This is difficult

Thistlelass, It must be such a relief to have decided at last as you must have had a lot of worry. Glad for you.

I'm glad you've managed to find a solution Thistlelass and I hope that whatever decisions you may have to make in the future, you put your welfare top of the list, and don't worry about your children's inheritance.

Dear Thistlelass so glad to hear that you have resolved the situation. Best wishes for the future.

In your circumstances, I would think about moving to a manageable property - both financially and physically.

Maintaining a property will be ongoing and if it is a struggle now, it will only get worse over the next several years.

It is lovely if adult children are willing to help, but they have their own busy lives to live. Do not live with the idea of maintaining some kind of inheritance for them - you hopefully have up to 30 years of your own life to live. Make sure you do it somewhere that does not cause you hassles and stress.

I get the feeling that you think people have been criticising you and your family but I really don’t think that’s the case rather that we are concerned that your main worry was to do with maintaining the home so that it could be left as an inheritance whereas you yourself have financial constraints now and are already struggling
I am glad that you have found a solution to the issue

Thinking long term, that house is not a good match for you.
You are already having issues, as stated in your first post and you only moved 5 years ago.
The older the house get, the more repairs and upgrades it will need.
You will get older too and you won't have that much time or energy to keep up with what is needed in the house as you will have to concentrate on your health.

I know you want to leave it as an inheritance to your children, but at what cost? Is it worth the worry or time it takes to keep it maintained?

I would live in a place I could afford without the help of others - money, time involved in repairs, work needed, etc.

It's nice if children offer to help now and again, but I wouldn't expect it - although I suppose if I were on my own and didn't have enough money to sort maintenance issues out I would appreciate some assistance. Either that or downsize.

Painting the exterior of a house is quite a big project, though, and risky if the person doing it is unused to going up and down ladders.

I see now that the issue has been resolved and your son has found someone who can do your house at a reasonable price. I think that's the best outcome.

Well thank you everybody for your advice and opinions on my situations. I have a few comments of my own to make before this is left. Jenpax, with respect, you do not know me or my five children. And this of course applies to others who have made comment too. Everyone's lifestyle and experience is different. I have no large Victorian house to downsize from. I have a 2 bed ex local authority semi, which already has had the equity released in it to add an extension/replace kitchen etc when I moved in 5 years ago. My son was the tradesman of course and he kept the price down because he is a very decent young man. They all are. Their father has assets worth a considerable amount of money and I wont go into the terms of my divorce 25 years ago. I was a local authority social worker for 23 years. My total income at present amounts to £16000 pa. So things will be especially tight until my state pension comes in. I am not going to repeat myself from yesterday. My family love me very much but, yes, there is a tendency for the tradesman to be expected to do the work. He already does go above and beyond for me and I will not see him put upon. My mental health means that I have bouts of anxiety and things getting on top of me. I don't really want to leave this house. It has a good atmosphere and I feel safe in it. I have read everyone's opinions last night and realised I want to stay. I spoke with my son today and he has identified someone to paint the house for a price I can manage. He is fitting a nice new front door for me. My daughter knows about this. Thank you all.

i get the impression that OP has bought/ moved to the present house within the last 5 yrs, and had a lot of work done on it, poss by her son.
this son, who is a tradesman and v handy, could poss help with the house painting, even by other contacts and supervising.
i don't get the impression that money, or the cost of this work is the nub of the issue.
it seems to be some dispute between this son, and his sister, who lives at some distance and in some style.
she seems to expect that son will just step in and be responsible for all the helping that mother, OP, needs.
the son presumably feels that his sister ought not to push all this onto him, and she ought to offer some contribution to the effort.
since she cannot get up a ladder, or send others to do so, she should make some financial contribution in lieu of personal exertion.
is that right OP. or something along those lines.
so you are worried about what to accept, from whom, and how much; and trying to keep the ring between son and daughter.
don't know what to advise. except look after yourself.
could you write to them both. pointing out your concerns.
that you are not well, have a serious diagnosis, which may have implications going forward, and just need some security and stability.
i have found that adult children often overlook their parents'
illnesses/ disabilities, or minimise them.
perhaps it's a defence mechanism, or an excuse to expect too much and do too little to help.
try to tell them the realities of your condition. you may have to be quite blunt. or they will say you kept it secret/they didn't realise. victim blaming is common.

Thistlelass, if you downsize your place you would not have so much need to ask for help with house maintenance. Also if you lived in a more convenient place that did not need a lot of maintenance your offspring would feel happier about your ability to be independent.

It seems to me to be a good thing they have been discussing how to apportion the care you expect from them. It's your responsibility not to overburden them with your care, if you possibly can.
Downsize, and get advice from a reliable financial adviser if you need advice, if you have any money left over from the sale of your house.

I think Thistlelass you are being too selfless! I know exactly what I would do in your situation and it is what I told my parents, do whatever you need to do to enjoy your life. Forget about leaving anything. My mum, in particular feels guilty if she spends any money on herself! I encouraged them to get as much help as they could - paid for I mean, not on state. It went against the grain but eventually they listened to me. If your children are not advising same then they are being totally selfish. You need to do whatever you can to make your life comfortable.

No child has the absolute right to an inheritance. I don't know how big of a house you have but the first thing is to consider down sizing- move to a smaller property? Second put your name down for sheltered housing (yes you probably won't get this while you have a home but it will be there). Thirdly, although have always thought it probably a bit of a con have you enquired how much you would get through equity release? Maybe worth looking at. If your children object, tell them you need money to pay people to do up your house!

I don't understand where people are coming from saying they owe you nothing in help but still expect you to have the house intact so they can inherit? Now is the time to look after number 1.

I don’t really think that however much you have helped your children you can expect them to reciprocate. The expectations usually work downwards not up, and in my experience very few children expect to be helping their parents out, especially given your relatively young age.
I can see why you might ask, and it’s not an unreasonable ask as such but it surely isn’t worth upsetting family relations for this? I would seriously look at downsizing and as others have rightly pointed out the house is yours and they have no right to an inheritance! Certainly not while you are struggling.
I am similarly placed to you (mid 50’s post cancer) and have around a thousand years before the Government will allow me to draw my pension! But I am downsizing and my 3 children support this as I was struggling to keep up with the constant repairs and renewals required by a large Victorian house.

I too have health issues that prevent me maintaining my property myself but I do want to stay put. I retired at 50 due to my health issues and survived on savings and my private pensions. I'll get my state pension next month. I've actually spent a lot updating my property and keeping everything in good nick. I took out a bank loan to pay for my conservatory roof because I didn't want to use up all my savings and that's nearly paid off. You could of course consider taking equity release to spend on your house and future proof it. That would give you sufficient funds to employ someone to do the work and would partially reduce the amount you can leave your kids but that seems fair as they're not busting their balls to help you out. I understand why, if they pay others to do work on their own properties and have kids they won't have masses of spare time to do work on your property. I recently needed help with my garden and have had to wait quite a while until they were free to help me but there's no point resenting them because they have their own lives. I wouldn't even consider moving at the moment as I simply couldn't cope with the packing etc involved. My condition is similar to MS and isn't going to improve but I'm not going to make life any more difficult than it needs to be.

I agree totally with geekesse and chewbacca you have done what you can for your children now it's time to care for yourself. Good luck Thistlelass

Thistlelass you've obviously worked very hard for what you have now and that includes you having raised 5 children into independent adulthood. As we get older, of course we would like to leave our children "something" in our will but you need that "something" now.
There's a saying about if help isn't given freely and willingly, it's no help at all. So if your children aren't showing much enthusiasm to help you, please consider getting yourself into a position where you don't need to ask. If that means downsizing and releasing equity for comfort in your later years, don't feel guilty for doing it.

thistle whilst I think it’s entirely reasonable for a parent getting older to ask adult children to help out with house maintenance, if they won’t help you, then forget the whole ‘their inheritance thing’ and downsize to free up some cash so that you can pay a decorator.Either to a small house or an apartment.

I think what belongs to us is only an inheritance if we’ve ‘ finished’ with it if you understand me. If you need to do anything at all to make your life better....then you should. We’re under no obligation to leave our children anything. They have to make their own way. I understand you wanting to though, but it sounds like your health would benefit if you could make some changes. Put yourself first.

My in-laws got divorced and mother-in-law kept the big bungalow.
That winter we discovered she was heating it by trundling a Super Ser gas heater from room to room as she said she couldn't afford to put the central heating on.
She said she wouldn't downsize as the property was her three children's inheritance.
We said we all had homes of our own, and did she really think her children were so selfish they'd want her to struggle in her home so they could cash in when she died?
She's still alive now, forty years later!

You should definitely downsize to a suitable property that will meet your needs in the future.
My Dad moved to an extra-care (55+) apartment after Mum died and says he feels really safe there.
He has carers on call if he needs them.
He had wasps coming in through a gap from a nest outside this week: one phone call and the maintenance guy came and sorted it.

Peace of mind.

geekesse I agree!

Stuff inheritance! Sell, and either downsize or rent (I rent, and it’s brilliant - no maintenance). If they ‘help you out’ you’ll feel obliged to be at their beck and call, and you’ll lose your independence. You brought your children up, your job is done and you don’t owe them anything. Go for it!

Thank you all for your thoughts. I am sitting here debating the options really. I do have money set aside for jobs that need doing/improvements that need to be made but if course I am like everyone else and need to prioritise. I am not asking anyone in the family to make any financial contribution. One son has his own joinery business and he lives close to me. Daughter lives 100 miles away. Both she and hubby pay professionals to do everything for them - which is fine. But the potential for I'll feeling comes in here. Son can turn his hand to anything and is expected to by his sister! But I do have good relationships with my children and do not want that to change. Essentially since I bought this house 5 years ago the whole thing has been upgraded. Just some outside jobs now - which is where I am finding it heaviest going (practically and financially). I may simply have to get the house pressure washed off and leave till next year. We shall see. Thank you everybody.

Thistlelass Sad that you are feeling like this, especially with health concerns. I do feel that advice given by Namsnanny and Ellan could help to set you on a better route towards dealing with your problems.

Pretend that your 5 children are unwilling or unable to help you. (Maybe that's quite close to the truth!). If you had no children, if they were thousands of miles away etc., you would need to work out where to go from here.

You have some financial worries. You certainly have house maintenance worries, it's costly getting workmen in to do stuff and you are clearly not in a fit state to do the work yourself so, it's possibly time to think about downsizing and buying or renting something manageable and something that is in a very good state with minimum work to do. This, as has been said, will release some funds for you and take away the daily worry of "what to do if". You don't need that if you're unwell.

As far as your children's inheritance is concerned, you are still young, needing home and comfort and security yourself and only you are going to be able to provide that. Think of your own future and don't put pressure on your children or risk problems in your relationship with them. You'll feel better for sorting it out rather than sitting worrying about a resolution of your current difficulties. Whatever you may bequeath or are able to bequeath to them in your Will, well that's for the future. They have no entitlement or automatic right to expect that funds will drop into their laps, nor should you be worrying about any of this now. Take charge, sort out your future for you. Best of luck to you.

I don't feel any obligation to leave anything to my only surviving son. (My youngest son hanged himself aged 19)

My mother left her considerable estate to DS1, a few amounts to charity, and to her nieces (My cousins). Left me a nasty letter, despite all I had done for her until she decided I was persona non grata.

So, why should you feel that your home is their inheritance, Thistlelass? Do they deserve it?

Once you have asked yourself that question, and answered it, then decide what is best for you.

Sending you every good wish.

Thistlelass a lot depends on the relationship you have together. You don't say how far away your children live from you or how often you get together. Do you for example eat out together, cook meals at home for each other. Do the married couples have young children or other older relatives to care for. It is so hard to say what type of help anyone's children should offer because everyone's circumstances are different. I can understand that children might help with small maintenance jobs in the house depending on their DIY skills but painting the exterior of a house is a big job and best left to the experts. Perhaps just talk to the children about your concerns and see what you can work out that is best for all of you.

Since lockdown people are finding things very difficult, my adult children would not be able to help me financially or be able to do jobs for me as due to lockdown they have alot on their plate.
I know it's hard to lose your home but as other posters have said, could you downsize and maybe put some money away for yourself.
Also does the house need painting now? could it wait a bit and then maybe they can help you.
If your ask is causing a problem with the 2 married couples, maybe leave it for now as their is no point in causing bad feeling.