Granddaughter doesn’t want to go home ?

I’m worried that she is so distressed at leaving you. I’m sorry but what is happening to her at home so that she doesn’t want to return?

M Y eldest GD was just the same. She did have a very bumpy start in life, as mum and dad split when she was 3. Mum took up with another chap and was quickly expecting twins. Mum was a doting parent and GD spent a lot of time with her dad who she adored. She came to my house often and stayed over but never wanted to go home. She would plead with me to stay. It broke my heart. I used to say, you have to go home now but you will come back very soon. At the age of 11, she chose to live with her dad and she was so happy. Still used to stay with us a lot but her main, stable home life was with her dad. She is now 18 and at university, a very sensible, mature young lady who is studying Mental Health at Uni. Her dad is her rock! She goes to visit her mum and other siblings but I do t think she has much love for her. Mum is my DD and I do feel so sad for her. I’m sure your little one will be fine but it does take time.

Do we continue forcing her to go home?
Yes, stay bright and cheerful and say you're looking forward to seeing her next time, ask her to take some hugs home for Mummy, Daddy and little sister etc.

I don't know why it took an hour to get her into the car, were you cajoling and pleading?
She's 4, you're the adults.

Sorry, but I do think she’s playing you My granddaughter used to do this when her mum picked her up. It’s all about attention, and who gives the most. She needs to learn she can’t behave like this, and still visit granny and grandad.

My DD2 has a laminated chart with velcro stickers of us, herself and the childminder for the week. The days are divided into morning, afternoon and evening (she works in CAMHS with under 12s). Each day there is a picture of who DGS2 is with. He is only 2 ½ but likes and responds well to this. She made it because he was sobbing going away with the childminder rather than us and it has helped. These charts are used mainly with children with a disability but can be used with children who don't have a disability. Might be an idea to adapt?

I imagine all this is academic now, as I assume you will not contemplate breaking lockdowns rules again during this coming month. It is shocking to learn that you deliberately broke lockdown rules to appease this child.

You don't consider your grand-daughter (not a baby) to be spoilt, but she is extremely strong-willed and she will now have to learn, painfully, that she cannot dictate how she runs her life. The sooner the four adults who love her dearly realise that giving in to her is not in her best interests the better.

Good advice easybee.

If we were not moving into a 2nd lockdown I would also support that you did the care in her home & also used the visual timetable so she can see when she is with mum and when she is with Nana.

Children often do play adults off against each other..they may not mean to do it and it may be completely unconscious.

I think it is important for you to be firm and say clearly that staying longer with you is not possible. It is so hard not to cuddle and hug a tearful child but think you should stand back, move away from her and be firm ( but kind!)

Let her grandad/ mum/dad take on this comforting role.

If everyone can be calm, matter of fact and not upset or appeasing her when she cries it may help her get out of a habit she does not know how to stop. Adults have to take control when a child has lost control and it seems she has.

I agree.
Children can easily work themselves up into an almost hysterical state (well, mine could!)

Adults fussing and pussyfooting around only reinforces the behaviour.

Yes.
I don't know how anyone can drive with a child screaming in the back of the car.
DH would have stopped the car and said enough's enough.

Anyway, as someone said it's all academic now.

Good Morning!

So first of all, thank you for all your constructive ideas and suggestions, it is very much appreciated!

Now some more of our life story as I feel the need to explain one or two things better....

I do refer to our granddaughters as ‘ours’, because they are!

Our daughter and son-in-law suffered many miscarriages, before, in between and after the births of our 2 precious little miracles. Both her Dad and I have been with them both every step of the way, throughout each heartbreaking loss and the births of both of their babies. We are a very close family, however we always remember our role in their babies lives, which is why we are guided by them both as their parents in everything we do for our DGD’s.

It was actually my husband and I who were very young when we became parents to our DD. I was just 18 and my husband just 19. We both worked, my husband during the day and I worked evenings and weekends. We had very little family time, but we did what we had to do to support our growing family. We have another daughter and a son, who at present still live with us.

Our DD and SIL could’ve done what we did as the job that my SIL has, he could choose to work evenings and weekends and our DD work Monday-Friday. However, my husband and I were able to offer them free childcare and, after going through so many fertility problems to have their babies, they were extremely grateful of this as they would have that time to spend as a family. Despite our DD having to work full time for the moment, they make every minute with their babies count, their dinner is ready as soon as they get home and household chores are done when the babies are in bed. Our DD and SIL quite often don’t sit down together until 9.30. They’re both absolutely shattered, but have big smiles on their faces because the know how very lucky they are! We are immensely proud of them both as parents ❤️

Our DD and SIL both have to work. After having DGD1, DD returned to the job she had been in for the 7 years before, part time. After 3 weeks of being back at work, she was offered a promotion, which meant going back to full time. Our DD wants to work, wanted her daughter to be proud of her Mummy, so she accepted this role, for this reason. After DGD2 arrived, there was no way she would return to full time and on her return to work after 12 months maternity leave, she expected to have to give up her promoted role, however her employer wanted her back that much she was allowed to keep her role on a 3 day week basis.

When COVID-19 hit and my husband had to shield, her employer offered her furlough. They fully understood that our DD wanted her girls to be cared for by us and as we couldn’t take the risk of having our DGD’s during the pandemic, while DD and SIL were still working, furlough was the best solution.

As the pandemic has continued, unfortunately my husband is still at great risk. Our DD applied for a new job working from home, meaning no travelling time which was an added bonus. The only downside is that the position is full time, 5 days over a 7 day week for a probationary period of 6 months, after which she can reduce her hours to part time.

As our DGD’s are still very young, it would be impossible for our DD to do her job whilst giving her girls the attention they need. Rather than expect her Dad and I to have the girls 5 days a week, our DD and SIL are trying to work their rotas between them so that we are only taking care of them 2-3 days a week, during DD’s probationary period. So Bibbity they didn’t ‘plan their family around their work rotas’, they are trying to work their childcare between them. As DGD1 has been so used to being with me, she is probably just missing me as she isn’t spending as much time here.

We care for both of our DGD’s. They get on very well and like the same things. DGD2 doesn’t always want to stay over, she loves to go home and gets very excited when Mummy and Daddy finish work. We have a caravan and up until the last few weeks had been taking both our DGD’s there for the days we were having them, which they both love!

DGD1 is a worrier and a deep thinker, she talks a lot about her Great Grandad and does ask lots of questions about why people/animals die when they’re old. DD and SIL got her a hamster in January, but unfortunately that died in June. My husband and I have both just had birthdays so maybe, with what’s happening at the moment with the pandemic and us having birthdays, she’s worried about something happening to us. Her staying over has never been an issue for our DD, SIL or us. It’s always been as and when and to be honest, because DD was on furlough from March until August, up until the last few weeks she hasn’t wanted to as much. Maybe she’s finding Mummy working full time a bit tough. Because she’s always been more than happy to come here I didn’t really think about that.

You’ve given me so many things to think about, so thank you!

I do refer to our granddaughters as ‘ours’, because they are!, again sorry Nanasquid, I didn’t read the rest of this post...I saw this one line and felt this is the backbone to your problems. It could have been accentuated by baby two coming along, but regardless of this, your GD1 needs more firmness in her life, otherwise she will end up in charge. Use this next lockdown to start. I wish you well.

First the terrible twos, then the thunderous threes and if you have pussy-footed around them then, at four they find out how to get their own way.
That's not a criticism of you, btw, but you may be showing your anxiety at her distress and she knows that.
It is an anxious time for all of us and she will be picking up on that too.

If your husband is shielding you may have to think again about the arrangements now lockdown is here again.

There does seem to be an ultra amount of involvement in your DD family lives. I wonder if it's time to take a step back for a while. You refer to the grandchildren as 'yours', but the are your DD and SiL, the lines do seem to be blurred and the GC may be confused.

Thank you Nanasquid for the update.
I'm so glad you and your daughter and sil are talking about this. It's so heartening to see a family willing to listen to each other.

My take on this for what it's worth is she is fearful. As Illte suggested up thread probably about the uncertainty of life due to the pandemic.
I do remember one of mine becoming inquisitive about death and more fearful at the same age. In our case the Iraq war was constantly on the TV and even though I tried my best to turn off the child absorbed it and became quite tearful for a while.

I do wonder if more strict behaviour forcing your GD to go against her feelings is counterintuitive?
Afterall she is exhibiting fear not petulance or controlling behaviour.

Anyway I'm sure you and yours will find a way of managing her worries to the benefit of the whole family.
My very best wishes.

I think the problems started before the pandemic, is my understanding Namsnanny, but certainly may not be helped by that. I agree with others who say it sounds like she needs a firmer hand.

then exactly a week later, we were with my father-in-law as he died. Our DD found this extremely hard.

Has anyone chatted to your DGD about the loss of her great-grandfather? She could have anxieties about this if your DD was so upset and this coincided with the arrival of her baby sister.

Thank you for coming back to speak to us and explaining how you are reflecting on the replies. Children love consistency and it is difficult to provide that when what we are allowed to do day to day is constantly changing. Yes children need rules/boundaries but when they are afraid they need comfort and reassurance and you and your family are doing your utmost to provide that. I wish you all well.

Yes my feelings also Feelingmyage55.

"They were selfish to plan a family around their work rotas."

Dear Me!

I used to have a GD every weekend and all school holidays. Around the age of 5 she sobbed every Sunday afternoon saying how much she loved me and didn’t want to go home. I didn’t show that I was upset but was really concerned. In her late teens I asked her whether she remembered. She told me, with a little smile, that she had known exactly what she was doing and admitted that she was trying to manipulate me into letting her stay longer...
She is now a fine adult and a good, and firm, mother! It worked out all right.

Could this be belated sibling jealousy?

How did she react when the younger child was born?

Hi Nanasquid! I also have a granddaughter that has been a part of our household for most of her life (from living with us for 2 and a half years to the current situation whereby it probably averages out at around 40-50% of the time), however she is a little older than your granddaughter and has been able to vocalise her feelings. What we have found to calm her down/reassure her is to make a calendar with her and mark on the calendar when she will be with you and when she will be at home. Hence she can look at the calendar cross the days off as they pass and therefore she can tell when she will be seeing you next. Is this something that you could try? Hopefully you'll get something sorted soon as I appreciate that it is most upsetting for all concerned.

You sound like wonderful grandparents.I cant see my DD or Grandchildren at the moment due to the world situation at the moment.My DD's parents in law look after her 2,similar ages to the OP,and sometimes they just scream and cry and want to be at "Nanny's house" when they are brought home.My DD is thick skinned and knows it's because they get waited on hand and foot and spend 100% of their time with them,where as the poor parents have to work,run the house,constant washing and tidying to do...It must be heartbreaking seeing your DGC that distressed but when you know she has a safe,loving home and will adjust.This year has affected all of us no matter how young or old.She is lucky to have such a wonderful family around her,albeit separately.

Bibbity

They were selfish to plan a family around their work rotas. Your GD has made a secure attachment to you and is now distressed at the radical changes in her life.
The parents need to work on reinforcing the attachment they have to their child. How child focussed are they when they are home?

Op has said how devoted the parents are and that the dad plays for hours with the child.