Feelings of a new grandma

I have been through this although it was one prem baby. He spent three months in NCU. I saw him.about three times over that period and held him once on mother's day. You probably wouldn't be able to.hold the twins till.out of hospital. It all went pear shaped for us. Her mother came to live with them from overseas and is still here. We weren't even allowed to.hold him when he came home. He was 12 months old before my husband held him. Everything came to.a head as we weren't even welcome on the house. We had a period of three months when our son cut us off because we complained. We are now talking and we see our dear GS once a week. We are not allowed to.have him on our own and there are no.babysitting duties. I am.jealous of her mother seeing him all.the time including my son. It hurt dreadfully and I got counselling. Nothing is ever going to.change. I hope you have a better experience than we did but don't make waves because your son will.be forced to.take sides and that will not be you. It's sad but true.

Put together a lovely new mum pack just for your DIL, baby magazine, hand cream, eye cooling mask, small sweets/chocs. Be friendly, ring her when you know it's not a busy time and ask how things are, try not to always just speak to your son.
Try not to show jealousy of maternal Grandmother. Try and be friendly and supportive. Your turn will come.
Might be worth befriending DIL's mother.

Don't make them feel bad or guilty in any way, they won't be able to cope with it.

Nansnet has got it spot on. I'm a paternal grandmum and of course I felt it when my dil's parents got to go into hospital as soon as my first granddaughter was born whereas we had to wait until they came home with the baby.

But I've looked after my granddaughter for one day a week since she was 9 months old and we've got a great relationship.

Also as a child my mum's mum lived with us but I still adored my dad's mum and dad and saw them regularly and had a wonderful relationship even as an adult.

You will get the chance to build your own relationship with your grandchildren in time. Everyone will be dreadfully anxious at the moment while the little girl is poorly but you can't protect your son from that, only be there for all of them and remember your dil's mum will be feeling just as worried and anxious. Maybe you can be in touch with each other and offer mutual support. But never let on you feel envious.

Ps my grandson was born in March so I couldn't hold him or even see him other than at a distance for 3 months but my dil tells me he hears my.voice on the phone and smiles.

Your time will come but most importantly offer unconditional support (as best you can in the current situation) to the new parents who will be in a state of dreadful anxiety about their daughter as well as the usual chaos after a new birth.

Hoping you get good news about your granddaughter soon

Sorry I've posted twice - not sure how that happened but not sure how to remove!

My first grandchild is due later this year and my DS and DiL have just moved in with my DiL's parents. They will live there until after the baby is born, then soon after that they will be moving overseas as DS has a new job. I'm resigned to being a long distance granny, at least for the first few years. They plan to return to the UK after 2 or 3 years but that's a long time to wait. Although I'd love to be nearer I realise it is out of my control. I know the other grandparents will see the baby first and have more time in the early days, but we all get on really well and I'm sure I'll be included as much as is practical. I live quite a long way away too. It would be difficult to visit without staying over so I just hope that will be possible by the time the baby is due.
When my children were young they saw their paternal grandparents regularly, partly because they were more pushy and partly because they only lived about 70 miles away. My own mum lived over 200 miles away, didn't drive and was in poor health so she only saw us once or twice a year. At the time I didn't really think too much about how she felt about how little she saw us. She had other GC living nearby but she was the paternal GP and she definitely lost out there as the maternal gandma was very close to her DD and my mum only saw them fairly infrequently. I regret not making more of an effort to see her more as my children didn't have as close a relationship with her as with my in-laws but that was just the way it was.
If you all live close I'm sure you'll see your new GC much more than my mum saw my two. Making yourself available for babysitting will go a long way as well as a willingness to help when asked and NOT offering advice UNLESS ASKED! My in-laws were demanding, interfering and at times missed out because they wanted to see us on their terms without considering that we had our own lives to lead and what they wanted wasn't always convenient for us! Be flexible, patient and do it their way and things will work out I'm sure.
Hoping your DGD is soon well and safely home and you don't have to wait too long to see your GC. and Congratulations!

You’ve received a load of excellent advice here, I’d just like to commend you for recognising these issues and feelings you’ve got and seeking some input around them. Congratulations on your new grandchildren! My only advice is to be patient. Having preemie twins would be stressful in a normal world, so with the way things are just now everything will be heightened.
I had a close friend whose twins were born at 27 weeks and are now thriving and boisterous 7 yo boys, my friend said to me that the people who kept her sane during that horrible hospital stay were those who she could rely on to talk about other things - obviously still caring about and asking about the boys, but also helping distract her and keep her grounded. That and doing practical things like providing food, laundry etc. She knew everyone was desperate to see the boys and her in laws made her feel like an invisible incubator - she didn’t matter anymore. As much as she understood the emphasis on her boys, she mattered too and after going through a pretty traumatic birth it really affected her relationship with them for years because all they cared about was when could they see the boys, when could they touch the boys, when could they hold the boys etc. Hopefully you see this as a cautionary tale and having already identified some of these anxieties you’re able to find a healthy way of coping with your (natural) worries without impacting any future relationship.
Wishing you all the best and I’ll remember your GC in my prayers tonight (I hope that’s not offensive to you) x

My first grandchild is due later this year and my DS and DiL have just moved in with my DiL's parents. They will live there until after the baby is born, then soon after that they will be moving overseas as DS has a new job. I'm resigned to being a long distance granny, at least for the first few years. They plan to return to the UK after 2 or 3 years but that's a long time to wait. Although I'd love to be nearer I realise it is out of my control. I know the other grandparents will see the baby first and have more time in the early days, but we all get on really well and I'm sure I'll be included as much as is practical. I live quite a long way away too. It would be difficult to visit without staying over so I just hope that will be possible by the time the baby is due.
When my children were young they saw their paternal grandparents regularly, partly because they were more pushy and partly because they only lived about 70 miles away. My own mum lived over 200 miles away, didn't drive and was in poor health so she only saw us once or twice a year. At the time I didn't really think too much about how she felt about how little she saw us. She had other GC living nearby but she was the paternal GP and she definitely lost out there as the maternal gandma was very close to her DD and my mum only saw them fairly infrequently. I regret not making more of an effort to see her more as my children didn't have as close a relationship with her as with my in-laws but that was just the way it was.
If you all live close I'm sure you'll see your new GC much more than my mum saw my two. Making yourself available for babysitting will go a long way as well as a willingness to help when asked and NOT offering advice UNLESS ASKED! My in-laws were demanding, interfering and at times missed out because they wanted to see us on their terms without considering that we had our own lives to lead and what they wanted wasn't always convenient for us! Be flexible, patient and do it their way and things will work out I'm sure.
Hoping your DGD is soon well and safely home and you don't have to wait too long to see your GC. and Congratulations!

Congratulations from one nanny of twins to another. Just one point to make really. Out twins arrived at 31 weeks and were quite poorly for several months. (both fine now). It was an insanely busy and stressful time for all, particularly the parents. They had no close family. We are 4 hours away and paternal grandparents 3 hours. EVERY BIT of offered help was gratefully received and both grandmothers took turns to stay over at times and help. So my point is thus, having twins is exhausting and you will almost certainly be welcomed with open arms when CV allows.

Congratulations. Do hope the babies thrive. Of course of are feeling you are/will miss out, don't think there is a GP in your circumstances who wouldn't feel the same. Why do you feel the parents will need help? There a tendency for people to think a baby, even two needs a hoard of people to assist. I was in hospital for 6 weeks before my twins arrived. No help other then DH who did help with two and a half year old DD when he wasn't at work (no parental leave). Give the parents a chance to find their way. Make sure they know you will be available to help out if they want when Covid-19 circumstances allow. I have a GS 500 miles away and have to accept his other GPs will be more on scene, can't change it so no point in moping about it!





sta es

My dil had prem twins and a 2 yr old.. she was defensive with me which I found very hurtful at the time. Her hormones were all over the place and I didn't take that into account. She is now the most wonderful mum and I look back and wish I had been more understanding. They are totally immersed in their new babies and that is how it should be. Your turn will definitely come!

I dont know what the rules are now in SCBU but when I had my prems it was parents only allowed to visit .When my son was born his GP's were allowed to look through the window but only because we had lost a pre term baby before and they hadn't seen her at all
.Dont build expectations ,please ,you'll only get hurt if things aren't how you want them to be

.Concentrate on beng a shoulder for your son to lean on,having a prem baby is one of the most stressful times he'll ever have to cope with ,its literally living from breath to breath and watching the machines blink is all that matters

.Hopefully your babies ,both babies will be well and home by their due date but again dont build expectations,be realistic your son snd DIL will want to keep them out of harms way and while you obviously wouldn't wish harm to them you will be out of the loop for a while ,Settle for online contact until life is more normal and be the MIL your DIL needs and put what you want on back burner .

Instead of giving the babies a present ,pay for a cleaner to come in every week when it's safe to do so. I did this for my latest grandchild for 6 months and his parents have kept her on ever since! It's natural to feel how you do but things change every day with babies. Offer to baby sit when they feel ready and let the parents have a few hrs to themselves.GIVE NO ADVICE UNLESS ASKED.

The whole original post is about you.
If you are elated, imagine how much more elated the parents are - infertility is very hard.
If you are worried, imagine the parents- 100000% more

Not a kind word for your dil, who just went through hell to have those babies.

Your son is an adult and he will manage just fine. No need to worry about him as if he is learning to ride a bike at 5 years old.

Please drop your expectations, what makes you feel better (hugging the medical fragile little girl) and the competition.
Dont make this a self fulfilling prophecy

All the feelings you’re having are absolutely understandable.Just times it by 4 and it might be close to how your son and dil are feeling right now.
It will get better and you will be able to give them a hug,just not right now.Even in normal times I doubt they’d allow you to cuddle the baby that’s not too well.
Support your son.He’ll be looking for emotional support while he’s supporting his wife and she’s probably an emotional wreck at the moment.Your time will come.Its just disappointing it’s not right now as you hoped,but it will come!
Good luck!

'I’m worried about my son being dropped into fatherhood'
How belittling.
He is an adult who has gone through the IVF process multiple times. He will be far more prepared for fatherhood than many.
His worry right now are for his poorly daughter and her twin. They are his primary concerns and will be for evermore.
Cut the apron strings and suck it up.

Congratulations B1NN0, twins, how lovely. I do hope the baby girl gets better soon.
Daughters do seem to want their Mum's help after giving birth. I have three Sons but no Daughters although DiL 1 and 2 preferred to be at my house than their own Mum's (but that is another story) so I was furtunate in that I got to spend a lot of time with my new Grandchildren. Dil 3 has a close network of family, so I didn't get to see that much of their child plus they live about 200 miles away.

Try not to be jealous of the time the DiL's parents spend with the children, I know it is hard. Just go with the flow and don't complain but make a big fuss of them all when they do come to visit. Make sure you have plenty of toys to entertain the children too, and play along with them. They will love you.

I was told that the hardest part of being a Grandparent is knowing when to keep you mouth shut! But let them know you are there to help if they need it . This is a learning curve for the parents too.

Your relationship with your grandchildren is generally dependent on how you treat the parents! If you are competitive and demanding, they will back away and your opportunities are limited. So, just be there without being pushy and offer any assistance without any expectation. Try not to show you are hurt if the other grandparents are the first to be involved because that will make waves. Just show interest without giving advice and accept that the parents won't have the energy or hormonal ability to worry about you or your feelings. One of the major things I learned was that advice can easily be misconstrued as criticism and starting sentences with "In our day..." without ending them with "but this seems so much more sensible!" was implied criticism. I thought I was just noting the differences but hey ho!
Seriously though, when the angst has been removed by the babies being well, you will get your chance to become a cherished Nan. Children generally start to make up their own minds about who they have a connection with so try not to worry too much. If you've had a good relationship with your DIL up to now, I think with a bit of careful navigation and respect, you can continue to foster that which is key to successful grand parenting.

Congratulations. Being a gran is the best job in the world

Tell her that you're not her mum, but you want her to be able to ask you for help/support just as if she were your daughter. That includes telling you to back off. Jobs she wants/needs doing, babysitting, you and her mum want to be at the front of the queue. As soon as lockdown is over, go out for lunch/meal/drink with her mum. Tell her you want to be the best gran you can be.

Good luck

Congratulations!! Being gran is the best job in the world!! Do you and other gran live near your son? I think as time goes on your position will pan out, if you are on good terms with your son then there is no reason you should be left out. My GD comes to me occasionally and other times goes to her other G. The one I feel sorry for, DD2 is a single mum to a 6 year old boy. The dad does look after the boy, but his mother has no idea of my GS's existence!! It means I get to look after this delightful little boy more often, but I still feel sorry for her.

Congratulations .
There is no point in worrying about things that may not happen.
You will have to accept that the maternal grandmother will probably be the first one called upon .
My son actually told me that his mother in law was told by her daugher when she was expecting a baby before he told me.
I accepted that
I also accepted that she would see the baby before I did.
Don't worry about it .

As I read your opening sentence I realised your son and partner have been through an awful lot and are still overwhelmed with what has happened. Please don't upset yourself about how you feel you use the words "I'm worried" a lot and that is perfectly normal, of course you are, I'm afraid it is a gran's lot to be worried about all the stuff we can't do anything about specially at present. Please don't worry about the other grandparents seeing more of the GC at present, take one day at a time. Cards, texts etc fine, not too many phone calls. Have you chatted to the other gran? be kind to yourself.

Congratulations! It’s obviously a very emotional time, joy and worry. Just be there for when your needed. When Covid calms down you will have those wonderful cuddles. I sometimes feel jealous of other grandparents who spend more time with my granddaughter but you just have to live with it.

I'm with Coconut on this. A personal letter of congrats to the new Mum with the inclusion of an enthusiastic offer of help with the proviso that you understand she needs new parent acclimatising and you await her invitation with gusto when correct circumstances present themselves. It's pretty bad form to be pushy at this very special time. Secondly, I would respectfully suggest that it's nature's way that a girl will naturally turn to her Mother. My Mum's was where I arrive and kicked off my shoes. Daresay I could have done so at MiLs but felt disrespectful somehow. Try to relax and reap some satisfaction from this wonderful new happening in your life. As a previously reluctant G (yep!) I cannot overstate the joy I now experience. Sit back and revel in the prospects. Much wonder awaits you in your new role. Congratulations and good luck. I'm

Congratulations. Becoming a grandparent is so exciting. Lots of good advice from everyone on here, so I won’t add to it. Just remember that you are not the main characters in this performance, and ‘go with the flow.’
My little Aussie GS is six weeks old, and all I’ve seen of him is on Messenger visits. His Mum’s parents have full access, and see him a few times a week. They are first-time GPs, and I don’t resent the situation. I have a very good relationship with them, and am just glad that they are on hand, if needed. We will always have a long-distance relationship, but I hope to visit as soon as possible.
My other Aussie GC is three. I have only physically spent about 6 months with her, but we Are good friends. We chat several times a week, and she knows who I am. Her other GP live in Peru, and don’t speak English, so they haven’t built up the same rapport with her, which is sad.
I hope that the twins are soon well enough to go home, and that you don’t have to wait too long to meet them. My friend’s daughter, who lives 200 miles from her mum, had triplets. Luckily the in-laws lived nearby, and rallied round. My friend felt very helpless, and left out. The girls are 23 now, and have a great relationship with both sets of GP, so don’t worry. They will get to know you.

Congratulations! I do hope that all is well with your little gd.
Just to say that, as a child, I spent far more time with my paternal grandparents.
My own grandchildren seem to make no distinction whatsoever between me and the other grandparent. :-)