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Going separate ways

(9 Posts)
mrsmjr Sun 06-Sep-20 10:00:33

Hi. I'm new to gransnet and would appreciate any advice. Many years ago I agreed to be buried next to my husband despite my personal preference for a cremation, because it meant so much to him for us to 'be together'. Although we've been together for 30yrs we don't live together. This is mostly my choice. TBH I can't cope with him full time. He has mental and physical problems. Sometimes he's like Jekyll and Hyde. Very generous and kind to outsiders looking in but he can turn very nasty if he doesn't get his own way. He manipulates me with emotional blackmail. Earlier this year we agreed on a natural burial, but it turned out we wouldn't actually be next to each other; that was only poss with cremation. So it was all agreed, he said he was ok with that if it was what I wanted. Yes, I really like the place.
He's now changed his mind entirely! Says he wants burial not cremation, must be in a 'proper' place, headstone, the works. Complete turnaround! And obviously the opposite to what I'd like. I can't bear the thought of a cemetery for myself. And then the emotional blackmail started and he expected me to give in. But this time I haven't. Eventually he said he would never force me to do what I didn't want to(ha, maybe not directly!) and has given me the money to sort out my natural burial/ashes. I know he's found it very hard accepting that we won't end up together (in death if not living together) and things are very strained at the moment. Also I know my children(he's dad to youngest) would be happier knowing I'm where I want to be, back to nature. I I feel sad about it all, but I'm not wrong in sticking to my guns on this, am I? Sorry this is so long!

tanith Sun 06-Sep-20 10:36:43

No not in my world, it makes not a jot of difference once one is gone. You and husband aren’t close by your account so he will just have to accept what you are happy with, don’t let him sway you.

Calendargirl Sun 06-Sep-20 10:54:45

Could your ashes either go in his grave or be scattered on it?
Then you would be ‘together’?

On a practical level, if he dies first, you can suit yourself where they go.

annsixty Sun 06-Sep-20 10:55:49

Agree with tanith when you are gone it really won’t matter.
If you like agreeing with him to keep the peace, do so and if he goes first ask your family to carry out your wishes, he will never know.

Calendargirl Sun 06-Sep-20 10:56:56

Sorry, re-reading, I see it looks like you have opted for a natural burial.

Yes, do what you want, it’s your body.

MissAdventure Sun 06-Sep-20 10:59:43

I think it's the ultimate act of control, to try and dictate where your final resting place will be.

You aren't living together in the here and now, so you aren't wrong at all to insist on what is important to you.

Pavlova65 Mon 07-Sep-20 09:22:01

Mrsmjr, your body, your choice so do what you want. I too was married to a man exactly how you describe your husband but I finally left a few weeks ago and we live in different parts of the country now. Glad you have managed to escape to your own dwelling - living with men like this is hell on earth. I was constantly stressed with my stomach in a knot and my heart racing as I could never predict his moods or rages.

trustgone4sure Mon 07-Sep-20 10:24:29

Great advice Tanith.
If he goes first he can`t do much about your wishes anyway mrsmjr.

Maggiemaybe Mon 07-Sep-20 11:07:57

I don’t really care what happens once I’m gone, I’ve just stipulated it should be as cheap and as environmentally friendly as possible at the time. But I wouldn’t be dictated to like this on anything, and don’t think you should be either, mrsmjr.