Losing my Husband

Msida, although I have no religion, I too felt that I should also be dead. I felt incomplete, a lost fragment of a person, mortally wounded - yet appearing OK and coping from the outside.

I had a lot of sympathy and support at first (when I was feeling pretty numb and didn't need it), then, yes, life moves on and it really hit me after about nine months.

By then, everyone was off doing their own stuff, assuming I'd coped with it. A library book about the stages of grief really helped me. I was reassured that my feelings were quite normal.

I threw myself into study, a degree course that I'd never have done, normally. It was a challenge, a fresh new focus - and it brought a welcome group of new friends with it.

My whole identity had changed (or was changing) and they had no expectations that I'd remain the same 'old me'. I found their company so refreshing and much easier than being with family and old friends at that time.

Msida I am so sorry. Such a hard time for you. My husband died many years ago but I still dream of him sometimes.
The first months and years after a loss are very up and down. You will get through as many others on GN have. All I can tell you is that it does get better, although I know you can't believe that right now.
My husband lives on through our children and grandchildren. They never leave completely.

Msida, when I lost my husband (long ago) I found that, for the first six months or so, I 'forgot' overnight. I'd wake in the morning, then after a minute or two, I'd remember he was gone and feel so upset.

I was told that it was just the mind protecting itself so that I could rest.

Later, I 'knew' all the time, so waking was less traumatic.

I had a recurring dream, though, that as I went downstairs, he unexpectedly strolled through the door. I'd say 'What are you doing here? You died!'

The brain/mind certainly does strange things at times!

Msida so sorry for your recent loss . My DH died 8 months ago and still every night when I settle down to (hopefully) go sleep he is in my mind , in a way comforting . It is so natural after living with someone for many years . After 8 months I am still finding life hard without his presence in my life , even though he wasn’t the easiest of partners ! So take it very slowly and maybe tell your family how you feel and you need a bit more of their time for a while . I find babysitting the grandchildren very soothing and gives me a purpose .

Msida I am so sorry for you loss. I know that there are many Gransnetters here who will give you all their understanding and support so just keep posting and talking to us.

midgey - I do understand about the "living without the worry" as I looked after my OH for a long time and the worry really took its toll - you think it will feel good for that worry to go away, but it has been the norm for so long that it is hard to let go of it and really relax.

Msida - all marriages have their ups and downs - mine certainly did. Please try not to dwell on the downs - the important thing is that you stuck by each other through those ups and downs - loyalty is something to be treasured.

My husband died in April, I had been looking after him for very nearly twenty one years. It still feels so odd that I can live without the constant worry, but actually it’s like living with a hole. In a hole and with an enormous gap. I still feel that he might come home. Sending you a hug.

Msida. Friends on here know what it's like. You are not alone.

Mayflower you said
The first year was a fog. By the second all but close family had stopped talking about him. I still think about him every day and miss him

I so agree and think this is why the second year is even harder than the first - and subsequent years go the same way.
The rest of the world keeps spinning there are lives to be led, other preoccupations and unless you mention him, it could be as if he had never existed, as far as the rest of the world goes.
“How are you?” they ask “keeping busy?” As if that made everything all right.
I have no answers or suggestions especially the day after my darling DH’s birthday - fortunately he lived to see all the family here on his 70th and died 6 weeks later.
It does not go away, but many here know exactly where you are coming from

Msida so sorry to hear. I've still got my DH but I do think about it and the thought is overwhelming. I know eventually we all got to go through with it, ourselves or our partners.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Thank you for your messages it's so kind of you to take the time.

Our marriage wasn't the very best we had our ups and downs but stayed together til the end

I appreciate your kindness x

My husband died 5years ago on August 1st. The first year was a fog. By the second all but close family had stopped talking about him. I still think about him every day and miss him. I've retired early due to health reasons as teaching four year olds throughout covid is too risky for me whatever the Government might say. Be kind to yourself, Your life is precious. It's not what you had hoped for and the future you expected will not be. But the sun still shines and the flowers still grow. I feel for you. It gets easier, doesn't go away and some days are harder than others. Be kind to yourself.

So sorry for your loss, Msida, and Fuchsiarose, too. You must both be going through hard times. Contacting Cruse does seem like a good idea.

I did not lose a husband, but I lost my mum. I wish she was still here now. Towards the last five years of her life she got dementia. It was too late to say anything to her about I loved her and wanted her to know how much I appreciated her. I took care of her, but she did not recognise me. I still dream of her. What I am trying to say here is remember the good times. Life is fleeting

Be gentle with yourself - it is such early days. My OH died in February, and there are days when suddenly I do not believe it, even though my brain knows it is true.

One day at a time - he is a part of you and always will be, so you can go on with life and share that love with all your family.

I understand about the feeling of life being pointless, especially of you had been caring for him before he died - it leaves a huge gap and a sense of no longer having a role. Learning to love oneself and find purpose when alone is a challenge; but you will get there.

Thank you so much MawB2

Thank you Grammaretto I was told about cruse from my Manager at work. Haven't called them yet. Thank you.

Like Tanith I don’t find it upsetting either, as Esspee says, he was such a part of your life it is only natural he should be in your dreams, as you say like he is still here. My DH died nearly 3 years ago and nobody can fully prepare you for what you are experiencing. I would have gone with him in a heartbeat, but now I feel he would want me to go on as a mother and grandmother of the children he loved.
Let nobody tell you it is anything but very hard but there are many on GN in your position and we are always here to support or provide what comfort we can.
Sincere sympathy

It is so recent. I am sorry. I have been told that at first everyone is kind and caring but that soon they get on with their busy lives and imagine that you are coping .
You aren't ready yet to be by yourself and need someone to talk to every day.
Try Cruse, bereavement care..
www.cruse.org.uk/

Thank you grannypiper

Thank you Sodapop.

I'm so sorry for your loss Msida your grief is still very raw and the feelings you describe are to be expected. I think you should talk to your family about your husband and the life you shared together, you shouldn't shut it all away.
There are self help groups out there, it helps to talk to others who have suffered losses as well. As time passes you will find a purpose to life. Take care.

Another thing that comforts me is that when I die I will be with him again. I have thought that I would like to also die. I do have two children and 5 grandchildren, do see them but everyone busy living their lives as you do and I might see them maybe once a month. I know it's selfish wishing I would die to be back with my husband but I feel there is no purpose for me to be here now I feel that he has gone and I want to go with him. Don't mean suicide of course.