Mother/Daughter/Gran dchild relationship issues

Thank you all so much for your encouragement and kind understanding words. I can’t tell you how grateful I am and its really helped get things in perspective. For all those of you with your own similar problems I wish you all the best and let’s hope and pray this awful situation with Covid is over soon. Take care all!

Just be patient. I'd tell her how much you love her and that you are there for her. Tell her that she can count on you always. Share some of your own struggles with motherhood if she'll hear them. You just have to be present and mindful. She'll make it through.

My daughter is the same .... twice in the last two weeks she’s been ‘going to come over’ and sit in the garden and talk...but twice she’s cancelled for vague reasons! She has extremely bad asthma and I believe her anxiety levels are higher than most at this time....your daughters new baby will be causing her great anxiety at this time ....as well as great joy...Let her set the pace....it shouldn’t be long now before she begins to feel a little more safe.... small steps and great big understanding are needed in your case, as with my daughter. Good luck.

Would you/she be prepared to put out a message on a local internet site asking if anyone would like to join a zoom group for new/young mums?

There must be others in the same situation. Perhaps contact the local NCT branch to ask about zoom meetings. The first one seems a bit odd but fine now.

If she is breast feeding a counsellor might help. Sad that such a happy time is overshadowed. Does she have a partner who helps?

That you are aware of possibly saying the wrong thing is a good start I think . I would try to be encouraging and positive whenever possible . Admire how well the baby is progressing etc.

Congratulations on becoming a Gran. You don’t mention if the baby’s father is on the scene. If he is, could you have a quiet chat with him, and ask if she is like that all the time, or just with you? I remember feeling very isolated when I had my first child. A husband working three shifts, so I had to try to keep the baby quiet while he slept. Also in a new area, with no backup from friends or family, and the coldest winter we had had for many years, in a poorly-heated house.
Looking back, I’m sure that I had post-natal depression. I knew nothing about babies, and I think that my nervousness probably made the baby more difficult.
If you think that she isn’t coping, I would try to contact her local care team, discreetly, and ask them to call.
I hope that things improve soon.

Gosh, how difficult for you. Was wondering, if your daughter lives nearby, could you perhaps do regular very short visits? I mean distance respected, of course, but perhaps it would give you both something to look forward to. I emphasise the short so that neither of you is overwhelmed.

A first baby is such a shock to the system

Truer words have not been spoken ?
I have 3. People asked me what was harder going from 1-2 children or 2-3 Children and I say hand on heart 0-1 Nothing prepared me for motherhood.

My dd was very much the same with her Number one child.
I did say that whatever, I would always love them both,and if I said anything that upset or bothered her then she should say,and I would say too,as we've always been honest and open.
I also said that if there was Anything I could do to help,if I was able I'd do it.
I'd also say I was sending loads of virtual hugs.
A first baby is such a shock to the system.I feel for her.

I'd also say I'm sending you loads of virtual hugs.

I would re ring the health visitor and talk about your concerns, they are discreet ( ask her not to mention that you rang). I had a baby a year after my mother died and the health visitor became like a second mum

I can’t imagine how worried you are. And I sympathise with your daughter so much.
When lockdown happened my baby was well a baby.
In that time she’s learnt to crawl, walk and say some words. And it’s hard to accept that my mum who has been such a significant part of my older twos lives has missed all of that.

What I will say is 4mo is horrendous.
There is a growth spurt that usually entails crying constantly, feeding constantly and very very little sleep. It’s pushed me to the limit every time.
But it ends as quickly as it comes.
I hope you’re all OK. And this will end soon.

Honestly * Debutante*, this is so common at the moment, you could fill a directory! I think this generation are generally more anxious as new/ young parents. Not surprising with the amount of ‘ advice’ they’re given from so called experts. I’ve seen it in all our children with our grandchildren. The Covid crisis has just exacerbated this. Try not to worry. She’s still very early days post natal, and I would bet she really appreciates you, although it may not seem like it at the moment. Just remind her you’re there to help not hinder, and that she’s very loved along with your new grandson. Congratulations by the way, and hope things improve soon?

Must be so hard with a new baby during the lockdown. It should be one of the most joyous times for parents and grandparents. And much of that has been stolen away from her. Just make sure she knows that you are there for anything she needs. Perhaps you could buy some little treats for her, rather than the baby. A mother can be a little forgotten in the excitement of the new arrival. And perhaps a day out if you have somewhere nearby where you could take a picnic. Just so she has a chance to chill. I hope things get better soon.

Hi Debutante, this post could easily been written by me. I’ve had exactly the same situation. First and only GD Was born on the 8th March. I can’t say or do anything right as far as my daughter is concerned. I try and make light of it by joking with her husband as to how many minutes she will be with me before she’s telling me off or having a go. She had the same problem with midwives and Health Visitors. But fortunately I worked with our local HVs for many years and although she lived in a different borough they helped her. But never any thanks to me. She has also refused to let me ‘bubble’ with her. I live on my own. So all I can do is sit back and wait.
It’s hard. I just hope one day she realises what she is missing.

I sympathise so much! Those early days are pretty hellish at any time : I always felt that I was just about scrambling through them and in lockdown it has been so much worse.
There are no clinics or visits from health visitors, even six week checks are done by phone. As NotSpaghetti noted normally you would be meeting other mums at NCT getogethers and baby groups which give you support and reassurance, but there is nothing. At the same time there is the awful spectre of COVID 19 which adds to the fear
Hopefully, as the baby thrives and life falls into a more of a routine your daughter’s confidence will grow but I really don’t think that you can compare her situation with anyone who has had a baby in more normal times. All you can do is listen and tell her what a wonderful job she is doing.

Have you mentioned to your daughter that you are afraid she might take advice the wrong way?

Most of us have memories of our mothers or mothers in law handing out a great deal of advice, which we didn't want.

Tell your daughter this and say you received advice that really was interference and that you would hate her to feel that way about the advice you give.

She might just be taking your lack of advice as lack of interest!

Congratulations Debutante on the birth of your first grandchild! It is the start of a new life for you all. Yes, Covid makes all things difficult. Your daughter will be worried about being responsible for this tiny life, especially now. Does she have Zoom meetings with others with new babies? Or relations who have small children? Something along this ilk might be helpful?

When I had my first baby I took far more notice of what friends advised rather than Mum or Mum in Law. I am sure your daughter is missing her friends & needs to be able to talk with them. Can she do a ZOOM meeting with them? It is very easy & a great way to keep in touch. Our WI has done them since the lockdown & both my yoga teacher & dance teacher do them daily.
If she has a PC or a tablet she can certainly set it up.

I was like a coiled spring for at least a year with my first baby - bit everyone's head off and felt so full of stress, and so inadequate. It was sad as I missed out on a lot, and I can understand how you must be worried. If you are relaxed in her company that will help, and perhaps a lot of 'what do you think? when she asks you for advice might prompt a discussion rather than her getting up tight if what you feel is a good idea doesn't match her feelings.

Well my daughter has not had a baby but is working from home who lives on her own, and has asthma and she is stressed out like mad, we cant even have a proper conversation but with just having had a baby at this time like you say its hard going out and about, and meeting the other mums is a NO NO, i myself did not realise i was down after my 2nd child and my husband did call the health worker who called round and it helped in just talking to another woman, being no one from either side of the family. I wasn't given medication only support which is what she needs even at this time it probably will be a chat/video call conversation over the phone. Good Luck.

lots of love. Took me back to when DD and D Dil were new mums. You are doing fine - you are seeing your DD and baby so know they are safe and well. Baby seems to be thriving. DD is having baby blues and is obviously anxious. We all wanted to be the best mums and to do everything right. She will be completely different when she has baby no.2 - and so will you. Try to continue to not give any un asked for advice. No "we did this in my day. Perhaps go for a walk with them - sometimes things are easier when outside doing something. Lots of love and praise - for your lovely daughter and, of course, the most beautiful GC ever. Even with lockdown HVs can be contacted if there are any issues with baby or mum - Enjoy their company and relax - don't let DD feel she is being watched.

Debutante - I would continue to see your daughter from a distance - and over coffee or whatever just float your own idea that you think all new mums are having a rough deal and missing out on chatting with other new mums etc - Get her feeling on that and try to work your way round to suggesting her GP can refer her for some support / counselling which. An be done via telephone or zoom/Skype - so you’re taking a back door into what she really needs which is post-natal counselling - I’m not suggesting she’s depressed at all - just suffering from the isolation and obvious anxiety of not knowing whether she’s doing right or wrong and she may not be getting regular sleep either.

Exactly Coco51 - she is the expert on her own baby.

I always prefaced advice to DD with ‘We used to do xyz but things have changed since then, best thing is to gather as much information as you can, and then go with what you feel is right for you and baby’

One of my daughters would have been like this had she had her baby this year I’m sure.

If the baby is growing then that’s one thing she’s doing well with. Remember to praise all the good things.
I would say, how great to have a baby growing so well, so beautiful, so smiley, so alert, whatever is appropriate.

I’m assuming this is a first baby. Keep praising everything that is going ok. If she is eating things other than ready-meals, if she says she’s hoovered! I’d try to stress the normality of the stressful sleepless time with a young baby.

If she’d been going to baby groups with other mums, they would have told her their own horror stories and they would have shared laughs and worries. She needs that now I think. Admit to your own early-days problems so she knows they are entirely normal.

Obviously if she is depressed this does need help - but otherwise you may be able to be the person she is safe to “have a moan” to.

There may be online peer to peer support available too. It might be worth googling that. If breastfeeding, La Leche is excellent. See if anything is in place virtually instead of NCT meet-ups. Check out local groups, they may have socially distanced mum and baby walks for example.

Good luck. I hope things generally improve for you all soon.