Should I meet my mum, 66yrs age and lives alone

You are both allowed to go out for exercise. Provided you keep your distance and don't go into her house or any other enclosed area, I can't see why you can't go for a walk.

I agree with those who think, whilst your mother may be quite controlling, it sounds as if she is depressed. If possible, as others have said, can you have a word with her GP?

Can your mother understand if she meets you for a walk in the park she and you will have to keep 2 metres apart at all times?

And yes! You are right, it’s definitely not going to work if you take your toddler with you to walk at a distance!

Hello,
Can you explain about your sister? Clearly she isn’t too bothered about the virus if she’s having overnight guests.

I suggest you call your mother with updates and if she has a smartphone suggest you do little videos of your little one to send her. My family use WhatsApp for this. It makes you feel closer without the risk.

My mother-in-law is not happy to chat through her window to my husband if he goes over with shopping. She thinks she’s being friendly but WILL insist on coming out. She tries to get him to go inside and “sit at a distance” it’s SO ridiculous.

I’m so relieved the controlling behaviour of your husband has stopped. If it has then that is indeed very good news. Is it possible that your mother thinks it’s ongoing and that she is being “supportive”?

Regarding your brother - I think that in some parts of the USA and among some groups there is a feeling that this virus is largely hoax. He probably thinks it’s not as bad as it is. And of course he’s not the one dealing with your mother!

Decide what you want and how you want to get it - e.g. keeping yourself and family as safe as you can from the virus, by not meeting up with anyone - and tell your mother this.

At the moment you don't know what to do because you are trying to listen to everyone.

The most important people, for you, are your husband and child so you have to do what's best for them.

Was your DM diagnosed with chronic depression? I can't say I've ever met anyone who enjoyed the illness.

My DM was very similar. She was depressed, but the cause of the depression was her jealousy. She was quite open about it when I said that jealousy was a very negative emotion and it was only making her miserable. She said it was a family trait and she couldn’t help it. In fact she seemed to enjoy being jealous in the same way as some people enjoy losing their temper and throwing a tantrum.

I would say go for a walk in the park with her, but would it lead on to her wanting more? A routine walk once a week, twice a week, coming back to the house for coffee and so on.

Can you not meet her but do not go into the house or touch her. As long as you stay apart a walk might help her.

I don’t agree that ‘she’s knows which buttons to press’ if she is suffering depression and it certainly sounds like it then she isn’t doing it on purpose She really needs to speak to a gp and perhaps get on some anti depressant
You’re very black and white Hithere her mother may be an adult but if she’s very depressed she won’t have the capacity to see she needs help

that last sentence VQ, is profoundly true. thank you. clear.

If she's suffering from depression she may not realise she needs professional help. I always feel least able to ask for help when I need it the most.

I think she should talk to the GP. He/she may not be able to help, but the mother isn't going to do anything herself, and at least a record will exist at the surgery.
I once called my partner's surgery (we don't live in the same house) when I had a phone call from him that was quite incoherent. I thought it was pneumonia. The receptionist told the doctor who called him back very quickly.
He ended up in hospital for a couple of days, and it turned out to be glandular fever.

I disafree OP calling her mother's GP.

Her mothers is an adult. She can call her GP if she feels she needs it.
OP is not responsible for her mother's health

She knows which buttons to push! Govt rules are quite clear that one household should not meet another. Suppose you met up and you caught the virus and were seriously ill or worse - how would she feel then? She is only thinking of herself which could be part of depression. Talk to her GP or try Mind

Maybe call her GP surgery and say you have concerns about her wellbeing and MH. She sound like she may be depressed but unable to seek relevant help herself. The GP may then ring her and give her something to help her feel less anxious and more motivated. I feel for you it is a difficult time for so many without all this added stress about your poor mum.

Cplj

Have you ever considered talking to your mother about what to expect of your relationship with her and what rules to follow (boundaries)?
Do you even know what you want, not taking into account her expectations?

This is a very unhealthy relationship. Her expectations are unrealistic.

Your dh has very good reasons to be frustrated. Your mother needs professional help.

Thank you very much to everyone taken the time to reply, i really appreciate your input and personal advice/experiences... family dynamics can be so hard and really mess with your own sense of wellbeing..

she could come down and sit in the garden but my little boy wouldn't understand and for me that's harder! he would get upset and feel rejected if he couldn't see her? my husband is working so couldn't mind him while we chatted, he would be with me..

thank again for replies. x

I don’t think you should meet her.If you,your husband or little one caught the virus while out you wouldn’t forgive yourself.
Support your mum by phone or talk to her through the window but don’t let her in the house.Tell her it is your decision as well as your husbands to follow the government guidelines.Dont let her drive a wedge between you and your husband.
I lived the life you are living with your mum for many years,it took me becoming ill for anything to change.How I wish I had found the strength years earlier to stand up to her.
Be strong for your little family.

Has your mam been diagnosed with depression? It sounds as if she may be suffering from it but she really needs to see/talk to a GP asap.

I did consider meeting with her for a walk in the park and she was ready to leave her house to come here. I just called and cancelled it. With a young boy it is no way possible for there to be no contact, he is walking/talking and would not understand why he can't hug his Nanna or play with her. In fact he would throw a tantrum!

I considered being deceitful and going without telling my husband, but all of it feels wrong. I can't take my boy and keep him couped up in the pram, it's not fair.

I feel like sometimes my mum wants me to choose, she wants to see me choose her over my family and that makes my blood boil. She isn't a massive fan of my husband and makes it fairly clear to me.

She is quite manipulative as then all of a sudden seems to feel ok when I push back, like oh i'm fine now and telling me about her walk..?

I sometimes think moving to a different country would be the best thing, like my brother did!

I think if you give in to the walk in the park it will become a regular thing and may become a visit to the house and then visit in the house.

I think a bit of tough love is needed,she is not your responsibility, it does sound as though she is depressed but will not seek help herself.

Be guided by your husband,he is not emotionally involved.

Actually, I am going to go against most of the other replies. I would meet your mother in the park - have a walk together - perfectly possible to stay apart (tell her that must happen before you meet). She is allowed out for exercise - you are allowed for exercise - so just exercise together (but 6ft apart).

If that works out then you could take the toddler in his pushchair with you another time - ensuring she knows contact is not allowed.

Door bolt sorry

Let ww3 start.

Dont be scared.

Your brother, being so far away, can claim he would let your mom visit him - when he clearly knows it is just words as he is not the one making that commitment

Your mother needs counseling. She needs to fix her life before she is part of yours again.

Do not open the door when she reaches your place. Do not acknowledge her.
If she had a key, put the door vault and barricade it.

In a way, be glad you are going to stand up for yourself, your dh and LO.

Your mother is selfish and toxic.

So she has been single for 25 years (has major issues with men) and lived alone since I moved out 12 years ago.. she doesn’t have any lust for life, no money ever and complains about the same things all the time, I do think she has major anxiety issues and shows traits of depression. She is going for a walk every other day (and makes a big deal of it too like she’s run a marathon) but the emotional blackmail is definitely a thing here.. I’m trying to get on with my life - there are definite elements of jealousy and envy from her toward me and it hurts so so much. She is on her way down and I’m trying to call to say stop and turn around. Although this could well start a mini ww3 in my family (siblings etc) she’ll go and play victim to them and say my husband is controlling (he has been at times in the past at times but not now and not due to this)