Should I meet my mum, 66yrs age and lives alone

Very difficult for you... i wonder whether a phone with the NHS or Royal voluntary service (RVS) volunteers might be helpful for her... also her GP surgery may have a nurse that could be in touch, and the Samaritans too
116123 I think
The main question here is about ‘Essential need’: Could you take her to GP just to get her anxiety acknowledged - as a Gran, I hope that she’ll allow you to help in a way that’s not breaking the rules....

You really mustn’t visit your mum, or invite her to your home. The only way we can beat this pandemic is by staying at home. It’s hard on all of us, but together we can get through this. Have daily phone / FaceTime/ Skype contact with your mum.

Agree with this..kindness..wont kill anyone.

Could you meet your mum for a walk in the evening after your toddler is in bed?

Your last sentence about mum doing nothing suggests that in fact she might be starting to show signs of something wrong. How old is mum?
Has she always been one to laze around, or is this something new?
I believe that we are all responsible for our own happiness. If mum keeps ringing you, put your answerphone on, and then set a time of day when you will ring her. My son has severe learning difficulties, lives in a flat with carer support at times. It's part of his day to ring me on the dot at 8pm. Unless there is an emergency he doesn't ring me otherwise. I'm afraid you are now at the point of deciding if you want to be a carer doing more, and more and more for the rest of your life until mum dies, or making a stand and learning to control mum. Not easy. Join Carers UK forum. Lots of people struggling to deal with the demands of elderly parents.

If she's suffering from depression, then one meeting, walk or whatever, isn't going to solve her problem. And I agree that taking your son is going to make it a lot more difficult. So you can't really offer long term support - I suspect if you arrange one meeting, without your son, it's just going to make her feel worse in the long run, because she wants the freedom to see her family when, and how, she wants. (Like many of us).

But if she's depressed, she can't pull herself out of it - she needs help. So maybe her appeals to you are literally a cry for help?

Is her surgery doing phone appointments? Could you persuade her to talk to her surgery and say she needs help? A lot of GPs seem to be very keen to keep looking after their patients to the best of their ability.

Has your mum got any hobbies apart from controlling you? If your brother thinks it's OK, tell him to come over and visit her!!
I agree that possibly a chat with her doctor could be a good idea?

Do not under meet up you have to obey the rules like everyone else what if you your son are a carrier and she gets sick you will both feel guilty. You must explain until the lockdown is lifted you cannot meet. Tell her to go for a walk every day

Sorry but I see no reason why you cannot meet your Mum in the park & have a walk with her. I go for a walk every day & usually end up walking with a complete stranger & having some very nice chats. As long as you keep at least 6' apart it is no problem. I just got back from Sainsbury's & the small queue to get in were keeping 6' apart- it was no problem. Inside the shop it was a bit more difficult but everyone was sensible & there was no risk that I could see,
Not sure about taking your son- I know how much I would LOVE to see my DGC- Would your Mum know not to hug him & would he be upset if she didn't? That one is up to you.

Definitely not. Mixing households is how the virus is spread. How is she getting her shopping by the way....is she going out to the shops. She is definitely not old at 66 by the way.

A very good ‘measure’ of whether to do something or not is ‘If you have to ask, you shouldn’t do it’.

@CPLJ I am 84 with underlying health conditions, but live alone and enjoy being independent. My daughter works from home and lives about 40 minutes away. She likes to visit me once a week. She arrives, rings the door bell, I then go and open the doors to the patio, and move back to my armchair a good 2 metres away. She walks around to the back patio, sits in a garden chair and we chat quite happily and safely for about an hour. I don’t know if you could place a chair in a similar way, speaking distance from a window. Would that help? My daughter brings me groceries and medication at the same time and leaves them on my doorstep.

Cplj.
Some parents are very clever at putting pressure on their children. Your mother is only 66 and quite capable of being able to get on with her life like we all do in these circumstances.
Let her know that you care for her by not visiting her as who knows where the virus is lurking. Your husband is right. She should not be putting pressure on you to visit.Neither should you give in to her selfishness.

Don't do it. Your Mum has multi-layered issues here. She is being selfcentred. Your priority is your family unit. Be supportive to your Mum through FT, Zoom or telephone. If she starts to be negative toward you calmly end the call. Also, suggest that she see her gp as soon as possible as you are concerned about her. Tell your family what you have said to her and why. Maintain regular contact, even though you don't enjoy it, but gently cut it short when anything negative starts. Arguing with her will achieve nothing other than draining your reserves. Don't allow her to manipulate you. It is hard but you have every right to get on and enjoy your own life. Good luck.

Don't meet her. You must do the right thing for your family unit. If you meet once, she will want it to continue. If your husband has been controlling in the past, it's likely he knew he had to assert himself or your mum would gain control over you. Maybe speak to her GP advising your concern for her. Then try to keep in touch in other ways and discuss some hobbies and pastimes that may be possible at home or online. Good luck.

Sounds like youre letting your child control you too! Hes 18mths just because he CAN walk/talk doesnt mean he has to! Stick him in a buggy for walk- so what if he throws a tantrum!

I completely disagree with this. This is terrible advice.

So the OP should put her young son in a situation where, given his age, has no other way to communicate other than throwing a tantrum because, let’s face it, what 18 month old is going to be happy about being kept in their pram in a park on a nice, sunny day, all to the please her mum? Who else does this benefit? Not the OP, not her son. What a cruel, unnecessary situation to put the child in. It would be best if he were left at home.

OP, the reason I haven’t taken my young son to see my parents through their window is for the exact same reason as you. He is too young to understand and I will not cause him any distress unnecessarily.

What if you did meet up at a distance with your mum (which is wrong to start with)? What if she kept coming nearer to you? You would have to keep backing away, which would make the whole situation more fraught.

You CANNOT meet up with people from another household, relatives or not. This is the whole point of isolation. What if we all decided that it was okay to meet up with others even keeping the distance? There'd be far too many people out there. The guidelines are strict for a reason.

It is incredibly hard, I know that. I'm at home with elderly parents who are both in the high-risk group. My niece will collect medication once a week but stands a good distance away from the front door when she delivers. She is an incredibly huggy person so this is very difficult for all of us. My brother does a weekly shop for us, leaving the shopping at the door.

I'm missing my boyfriend like hell - concerned for him as he's on his own in a flat with no immediate/direct safety access to a garden. But I will stay at home because I want this whole thing to be over. But it won't be if the guidelines are slowly chipped away.

Everyone has given great advice about activities & phone numbers, etc. Does your mother read? You can still order books online (independent bookshops really need our support) & have them sent to her.

Your priority, harsh as it seems, must be you, your husband and your child.

I'm nearly 65, your mum is 66, not 106.

I'm currently receiving immunotherapy treatment for skin cancer and can't go out at all, except for essential runs to hospital for treatment and blood tests.
I haven't seen my 7 year old grandson for a month, except through a closed car window on my way back from treatment 2 weeks ago. We What'sApp video each other every night though which is great.
You mustn't give into emotional blackmail. My mum was a wonderful woman, but prone to that herself - 'Look what I've done for you' etc. etc. Your mum sounds depressed - laying on the sofa all day isn't normal behaviour. If she won't seek help herself, there's very little you can do as her GP would probably say they couldn't talk you you without her permission as that would be breaking patient confidentiality.
If you feel you have to see her in person, go to her house and stand at the end of her path with your toddler in the buggy and have a chat, or she could go to yours, but I agree with other posters - don't let that extend into either of you going further up the path and ending in a visit inside the house. Don't go for a walk together either as you can't be sure she would keep to the social distancing guidelines.

You would never forgive yourself if you, your little one or your mum caught the virus, so stick to videos until things improve.

Good luck.

No sorry you shouldn't see her. I miss my children and grandchildren terribly but we haven't met up in person since before lockdown. We video chat talk on the phone and swap photos and messages Etc it's not the same and it's physically hurts not to see them. I also suffer from anxiety and worry I or they will die and we won't see each other again. But i still wouldn't suggest we meet up as much as I long to hug them I won't.

Absolutely NOT! You must not break the advisory rules whatsoever!

Seems to me that your mum is playing to your conscience! If she is active and fairly mobile she should be encouraged to go for a daily walk on her own and keeping a safe distance from all other people. Sitting on the sofa all day moping and feeling sorry for oneself helps no one!

FaceTime, phone and email but do not meet up with her!

Is it possible to meet in the woods or do you have to take her? If you could, you could walk and talk if you distance.

My husband ‘saw’ his mum yesterday. They sat well apart outside her back door and had a long chat, which made her feel better, and he left her some flowers.

Also, can she zoom or Skype?

I think sometimes people’s mental well-being is equally important. She can’t meet and hug you or your child, but you can meet if you distance properly.

I’ve just noticed she is only 66! What! The way you describe her I imagined she was at least 80.Like my mum who has not seen us for a month.

She needs a counsellor for the depression.

I think if you can take a united response you will succeed in persuading her that you are not going to see her or allow her to come to your home.

You say your son has tantrums and it sounds like you expect that your mother will have a tantrum too. I expect she will as you will be denying her something she wants.
Is that a bad thing? No in the case of a toddler or a mother knowing that we can’t have instant gratification for every want will only help us to be better people.

Talk to your husband about how you are feeling and get his support. It will not be easy but stay calm and stick to a script (write down what you want to say to her ) and don’t let your mother lead you off into areas you know will upset you.

If you are firm and confident with her in the end you will have a more healthy relationship. It will be very difficult but if you can get your husband to support you it is possible!

And Grandmattie- "going against your husband"??what is it 1950's still??im sure this lady does have her own mind too- she doesnt have to do what her husband tells her to(regards a walk) nor her mum either- & certainly not an 18mth old child! Despite her protests it sounds like she does miss her mum,even a bit,as do we all miss our relatives at this time- but going for a short walk IS allowed- for exercise and your all treating her as though she's comitting a crime! She needs to find a way to go for a walk safely,under her own rules.and stick to them.then she should be fine.and safe..But NO having her mum in house, until this is all over! And she needs to point that out to her sister as well,as the more people do stuff like that the longer this will go on!

66! My mother is 91 and having to cope alone, and only getting as far as exercising in the flats car park at the moment. at least yours can go to the park on her own