Those of you with 'only' two older / adult sons, do you wish you had had more children?

CrystalBall thank you for coming back and sharing your thoughts. There are no easy answers are there? Good luck with whatever pathway you decide to take

Thank you all for your thoughtful and kind responses. I'm re-reading them now and doing some thinking. I really appreciate your views and the time you took to read my story shd am glad that the vast majority understand why I am posting here, for want of a 'benefit of hindsight' perspective. I have read many threads about 3rd child indecision on mumsnet but most people either don't update, or go for the 3rd child and all ends well.

I have had a couple of counselling sessions about this back last year and the counsellor's view was that my attachment to the embryos and my struggle to decide whether to use them or not, while not unusual, in my case does seem more pronounced and perhaps is a kind of unresolved grief response related to my miscarriages and the loss of my mum a few years ago. When I posted my initial (long!!) message I was feeling extremely hormonal and pre menstrual and my thoughts were completely on the embryos once again. We also recieved our annual bill for their storage last week which needs to be paid soon, or if not we need to let the embryos 'go'.

I can see many benefits to stopping at the two children I have, not least so we can all have likely an easier time over the next few years, but I can also see the possible benefits down the line of 3 adult children.

I just don't feel sure that throwing the dice one again at my age and for a third (not a first or even a second child) is on balance the considered choice. Nothing is guaranteed in pregnancy. We may not even conceive and will have been through more emotional strain to get to that point.

In part, I guess I feel a bit disappointed that I don't feel like I could be a great mum of 3. Maybe others have a different mindset, are more confident or just don't consider it at all but for me, being honest with myself, I don't think I have the patience or the mental bandwidth to cope with the different needs of 3 children across at least a 9 year range.
I think two is my limit and taking a conscious decision to go above that by one (or more if there were twins or more) doesnt feel wise.

I need to make peace with my decision and speak to my husband to get his support, even if for him the way forward is much clearer.

The leftover embryo question is one you don't really think about when starting on IVF treatment. You just hope to get a baby out of it and having a few spare is good in case things don't work out. Most UK clinics don't go to the excess of some elsewhere and so having 3 or 4 frozen embryos (as opposed to double digits) is typical. But in a way, if I had 12 leftover it would be easier to decide as I could never use them all. All my friends who have done IVF had a neat ending in that they needed to transfer all their embryos and had none left once their treatment was finished and / or their family complete. But some also have no babies from it and I truly appreciate my two, whatever dilemmas the frozen embryos have caused.

I have three children girl 27, boy 23 and girl 21. Many people have asked why I didn't stop with just the boy and girl. I had wanted 5 but divorced when the youngest was 6 for reasons unrelated to the children. I don't regret for a second having 3, even though I raised them as a single parent with almost no involvement from my ex. It is a different experience parenting one, two, three or more children. I don't think my expectations were the same for each ahead of time, but that doesn't mean I didn't want each one as much as the first one. I just knew what was involved the second or third time (or I thought I did!) I agree with some of the other posters that you seem very contradicted about this and that maybe talking it through with an outside party who would give an objective opinion would help you make a decision that you would be happy with. Think about which one would cause more regret in your heart and good luck. Let us know what you decide.

I have only one son, health reasons stopped from having anymore. He is now married with a child of his own, he never phones to see how we are and never answers my calls, until he got married we were very close,I see my GS occasionally as my DIL will bring him round, but I wish I did have a daughter, at least she would not forget her mum and dad, and I would see GS more often as her parents do.

I have one son of 31 yrs born of ivf, he was conceived when I was 33 yrs after many yrs of ops and fertility treatment and on my second course of ivf. At the time there was only Oxford and London hospital which provided treatment and we had to pay for part of it in Oxford as not on nhs. We had 3 further attempts without success and had to stop then because we had no more money already borrowing from family for the last attempt. There was no option to freeze embryos. Did I want more children, of course but it was not to be. We are very close to our son and his wife is like a daughter to us. The chose to move near to us and we see them several times a week.
While only you and your partner can truly decide if you really want to extend your family be thankful you have two happy boys. They can remain as close to you as a daughter would have.

I had 4 children, 3 boys, 1 girl. We moved about a lot for the first few years. We have lived in our forever house now for over 50 years. I wanted to have a fifth child who would be born into this house. Husband said firmly No. I still wonder about it. It would have changed everything - I would have had several more years before going back to work and circs would by then have been quite different. Don't exactly regret, just wonder, it's a little gap.

Were I in your situation I would use the embryos and try for the third.

I have two children, a son who is now 44 and a daughter who is 41. We decided to not have another baby after my daughter was born and I was okay with that until my second eldest nephew (who is only 7 years younger than me) annouced that his wife (who is only 2 years younger than me) was pregnant with their first child. I did get moments of wishing for another child, but being one of three myself I always said I would never have three children, only an even number, so it would mean committing to having four children if we went ahead. My lovely husband didn't want anymore children, he thought I was just reacting to my niece being pregnant and wishful thinking. My niece went on to have two more children but, oddly enough, I didn't get the same maternal longing with either of those pregnancies and, having had to face my husband dying when he was only 46 and I was 42 I was grateful really that we hadn't gone ahead and had more children because they would have been just starting senior school/final years of junior school and how much harder would that have been for them to have lost their Dad then, rather than my two children who were 18 and 21 and already creating their own lives when their Dad passed away. If I were you I would stick with your two boys and enjoy all that the future brings with them but, it is you and your husband who must decide, hope all goes well whatever you finally decide to do.

It is true that with three there is usually an odd one out. You can't compensate for this or avoid it because the world seems to build things in even sets. I felt more balanced when there were 4.
I think a lot of people will have opinions on the number of siblings they grew up with no matter what size it is. I wish I had more siblings but I know my parents couldn't have afforded it. I think it would have enriched my life now though. You get the number of siblings you do be that 0-10 (or even more!). I think there's always going to be things we'd like to change about our childhood. The only thing that is sure is that we don't know how it will all work out in terms of relationships in the longer term.

Coming from the prospective of being a sibling in a family of three children (all girls) I can tell you, I hated it, and still do. When there are 3, there always seems to be an "odd man out" and that person has always been me, a stigma still following me in my 60s. I feel if things had just remained me and my sister, our family dynamic would have been a closer one for me. Im ashamed to say, but cannot deny, I resented my younger sister coming along. As a mother myself, I had 2 girls, both grown. They only have each other, so they remain close. I think if I could have afforded more children, I might have opted for 4 and not 3. But, made the decision to stop at 2. Just for what its worth, my prospective to add to the many you have received. Its a personal decision, and I wish you luck on making your decision.

Caligrandma what a lovely family!

Reading your post OP, my thoughts are that were you to have a third child it wouldn't be because your whole family would benefit, but because you feel like you ought to.

Could you donate the three remaining embryos to a childless couple? Perhaps that would ensure that the 3 remaining, would t be wasted but that you and your family could move on to the next stage of your lives, enjoying the things more difficult with babies

I had only two boys for various reasons but I would have loved three if not four, all boys or three boys one girl or two boys two girls. As GagaJo said you tend to be closer to a daughter and therefore the grandchildren. If I had more than two perhaps one or the other would have stayed here in the UK but you never know they could have all gone to live abroad!

In your position I would seriously investigate the options for re-training, you certainly are not too old. You say your current job is boring so could you find something that challenges and fulfills you? Certainly the teaching, social work or nursing you mention all fall into that category. I think if you did this then you would find the dilemma over a possible third child would go away as you directed your energies into a new career, whilst continuing to care for your lovely boys. I do think the fact that your husband doesnt want a third child as much as he wanted the others should be an important factor in your decision, as should the possibility of problems with a third preganancy.

I have 5. When I had my second baby a friend’s husband who was a very “hands-on” dad told my husband, “trust me, two is plenty”. He had five children. I asked him about this and he said something like, well, as they grow you think , yes it would be easy and lovely to have another, but once you let yourself think it, it’s hard to stop.

I think he’s right. The hardest time is as the youngest gets to about four. It lasts for a few years and fades away. The family we have is loving and precious but we really didn’t need to have five. My husband was completely relaxed about more children, and I had no fertility or birth issues so I was lucky, but for every mother there comes a time when we stop conceiving and I expect for most of us it is a loss and a blessing.

So what do I think of your situation? In all honesty I think if you had one more, you would want to try for the other as there are two embryos there. Maybe in your position I would not want to go through this again. I couldn’t leave just one behind.

Bit harsh BelindaB the OP was just asking for advice. No need to read 5 pages of a thread if it doesn't interest you.

No response from the OP now, so many different opinions to go through here.

Sounds like your husband doesn't want a third child. Conversation ends there in my view.

I personally think two children are more than enough.

If I could go back, I would have opted to remain childless.

You never stop worrying about them, and I can do without it at my age.

All I can say is it is much much harder to divide your time between three, not forgetting the financial implications. I feel very guilty that my middle child somehow lost out as the other two were so demanding. Having said that I have no regrets now even though No. 3 was not intended!

That's a tough call. I am mom to 5 sons, two sets of twins. My firstborn was a singleton. My first set of twins came from my desire that my first son not be an only child. Then I had in my head that 4 children would be perfect and ended up with another set.

I think if you really wanted more that choice would not be as agonizing.

What a lovely family photo Caligrandma

I'm exhausted with your distress over this. I have had 4, my last at 41. I did want another one but we lost our dog at the same time. I was convinced by family members to get another puppy instead of another baby. So, such is life. If you adore children, you will always lament about having more. I'm 60 now and still toy with the idea of my youth and what it would have been like to have another. I was self-employed during the child years so had time to enjoy them. When my husband retired, I was kind of glad we didn't have the extra mouth to feed. But then in life, money ebbs and flows, and so does the desire to have children. I do know that when my youngest was 12, he hung with his dad more which gave me a freedom I hadn't had in 25 years. I guess what I am trying to say is yes, you do want more children. And having another one, doesn't mean that feeling goes away. Each child is a miracle and a delight if child rearing is your greatest hobby. If your career has a lot of meaning, then the freedom that comes with older children is remarkable. As for regrets, I would say yes, I often verbalize I wish I had had the extra 1 (number 5). I would have liked to have known that person. I would have had more joy, more grandchildren, more life fun as kids are definitely fun. If you are looking to make logic, or bring calm to your angst I don't think that is going to happen, now, with having another, or not having another. Rest assured at 60 you won't have the energy you have now and it will all come full circle for you. When my youngest was 10 I was able to reason that starting over at a baby was an easier no for me. The time had come and gone to have another one. The four I have now bring me so much joy. And their babies bring me even more joy than I can imagine. Had I only had 2, my grandchildren would have been fewer. As you age, the joy you get from your grown children and their children is irreplaceable. So, I am definitely glad I had 4. You create your own future.

I think the op wanted an older woman’s perspective on family size as we have ‘been there done that’
Mumsnet’s average age is probably around 30 so many of them haven’t even started their family yet.
Plus the op is in her 40’s so hardly a teenager.

BelindaB - in general, it is perhaps a site for Grandparents but I guess the OP needed to post on here to get the answer to her particular question.

She seemed to want the opinions of people who had had two sons - did they regret not having more children?

Am I being stupid? I thought this was a site for grandmothers?

This woman obviously isn't so I'm not even going to try and read that interminable thread.

Is there no way to ensure those joining are the "right" age group?

One of the reasons I welcomed this site was because I thought it was dedicated to the Older Lady and I didn't want anything to do with youngsters! Been there, done that....

I thought hard about having a third and decided to go for it. I already had two little boys age 2 and 4. For my life story my third baby would end up saving me emotionally. My 3rd was a little girl which was wonderful to complete our family. Roll on 22 years later and I lost my eldest son to cancer. My 2nd son would of become an only child of I hadn't of had my daughter. Instead he still has a sibling. My daughter found out she was pregnant just 8 weeks after my son died. It gave me a huge reason to go on, and a year after my son died my granddaughter was born. She's 9 now and I see her every day. The hard decision to have my 3rd affected my life more than I would ever have imagined.