DS & DIL struggling with IVF

It’s very hard to watch DC going through this - I remember my daughter coming to tell me she and SIL were categorised as ‘sub-fertile’ and were signed up for tests and IVF. She had been on the pill 15 years since she first started taking it for acne, and my own cycle was significantly disrupted after only being on the pill for four years so I thought that might be a reason. I said all the wrong things about relaxing etc. But then the miracle happened and she was pregnant with DGD. Three years later they tried for another baby, and not only did she fall pregnant easily, she had twins! DD’s friend has had several IVF cycles and has been pregnant three times only to lose the babies, before finding out that a stitch in her cervix would have saved the pregnancies. I do hope your DIL and DS have a happy ending

twiglet77, this is a very hard time for you all. I have one GC through what was for my daughter (eventually) successful - but painful and emotionally draining- IVF. She/SIL wanted a second child very much; but had to come to terms with the fact that it was not going to happen. They decided to come to terms with the situation, and concentrate instead on all the positives in their lives. (Adoption/fostering was considered but was not an option after my SIL later became ill).

This has been a good decision, especially now my SIL's condition has deteriorated and he may not live to see his child grow up.

Just a thought - I had several great aunts of the first world war generation who missed out on having their own children. I loved them dearly and they were as central to my life as my grandmothers were. These aunts chose to develop close relationships with other children in the family, while at the same time taking on worthwhile work and developing other interests. They were brilliant role models.

I wish you and your family every comfort during this difficult time

I know of one IVF baby that was born after the first attempt. They thought they'd try for another, but 4 more rounds proved unsuccessful so they now foster.

My sister tried and failed. Our relationship has never been close but after I popped out 3 children with no problems, I don't think she ever really forgave me.

Wanting a baby may not be a right but for some women, and men, it can be devastating. The future they'd planned won't come to fruition.

I have every sympathy for anyone wanting to conceive.

I’m with you, Esspee. Having a child is a privilege, not a right, and I hate to think what the strain of this constant IVF treatment is having on their marriage.

All of this, particularly since by Chinese standards she has left it very late for babies. As grandtanteJE65 says, as parents in law, thankfully you are Western and won't judge in the way Chinese in law's would have done. Maybe send a card, not referring to the IVF but addressing them as beloved family.

I just find it hard to understand why people would put themselves through this process and again when success is so unlikely after so many failed cycles.
I would have thought it would be relatively simple for a Chinese woman to adopt a Chinese child, though they would obviously have to go through the full legal process in this country.
A member of my family found that it was almost impossible for them to have a baby naturally and thus they would probably not be accepted for NHS IVF. Knowing the mental and physical trauma associated with IVF they made to brave decision not to try privately but to move on to adoption.
I can appreciate the drive in people to have natural children, but there must come a time when they stop damaging themselves.

I feel sad for you not being able to do or say anything to help. My DS and his DW who live in NZ were together 20 years and we never talked about DGC (they had asked us not to) and we assumed they had chosen not to have any. Suddenly, out of the blue, DS phoned with big news. They were expecting!
That was 9 years ago but just writing this I am feeling the excitement all over again. He is 8 now and there won't be others.

My Dsis and her DH adopted 2 boys and I know plenty of others who have adopted or been adopted. Another family foster DC and love doing that. They don't want to have DC by choice.
Very wise words grandtante

I so feel for the couple, and for you.
All I can add is---just be there when they want/needyou, and judge what loving messages and small gifts you can send them, totally unrelated to their IVF journey.
As already mentioned, your DIL needs your love and acceptance possibly even more due to her culture

I also agree don't go down the---possitive childlessness and adoption route---- unless they bring it up

I was desperate for children, 2 miscarriages then 3 live births having been told that the third must be my last---so we became Foster Parents.
110 foster children later we have seen many go on to be part of very successful, happy , Adoptive families.
My youngest DD ironically also had to go through ICSI, ironic because she knew just how easily some of the birth mums of our FC fell pregnant

Fortunately for them she became pregnant the first time,then went on to have a natural conceptio, a 1 in 50 chance for them.
Infertility and the longing for a child is a very difficult subject to raise, and as it is bound up in emotion, social and cultural issues it is also something that is individualto each and every one of us

My DS and DIL went through this two years ago. They had the IVF allowed on the nhs, then spent their savings on more tries. My son had an operation to possibly clear some sort of blockage, which the surgeon said was 'worth a try'. He says the resultant scarring is hideous. Nothing worked; it was just month after month of heartbreak. I have always thought that having a child is a gift, not a right but when I read of parents who mistreat their kids, or worse, I wonder what it's all about.

I think the best you can do is assure them that you are thinking of them.

It is probably best not to make suggestions about adoption, or trying to come to terms with the fact that they may remain childless.

If your son brings up these topics than you will have to say something, but especially long-distance, it is not a good idea to start these discussions.

Please, do make sure your DIL knows that you respect (love) her. It is very, very hard for a childless Chinese wife not to feel that her parents-in-law are not just waiting for the day when their son divorces this (useless) woman. You are not, but help her to understand that you know she loves your son and he her and that that is the really important thing to you all.

It is hard for us to understand these attitudes to a childless woman, but they do still exist in other parts of the world.

I can't begin to imagine how this all feels but I'm sure it impacts on a person's mental health.

Pippa22, your post brought tears to my eyes, that’s so sad, and must have been bad for such drastic action to be taken. I was adopted....and although I had a good life in the sense of being well looked after, I didn’t feel particularly loved by my mum, and my dad was oblivious really. I was lucky, and able to have my children very easily, but my husband and I discussed whether we would adopt if we couldn’t have our own. I just couldn’t have personally, but am glad not all people feel like that. twiglet77, it must be heartbreaking for you, but I can’t see how you can advise...just be there when they want to talk. As someone else said, it may be if they relax, and stop making it the focus of their lives, your DIL may naturally conceive. Hope so, and all the best?

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

My daughter (at 40 now) and S-i-L are struggling with this. The problem was his, each time my daughter gets pregnant and then miscarries, now they have found she does not have enough Natural Killer cells. The treatment for this is experimental as they know more about having too many Natural killer cells. She was due to start the treatment as Lockdown came. I find that I do not mention it at all. She will tell me what she wants and when she is ready. I have assured her that I am here whenever she wants but do not want to add to her burden by keep bringing it up.

Her twin brother has 3 daughters,

It so depends on what is preventing her from getting Cyprus, basically because a clinic there had a good reputation - and it worked!! DD was 43, cancer treatment had caused her fertility problems. That is why I shall be looking after a 4 year old GD this pm!!

IVF is a roller coaster of a ride without any total assurances that it will work. Our latest GS is an IVF baby. They were fortunate that it worked first time as my DIL can't conceive naturally. That in itself is another heartbreaking story.

All you can do is be there for them in whatever way they need you.

It wasn't until our kids started their own families that I realised how exceptionally fortunate we had been to have ours so easily.

I feel for you so much as I had to watch my DD go through IVF and until you see someone go through it and for it not to work you just don’t understand the heartbreak it brings - just be there for them both when they need you

I am sorry that you feel frustrated at being unable to help.
I am not in favour of IVF and feel that it does take a great toll on a woman's body.
I know of two ladies who suffered from hyperstimulation with the hormones they had to inject and both went on to develop ovarian cancer, extreme scenario but it does happen.

I had my last child through IVF (ICSI) and it was emotionally draining. My brain went to mush and my husband had to pay twice for the car to be drained down and cleaned after I put petrol in instead of diesel! However, the worst bit was the first pregnancy (after the first round) had to be terminated when the baby was found to have a life limiting congenital condition. I was over 20 weeks through mistakes made by the hospital, my uterus ruptured because I had placenta acreta and I nearly didn't make it after losing huge amounts of blood. The trauma of that on top of the IVF was crippling and I didn't think I would ever smile again.

It was a big decision whether to carry on trying for another baby but I was absolutely desperate despite the risk I was taking because placenta acreta is a high risk with a scarred uterus. We got pregnant on the 3rd round and the pregnancy was a huge worry. The night before the CS I was panic stricken at the chance I had taken which would possibly leave my other 2 kids as orphans. However, everything went swimmingly, I had my son who is now 19, who is a complete joy and has made me smile more than I could ever have believed. I would have happily tried again with the remaining embryo's but my husband said a very definite no! To be honest, when I had a radical hysterectomy it was a relief to know I didn't ever have to think about a faint chance of being pregnant ever again.

I don't know whether your DIL should accept her fate. I know I would have resented it big time if I was forced into giving up. It is only a decision that both parties can make and their wishes respected.

Twiglet I'm so sorry, and it must be very difficult for you, too, hearing about all this and not being able to help. I have heard that Reiki, Reflexology and Acupuncture can work. Far less invasive - more about balancing the body. Good luck.

So the conception occurs but the embryos fail after the implantation? If they're spending so much on IVF anyway, maybe they could consider a surrogacy?

My DD and her husband went through this gruelling process and it nearly finished them off mentally. They went to a clinic in Greece which has a phenomenal success rate. My DD is a doctor so presumably had researched it to the nth degree. I gave them the money for one round in the UK.
They now have a boy and girl. They had counselling which she says helpEd them survive.
They didn’t tell what was going on, initially but as soon as they did, we started to be anxious for them, which does noone any good. Just keep your fingers crossed and be supportive, that’s all you can do really.

my dil and ds had one IVF treatment, lost just before the 3 months,, decided not worth the pain and real physical pain to try anymore..
comes the time, when we have to make a decision

no, accept some of us have to be childless. or adopt?

Having seen a friend go through just 2 cycles of IVF, I can say that the whole thing is possibly one of the most gruelling treatments anyone can go through, possibly next to chemo therapy.
The constant testing, scans, hormone injections every day, along with surgery means that your whole life just revolves around it.
As someone that lost 2 babies due to stillbirth and miscarriage before my 3rd time lucky son, I can honestly say that it almost becomes a compulsion to carry on the same route, to prove that you can be the same as others and to have a child.
The only problem is that you almost become so obsessed with having a child, that the whole reason of you being a couple and your marriage can get forgotten. I was told by my GP that something in the region of two thirds of marriages break down when there are obstetric or fertility problems.(As did my marriage and my friend's). Because of that, I would suggest that you suggest to your DS gently, that they have a break from the system for a bit, to allow them both time to recover their relationship.
I have lost count of the couples that decided to step off the roundabout that fell pregnant naturally ( 1 couple had adopted, several others were going through the process of adoption and one couple even took off on a round world trip!) So there may still be hope.

We’ve been in that position too. My daughter and her husband had IVF to eventually have their wonderful little family. Like Marydoll my daughter suffered very badly mentally from the awful stress of it all, and also eventually had a breakdown, something I don’t normally say on the public forum, although have said in PMs to individual posters. We eventually went to ARGC in London, which diagnosed the problem and was able to give them the family they so desperately wanted. It is not an easy route and is horrendously expensive.
My son adopted a child. A completely different route to make the family they wanted.
Both routes are difficult, long, and stressful, but eventually the family they so want is formed.
Good luck to your son and daughter in law.