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Trying to decide to downsize nearer to family,

(18 Posts)
Bmiller8 Thu 02-Jul-20 18:50:06

I live alone in the family home which is too big for me and expensive to maintain. My 2 married sons live approx 2 hours drive away. I am 76 and healthy but thinking of my future. Do I move nearer to them soon or hang on here till it becomes impossible? I do not have helpful neighbours and I cherish my few good friends but realistically they are also getting older and we will be unable to help each other if we get ill or disabled. The dilemma is to move away and try to make new friends or stay here and still enjoy my old friends. Help please with your advices.

Lucca Thu 02-Jul-20 19:01:36

Can you afford to rent somewhere near your sons and test the water ?

Lucca Thu 02-Jul-20 19:02:10

Also, are your sons likely to stay where they are permanently?

Witzend Thu 02-Jul-20 19:13:24

Is downsizing where you live an option? And paying for help if/when needed?
Whatever, if you think you definitely are going to downsize, I’d certainly do it sooner rather than later, since it’s an awful lot of hassle even when you’re young and fit.

welbeck Thu 02-Jul-20 19:17:34

be careful, if you move.
i've known people do this, and they are then very isolated in a new place.
sometimes adult sons do not have much more time to spend with their parent, who is then adrift without friends in the area.
how about looking into something more manageable near where you live, maybe sheltered housing.

avitorl Thu 02-Jul-20 19:22:19

I have a few friends who have decided to move to be near family and it has definitely been the best thing for them to do.
But,as Lucca has pointed out,how certain are you that your sons won't leave the areas they are now living in?

midgey Thu 02-Jul-20 19:23:55

My daughter is helping an older lady who moved to be near her son, the son moved due to his work commitments and she is now marooned in a town hundreds of miles away from where she would like to be. I think you should be wary of moving somewhere near family unless you are very sure they will stay put!

DanniRae Thu 02-Jul-20 19:42:13

I'd have a word with my sons and see what they think about it. If they are a bit lukewarm I'd stay put and downsize there.

BlueSky Thu 02-Jul-20 20:22:00

Agree I would just downsize and stay put. Your sons could very well move away and in any case they may not have time/wish to spend more time with you. You can always get an helper should you need it down the line.

Cabbie21 Thu 02-Jul-20 20:27:55

I agree with DanniRae. Discuss it with them as an idea. Play it cool. They may feel you are foisting yourself on them and not be too keen or they may be delighted, or see you as free childcare...? Do you get on well with your daughters-in-law?

I moved a few years ago to downsize and to be nearer my family. I get on well with my daughter and her children, and we see each other quite often, but I hardly see my son His family and don’t have much more of a relationship with them than when we lived further away.
Hope this helps.

lemongrove Thu 02-Jul-20 21:12:08

If it’s likely that at least one of your sons is going to stay in that area, and you like the area where they live, then you have nothing to lose by downsizing to a nice house or flat that suits you, and will continue to suit you for the future.Good luck.

kircubbin2000 Thu 02-Jul-20 21:23:04

I've downsized and now am within 10 miles of 2 sons. I dont see much of them but they are there for emergencies and have been shopping for me.The smaller house is much easier to run. Unfortunately it's hard to meet people here, neighbours keep to themselves and the 2 groups I joined have stopped because of the virus. Much better though than the big house I couldn't afford to heat.

NfkDumpling Thu 02-Jul-20 21:24:52

Tell your sons you want to downsize and ask their advice. It’s best they suggest that you come nearer - or they may have better or different ideas as to what to do with the family home, if it was their home too.

sodapop Thu 02-Jul-20 22:03:03

Yes I agree, talk to your sons Bmiller8 and see how they feel about you moving. A smaller house sounds like a good idea but make sure you have all the services you are likely to need in fairly close proximity. Dr, shops, chemist, library etc. Good luck.

Grandmabatty Thu 02-Jul-20 22:33:35

I downsized 18 months ago and I live much closer to my daughter and son in law and grandson. I am in my early 60s but I wanted to make my future older years as simple as possible. I bought a lovely wee bungalow and have spent time doing it and the garden up. This has also helped me to get to know the neighbours. I've joined a couple of clubs and I am close to shops etc. At times I miss where I lived before as it was my local area. However I can honestly say this was the right move for me. I gradually got rid of years of stuff first, going to charity shops, the dump, giving furniture away etc. I shredded masses of stuff. This meant the house was in a better condition and sold very quickly. But it made me feel lighter, having got rid of stuff. Only you can decide if you want to move but there are benefits.

Bmiller8 Fri 03-Jul-20 16:48:49

Thanks for your advice which has given me other angles to think of.

agnurse Fri 03-Jul-20 16:58:51

The way I would phrase it to them is, "I'm finding the house too large for me and I'm thinking about downsizing. I haven't decided yet where to move. How would you feel if I were to move closer to you?"

This way they won't feel that they're being forced to say it's okay with them as you've already decided, or because the only reason you're moving is to be closer to them. You may get a more honest answer phrasing it that way.

Franbern Sat 04-Jul-20 09:59:55

Downsizing is great - I finally left my house in edge of London to come to a wonderful flat in Weston super Mare. (close to No. 2 daughter who had been asking me for years to do that). In my late 70's I found the whole process of selling and buying and moving very, very stressful - should have done this a few years earlier.

Do think agnurse advice is excellent, with regards to talking to your sons - and your daughters in law also.

Most places do have (in normal times - organisations like U3A where you can meet new people and take up interest groups.