Feelings of a new grandma

Many congratulations on the arrival of these precious babies to everyone in the family.
Difficult at this time for anyone giving birth or any of their close family.

I would say the fact that your DD is gaining support from her parents and your son from you, is quite normal. Can only suggest that you always make a point of asking how DD is of your son. Is there any reason that you yourself can't call her direct and have a quick chat just to say that you are there for her too?

Later down the line, just make yourself available for lots of babysitting - even having them to stay overnight when possible.
Help now in practical ways by making sure that they have plenty of food available that is quick and easy to cook - spending so much time in the hospital, they won't want to bother with the shopping and cooking, speak to the other grandparents and instead of working as two sets, get together and work as a support team, share information between yourselves so that you can all form a support circle for now and when the babies come home, just do whatever is asked of you if you possibly can.

I’ve never been in this situation, my eldest son had 2 sons with my DIL, and her parents lived 200 miles away. My other son, his partners Mum had sadly died when DIL was 11, so I was the main “to turn to Nanny”, carer, babysitter etc. My DD, her in laws live 70 miles away, so I often ended up with all 5 GC, and loved every minute. If I was in your position, I think that I would write a short personal letter to DIL ...... express your joy at the birth, recognise that it’s only natural for her Mum to be the main support for her to turn to .... then adding your excitement at meeting the babies at some stage and just offering any help you can. This way it’s letting them know that whereas you do accept the situation, you are there in the background when they need you .... and it’s a very subtle, please don’t forget about me !

I would just send a text saying that you are thinking of them and hoping they are well. Then add, ‘ just let me know if there is anything you want me to do’

You have to be very laid back as a grandparent. More so I think if you are a paternal one. Just stay quietly in the background, offering help only when it is asked for.

I have not found any difference in how my GCs react to me from sons or daughters. As very young children, they are more comfortable with the grandparent the know best. As they mature that difference becomes less. As long as you don’t overwhelm them, with request for cuddles etc. Let the children get to know you at there own pace.

Please don’t say anything about being desperate to hold them. Midwives advise nowadays is not to let too many people touch the baby. This advice was pre CV19 and applied to full term babies as much as -rem ones.

Congratulations to you all. I totally can understand your concerns. Being a first time grandparent is a very new to you too. Being a new mum of twins she will welcome any help going. Don’t worry about the twins not knowing you - they will soon realise how important you are and you will be so very special to them.

I don't think anything prepares you for being a grandparent. I wasn't allowed (no-one was) to take my first grandson out in his pushchair for the first year. His mum has anxiety. At the time I was devastated. But eventually that changed and he is 10 and we have such a sweet relationship. As I do with his mum because I managed not to show her how I felt. I was proud of my son, who dealt with many tricky situations. I learnt though that being a grandparent is a whole new life, and it takes time to work it out. Things will settle down. Congratulations!!

Congratulations on becoming a new grandparent! Your feelings are not selfish, or irrational, they are perfectly normal!

We all know that most daughters will gravitate towards their own mother, rather than their MiL, it's just the way it is, and completely natural. As a daughter, I remember having my own children, and mainly only wanting help from my own mum. But, having become a GM myself, I totally understand that many paternal GMs can feel left out. Take it from one who knows, it's a feeling that is best kept to ourselves but, I promise you, that it does get easier.

I wish that I had found Gransnet before I'd become a first-time GM, and listened to some of the great advice offered here. Without going into details, we had a few issues with the maternal GPs (who we've always had a great relationship with), and I stupidly let my feelings be known ... a mistake that I regret to this day! However, testament to our great relationship, we managed to sort things out, and now have a mutual respect, and understanding, for each other.

Be respectful of your DiLs relationship with her mother. Let your son and DiL know that you are there for them, to offer any kind of support you possibly can. Whether that's just lending an ear listening to their concerns ... offering any advice, but only when asked for ... or any physical help, such as cooking a meal, or doing some laundry. Obviously, due to the current situation, some hands-on help won't be possible, but just letting them know that you're there for them, if there's anything at all you can do, will be very much appreciated.

There will be plenty of time in the future for you and your husband to enjoy spending time with your grandchildren, and they will get to know, and recognize you.

Due to living overseas and, because of the current situation, not being able to fly, we've not seen our little GD since December but, thanks to regular video calls, she's not forgotten us!

It's a very emotional time for all of you, especially with one of the babies not being well, and needing tests. You are allowed to feel the way you do, and reduce to rubble if you want to!

All the best to you and your family. You'll have many happy times ahead to look forward to!

Let's not forget some parents do not want help and want to take care of their kids themselves.

Let them call the shots and give this time to evolve.

It will all work out

Oh yes! And be well aware: a daughter's mother is usually interested in supporting her daughter. A MIL is mainly interested in the baby she has produced. This dictates how much access people get. It's just how it works...

Remember your DIL’s mum isn’t there for the babies, she’s there for her daughter, who has just given birth/and or had major abdominal surgery and will be shattered and hormonal.
I doubt she will be having much contact with the babies while your son is on paternity leave.
It’s a terribly worrying time for them, of course you are worried, but they are the parents and it’s really important you don’t burden them with your worry, worry your husband or friends with that but not them. The circles of support all lean inwards, not outwards.
The babies need as much time as possible with the primary caregiver in the early weeks, to build their bond, feel secure and not experience stress and raised cortisol. Even without Covid19 and any health issues, it’s best for other family and friends to keep their cuddles brief unless asked to hold the baby while the parents do something.
The twins won’t remember their first year, these first weeks and months are no predictor of what your future relationship with them will be like.
I hope the poorly little girl does well

Congratulations to all. What a wonderful outcome after all the interventions. I know you cannot wait to be with them, but the times make that impossible. Be proud of your son. He is proving what a good man you raised. He will be up to the demands with the support of all that love him. Maybe you could do daily voice messages for your son to play to the babies so they will hear the love in your voice. If the babies do not have breathing tubes, he could record their sounds for you. I worked in critical newborn ICU years ago and as a rule of thumb, the babies must get to what would
have been the due date before everyone can take a good deep
breath. This time is usually a week or two shorter for twins.
Start a journal of your feelings during this time to share with the babies as they get older. I wish all of you the best.

Oh and don't read MIL threads...they'll destroy you. Just keep those opinions in your head.

A DIL can tell her mom off for her offenses with a newborn...but a MIL's offences are just barely tolerated.

My MIL is an amazing person. I love her. But we're going through a rough patch. I think we are realizing that MIL and DIL with young kids can be like trying to co-parent with a well-intentioned stranger...

Be kind to yourself!

Hi! I'm a DIL and my in laws became too pushy and by nature they are resistant to change. They have a daughter who has 3 kids who were all taken care of by grandma within the first months. I haven't left my child with MIL yet (or anybody!). I don't have a mom, so I don't know about maternal grandparents, either.

I will say that

1) do not get insecure or jealous. You'll feed that wolf and it will only get bigger. You'll always look to confirm that bias

2) don't get pushy or they will push right back

3) always be available for childcare as much as possible

4) you don't have to worry about your grandkids needing to hear your voice or know your face. They don't need you. They need their primary caregivers: mom, dad and medical professionals

5) the mom may need her mother. She may not. The maternal grandma might get more time with the kids early on. Oh well. If you are easy, free and happy to be included, you will also get lots of access to these kids. But you have to let them go through the storm first...they'll open all doors to you when they are ready.

6) Reiterate how much you are available to them and make sure you take care of the mother and father. The babies really need healthy parents. So when you go over, give them prepared meals and do cleaning IF they want that. Don't hog the babies and always defer to Dil to ask her opinion first. Give a crying infant to its mother or feel her wrath.

7) It's going to work out. Don't get paranoid or needy. They have enough on their plates.

Enjoy being a grandma. You'll have plenty of good times.

It is a very worrying and stressful time when this happens (without Covid-19 also in the maelstrom).
Your DiL will always go to her Mum first for help - it is the natural way of things but does not diminish what you are and what you can do unless you make it so. My DD1 had IVF and DGS1 was born at 31 weeks. It was the most worrying time of our lives! We had the call during the night that her waters had gone and they were rushing to the hospital and were asked if we could go to their house and clear up multiple towels in the bathroom and bring a bag to the hospital. PiL were going abroad on holiday and next day were advised to continue with their plans so they went - nothing would have made me go but I was a nurse and knew what might happen. DD1 developed an infection and then went into labour and DGS1 was delivered healthy but premature. We saw him next day in SCBU when he had CPAP (what they used with Covid patients in ITU) but was stopped fairly quickly. He had antibiotics as did DD1 in case of sepsis. You can't put into words how worried we were about both of them and her DH came to sleep at our house so had to support him too. We were despatched to JL to buy preemie vests and baby grows and preemie nappies and we just dealt with things on a day to day basis. We visited SCBU every day - grandparents had a pass - and read him stories through the incubator and did washings, fed SiL and provided things they needed. His parents were updated while away and we kept away when they came home to allow them time to bond with their grandson. He is now 6 and just had an excellent school report even with lockdown. He has a sister now - also IVF and also had her problems but not as serious. We are quite different from PiL but get on well with them and we all give as much help as is required and the children accept us all as we are and love us all. My DD1 does approach us with problems first but that is the natural way of things and it is best not to over analyse but accept that your DiL has her own Mum but try not to feel put out by it. I expect if my DS and partner have a child his partner will want more help and support from her own Mum so I don't know how I would feel - maybe the same as you. The thing is just now both parents will be extremely anxious about their daughter and trying to cope with their premature babies, and beginning life as a family in a hospital setting with coronavirus still around so try to downplay your fears and do what you can - washing, providing food, getting a list from SiL of things they need.
I do hope that your granddaughter is ok and you can all prepare as a family to welcome the twins home soon xxxx

Congratulations on your new grandchildren. To answer your questions:

1. The babies are only a few days old and in special care. Other than the babies and parents, I expect everyone is somewhat left out of seeing the babies. A few days, especially when one of the babies is unwell, is not enough time to decide if you are left out or not. Give it time. Things are still fresh and unsettled for the new parents. I doubt they have given a moment of thought to grandparent roles as of yet. They are occupied with other things.
2. Of course you want to see these babies and are sad you can't. I know I'd be itching to visit. With Covid and their premature state though, what's best for them is that you stay away for now. That's being a good grandma, that you do what is best for them even if it isn't what you want.
3. It's natural that you are worried about the baby being unwell. Hugging her is probably not in her best interests though. Probably her parents are having limited time with her as it is.
4. You're not a bad person but don't make it a competition. You don't know how the relationships will work out yet. It is natural she is closer to her own mother and might see her more, but it doesn't have to mean you aren't important or excluded. It's just different. How proactive is your son at including you? If it's not as much as you'd like, don't blame the DIL for it.
5. He has a sick baby, of course he is concerned. He'll do fine though. He's an adult and will find his feet like any other new parent. I understand your feeling anxious about not being able to be there in person to hug him and support him though. He's a grown up though and him and his wife are no doubt supporting each other. Just give him a listening ear.
6. The twins will come to know you in time. Everything and everyone is new to them.
7. Your husband is right, as hard as it is. The last thing these parents need is a grandparent adding stress with their feelings. Look for support with a friend or on here. They will remember if you made these days stressful with your feelings. It's best they remember that you were supportive and easy at this time.
8. I was a very young Mum and I didn't need support or find the transition to motherhood a shock. Remember they are adults. When they are home, ask if you can bring them a meal, hold the babies while Mum gets a moment to take a shower or nap, do some housework for them, pick up some shopping, or just deliver something to their door step. Don't assume they are helpless or can't do it without support. When you offer support, make sure it doesn't sound like you think they can't do it without you.

Let the relationship develop, babies are only a few days old.

What lovely news! - congratulations!

All grans (new and old) are finding the limitations imposed by lockdown hard - so you are in good company. This too will pass!

Don't spoil the lovely moment by fretting about things you cannot change.

Of course your son will find it hard - any parent of twins would - but I am sure you have brought him up to be resourceful, so just trust him.

V3ra is right, its not a competition with the other grandparents, don't let resentment spoil things.
Your son and his partner will cope, it may be difficult at first but they need your support, its not about your feelings.
Finally congratulations on your twin grandchildren, they will bring a lot of love and pleasure to both families.

have a read of MN, where the MIL issue comes up a lot
OP I’d stay away from Mumsnet if I were you. The milk of human kindness is in rather short supply over there, and if you’re not already paranoid about your relationship with your son’s partner, you will be after you’ve read a few of the MiL threads on there ?

What V3ra said.

Keep in mind that how much time the other grandma spends with them is not really your concern. The children will get to know you.

When I was growing up, Mum's parents lived about 2 hours' drive away so we saw them every couple of months. Dad's parents lived 6 hours' drive away, so we saw them 2 or 3 times a year. But we knew exactly who they were. I have fond memories of coming to their farm, walking in the door, and seeing a batch of Grandma's homemade buns or her famous cinnamon buns on the counter, of riding in the tractor with my uncle, of going down to the barn to see the cows or down to the river for a picnic.

My sister and her family live in New Zealand (we are in Canada). My mum went to visit them a few years back, and it was about the second time my nephew had seen her, the previous time having been several months before, at least. Mum said that when she met them at the airport, she could see that nephew recognized her. Maybe he didn't know exactly who she was, but he knew that he had met her before.

Should add if you're buying nappies (or anything really) ask what brand they prefer as well, as they do vary and parents have their favourites.

Your emotions must be all over the place! What a long awaited event.

Send your son's partner a personal message of congratulations, not just one through your son.
Say you know her mum's on hand but ask her to let you know at any time if there is anything you can do to help.

One thing they will certainly need plenty of is nappies, so maybe they'd appreciate a regular delivery of them? Have a look on Amazon if you're not near enough to drop them off yourself.
My daughter was always grateful when I took nappies when we visited, but make sure you check the size they want first.

You could also send the other grandma a nice message/card/flowers saying how much you're looking forward to when you can all get together.

Please try not to come across to them as needy, even if that's how you feel. (Save that for on here).
Your son's role is to support his partner and children and yours is to support him and his new family. Don't make him feel he's got to worry about you as well.

I do hope the little girl is ok.

Those babies will know your face and voice, you will build a relationship with them but it's not an overnight thing so have patience and it will happen.

Congratulations to you and Grandad!

i wouldn't be angling to do their laundry.
that's one of the things that can really upset/ annoy new parents. unless they specifically ask you to do this, don't suggest it.
hello fresh do not provide ready meals, as far as i know. they are a collection of ingredients and directions for fancy meals.
not the priority need at the moment.
have a read of MN, where the MIL issue comes up a lot.

It’s an anxious time.
My daughter has just had her first baby, a tiny boy under 5lbs by caesarean.
She lives nearby and all I’ve been able to do is admire him though a window, talk to her by zoom and message her.
She knows I want to help her more than I can.
As a new parent you need support and answers to those worrying questions that occur.
Let her know you’re there for her but don’t pass on your anxieties.
And it’s not a competition with her mother.
Like you I long for cuddles, and they will happen.

Congratulations Blnn0! Its wonderful being a Grandmother for the first time but oh how I remember the doubts as well.
I was lucky in that my DD was no longer in touch with the father (long story not for now!) so I was the only Grandma but that brought other worries! Could I be as good a Grandma as mine had been, would I be able NOT to interfere, and of course wasnt I too young to be a Grandma!?
My Grandson was also ill shortly after birth so worried about that as well.
I got through all that and I love the bones of GS ( but still get told off for interfering sometimes!)
The day is coming when we can hug them all. Yes your twins will get to know your face, and yes probably your DIL will gravitate to her mother but that is normal.
All I can really say is be supportive and loving from a distance for now and dont forget to tell your DIL (and son) how proud you are of them producing these 2 darlings.

Firstly, congratulations. It's great having grandchildren, and you've got 2 straight away.

1. I should hope your son' partner ISN'T your daughter!

2. The babies were born a few DAYS ago. You'll have plenty of time to be able to cuddle them and be in their lives. They don't know anyone or anything yet. They WILL get to know you and to recognise you.

3. I'm sure the baby girl is getting the correct treatment and she'll be fine.

4. Yes, the maternal grandparents will possibly see more of the babies than you (didn't you see your own mum more than your MIL when your son was little?)

5. Your son is a grown man with responsibilities, something he's chosen to do. He will manage fine without mummy cuddles. (we all muddle through it)

4. The babies are a few DAYS old. Stop thinking so far ahead. You'll have years with them.