Those of you with 'only' two older / adult sons, do you wish you had had more children?

You know, love is elastic, it encompasses all of those you give birth to unless they are monster like [We need to talk about] "Kevin".
Be brave and decide one way or the other what you want/need and put regrets behind you. Being extra fertile, I was sterilised at 35 having had 3 healthy children and 2 miscarriages. We decided to count our blessings. that was our decision. if i was able to, I woul have another 10 like a shot, but am realistic [BTW I'm far far too old now] and never regretted it.
All the best.

I think having the third is s very unrepresented problem. I remember my mum talking about it her mother said it would kill her... I agonized because I was in s new relationship with two from old and had just got back into career... agony agony I asked new man if he would be the house husband if I had coil removed... aaaah no he said. Relief and guilt gone. Initially I wanted to be rich enough to have ten children with ten different fathers to see the range of outcomes. That didn’t happen. I think money and financial security comes into it, I didn’t have that much with my first two.. and your partners views. Marriage is s partnership. Don’t be too guided by the fact you have a couple of eggs - that must be so hard.
My son’s wife angled very hard for a third son not keen she was after a boy as she had two girls in the end she had another girl who tragically has been born with a rare debilitating disease. This might turn out to be positive, they all are coping well...so it isn’t clear cut at all.
As for the third one I didn’t have the dilemma whether to have the third caused a split with my husband and I think it is peri menopausal and the next guy who said he wanted one contracted motor neurone disease and died early...so I would have struggled with a third...but we all struggle.
It’s a big one, for the rest of your family and the planet I’d say no...

You're on the brink of many changes and it's natural to feel unsure. Maybe you are feeling that you need to resolve the IVF embryos one way or another and have become emotionally attached? You are also going to have more free time in just a couple of months when both your sons are at school - perhaps leave it until then to see how you feel about filling that time up with another baby? Your age is the beginning of a time of transition and it's human nature to look back and wonder 'What if ...?' and you will probably always wonder about this though not with the intensity you do now. You do give a few clues though. When you say Why do I feel I would be a worse mum to 3 than I am to 2 you probably answer your own question. I'm sure you think it's not a good idea to have another child just because you're unsure what to do, especially given your past experiences, but deep down you will already know what the 'right' decision is for your family and only you can make that decision.

If I were you I'd be thankful and happy for the two lovely, healthy boys you have and tell yourself the planet doesn't need any more children for now.
Besides, both of your children will be in school so why do you want to go back to having a young baby again?
It's clearly not a raging desire so put it out of your mind and get on with life.
Good Luck.
PS if you really, really, really want another child, why not adopt one of the many children desperate for a loving home.

I'm going to be forthright on this. You have two healthy children. There are enough people on this earth. At your age, the risk is that another child may not be as problem-free as your boys. Perhaps you long for a daughter, but you could not be sure that a 3rd child would be a girl.
Having said all that, I do remember a vivid dream I had when my younger child was about two. It was as if I heard a little voice from outside our tent calling "Mummy, Mummy." I knew I did want another child, but I also knew that we did not have the resources to give three children the upbringing we could give two.
I think I was right. Our son and daughter have grown up into adults we are proud of, personally and professionally. And as a couple, OH and I (combined ages 160) are, for now, healthy and secure financially, partly because I was able to put the time and energy into my own profession with only two children.

I agree with* 4all we know*.
I always wanted a second child...but my husband wasn’t keen. My only D is now over 40...and has a 3 year old...also an only child as sadly my D can’t have any more.
No one can see into the future...life must be what you make it. Sometimes we can’t always have what we really want...

Accept the fact you already have two sons, who sound to me perfectly normal happy little boys who are growing up in a happy secure home.
Don’t waste your time and energies getting exhausted thinking about this dilemma.
I went through a similar phase of wanting a baby in my 40s...so it could be a sort of “hormonal” urge...?
Use your time to do something for “you”now..go & retrain...become a teacher or do social work as you suggested. At 40 I became involved with working with underprivileged children /those with special needs for 20+ years.

I have one daughter whom I am very close to and has been the joy of my life. She and I both became extremely ill when I was in my early forties and she was a teenager. She wanted a partner and children above all things but was not able to have children as she is too ill. However she does have a loving partner and a good relationship with his two daughters at a level she can cope with physically. I have regretted that I didn’t have more children so that she could have siblings for support. But I know several people in her situation who get no support but rather abuse if anything from their siblings. I devoted myself to caring for her for many years when she was bedridden and I don’t know if I could have done so so easily if there had been another child or what the effect on him or her would have been. I might have had two very ill children. I very much enjoyed my career in my thirties which would have been very difficult to have had with another pregnancy and as it turned out I was too ill myself to have had a job during the rest of my life. There are always roads you don’t go down in life and you don’t know where they would have led for good or ill. You will always wonder about these roads and feel some regret. But happiness even in very difficult situations is also possible and acceptance helps. That she couldn’t have children will always be a huge sadness for my daughter but she has accepted it with courage and not let it destroy her pleasure in what she can have. I am not going to say to you that you are fortunate in comparison. Because life is not like that. On the contrary I feel you are unhappy at this moment and very anxious. Perhaps exploring your feelings with a counsellor would help you move forward and cope with whatever decision you make. Women often feel a strong urge for a child and regret for imaginary children at the point when having more children will cease to be possible. It is an emotional time but it passes. On the other hand some women have a late “mistake”. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Couldn`t have put it better sodapop.

Don't have children 'because you can', because 'other people' are having them or whatever. 2 is plenty.

Crystal my DS and DiL once surprised me by asking if I thought they should have a third child.
My reply?
‘I couldn’t possibly comment!’

Only they could make that decision.

#3 is now 4 years old and is a complete delight.

But you and your DH have to decide for yourselves. Someone upthread mentioned counselling - maybe a good idea to help you tease out your reasons for wanting a third child, and the consequences to you both, and your children, of having one, or not having one.

Very difficult decision for you. At 41 with 2 children I was pregnant. My OH did not want another child and I considered a termination, but had a miscarriage and many many years later still feel guilt about this. Only have another child if you are completely sure. A new baby is a big commitment mentally and financially. Whatever you decide you might want to get some support. Take care.

I just had one daughter. My husband wasn't over keen on having any(he adores her now ofcourse and is very glad we had her!)
She is now grown up and has 3 little ones of her own. None of them were easy pregnancies and births esp the last one - but I think she had a big family to make up for being an only one! If she didnt have such bad times in pregnancy and birth - she would have a fourth for sure - but health wise it wouldn't be safe.
I, on the other hand, always say - one of my biggest regrets is not having another baby!

I don't envy you having to make this decision. In a way I think you should maybe settle for the two children you have, but then you are always going to wonder, aren't you.
It's a very personal decision between you and your husband,
but I would think you both need to very keen on having more children. If one is not so keen it could cause resentment, possibly.
Personally, I have two sons and very much wanted a daughter. I had always wanted 3 or 4 children anyway, but it turned out that I wasn't very fertile apparently. There was no IVF back in those days. Or not easily available anyway.
And my husband was not keen on more children.
As it turned out, both of my sons are wonderful and I am close to them, and I have lovely daughters-in-law, and also three gorgeous granddaughters, and one marvellous grandson. I am so blessed.
So please don't think you are somehow deprived because you only have sons... they can be as great a blessing as daughters.
I wish you luck in making this huge decision. Maybe thinking about the planet should play apart in it too?

We initially wanted 5 children
After 2 miscarriages and 3 high risk successful pregnancies we were advised not to have more children.
So, we became Foster Carers, and 33 years on we have our 110th and final Foster Child with us, until her adoption is completed.
It doesnt solve your problem of the frozen embryos, but thete are other ways of having childten in your lives

I feel the need to comment here as a person who would have loved to have had another child but cancer put paid to that.
I think people need to weigh up the implications of 3 children from an economic plus practical perspective. My partner has 3 sons , loves them dearly but over the years they have cost him( us) a fortune and continue to do so. The middle one has 2 beautiful girls and has decided that enough. As he says, he would require another house, a bigger car, cost more for holidays etc, the list is endless. Plus is the world in which we live good enough for more people. I love children and adore watching their development. However, you need to weigh up the pros and cons, take your husband’s emotions into consideration and think about will you have energy at 53 for a 10 year old?? All a lot to consider given our current situation and I can empathise with your dilemma but it is not a light decision to make.
Also, you are not too old to retrain. All the best.

There is no guarantee that your third child would be of the desired sex anyway - would it worry you if the baby was not the sex you wanted?

If so, it's a big gamble.

In your position, I would not have another child.

You will be into your sixties when the hypothetical child starts University etc.

Health problems get worse as you age and things happen. You are more at risk of dying while the third child is young if you have one now.

You cannot predict your financial position. Two children will be easier if you hit problems.

There is more chance of the child having problems one way or another if you have a child in your forties although I know plenty of people do not find this.

Your youngest child is almost school-age. You will find it harder to work with three children and childcare will be more costly.

It is up to you. Good luck with what you choose but I'd stick with two if I were in your position.

It is natural for many woman to think about having a baby when they realise that within a few months, due to menopause, they will soon have no choice in the matter, but having two potential children on standby must make the decision more difficult.
I am the middle child of three girls, my older sister is 2.5 years older than me, the other 1.5 years younger. I have always been close to the younger but the older has always felt left out. Frankly, a gap of 4 years in children means there will be limits as to what activities they can do together and they will have school friends who will be closer, but they might, but not necessarily, be friends as adults, so waiting a few more years would therefore not make much difference.
I understand your longing for a girl, but if you decide to go ahead, you, more than other would-be parents, know that a yes means being prepared to face possible loss, and for both you and your husband to be able to love to bits and without any recriminations or regret, whatever you are given - boy or girl, with or without physical or mental disabilities.

Or you can choose the possibility of soon being able to retrain for a more fulfilling job, and more adventurous activities and holidays ( camping, adventure etc) with the three men you already have in your life - in which case you can release the waiting embryos from their frozen limbo.

I know this is a big decision, I longed for a girl too, and am now waiting for a possible grand daughter instead!

Personally I would stick with what you have your very lucky to have two healthy sons. Being pregnant in your 40s might not be easy and your husband and sons could find it hard going.
I have two lovely sons and became a grandma at 45 ,now have 1 grandson and two granddaughters. Family life can become difficult, people get ill, unemployed, unhappy lots of different scenarios pointed out by Sheila up thread. Be thankful for what you have. Life can be difficult, just look at the pandemic at the moment.
Nobody knows what life has in store. Be happy.

I was a very happy only child.
I had 2 boys 3 years apart & I never felt any desire for another. Certainly NOT a girl as my friends with girls seemed to have a lot more problems with them. I had a sterilisation operation when the youngest was 5.
I was divorced & then re-married a man a lot younger than myself & I did offer to have a reversal if he wanted children but he wasn't that bothered.
My boys are very close & have wonderful families of their own & are also close to their real Dad ( I get on well with him too).
Both my sons have 2 boys & a girl & I still think girls are hard work!

Definitely not- happy with what I have and that they are, overall, healthy and happy

Sorry, that made it sound as though I deliberately went against my husband's wishes to have a third but I fell pregnant by accident (I won't go into details) and, once the pregnancy wss confirmed my husband was quick to say that he knew how I, personally, felt about abortion and he wouldn't ask me to consider it.

The thing is, as soon as you make a well considered decision, it IS the right one.
It's right because you thought about it, knowing what you know, and feeling as you feel.
Then you get on with it.

these are my thoughts about your situation - given what you have been through, I would be happy with my two boys. Although you have the possibility of having another in theory, there are no guarantees that this would work out for you. Everyone has the potential to have multiple children but of course they don't. I was constrained to three as I had mine by c section and at the time was advised not to have more. Sadly my youngest daughter died at the age of 27 from leukaemia, and the tragedy of it was that she had met the man of her dreams and wanted a big family. Of course it wasn't to be. I have a son and a daughter and am very close to both - they have one precious child each. Be happy with your family - you have achieved so much against the odds. But of course, you must make your own mind up. Good luck and I hope you find peace.

Get some counselling.It really helps. Do what seems to be right for you.
Whatever you decide, try to be happy with what you have.
You never know what the future holds.

I was happy having two. Still am - have good relationships with both. But I am sad that one could not have the family they wanted - I have one GC via IVF; and this parent has a spouse who has developed a life threatening illness, which makes any more children impossible anyway. They live at a distance.
And my other AC is still single in middle age.

I can't help sometimes envying friends who have several grandchildren. When you are no longer in the workplace, they give you reasons to live and a stake in the future like nothing else.

But I am so grateful for the family I've got.