Grandchikdren

Gill61 Tell her that you get upset easily, too, when ignored.

My birthday is coming soon. I know that the son who lives with me will probably give me a card, and a bunch of flowers. My DD, who lives nearby, will do the same, and may organise a meal out, or afternoon tea. My GD, 21, will get me a card, and maybe a small gift. GS who is 18 usually has to be messaged to see if his money arrived safely, but that’s lads for you!
The Aussie branch of the family have been told not to send gifts. The postal charges are ridiculous. I will get cards from one, possibly two of them, but not my eldest DS and DIL who are terrible at keeping in touch. They are the ones with no children, and most free time, too.
I send cards to all of them, for any special occasions, but gifts, not very expensive ones or some money, only to the GC.
I would be very hurt if my birthday was completely unaccknowledged . I certainly wouldn’t be sending money to.nephews and nieces who asked for it, but otherwise ignored me. My thoughts are with any of you whose birthdays go unremarked by the family. It’s a sad situation. Flowers for you all xx.

But you are hurt. I have three grandchildren and two great grandchildren. Over the years (even though I'm a pensioner on a very limited budget), I've bought gifts and then I was told they'd prefer money. I rarely - if ever - get an acknowledgement and occasionally, when I've asked if they did receive the card and money, the reply was 'oh, yes. Didn't I text you?' knowing full well, they hadn't. I made a decision this year and you may or may not like it; but I decided that after all the birthdays are over this year, I am not giving any more money to any of them. I will send a nice card with the appropriate words - but they won't get anything from me. And - even more scandalous - I am not giving them presents for Christmas. In September of 2018, I was on the Martin Lewis Money Show (with my grandson - who is different to the other two) and Martin talked about people on low incomes being forced by 'nicety' to buy presents for people who felt obligated to give back. Not any more.

Funnily enough, it was my birthday this week. I received a ‘happy Birthday’ text from one out of three of my adult grandchildren. I feel hurt too!

Same happened to me, when suggested a text Would be nice , I was told not to guilt trip her as she gets upset easily. Sad

I used to remind my children that it was my parents birthday. Can your children not do this?

As many have already mentioned, many young people do not send traditional cards in the post. Sometimes they get reminders about forthcoming birthdays automatically on social media, if set up, which triggers them to 'post' a message or to text to a mobile phone. They probably won't post a card.

A text or message not the same as getting a card in the post, but it's best to engage with social media if you can. You are obviously on Gransnet but are you active with messaging your family? Let them know you are actively interested and appreciate messages from them, make sure they have your mobile number, and with any luck they will message you on your birthday.

I get cards and am pretty certain that their mother, my daughter, reminds them

Apricity. Spot on ?. Thank you for expressing a kind of love so articulately. For myself I will continue to give give and give of myself and my wallet to my GC as long as I feel about them the way I do now. Admittedly it is a two way street but I will try to initiate meetings with them on a regular, but not intrusive, timetable. Cards and presents are 'stuff'. I'm hoping for a little bit of their time and that is such a precious commodity. Trouble is, at this stage, I have so much more going spare than they do.,

It is hurtful but that seems to be how they are these days. I would still buy for them but don’t spend as much in the future as it is supposed to be the thought that counts - according to my mam.

My wise husband said, “they come back to you, put them on a piece of elastic” . If you think , we are the only animal who doesn’t let their young go ! Fly the nest etc.
Don’t overthink it but definitely do stop the cards and presents!

My son has never sent me a card for a birthday or Christmas since he was about 12. Not even after he married eight years ago (I inherited a list of birthday and anniversary dates on my husband's side when I got married and made sure to send cards so sort of expected my dil would do the same) I have always sent money (they preferred that to gifts) on their birthdays and at Christmas and for both my grandchildren too (they are in the USA) but have never had a thank you from the GC - given that my son has now suddenly arrived back in the UK and my daughter in law in the USA has already served divorce papers I do wonder if my grandchildren ever saw the money and perhaps thought I wasn't sending them a gift. My son is asking for my granddaughter to visit the UK in the summer each year for two weeks so I am hoping that we can see her and build a relationship. Sadly my grandson doesn't seem to want to keep in touch with my son (he was from a previous relationship but my son has always regarded him as being his boy and I have always called him my grandson). Just have to wait and see I expect. I live with my other three grandchildren so the situation is different with them.

I don’t expect presents from my grandson, but would be very hurt if I didn’t receive a birthday or Christmas card.

I feel your hurt Sparkling. I think we all get hurt at many things involving grandchildren and their parents. Mine are too young yet and get reminded by parents. However I’m more hurt that my daughter-in-law hasn’t bothered with me in Lockdown despite helping her so much with the children since they were born 10 years ago and that I’m on my own. There are some wise words on here and I hope you get comfort from them as I will try to do. x

Do they not send a message via facebook? That costs nothing and is just a reminder they have thought of you? Maybe you could mention to your offspring you would love such a message?

I call my children every year to remind them about their grandparents and my partners birthdays. I do it as I know how hurtful it is to be forgotten. Unfortunately I don’t have anyone reminding them about mine, so 9 times out of 10, I didn’t even get a card from my son. Now he is married, his wife has taken charge and I do get one. I tried to be philosophical about it and we did have an ok relationship but it did hurt.

sharon103, my sentiments entirely. I remind my children that my Mum may be difficult at times but she loves them and misses them. I don't think it hurts to ask them to take a moment out of their day to ring their Nan occasionally or pop in to see her. I rarely have to say anything to my older adult children but the 19 year old is still at the thoughtless phase. It will pass.

I think that we all were brought up to send thank you letters for any gifts we were given.
I can remember that every year , the day after Boxing Day, we were expected to sit and write thank you letters to our aunts and uncles - and find a nice way to say it when it was something that you hated ( just thinking of a pair of lime green tights from one aunt in my teens!)
I brought my own son to do the same - in fact, often bought him pr printed cards for him to fill in the correct info)
In this day and age, that courtesy has been forgotten.
I have been known to ring my nieces up asking if they got the gifts ok as I either had posted them, or sent them via a third party.
You either have the choice of accepting that you are never going to get a thank you and continue sending gifts or just stop and save your money. Sad, but true.

Since lockdown I’ve learnt to use ‘Moonpig’.... they get a card ... you do t have to move from your sofa! I will continue this way with younger generation... I do NOT expect anything in return. They’re kids... and selfish comes naturally to them. When you’re a great-grandma ... they will get back on track. I look back in time to how I thought my gran just as part of the furniture’ ( she lived with us’. But oh how I missed the little things she did when she wasn’t there anymore. We all do it, so try not to be too despondent. It’s enough to know you love them , and would do anything g for them isn’t it. .?

Younger people don’t use cards as their currency, everything is online these days - if you are on Facebook, Whatapp etc. you get loads of virtual Birthday love - I don’t think it’s that they’ve forgotten you or don’t care, or are thoughtless, you just have to keep up with the technology they use to stay in touch.

Relationships are not about cards and presents. They are about love, connection, listening, conversation, being there when or if needed. These connections may be there on a regular basis or quite infrequently as distance, busy lives, new people in their lives all happen as we hope that they do for our loved ones.

Life moves on and we can just hope that all that love we gave them has helped them to become the independent people they are living their own lives. I think it is a lot about reviewing our own expectations and have fulfilling lives ourselves. ?

I would be slightly hurt too. I dont think it takes much to send a card. Not so much a gift but a bunch of flowers is nice. I think I would suggest a family meal out or an invite for a bbq or similar. I do not have grandchildren yet but going slightly off the thread, my Sons only used to buy me a birthday card, or make one, the same with Mothers day. Now they are married I get cards for every occasion. I was going through my Mums old box of cards and she kept every one right back to her 21st birthday. She kept cards from me as a child, my brother and my two. Every card she received from my Dad were there too. They are both deceased now. Lovely to receive for her, but I felt so guilty about having to throw them out. so they are now in a drawer waiting for my next attempt. Yes it is lovely to receive a card.

My 2nd ds never sends cards or gives presents , my 1st ds isn’t in my life anymore. But my dd is very thoughtful, she always makes an effort with everyone and is very generous. Maybe it’s a boy thing. Too busy to be bothered with birthdays. But I agree it’s very hurtful.

I think back at home I loved my Mother but basically neglected her. I feel uncomfortable now, but I think being neglected is par for the course.
My eldest and his wife hadn’t seen us for months and it was my birthday last Saturday. They said they would like to visit but didn’t come on Saturday, my birthday. . They came on Sunday and announced another Baby was in the way. They had told oodles of his wife’s relative but kept it secret for 12 weeks. I am not going to waste what is rest of my life sulking. I am living my own life to the full. We love our children a lot more than we love them period.

Very few people send cards these days, mine keep telling me to stop as they rarely arrive on time due to irregular post and cost so much too. I like cards so still send them but only get few in return on my birthday. We have to accept times are changing. Wonderful when you do hear from you adult grandchildren though I agree.

I think it’s a reflection of our culture sadly. As we age, we are pushed to the sidelines. We don’t live in extended family units on the whole. GC grow up, move away and, or, do their own thing and part of that seems to be not acknowledging special days for grandparents. Judging from my own family, they still love you but somehow...they just expect you to be there and yet not be involved in their lives or them in yours. I have this to come but I recall the hurt of my own mother as her eldest GC lost contact with her, never remembered her birthday or Christmas and never rang her. When she died, the GC apologised to me saying she was sorry that she had never gone to visit her grandmother. Shame it had to be realised after her death.