Daughter moving 2 hours away.

Would you feel the same if the boyfriend was your daughter's husband and/or the children's father?

The children are young enough to adapt to a new school as I know from personal experience.

Is the partner good to your daughter? I could understand your anxiety if he was a bad lot and didn't treat the family properly.

2 hours away is not that far.

2 hours is nothing!

Your dd will pick her partner over her parents. It is how life works.

@jenpax...I ordered The Invisible String. Thank you very much for the suggestion and also for your loving advice!

@V3ra...You should be a writer. You write very eloquently! Thank you!

@Tangerine...our daughter’s boyfriend seems to treat her and the kids well, from what little time we’ve spent with him. He’s very introverted and doesn't talk much when we are with him. It just seems like he’s giving up nothing. He grew up with military parents and moved a lot so moving doesn’t phase him. His family is also nowhere near as close as ours from what my daughter has said. Our daughter is leaving her family and a great job to move with him. She had told me several months ago she would never move with him without being married first. Apparently that changed.

@everyone who responded...I thank you very much for taking the time and effort to provide me with some good advice and comforting thoughts! I felt your love! Peace!

Let go June it is imperative now

You are trying to answer in a positive manner because that’s what’s necessary but your heart is still saying ‘it’s wrong, it’s not fair, he s not like our family’ you CANNOT do this your daughter needs to get away to find what she wants not what you want and in her time not yours
my daughter is leaving her family NO NO NO she is moving a short distance away not leaving you
Be very very careful you don’t push them totally away
he doesn’t talk much when we are with them are you surprised i m not
My husband and I feel that her boyfriend is considering nobody but himself, NO it is the it is the complete opposite YOU are considering nobody but yourselves

You do need help to get a grip on yourself maybe some counselling could help but although you have been very sweet and agreeing with everyone who has given you advice on this forum you don’ t really see it at all as each time you come back with a big ole BUT

You are pushing her to move (and they may go further if you keep on) but the boyfriend will always be to blame won’t he ?
I know you will consider this a harsh post but sometimes people need the truth however harsh and the truth is you and your family are jeopardising your daughter and grand children’s happiness through your inability to let go of them

A pillow can add to your comfort or it could kill you by smothering you

june 3, I sympathise with you and understand how you feel. However, modern life dictates that people have to move for work. We moved halfway across the world to be with our grandchildren and even lived with them for 4 years while sil worked away during the week. He then took a job abroad and off they went. They came back briefly to the country but were still a 5 hour flight away. They have now moved abroad again and are a 3 hour flight away. It's tough but I know my sil is only doing his best to provide for his family and unfortunately the grandparents are at the bottom of the pile for 'consideration'. I would give anything for them to be a 2 hour drive away.

June I do sympathise. It must be heartbreaking for you. The gc will miss you but will adapt. And it's not so far. My daughter lives in another country with my 2 darling gc. I wish she was 2 hours away.
Unlike others, though, I would have preferred them to have been together longer before moving. Especially as she originally said she wouldnt move unless they married. Of course perhaps they have been a couple for years, I don't know.
However we have to let our adult children make their own decisions. All you can do is give her your blessing and let her know that you are always there for her. I hope it's the start of a wonderful life with her new partner.

When my children were little, my husband accepted a job overseas. I was an only child, and my children were my parents only grandchildren, and, like you said, they were their life! Needless to say, they were devastated that we were leaving, but they put on a brave face, and gave us their blessing to go, saying they would visit for holidays, and we could speak on the 'phone regularly (this was long before Skype, etc.!). Frankly, being a very close knit family, I was very upset myself at the prospect of leaving them, but they never made me feel any guilt, and only wished us well.

Fast forward many years to us becoming grandparents. DH and I are still overseas, some 12,000 miles away from our daughter, who returned to the UK and remained there after university; and our DS, DiL and our only GC are in another country which is a 4 hour flight away from us.

We make the most of the times we get to spend together on holidays, and speak to each other regularly on skype/facetime/etc. Believe me, a 2 hour journey by car/train is absolutely nothing these days! How I wish I could just hop in the car after breakfast and be there by 10/11am!

I can totally understand your upset, and of course you are going to miss seeing them everyday, but your daughter has her own life to live, and if she has found a partner who treats her and the children well, and they love each other, then you really need to let her go with your blessing, and be happy that she's happy. The children will adapt to a new home/school. They are not yet of an age where they will have developed very close friendships with other children, and they will easily make friends in their new school. Much better for them to move now, rather than when they have 'best friends' that they don't want to leave behind.

@BlueBell...I’m sure you mean well, BUT, as I stated previously, there is a lot more to the situation. I am just skimming the surface. I was trying to not make my initial post 5 pages long, so I summed it up as best I could.

Having said that, I AM concerned about the stability of their relationship. Only a month ago she was very upset because they had a big disagreement. She wasn’t even sure if he wanted to continue their relationship or leave. Supposedly he wasn’t sure if he was up to the task of family and father figure status. That is worrisome!

If it were just the two of them, that would be different, BUT it’s not just them. There are two young children to consider.

I will certainly wish them ALL well, remain in contact and visit them. And I will pray that they all can live a happy life together.

That's all you can do. You'll always be there for them if things don't work out.

I understand your concern. This is a fairly new relationship, young children involved any none too stable. Hopefully everything will work out fine but I suspect that you have your doubts. There's nothing you can do except keep on good terms and keep fingers crossed. However if it doesn't then it would be a good idea to step back rather than charge in and try to make everything ok. It's best that AC take responsibility for their lives. Smoothing a path constantly is not always the best thing to do.

Reading your post at 13.46 that must be worrying June. I would just say visit as often as you can and let her know you are there for her. We all worry about our children but we can't make choices for them.

From all of your updates, you speak about your daughter as if she were a child.

Is there a reason both you and your husband have chosen to infantilise this daughter so much?

People split up all the time and it is very, very difficult. But for you all (other daughter included) to move across the country and then to live with your daughter for 4 and a half years, raising her children, is a bit much. Was there no other way to help your daughter and allow her to retain her independence simultaneously? Single parents do manage.

You keep saying that there is a lot more to the situation but really, does it even matter? Your daughter is an adult.

It seems that you can’t let go of the role you have assumed and you keep trying to give yourself reasons as to why this won’t work.

Now you are concerned about the stability of their relationship. Relationships are not plain sailing. Perhaps its time your daughter stopped telling you so much because you seem to be using it against her.

You really need to back off here June3 before you push her away.

@GG65...FYI, we pushed to have seperate living arrangements when we moved cross country. Our daughter was the one who expressed the desire to remain under one roof. We had been living together prior to the move at HER request. Please don’t assume so much. Our daughter obviously felt she couldn’t or didn’t want to “manage” on her own.

Please refrain from posting any more to my thread. I’m finding you offensive, rather than helpful.

You are finding me offensive rather than helpful because you don’t like what I am saying June. I think you need to hear it though, because every other poster has told you the same thing - that your daughter is an adult, what she is doing is natural and that you need to let go. And all of your responses are but, but, but.

Posters, myself included, are trying to tell you that you are going to end up pushing your daughter away. But again, each response is but, but, but.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I feel there is either a lot that has happened with the children's father or you have some reason for being worried about the boyfriend. I realise you can't give us too much information but I do agree with others that you have to let your DD make her own decisions and get on with life. People move all the time for work and it is hard to cope with if you have been very involved with the GC. One of my DC is far more than 2 hours away but you will be able to visit quite often I should think. The GC will be off to school soon and life will change anyway. Hang on in there and hopefully everything will settle into a new routine for you all.

I think you're being rude GG65.

It's best that AC take responsibility for their lives. Smoothing a path constantly is not always the best thing to do.

I totally agree. We won't be here forever. We need to let our children learn to cope with life alone.

I agree with that too annepl we are not doing our adult children any favours by not letting them deal with their own problems.

How old is your daughter june Is this daughter you’re so worried about very young or very incapable ?
You moved cross country to sort her first relationship out for four years and during that time her sister moved her family to be near her too surely you can see this is not usual family behaviour Dont you think this must make her feel very small and incapable and now for the first time with the help of a new partner she wants to show you she can manage for herself and look after her own children every bit as well as you
Let her do it
Let her go

I understand the wrench you feel, but put it another way, at least they will only be two hours away. Mine are only 4 hours away, but I would be ecstatic if this was reduced to 2 hours.

Many grandparents are thousands of miles from their grandchildren. Often after having them quite close until the family emigrated

You worry about how old your grand children are now, and in a few years, moving would be better for you.

Moving after the children are in school and established is less than ideal. Moving before that happens is much better.

I am sorry you are hurting though.

The title of this particular forum is " Ask a gran" the poster has asked and got various responses. Unfortunatley not necessarily the ones she wanted to hear, Obviously there is more going on , as she has hinted, than is clear here. I have four adult children, two of whom have children. One set of family live 2 hrs away and we go to look after the children once a week. Two hours is nothing , believe me. You are very fortunate.

Perhaps your daughter feels this is the perfect time to make a break , safe in the knowledge she has another adult to help support her, but on different terms from a mother /parent relationship ?? Maybe this is the opportunity she has been looking for. A reason to put a little distance between you but still close enough for mutual visiting .

Your other daughter and son in law are close by, they voluntarily moved to be nearer so you at least have their company .

Please please, for everyone's sake, try and be positive about this , encourage the children to Skype and send little letters to them and maybe a small gift. Plan visits so it can be written up on the calendar for them to see.

You might be surprised at how well it works out , and one other thing, could I just say if it doesn't, try and be non judgemental ? Welcome them back as if nothing had happened and continue supporting her.