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Can you advise someone whose adult child has cut of every member of their and husbands family.

(21 Posts)
Sparkling Sun 06-Dec-20 16:10:50

Have you ever heard of someone who will have nothing to do with her family and that of her partners. She has the most fantastic life style. Not a young girl but a mature woman, her friends she says, are her chosen family, how does anyone cope when their daughter does that.

agnurse Sun 06-Dec-20 16:34:42

You accept that your daughter is an adult and that she has her own life.

Really, that's all you can do.

cornishpatsy Sun 06-Dec-20 16:38:22

I suppose as you choose your friends they are the people you like and want to spend time with. Just because you are related it does not follow that you like those you are related to.

It must be devastating when a family member that you love prefers their friends.

Lucretzia Sun 06-Dec-20 16:38:26

I suppose she has her reasons.

Very difficult to advise.

Agree with agnurse

Not much you can do about it really

I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this

Urmstongran Sun 06-Dec-20 17:21:22

Hope her friends stay friendly.
Blood’s thicker than water. Often relatives accept you warts and all. Friends not so much - more effort is required.

Actually I suppose that’s no bad thing.
More effort with everybody seems the best way!

Esspee Sun 06-Dec-20 19:06:40

You will need to put her out of your mind for your own mental health.

I hope in time she mellows for both your sakes.

OceanMama Sun 06-Dec-20 21:04:56

I suspect you cope with it the same way you cope with any other estrangement. Of course it hurts and you need to learn to accept what it is and live your own life for yourself in the best way you can. Hopefully she won't regret her choices later in life. Friends aren't always forever the way family is.

Hithere Sun 06-Dec-20 21:32:43

She is an adult and she made her choice.

Not much you can do

Urmstongran Sun 06-Dec-20 21:56:08

All the same Sparkling you must be feeling very upset about it all. 💐 for you. Whatever the reasons you will be hurt. x

maddyone Sun 06-Dec-20 22:04:43

My sister did it. Mental health reasons. She had a lot of treatment, improved, but now years later, is almost back at square one. She’s under treatment, but nothing has changed. Her adult children are desperately hurt. She only got treatment in the first place because she went out with the intention to kill her MiL. So long as she doesn’t try anything like that again, I don’t suppose she’ll get any better treatment than the medication.

paddyanne Sun 06-Dec-20 22:08:26

Is she socially climbing? I have a friend who has reinvented his whole life so he cant risk anyone he knows meeting his family.That way they would find out he didn't come from a huge country mansion or join the SAS or win multiple awards .
Its very sad ,but he seems happy with it.Even changed his date of birth and birthday .I'm always urprised when it pops up on FB 6 months early and that he's 8 years younger than me instead of the 14 months he was originally .

TrendyNannie6 Sun 06-Dec-20 22:10:31

I do feel for you Sparkling, I would feel devastated it can’t be nice for you, she’s obviously got her reasons for doing this, and I don’t think there’s anything you can do, sending love

EilaRose Sun 06-Dec-20 22:42:06

Sparkling, I feel for you and have gone through the same for many years with no end in sight. I used to live in hope that DD might return but was told by her FIL that she told new friends when she moved to that area, that I died some years before, so unless I 'return from the dead' I can't see anything much as I would love to see her again.

It was her birthday three weeks ago which is really difficult as without an address I can't even send a card. When she first went MIA I placed a Happy Birthday notice in the newspaper in the area where I was told she was living...apparently that went down like a lead balloon because I was supposed to be dead. Unfortunately nobody told me at the time so the ad was placed with love and the best of intentions.

Difficult as it is, you have to live your best life without them otherwise the grief just eats you up....I've been there and it's not nice.


Spinnaker Sun 06-Dec-20 23:48:10

Sparkling flowers for you
EilaRose your story is so very sad it brought a tear to my eye - for you flowers

Astral Mon 07-Dec-20 00:00:04

I think that sometimes in life paths go along together and sometimes they diverge. Maybe they will come together again and maybe they won't.

If you have done what you can and been unable to keep your relationship going in the right direction then your daughter has chosen her path, now you must choose yours.

Sparkling Mon 07-Dec-20 04:03:04

Thank you, all of you, for responding. I know one has to move on but that love you have for them never goes, even if you see the people they hurt and hurt you and you can't understand it, whatever they do they are always in your heart.
EilaRose, I feel your pain, I do hope you have others in your life that you love and love you. 💐

maddyone Mon 07-Dec-20 12:10:42

No, you never lose your love for your adult child whatever they do. With my sister I grieved as if she had died, but eventually felt better. I’m not sure about that with an adult child. But do bear in mind that she could just possibly be ill, and may return to you.

Toadinthehole Mon 07-Dec-20 12:59:45

As long as you have tried reasoning/ talking etc. I don’t see what else you can do for now. Remember, all things in life tend to be phases, and this one isn’t enjoyable. Hopefully, it’ll change. Does this daughter have children? If not, that could be the main issue. She wants to do her thing before she does. I always made sure I enjoyed everything I could when my children were little, because once grown, there are no guarantees. I do hope it works out for you.💐

Smileless2012 Mon 07-Dec-20 13:29:12

Sparklingflowers as maddyone has posted "you never lose your love for your adult child whatever they do". There is no closure and no way to grieve for someone still living.

I'm so sorry EilaRose. I've come across some very sad stories regarding estrangement since ours began 8 years ago, and yours is one of the saddestflowers.

DiscoDancer1975 Mon 07-Dec-20 14:27:09

EilaRose, 💐

Sparkling Tue 08-Dec-20 07:20:55

Thank you all, I do get on with life. However Agnurse, I presume you don't have a child, because you would know just because they grow up and become an adult doesn't make you love them less. It never goes. They can go to the other ends of the earth and live their own lives, thats their decision, but you have their love and they yours and some form of communication, however minimal. We as parents want them to live their lives and be happy, we cannot however throw a switch and say, job done and not mind if we are put aside.