Husband not seeing red traffic lights

Sorry for typos, I can't seem to amend my post

Maybe things have changed then. My experience was in the 1990s and I found no support whatsoever. To be bluntly told nothing could be done unless there was an injury or fatality was unbelievably stressful for us as a family. Both my parents have dued now but it was an awful time abd tge stress it caused should not be underestimated.

agnurse, I agree that you can make many trips for the cost of running a car. It's very expensive but, somehow, people overlook the true cost:

www.thecarexpert.co.uk/average-car-costs-more-than-160-per-month-to-run/

Flygirl and others

There are now some guidelines for physicians on discussing driving with older patients. What might have been an option for your mother, and would be an option for anyone else who has concerns about someone's driving, is to mention the concerns to the person's health care provider.

A life without driving is perfectly possible (I've never driven) so do take away those keys!

Flygirl your mother took the right action in asking for your help.
You took the right action in getting your father stopped from driving.

You should not feel bad about it.
Whatever the effect on him, it is nothing compared to what you most probably prevented.

I agree with you that there should be much more support for someone in your situation.

Flygirl

No, I didn't miss your point.
Still very much irrelevant if something bad had happened.

Far North and Hithere.
I think you still missed the whole point of my post. My poor mother did not feel strong enough, emotionally or physically, to just "take away my father's keys". The fallout from doing that would have made her life with him sheer hell. Hell...she didn't even have the strength to refuse to be a passenger in the car. If you had known my father, you'd understand why. No, you are right, nobody should be made to feel bad about saving lives. In reality I'm afraid it really is sometimes not that simple when emotions are involved. Yes, of course we knew we had to act. Yes, I DID swing into action after I received her letter for help. No, I didn't get any support from authorities who told me they couldn't act until there was an accident. Yes, I did the right thing by informing the DVLA, having exhausted all possibilities of somebody else in authority having a gentle and quiet word with him. He disregarded anything his family would have to say. Yes, of course I had to do it! BUT ..make no mistake, we DID feel bad. Mentally he crumbled, and was never the same, but in the end it was his decision to hang up his keys when the DVLA wrote to him asking him to attend aan independent medical that he knew he wouldn't pass. The stroke didn't kill him, but his deterioration was marked. However the outcome was "good" and there was obviously relief from mum, but I cannot say, hand on heart, that what I had to do to achieve that outcome (i.e. lie to him) sits completely comfortable with me. There should certainly be more power/support for people put in that position to help steer the inevitable decision in the right direction.

Is he diabetic as this can affect eyesight. My husband is recently I have noticed when watching tv he can not read subtitles. He has only just had eye tests and new glasses. I suggested too him he did not disclose the problem to the optician. I got shouted at for stating the obvious of course. Some people (careful what I say here) just don't like to admit to a weakness. I don't want be accused of being sexist ! I have not noticed a problem when he is driving . I would be the first to say if I did.

No-one should feel bad about taking away the very likely chance of someone being severely injured or killed.

It could be the person you are concerned about who comes to harm, so you are protecting them and others.

Heavens above! - are you seriously letting this man drive a car!?

Let us hope it is not your child/GC/friend whom he mows down.

Please deal with this. I know it is hard. My OH had PD and wanted desperately to drive but I just said no way! I would do all the driving - which he hated - and in the end he forfeited his licence. I felt a heel - heaven knows he had lost so much and this was just rubbing salt in the wound, but no way could I let him put anyone at risk.

It could be cataracts, he needs an urgent eye test and shouldn't drive until then.

you are playing russian roulette with other people's lives.

Keep in mind that in most cases you aren't leaving them with no option to get out. There are taxis, buses, Uber, Lyft, trains, etc.

"But that costs money!"

Yes, but so do petrol, vehicle maintenance, road tax, insurance, inspection costs - it all adds up. You can take a lot of trips for that money.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I have three beautiful and beloved grandchildren.If they were run over by your husband could you live with yourself and could he?

GPs are usually doing phone consultations, just now, and may be easier to contact than an optician.

Yes, I don't need to be told I saved lives, including theirs, and I did the "right thing" but ......

Whatever the 'but' is in this sentence, it shrivels into insignificance compared to 'saved lives'.

You need to get this dealt with, Lollypolly.

My husband did this once early last year and I immediately had a serious talk to him about it. He was feeling depressed because of my bad illness prognosis and said he would be quite happy not to drive again. At that time with me unable to drive due to medication and needing to be at the hospital regularly we talked it through and he agreed he would carry on for the time being. We then bought a new SUV and went down to one car instead of two. He loves the new car and hasnt had a problem since.
Please take the keys away NOW and dont let him drive until he has seen a doctor or optician and has been given the all clear to drive. It might be something simple to sort out.

Flygirl please don’t beat yourself up over what you had to do. The illness took your Dads life, not you.
Better that you told the DVLA than something awful happening, then you would have had a terrible weight on your conscience.

Flygirl,

What if OP's dh and OP are driving the car that kills your gc?
How would you feel?

Woah!! All of you blaming this lady for being a partner in crime!! Stop. I can tell you. In 1979 my dad had a stroke which paralysed him on his right side. He was only 56 and still working. He fought back and insisted on driving again, but he should not have, because when he changed gear there was no control and he refused to have a modified vehicle as "there was nothing wrong with him". My poor mum feared for her life, but didn't drive herself. I was their only child and lived 40 miles away. She wrote me a heartfelt letter begging for help as she simply wasn't strong enough to stop him, emotionallyor physically. We swung into action getting advice and even called the police to discuss it. They were not interested, as they couldn't act unless he hurt someone!! In the end my only way forward was for me to report him to the DVLA. Can you even imagine how I felt? The DVLA asked him to go for a medical and he knew finally that the chips were down. He tearfully handed the keys of his car to me, which made me feel 50 times worse than I already did, as he never knew until his death that it was ME who "shopped" him. Yes, I don't need to be told I saved lives, including theirs, and I did the "right thing" but it doesn't mean for one minute this wasn't one of the hardest things I ever had to do in my life. In sectet. I effectively took my dad's life away anyway. Please don't put the blame on this lady as some kind of "accessory" as it is devastatingly difficult to get a good outcome without being emotionally drained in the process. We all know what we "should" do but try living with the consequences. Not all men will admit to the time being right to give up and will fight you to the death.
The police don't want to know and there is no support out there. So have a heart!

I knew it would mean hardship as I don’t drive... you do, so do it !

Lollypolly.... what! My husband was hitting kerbs every time he turned a corner, I begged him to get an eye test... he wouldn’t ....I hid his car keys , he had another set cut... I hid those.... massive row ensued,and I mean massive. He sold the car while I was at work next day ,without telling me. Finially had eye test and turns out he has almost no peripheral vision. At one time he actually said to me that thy kept ‘ moving the kerbs’. You know it’s the right thing to do. So do it NOW before that 3 year old is stood on the crossing!!

I think you must stop him driving just now as quite frankly he could kill someone. I would explain your concern to him and point out that he doesn't want to kill a child or end up in prison due to something which may be easily rectified. As said before get eye check done and then if that is ok I do think you need to consider inattention is due to some mental health issue and then see the gp. Unfortunately sometimes gps will not tell people to stop driving even when the evidence is that they should. You are in the best position to observe and take action to stop him driving even if it is an incredibly hard move. I know from experience that often spouses are reluctant if they don't drive themselves as this restrict freedom. But it must be looked at urgently.

Thank you, dillyduck

I am amazed how this is not seen as a matter of public safety and how you have to tiptoe around OP's dh to make him understand.

6 months driving in these conditions! OP and OP's are so lucky nothing major happened.

If a person like OP's dh has an accident, with people around him knowing he no longer has the skills to do so and my family/car is affected, I would sue them so bad. They are being so irresponsible.

There is a future tragedy that can be prevented.

It is the same case as alcoholics driving while intoxicated.
If you don't have the skills, step away from the wheel.
Think how you affect others