Family boundaries

Sometimes MILs do not process gentle pushbacks...sometimes they need Bibbity's approach. I'd try the gentler approaches to see if they work and move to a more direct approach if they don't. Good luck.

A lot of people become more hidebound and domineering the older they get.

It sounds to me as if this is precisely the trouble with your MIL.

DO NOT let her get away with this, as if you do, it will get worse.

When she airs a view about how you should do something or other, smile and say, "Do your really think so, I prefer doing it this way, but we have our own views, don't we?" with a smile and go on precisely to do what you intended, or do nothing if that is applicable.

Just be firm with her but not nasty, if you feel she is getting too much, just say to her, while I value your opinion that’s not going to happen! You sound a caring DIL, I think DH should be on board with you and tell his mother, and yes I’ve been in your position, I had a MIL who undermined what I did 24/7 many many years ago. But as I was very young at the time, I put up with it, it needs nipping in the bud now,

I did not like my mother-in-law from the first time I met her and only disliked her more over the years. I am sure she felt the same about me as I was definitely not the sort of woman she wanted her son to marry. I think hse would have been pleased if our marriage had failed but fortunately it didn't. Having said all that, I think the real problem is that we were just not each other's type of person. We never actually fell out but there was always that slightly wary feeling when we met.

I feel truly sorry for anyone who fin ds themselves in this position. My solution was always to say as little as possible when she tried to take over but quietly ignore her attempts to advise us on what we should be doing about anything including telling us how we should bring up our baby to the colour we should paint our bedroom and the sort of meals we should have - she was a terrible cook!

I think your husband should. deal with this when she says these things. However not sure whether it is better or not to have one not like mine.

Might be the start of MIL losing some inhibitions due to illness or some minor cognitive decline in her old age. Personally wouldn't be too bothered, jsut get hubby onto the same page and develop a strategy for politely ignoring it and not letting her get under your skin. She's probably bored and lonley at best due to lockdown.

Her comments can only bother you if you let them. As others have suggested, just let them wash over you, with a vague remark and a smile. She probably means well, and doesn’t have much going on in her own life, at present. Hopefully, when (if) life gets back to normal she will have other things to think about. Certainly don’t fall out with her about it, and when DH pipes up ask him if it’s him, or his mother talking.
Sadly, I nursed my MIL through cancer, while expecting her first GC. She never lived to see him. MILs can be a mixed blessing, but I never had much chance to learn how we would have got along. Well, I think.
My DD is a little like your MIL. She’s adopted, and we have very different ideas on how to do things. Her, “Why don’t you.......?” comments are met with, “Mmmmmm! That’s an idea!”

I am saddened by the emphasis on formal “boundaries” - we are not talking committees, or nations or even different communities but families where communication is with individuals and where there are bonds going back a lifetime.
If MIL says something you don’t like, say so or smile, grit your teeth and ignore - that is up to you as an individual.
This setting of “rules” for family interaction seems to me a recent phenomenon - possibly originating elsewhere and encouraged by social media such as MN. And IMO the antithesis of mature adult behaviour.
What are the grandchildren of today going to grow up like with such examples.
I am glad I have made it to 72, raised 3 daughters, have 3 SILs who could not be bettered and 5 grandchildren whom I love and who (seem to) love me back.
As in marriages, mutual respect and consideration go a long, long way.

It seems that as MIL you can’t do right for doing wrong, it’s best keeping out of the way. The poster that has successfully reduced contact with her MIL to once a month and the reason given, it’s not my mother, MIL is seen as a threat I think. Wife will always have things her way as she has the children. All these wives will eventually be a MIL so hope they remember and remember to keep in the background. We all love our boys as much as our girls.

Reflect back to her...
'When you say that I feel disappointed you may be saying I am not a good enough Mum?'
Own your own feelings to your MIL & your husband
Only you can make yourself THINK you are a not good enough parent.
You KNOW you are doing your best.
That is good enough.
When in a similar position I sometimes choose to say nothing - then there is no confrontation- its not sulking, its enlightened self interest ?

Yes Anneeba I agree. Further to my earlier story, thinking about it further I'm sure I thought I was standing up for the child in some way. I am really glad now that nothing was made of it. C19 probably means your MIL has very few if any other people to talk to, so you get it all!

When she says something you disagree with just politely put in her place . When she says your daughter needs a hair cut , just say she is happy with the way it is . There is no need to be rude but if you disagree with her , just tell her why . We are all entitled to our own opinion .

Yes I agree ! Your DH needs to step in and smile nicely but just advice her to back off !

Just a little reminder to us all to never be that mother in law!

She may well be completely unaware that her remarks are becoming more intrusive, and if she has generally been welcomed by you might be aghast that you're feeling this way. I really don't understand why certain posters are so keen to make it into an unpleasant battle, not only between you and MIL but DH too; why?? I agree with the folk who suggest an airy 'mmm, maybe' type response, if possible with a small smile, will take the heat out of it and neither condone or antagonise her. I think everyone is feeling a bit more vulnerable with C19 and therefore others' behaviour can feel more acute than it usually does. Please don't hurt her, or pick a huge fight with your husband, it's unlikely to make you feel better overall. Do, if you can, take her intrusions with a pinch of salt and gently brush away any you don't like. Family is so important in these times, to all its members. Good luck, you sound lovely to me, don't get drawn into being otherwise but do trust yourself.

She is your husbands mother...have you told him how she is becoming? Maybe he needs to talk to her.

My MIL was a bit like that. I just used to say “Oh yes, that’s a good idea” and not do it.

Listen politely and if it’s not what you want to do then say. Stay polite & smile then make her a cup of tea and have biscuits. Don’t get involved in a row as you are the role model to your family.
Give her praise as she obviously cares and IS an important part of your family. Embrace her wisdom.

I'm just wondering how 'lately' this problem has occurred as she must have been on her own an awful lot this year even if she is in your bubble. I really wouldn't get worked up over remarks about the child's hair or eating habits they may just be remarks. I remember when one of my DGS was small getting a bit worried myself over the length of his fringe as I could see he was pushing it back all the time or he wouldn't have been able to see. In the end I mentioned it and what happened, nothing. I learnt to keep quiet I think. Some of these remarks are just part of conversation. Do encourage MIL to have her own interests when we are allowed out again. Family life e'h

Thinking back to my MIL, she told me that her son and I weren’t really married because we hadn’t been married in a Catholic Church and that her grandchildren were illegitimate!

That takes some beating! I just didn’t react.

You made me laugh Bibbity.

Just think, she's brought up a family - a mother is a mother for life, she just sees your family as an extension of hers and her work is not finished!
Can you suggest some hobbies for her so she is not so intense?
Otherwise ignore her comments, they are not meant to hurt you, but in her way to help you

Reply in the moment, it doesn’t have to be a big thing - but currently your MIL doesn’t actually know there is an issue and as a result nothing will change.
So the example you’ve given - DD needs a haircut, I’d give a wee laugh to lighten the mood and say something to the effect of “I’m her mum, I’m sure between DD and I we can manage her hair”
And reply each and every time she oversteps.
If you don’t verbalise yourself feelings I worry it’ll turn to resentment (I’ve been there myself and it ended awfully).
It doesn’t need to be confrontational in any way, I think by making yourself heard in the moment you may feel better about the whole situation rather than bottling up your feelings.
In my situation I stayed quiet for years and eventually everything my MIL said was like nails on a chalkboard - I likened it to death by 1000 papercuts. I often wonder if I’d spoken up sooner if maybe our relationship wouldn’t have been so awful.

It's difficult isn't it? My DIL tells me often that I'm a guest (& therefore not expected to do any work when I'm there) but I find this really difficult, as I hate just sitting there while she's rushing around (& I've read enough comments on Mumsnet about MILs 'expecting to be waited on hand and foot' to make me feel thoroughly uncomfortable) so I offer to cook, or wash up as often as I can.
I also feel that my DS - and by extension DIL - are part of my family, so them telling me that I'm a guest makes me sad (but I suppose that's my problem, not theirs..)
I do try never to comment on anything they do unless it's in a positive manner - and only give an opinion on anything if I'm specifically asked. Then I keep my fingers firmly crossed..!!!

Yes - I was thinking the same - does she have enough going on in her own life? How about joining U3A or some similar group? She probably needs to get out more - if she can of course. She really shouldn’t be making you feel as you do - you sound very caring and tolerant. However as we get older our horizons shrink a bit - maybe she just doesn’t realise that she is becoming more dependent on her son. He must try to deal with this sensitively if possible. However Maw’s suggestion of smiling and doing what you were going to do anyway is probably the best advice. You hold all the cards after all.