Grandchikdren

It is sad. My children gave to my mother on into her elderly years when they were young adults. She was however quite dismissive of their efforts - oh I've got drawers full of knitwear, what am I supposed to do with that?! Lol. They loved her very dearly and tried so hard to please. But to your situation - could you have a conversation ( or send a little note card with the question) about what they think is best for Christmas and birthdays? You might be surprised at their response and level of commitment to any agreed outcome. I am sure they love you so much but this world we are living in turns at 100 mph for the young ones and we can be the casualty. They are so busy making their mark on the world. Perhaps they might enjoy all going out for a festive time meal with you - a chance to share their lives and news. Each party could bare the cost of their own meal and leave it at that. Have a nice Christmas xxx

My grandson works but I must admit I've never expected him to buy anything of his own, we get gifts from the family (and I'm sure he has no idea what they buy me unless he's there when I open it!). It doesn't bother me but I can see that it might be hurtful for some people. I don't think there's much you can do about it, just accept that's the way a lot of youngsters are.

One of the best things I love about this site, is realizing you are not the only one whose family don’t do X, Y & Z for them. I know there will be exceptions, who have wonderful families who never neglect them, but think the majority of us have sadly got families who are ‘too busy’ to do the things we always managed to find time for. I think it must be a generational thing, but so glad I am not the only one who gets upset because family don’t/forget/whatever me. It’s so easy to think it must be something we have done wrong to deserve it, so keep sharing so we can all support one another.

Just a thought.... my mum missed contact from some of her grandchildren, especially when they started families and she didn't see the great grandchildren. I set up a family space for photos and made a what's app group asking all to post occasional pics of their lives and kids. Everyone in the family group can see. People seem closer. Young people often live on their mobiles and find posting a photo really easy and natural to do. Something like that may help? Do you have a son or daughter who would get it started?

I think that's just young people today. Haweral - I too approach birthdays expecting to get hurt, and I know I shouldn't, but Mother's Day, I absolutely loathe! Trying to juggle doing the right thing for both our mothers (and we're from the generation that sees spending quality time, and a nice card, and little treats etc to make our beloved mums' happy) as well as being a mum and seeing my children if I can, too, and as well as now one of them wanting her own mother's day with her child, is a logistic nightmare, and I find the only 'mum' doing everything to keep everyone else happy, but going without herself, is me, every year. It's my big birthday this year and I doubt it'll be any different to the usual. I've always tried to make it clear a present isn't necessary, more importantly it's the time spent, the thought behind it, etc, and I feel I should be grateful if I get a text to say 'happy birthday' but I'm not! Sometimes, not even a text. And a text takes a couple of seconds with no real thought behind it at all. If I'm 'lucky' they may come by and drop off a box of chocolates, and yes, I appreciate that many don't even get that, but it's like a duty, no real thought, and surely, as they know I loathe cooking and had to cook for 7+ all these years (until they all left home, all in the last 6 years), why don't any of them invite us over for a meal, or come by and offer to get me a sandwich and a cuppa while I put my feet up (bliss!). Or heaven forbid, take me out for lunch!!! I so often cook for them when they come over, but it's never reciprocated. I just feel chocolates are the easy option. I will add that I've spent my life trying to keep everyone else happy and making a point of putting others first and dropping everything to be there for them whenever they need me to be - so maybe it's my fault that they take me for granted. My husband just says that's the youth of today, not just our kids, but it's becoming such a sad, selfish world, with little thought for others, everyone is always 'so busy', yet they always have time to fit everything else in. I suppose I have to accept that they no longer have any use for me.....

I think perhaps it does not matter so much if you are in regular contact. Just nice to know they think of you sometimes.

I would be hurt too but that is kids these days. I'm more hurt if my kids forget. I think you are just very sensitive to these things like me. I approach a birthday expecting to get hurt.

It's upsetting enough not to get cards from your AC never mind the grand-children. If the mother of my grand-children
does not send me a card then it's unlikely that the GC will. Perhaps when they are older they might do it.

I think it erodes the relationship to a degree as I always do cards and presents particularly for the G.C.
To have just one tiny bit of appreciation shown would be nice, I am a giver but so often most are just takers.

I honestly think that we were the last generation to be brought up to remember relations' and friends' birthdays and wedding anniversaries.

I don't know, can't remember looking back, if we tried to bring our children up to do the same.

I just know that they don't do it, either because they don't think it is important or because they just forget.

I think we just have to accept it, as it will cause bad feeling if we reproach them, but it could perhaps be time to consider whether present giving is to continue.

In my family we give presents if we are actually with a person at Christmas or on a birthday, otherwise we don't.

Try not to be too hurt- easier said than done, I know and do buy yourself something on your own birthday.

Part of the reasons we had family breakdowns were due to this sort of thing. My late MIL had expectations, certainly around cards and presents. I always felt our parents generation were a generation that expected things, and there was a duty to do certain things. We reversed that for our children. We said if you want to.....fine, if you don’t want to.....fine. No explanation needed. There’s no joy in receiving something that the giver has been told to send you.

I wouldn’t be particularly upset about a card or visit, but surely that could manage a text.

I think it is the trend with a lot of youngsters now, my nephew 'doesn't do' cards, he likes to receive them though, especially if there is something in them! He doesn't even sent them to his Gran who is 98 next month. I think he is downright mean not to send her one!

I agree with your sentiments Apricity and Peardrop50 but if you enjoy receiving cards and a small gift as I do then I think one's family should be aware of this and do it because it gives pleasure. A little thoughtfulness goes a long way.

these mostly mothers who have to prompt youngsters to remember GPs' birthdays, why don't they tell them to put it in their phones, under calendar, with a reminder a week before.
maybe stand over them while they do it.
bet they've got all their important events in there.

You should ever give a gift to expect one in return.....

I post a gift to our great-nieces and nephews at Christmas and even write my email address on the card.
One niece always sends a handwritten thank you card, two nieces-in-law send a Facebook messenger post, others don't respond and I don't even know if the gift arrived (or didn't they like it?).
Hey ho. Can't win 'em all ?

DH had to be reminded when his own DM’s birthday was - and every year was surprised when I told him it was the same date as my DF’s birthday! With that sort of track record I’m not surprised that DGC forget birthdays - but in my experience usually their Mums remind them and they do something about it. If they then can’t be bothered why should you bother about them?

I have two grown up boys and always remind them when it's Grandad's birthday (Mum died last year). It could be argued that I shouldn't have to remind them but it's worth it when my dad tells me they've sent a card, visited or phoned.

Thank you everyone, it nice to know they are happy, that’s the main thing. I will continue to sent cards and a gift card, not expect anything back. I would feel mean not acknowledging their birthdays as it’s contact with them. I have decided to reduce the amount I give though and start to treat myself on my birthday, but I won’t wrap it.?

Totally agree with pint sized who says they will regret later. Sounds like a lovely person. Personally I have today bought a card but no gift for great niece who is 21 as I feel that despite being so close when she was younger is now more like a stranger.

on the whole there are no thank yous anymore, disgraceful really and bad mannered especially when these days it is so easy with the internet and texts

I had a birthday recently,the first one on my own.I GD who I am very close to brought a lovely card plus flowers and wine.Another GD ,who I am also close to ,came two days earlier with a fruit hamper and 2 bottles of gin from her 2 sisters and 1 brother.I consider myself very lucky to get cards from all of them and home made cards from the 3 foster grandchildren and 1 GGD.I know they are all concerned for me and unable to visit.

it is sad, to be so taken for granted and unregarded.
don't collude in it. don't be a victim.
send messages that don't cost money, or effort shopping.
but don't extend yourselves for people who take without giving.

I am sorry that you feel hurt but a card is not a measure of love, they're young and distracted and just don't think of cards. You sound like such a lovely Gran that I'm sure they can't help but love you.
I am a practical sort myself and see cards and postage as a bit of a rip off. I'd much rather a telephone call or a whatsapp message. Since the advent of Whatsapp our whole family post a string of messages to the birthday boy/girl and we can then print the page off if we choose, much easier to store one sheet of A4 than a pile of cards that you feel can't be thrown. The advantage is that all the youngsters are on the family group and so everyone is reminded of everyone else's birthday.
Facetime and zoom also provide nice family chats which also include family overseas so birthdays can be quite joyous without a penny being spent.

Our family (4 grown up daughters, 4 grandchildren) don’t really worry too much about cards and gifts. Sometimes we send them, sometimes we don’t. But we all chat regularly and are there to help if needed. Those are the things that matter. Grown up children and grandchildren are busy with their own lives and friends. That’s all. It can be hard to realise that you’re not the main person in their lives anymore and, in a way, it would be pretty sad if you were.