Those of you with 'only' two older / adult sons, do you wish you had had more children?

I have 2 , a girl and a boy . They were born 12 years apart and neither were planned . I was 30 when my son was born and 42 when my daughter was. I’m 62 now so they’re both adults . I work full days , four days a week doing a job I enjoy and which I started a year ago . Over the years I’ve had lots of ‘ifs, buts and maybes’ but no real regrets . Only you and your husband can make that final decision and ultimately it’s your body so you have to make the biggest decision. Good luck ?

Go on mumsnet and ask this question. People will have a good go of it and they'll be peers

In your position, I wouldn't have a third child. The risks to health, wealth and your relationship with your husband who you say is not keen, are too high in my opinion. As children grow up it is understandable to consider another baby but none stay babies forever and a third may put a strain on everyone . But I do understand your high levels of anxiety over your embryos and think the professional counselling might help you with this.

Me...again: my sister in law had two girls. Then an accident baby who is a male.

The girls are 18 and 14. The boy is 9. The girls are close to their mother, but cause her the most issues. They are sullen, moody and withdrawn. But they are very good sisters to one another.

The 18 year old girl hates her little brother and the 14 year old barely tolerates him..

The joy of the family: THE BOY. He's sooo happy and bright all of the time. His grandmother even says that he's the most joyous person....

It's all down to personality...

Me again:

My neighbour has 2 adult sons and her grandkids are here every day. She said she never wanted a girl. Guess what? She has a granddaughter AND takes care of her husband's mentally challenged sister, as if she were her daughter.

My MIL has a boy and a girl. She wanted a third, but didn't because her MIL tortured her and lived with her.

My mom had 2 girls and wanted a third at 40 because of hormones but she was divorced.

I met a 60year old woman of a daughter who said she wished she had had one more , as one was not enough.

I have a daughter and want one more as one child (for me) is not enough. I am 35 and can't have 3 because the first 8 months were extremely hard on us and we can't afford the lifestyle I want with 3...

I really think you need to forget about the embryos. Imagine you could conceive naturally tomorrow. Does the thought scare you?

Oh and my uncle has boy, girl, boy. They are all adults now. They have a very strained relationship with the girl, as she.suffers from mental issues...they go on holidays with the boys and their partners.

My other family members have boy/girl mixes and find that their girls torture them to no end (but they are all under 25 still). The boys relate more simply and less enmeshment....

Having said all that...I did "sway" for a girl child. (Gender dreaming.com) by going on a 1700 cal diet and cutting nutrients, no prenatals (only folic acid) and having sex once in my cycle 24 hrs before conception. But I did so without issues conceiving and even then gender is not guaranteed...it's just a very slightly higher possibility...

Oh yes, and my dad was an insane person who destroyed all of his relationships. The reason we didn't see a lot of my paternal gran was:

1) she worked constantly
2) she travelled a lot
3) my parents got a divorce
4) my paternal grandparents never went out of their way to see us. They gave us 100 dollars at Christmas and loved us, but we as children were expected to bridge the gap
5) my dad was a terrible son and incredibly selfish

So it's up to your relationship with your sons to maintain bonds. Sure, there is usually an intimacy with a daughter that you mostly won't get with a son...but not always. These are all stereotypes and ideals we hold in our own minds.

You are visualising the best possible outcome: a healthy baby girl after a healthy pregnancy and a close relationship with her throughout life..these ARE NOT guaranteed outcomes .

If it were a boy, would you be just as happy, or want the next embryo too?

I wouldn't have more.

I have three adult children and eight grandchildren. I wanted more than three but husband didn’t. I really regret not having more children as they brought much happiness and joy

I'm 35 with my 11 month old girl here. I really wanted a female child first, as I don't have a brother and I do feel that stereotypically, women are "kin keepers" and arrange social events for families. I have 5 aunts and 1 uncle on my mom's side and enjoy strong bonds with my mom's family. My dad came from a dysfunctional family where there were 4 brothers and the youngest was a profoundly mentally delayed female. My grandmother on my dad's side was a very stern woman who worked most of the time. That family was extremely dysfunctional, but not because they were all male.

I didn't see a lot of my paternal grandma, but I loved her and still love her a lot and I still enjoy a good relationship with her. She's 80 and I have no other grandparents anymore.

My mom's side had my grandma always at home and she babysat us a lot while my mom lived with her due to my dad being an unsuitable partner.

Had my paternal grandma been unemployed, we would have been there more often. Had my paternal grandma got on with her son, my father, we would have been there more often. Had my parents stayed together, we would have been there more often...

I think it really depends on the sons involved. There are plenty of catty sisters and daughters who can't get on with their families....

Here are answers:
Will I regret not trying for a third? You might...but you also might regret trying and getting another male.

Will I find peace with stopping at two? And how? You have to answer that for yourself. Imagine your life all the way to the end. Write out every scenario possible in your mind and take a tally of happy vs sad outcomes.

Did you have these feelings for another baby in your early 40s? Is it hormones talking?
I think it could be hormones, because my mom talked of an other baby at 40 and we were 20 and 18...

Am I just too risk averse? I think risks are not the greatest thing to take.

Will the empty nest come too soon if we stop at two? The empty nest is only empty if you don't fill it with fun.

Will my sons grow distant as they grow older, more than any possible daughter might? Stereotypically, yes. But if you foster excellent relationships with them and their partners, this won't affect the bond you have with grandkids.

Does my husband's preference to stick at the two we have trump everything anyway? Yes. I think so.

Is my uncertainty about a third a sign that we should stick where we are? I think you are correct in being on the fence.

Am I too old now and are my age gaps too big to work well?
(I will already be 57 when my youngest turns 18. If we had a third I would be great 62 when they reached 18.) I don't think this is a huge concern. Carrying a healthy pregnancy would be my concern.

I found 3 children so much harder to cope with than two. I have 2 sons that are much loved but are growing closer to their dad than me as the years go by, probably because of mutual interests in mechanical things. They are both in their 40s now. I had a daughter who died 2 years ago and she chose to consider me her enemy for most of her late teens and adult life, although we got very much closer when she became ill. What I'm trying to say is that girls aren't necessarily closer to their mothers, and individual children will be closer to a parent that they feel they have most in common with. There's no guarantees in who will like whom, or if the child will be healthy or not. We took on our daughter's children when she became so ill, and although we did it willingly and loved having them here, we found it very tiring - we are in our 60s and 70s. You are still young, but if you are already finding having two children tiring, then maybe a third wouldn't be as emotionally enriching as you hope. Good luck in making your decision.

There is no right or wrong answer here. The issue seems to be that you have these two embryos “waiting to be born.” How might you feel if the embryos didn’t exist? Would you still be as conflicted? All women still have unfertilized eggs “waiting to be born.”
And finally, you are trying to imagine what 3 might be like, daughter/son etc. You can’t control outcomes, personalities, relationships and the like. You’re either in or out.

I only had one son and this was enough for me as I was a single mum when he was growing up. However I was the youngest of 3 children myself and I never liked the dynamics of 3 children in the family. It was a case of my sister and my brother excluding me from things or my brother and I excluding my sister from things, we never all seemed to play well together (although my sister and I always wanted to play with our brother so he never had no one to play with!) I have seen lots of families with 3 children and I never think it works well. Be happy with the two you have at the moment ...or go for 4!

We have 2 adult sons and are close to both. It would have been nice to have a boy and a girl but there was no way I would have wanted to have another baby for that reason. One is in USA with his family so we mostly communicate by Skype. the other is half an hour away and we see him and his family often and they will be our 'support' as we get older, as we are theirs now. They are our tenants in a house we own and I have done a day's free childcare for the past three years, which will continue after Covid.

I can understand your dilemma, but rather than regretting not having more children ( I have 2 adult daughters) I regret not having followed my heart and retraining even though I have enjoyed my working life.
I suggest you consider your retraining options what that would bring you, how it would work for your family both whilst studying and when working, and financially. Once you have this knowledge then consider it alongside your current dilemma, - because it maybe that it will be one or the other but quite possibly not both.

I had my first daughter at 24. They had a policy in 1970 that “babies had to be born in the daylight hours”, but obviously the babies didn’t know that! So in line with policy I was given a drug “to speed things up dear”. It turned out it made things dreadfully painful, but the baby was born in daylight. She seemed OK, but as time went on she was “floppy”. They called it benign hypotomia which basically meant they had no clue what it was - “but we can help with wheelchairs later on”. If I sat her in the pram propped with pillows and she fell forward she was stuck there. She didn’t roll, never crawled, couldn’t sit unaided. But she was clean and dry at a year and had a full vocabulary at two.The consultant paediatrician said there was no point having physiotherapy, they would only give her electric shock treatment “and you don’t want that”. I said I’d attach the electrodes myself if it made her better, so reluctantly she agreed. The head of physiotherapy was furious that I had been told that and said they would never do that to a child. My daughter made rapid progress and at four was declared “normal” thank God. So then we thought we’d like another baby. We went to UCH and saw a specialist who determined this was not generic but was a result of the drug (no one had told us that before). Apparently the drug got into the baby but most babies recovered after a few months, so no one was the wiser. The policy then changed and the second daughter was completely normal and this time I wouldn’t take even an aspirin at any time during the pregnancy and birth - not even gas and air. I thought I might like another child, but needed a hysterectomy at 35, so that was the end of that. I have two fabulous daughters and we all get on wonderfully, a really close knit family. The eldest is a now a brilliant violinist who joined the Army and served in the Scots Guards! and they are both married. I don’t regret not having another child - I’m just so grateful it all worked out.

My eldest was 40 this year, she had her third baby when her first 2 were much older, (they're all still at home, 22, 21 & almost 7 now) and my DD does admit its been harder work than she thought it would be.

I have had 4 sons and 3 daughters,(as i remarried) i can honestly say im as close to my sons as my daughters, perhaps slightly more, as my 2 youngest, boys 21&17 are still home with me. I had my youngest child just before i turned 40- and some of my other kids were still home then, as only 4& half, 10, & 14, and its been harder work than when i had the older ones, as he got older i had less energy.But i truly love them all equally (it is possible)- even if at times i havent liked them sometimes They are a credit to me and the older ones all have done well in education as ive always instilled in them a love of reading/learning, they have decent jobs (2 are keyworkers too) and 2 youngest are (normally) doing well in college and university, despite having slight disability due premature birth. (something else to consider as an 'older' mum?) I have 9 lovely grandchildren too, who I'm close to, and ive missed all my older children & grandchildren terribly (but will start to make tentative safe 'visits' to them soon i hope) Would i have done anything differently? No, but that's me.Children really behave due to how theyre brought up and ive done as well as i can and when i see some young thugs hanging out on street corners im so proud my kids are not like that.that theyre decent human beings.Not all big families are badly behaved. I really can't advise you about having more children, its a very personal thing.Only you can make that decision for yourself I'm afraid. Good luck.

My daughter had a baby via an egg donation from a friend. She was 41. Although she had two more frozen embryos they decided at once that they wouldn’t chance another late pregnancy. Her DD is now 3, and they are perfectly happy with just one child. She would have liked to donate the other embryos to a childless couple, but it’s not allowed in Australia.
Surprisingly, having two potential babies tucked away doesn’t bother her at all. I am the one who feels sad at the thought of them never becoming viable children.

We adopted a child when our son was 3, as we were having no luck at conceiving a second. Four years later we succeeded, then had another 18 months later. Our 4th pregnancy (fifth child) turned up 8 years after that, when I was almost 40. Unplanned, and not really wanted because of family circumstances, but loved and welcomed when he was born. He has just become a father for the first time.

Reading between the lines, in your second post, I suspect that you have decided that two is enough, for various reasons. Like me, you are sad about the unborn frozen embryos. How would you feel about donating them to ‘adoptive parents?’ It’s a big decision, but could take away the feeling that they have been abandoned.

Only you and your husband can make the final decision about what to do. Perhaps some counselling would help.

I've two adult sons, when they were born to my surprise, I found out that here in England and possibly in some other western countries, having boys is seen by some as a runner up prize, conversely to the accepted view in other societies and in the past when every girl born was a future second class citizen. Both attitudes piss me off, I particularly get annoyed with the "but you can dress a girl up mentality and boys are noisy and hard work" I had that said to me on quite a few occasions. Moving on from that aspect, on balance I'm happy to have had sons and I do have a granddaughter now. Two was always going to be our limit because my husband already had two from his first marriage. I think he enjoyed telling his daughter when our two were born "you're still my only girl" Possibly if I'd started younger say 20s, I'd have considered a 3rd, but I was 32 and 36 when I had mine so I'd had enough of the whole being pregnant and giving birth by then. Going back to the original post, I had a friend when our children were at the very young stage who was desperate for a girl and decided to go for a third and had another boy. Her disappointment was palpable. I did think what a shame, I think we should be grateful for our children whatever their sex, some couples spend their entire fertile life trying to conceive without success.

Having said all that, there is an inevitability that as a paternal grandparent, more often than not you are down the pecking order. Girls, although of course there are exceptions, tend to be closer to their own mothers.

Ok, I don't often post, but felt I must. I have 3 sons - 29,27, 22.
I was 36 when I had my 22yo. I honestly feel that you should just stick to the precious 2 boys. It is SO EXPENSIVE to raise children. My 22 yo needs a lot of financial support as he is trying to break into a professional sport. I'll be working for ever I reckon! Plus, it was not easy having a third child. My other two resented the baby and trying to juggle was exhausting. Love 'em all to bits, but at your age, please take it from me...stick to the two and enjoy a balance of family, work, holidays, enjoyment, fun and ENERGY. Having a third child broke up my marriage btw! Sorry if I have hurt your feelings. x

I've got 2 sons, and when I was pregnant with the 2nd one, I sometimes hoped I'd have a girl. Once he was born, however, I was just so glad that everything was alright, it didn't matter. I never wanted to have another baby after him, as he was almost 11lb at birth - a natural delivery.

It pains me to hear you wearing yourself over this and I think this is almost certainly led by your hormones! Make a decision either way and see how you feel about it after a few days. Once a decision is made I'm sure you will then feel the relief of not worrying about it anymore. Bear in mind that there are no guarantees in this world and you are already lucky enough to have had two healthy children, a lot of people don't get that. I agree with a previous comment that you could have a daughter that hates you; not all daughters are close to their mothers. My two sons are now 39 and 35 and sometimes I think it would have been nice to have had a daughter. However, I always looked at it that I was lucky to have two healthy children, who cares what gender. I've found that boys are very close to their mothers, especially when they are small. Yes, they grow up and their wives take precedence over your influence, however, if you had a good relationship with your boys when they were growing up and you keep the door open to them and their spouses and don't interfere too much, they will stay in your life as adults. I now have two beautiful and talented daughters-in-law, so I got my daughters in the end. Be kind to yourself and love the family you already have.

I just felt I had to reply to you. My daughter had 2children a girl and after 6years of trying a boy. We were elated. When my grandson was about 18months she discovered she was Pregnant. I was so sure she should not continue with pregnancy. My Daughter was shocked but continued with pregnancy. She had a beautiful little baby girl. Who has become the light of everyones life.. we cannot imagine life now without her. I often think she nearly was not born. Go with your gut instinct. Her Husband was not happy when he first heard of pregnancy but adores her now.