Gransnet forums

Ask a gran

Elderly parents

(8 Posts)
JuliaM Fri 06-Mar-20 22:37:07

If you do not have a Power of Attourney in place for your parents, then it would be agood idea to get one put in place whilst they still have the mental capacity to grant one. You could also contact the Social Services Elderly Adult care team at your local council, and explain that you are finding it difficult to cope with your husbands health problems, your Fathers situation and you simply cannot take on your Mothers needs as well. Ask for a Social worker to be allocated to you as carer of your Husband, then ask for a best intrest decision to be made regarding your mothers care. This will give the Social worker the power to arrange whatever care is needed for your parents as if they were the ones who held the Power of Attorney status for both your Elderly parents. My heart goes out to you, we have recently been through a similar situation with my Elderly Dad and Step Mother, and realise just how difficult this can be.

PamGeo Fri 06-Mar-20 21:42:56

Since stumbling across Gransnet last year I've learnt a lot, but one phrase I've memorised is 'no, that doesn't work for me'.

Practice saying it, to yourself and out loud, hearing yourself saying it and believing you have every right to say it.

Contact social services, your parents GP and state that you are no longer in a position to do as much for your parents as you have been doing.
Arrange for a meeting at your parents home that includes your sister and rearrange the appointment if she cannot/won't attend. The invite for your sister to attend should come from them and not yourself as your communication has broken down,
Keep thinking and stating your little mantra whenever you are being pressured into taking on care you are not willing to do.
I imagine your sister will revert to her lifelong habits of guilt tripping/ bullying/ persuasive techniques that have always worked.
You cannot change her, you can only change yourself and your responses to her.
I hope you can resolve the care of your parents so that you are not exhausted and they are safe. I hope you can have a more balanced life with your own husband and family but unless you change, this situation won't.
Good luck and be kind to yourself

M0nica Thu 05-Mar-20 15:06:50

Next time your sister cancels your arrangements, tell her she must look after your mother and back out. Ring social services and tell them that your mother is alone because you cannot cope anymore and your sister has cancelled the arrangements you made. Give them her name and details including where she is on holiday. Do not back down. Make it their/her problem, not yours.

Hithere Thu 05-Mar-20 00:40:54

You have to put your own oxygen mask before putting others.

Step back. Let your mother and sister made the decisions

SueH49 Thu 05-Mar-20 00:07:28

Do you have Power of Attorney for your parents? If not perhaps it is time to arrange that if you are prepared to have it. If you have that then you are the one that can legally make decisions about your parent's care. I think I would advise the relevant organisations that you are the point of contact and the one that is undertaking the care as needed. It sounds as though there needs to be a frank conversation between you and your sister and some things laid on the line about the care of your parents.

BlueSky Wed 04-Mar-20 23:03:59

Very good advice from Luckygirl You definitely cannot be expected to cope on your own especially as you have your own DH to worry about. Your sister's attitude is appalling!

Luckygirl Wed 04-Mar-20 22:52:21

Oh dear - she sounds a bit of a pain. I am sorry you are having to battle the care system as well as your sister's lack of co-operation - it must be so exasperating for you. I think you should issue her an ultimatum: either she lets you get on with organising care for your parents, or you will back out completely. I know this sounds harsh but I do not see what else you can do. She cannot undermine your sensible arrangements and then swan off on holiday.

I have been a carer for many years and I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you.

Social Services should never allow someone to be discharged from hospital without a proper care plan. It is very annoying when someone flies in ad makes a decision about capacity when you know the reality of real life for that person.

Insist on a proper needs assessment and a carer's assessment. Age Concern are good at guiding people through the system and are worth contacting for advice.

Twig14 Wed 04-Mar-20 22:39:54

Hello I’m actually under tremendous stress at the moment. I hsve both parents almost 100 yrs old in June. Since New Year my father spent 3 weeks in hospital ill he also has Alzheimer’s. No sooner was he home when my mother was admitted to hospital with hallucinations n then a fall. I managed to get my father into respite and today my mother has been discharged. However, I’m in a situation now where she wants my father to return home. My sister and I do not get on and she went awsy a few days ago on holiday. I wanted carers for my parents 12 months ago on the advice of my parents GP. It was set up but I then took a call to say my sister had phoned to cancel it as she had discussed it with my mother and didn’t want it. Today my father has been very confused and staff at the home ssid he’s had a couple of days like this. I have brought my mother to stay with me temporarily as I coukd not allow her to go hone straight from hospital to be alone overnight. My sister knew she would be alone before she went o. Holiday and arranged a bed to be brought downstairs for her. My DH is almost 79 and is not well and has a serious health condition which has to be regularly monitored. Because social services have assessed my mother and say she has capacity to make her own decisions I just don’t know what I can do. My mother refused to be on her own at night. I’m finding it so hard and don’t know what I can do. My sister and her family have ‘ghosted’ me for the last few years and say I hsve not done enough. My elderly mother stayed with me last August when my father was in hospital, again in January and is currently here again. My family live at the other side of the world. I barely get to see them. Last year my sister n bro in law had three holidays. We went awsy once in July as my DH was facing major surgery. My sister sent a message to my daughter ssying I should have been ashamed leaving two 99 yr olds and going away. My situation is tough but made worse by a sister who isn’t very nice. I don’t know what to do I’m at a loss, worried and upset . Any advice would be welcomed.