lunch i wont be the only one who is just an aunty! I was so delighted for her and just felt bit sad that i would miss her there and also that shed miss identifying as a mum with her own baby there too. But its irrelevant i just want her happy and pain free whatever they choose to do.

It sounds as though you've come to a place of understanding and acceptance Ceitdh and that's very positive. I hope you DD gets well very quickly and that you all get to spend Mother's Day in a way that gives you all pleasure.

Ceitdh Your post clearly came in as I was still typing. It all makes more sense now. We all sometimes suffer from knee jerk reactions. Hope everything works out for you

I agree with others. It's time to step back. It will be my DIL first Mother's Day this year, thanks to IVF. It would never cross my mind that they would choose to spend it with me. They are now a family unit and she will always come first for my son, but I will always be his mother. It's as it should be.

Was you own mother so possessive and demanding of you or did she set you free when you became a mother? Sorry if that sounds harsh but you did ask for thoughts.

Thank you all for your replies even although I have never been called selfish before in my life. I wrote the post on an intial kneejerk reaction from hearing the news and yes of course the responses hurt. I havent replied until now as my daughter was taken into hospital at 6am by ambulance with unmanageable arthritus pain and i went to meet her there and stay beside her. Shes had thix pain most of her adult years its horrific to feel so helpless and it put all thoughts of who is doing what on mothers day to such an irrelevant place. I really dont care just want her free of pain so she can enjoy her bsby. Its so horrible to not be able to help her.

However for a bit of perspective....
I have worked all my life to give both my daughters everything i never had. I have no fancy cars or fancy holidays or designer clothes in fact i buy very little for myself all my money is for my children and thsts the way i like it. Thats what gives me pleasure because one day i wont be here to give them treats or help them. Ive always been that way its my choice and its what brings me the most happiness. I just love surprising them and i go crazy at xmas lol love seeing their faces. I shouldnt have mentioned the ivf that was a petty knee jerk response to a sudden hurt.
As for mothers day all families celebrate these days differntly. In my family my two sisters and i always went somewhere special with my mother for lunch then once our children came along they joined us for that lunch. It was a female day with all us mothers and children included celebrating us all together. Grandmothers, mothers, daughters and grandchildren. Just for a couple hours of the day and we would celrbrate with our husbands in the morning or evening but this was our " girls hrs". We continued to do this when my sisters kids had kids and my daughters kid. So it was really hurtful at the time to hear my eldest wouldnt be coming.
I dont ask for anything from my children except to be appreciated and i originally saw this as her not appreciating me i know now thats so stupid as we are very close and its just truvial. Shes a beautiful soul so kind and loving and will be the very best mother her son is so lucky and i am so very lucky she has a husbsnd who adores her.
I did say to her btw i know about mothers day and its absolutely fine angel just enjoy - she replied that she still hadnt made her mind up but i am going to insist as her husbsnd obviously wants to treat her special. I will enjoy with the rest of the family.
I hopd that kinda all makes sense

You are very lucky to have your family whatever day. Just saying.

I also agree with the responses above. It's a really special day for your daughter and she should be able to enjoy it with her husband and baby. Family traditions get tweaked and modified over time to accommodate all the members of a family.
In my own family we used to have yum cha lunch on Sunday with all the children and partners. Since the birth of my grandson, I now have a wondetful family dinner on Saturday night prepared by my son and daughter-in-law, breakfast out on Sunday with my daughter and husband and then an afternoon with my grandson while my son and daughter-in-law spend some child-free time in a nice restaurant. It's a lovely weekend and really works well for us!

Good gravy nannan2 is it really that difficult for you to contemplate that this grandma doesn’t need to be the center of attention and catered to on her daughters FIRST Mother’s Day? Her SIL is doing as he ought, prioritizing his wife and the brand new mother. The idea of insisting that they still stop and pay homage before they can enjoy their lunch is the height of narcissism.

Of course her first Mother’s Day is special...but you are still her mother so why can’t she have her special lunch and see you in the afternoon.....or maybe all go out together.....I did this for years with my mother....I had a special morning with my children then joined my mother and unmarried sister for lunch....

I agree with Rosenoir. Paying for IVF was a generous, loving gift...not a permanent invitation into the days of their lives. Her first Mothers Day is a special day for her, her husband and that precious baby. Maybe you can give yourself the gift of memories dear.

I don't think you should be upset, it's just one day. I often don't see my children on mothers day and it's fine. Just try and be happy for her. It's understandable she might what to spend her first mothers day as a mother with her husband and baby. I'm sure it doesn't say anything about what she feels for you.

I think you’re completely wrong and unkind. Your daughter is a mother now, it’s HER turn to have a fuss made of her. Just let go and be pleased for her. When I had my children my husband used to drive round to his mother and then to mine on the Sunday morning with bouquets and cards for each of them from us both. Then he used to come back for Sunday lunch and spend the rest of Mothers Day with us. What’s the point of insisting you must all go out for lunch when she clearly doesn’t want to and create an “atmosphere”? And what happens to HIS mother on Mother’s Day?

Oh dear, how sad that a day that should be about showing love and appreciation has been turned into a squabble over who has priority for attention. I have 3 sons and they all have 1 or 2 children, I would be very upset if they put me before their wives. In my mind my best and proudest title is grandma, I’ve moved on from being a mum if you understand what I mean. These days most mums are working and full time at that, so time with their child is precious, surely a day when mum is the star is much deserved. This is my second Mother’s Day on my own but I will not be requesting visits or presents etc. It’s not that I’m an angel but the thought of 76pence postage alone makes me cross. I hope the OP can relinquish the control she feels she has the right to wield, otherwise she will alienate her family and runs the risk of having no relationship at all with her grandchild.

Only someone with no boundaries would suggest he should also cater to his mother in law who heaven forbid allow them a special day as a new little family and demand to be involved.

Apparently only “those types of people” are allowed to have time to themselves. Everybody else must cater to the rest of the world and their extended family at all times.

I have 2 sons and they invariably forget mother's Day. I may get a call on the day or a late card. I used to be hurt over their forgetfulness but not so much now. Anyway, you haven't been forgotten! What counts is how you are regarded all year round that matters most.

Very selfish attitude imo. Did you pay for IVF with conditions attached as that is how this sounds. Be pleased your daughter is with a kind and caring husband of course they want to be their own little family on Mothers Day. Get a grip and stop being so self centred and selfish.