DS & DIL struggling with IVF

twiglet77 my heart goes out to you and to your DS and DIL. I am going through a similar situation with my youngest DD who is starting out on this treacherous journey. My heart just breaks for her, but all we can do is listen carefully, accept their valid feelings and simply be there for them emotionally. To try to convince them of "wonderful child free possibilities" will fall on deaf ears, I can guarantee

My daughter went through IVF. The consultant suggested that there had been some research to show that consuming several egg whites each day, I think it was about 7, helped the embryo to 'stick'. It was her second round of IVF, she took the egg whites every day for as long as was recommended, sick of meringues and egg-white omellettes (can't spell) she eventually downed them raw mixed into orange juice. She has beautiful boy and girl twins now 13 years old. No idea if the egg whites helped but might be worth a try.

My DD and SIL went through this in Australia, it’s so difficult to find something supportive and encouraging to say over the phone/Skype each time it fails. Watching the heartbreak and not being able to give them a hug was awful. Eventually they decided to try a different clinic with a slightly different approach and now we have 2 beautiful DGDs. Maybe they could try changing clinics, I know it’s quite easy to do in Australia but don’t know about China

Our DD & SIL went through 3 rounds of IVF. DD isn't a great communicator at the best of times, they lived a long drive from us so most of the info I had about the process came from a young friend of mine who'd been through it herself,or from SIL. It was a harrowing time for both of them, not only mentally but physically & the desperate disappointment after each failed attempt was so painful for them & also for us. 3 times was enough and they gave up and, as we thought, settled into a childless marriage...only they didn't, they split up and I'm sure the failed IVF was a root cause. I'm amazed Twiglet's son & DIL have managed 5 rounds, they must be at their wits' end & I can't imagine the toll on DIL's body. It's hard to stand by & not interfere but I'm sure you must be feeling, as we did, that enough is enough & if it hasn't happened by now, it's almost certainly not going to. I too wanted to wave that magic wand. I feel very sorry for you, it's not a good place to be in.

Adoption isn’t an easy option. There are lengthy vetting processes, children can be emotionally damaged and not easily fit into family life particularly if they have been shunted around foster families previously. A close young friend recently after a long process adopted a apparently lovely little girl who after two years had to be returned with much sadness by my friend and her husband. The poor little thing had had such an appalling very early life and was so damaged that she will never be able to join a family but will need to be in care with intensive therapeutic help. Really sad and broke the lovely young couple who just wanted a child to love and care for.

We have been in that position with my DS and DIL. It was a horrendous time and DIL had a nervous breakdown because of it all.
It had a terrible impact on both their emotional health and after years later it is still affecting them. DIL nearly lost her life having my wee granddaughter.
You have to keep your own counsel and just be there to support them. It is very hard to watch them suffering, but only they can make the decision to stop trying.

I have to agree with Iam64 about IVF. Are there cultural reasons why adoption is not possible twiglet77.
I know its difficult when one has children to understand the desperation of childless couples. I have seen before that this completely takes over their lives at great cost both emotionally and financially.
As an adopted child I have of course fairly strong views but I understand this route is not for everyone.
I would be encouraging your son and daughter in law to have a break twiglet and take stock of their life and future.

I have been that person with obsession and looking back it is something that we had to work through. Just as we started to come out the other side to get on with the life we had and to make I found myself pregnant.

I don't mean to sound cold because I do understand the desire the need to have children. Five rounds of IVF sounds enough to me. We shouldn't forget IVF takes a toll on both parents, isn't risk free for mother or if a baby arrives, for the child.
The same goes for adoption.
Sometimes, making the decision to accept what life has given us, however hard that is and however unfair it feels, is the least worse decision we can make.
I hope this doesn't sound cold and heartless because that is not my intention .

Even more difficult in China were early marriage and babies will make them stand out as childless even more. Family is so revered there, they must feel like outcasts.

Will they consider adoption, if they can't have a baby of their own?

It must be hard on them but I find it difficult to understand the obsession that drives people to try so many interventions.
Being child free opens wonderful possibilities for a full and exciting life together for a couple.
As a concerned parent twiglet77 you are in a difficult position. Best to say nothing.