Do you give up with a friend who doesn’t contact you first?

Newatthis

I have had a friend for 41 years and during this period of time it has always been me who has made contact. She doesn't live near so I have always extended an open invitation for her to stay. I too have stayed at her house. I have helped and supported her through numerous bad and abusive relationships and divorces. Never has it been reciprocated. She didn't even make contact when my mother died. Recently I have not made contact just to see if she would ring up to see why but no - so I've now seen sense nad given up.

Happened to me in the same way. I gave up on it pre Covid. I had a message from her recently to say she missed me! I had to laugh. She’d never bothered for 30 years.
People are strange though. I moved house post divorce as my neighbours just didn’t speak to me - even if I smile and said hello - and I was very lonely. The day I was due to move out my next door neighbour called round in tears saying she didn’t know how she’d manage without me being there and was going to miss me so much. I was astonished.
As they say in Yorkshire there’s nowt so queer as folks. ?

My ‘best friend’ of 26 years used to be like that. We lived 2 mins away from each other and she never EVER came round/popped in or called me first for a chat/how are you? Not unless she wanted something.

I kept the friendship going for years even though we’d worked together for almost 10 years. I thought we were really good friends, and was always there for her 100% but never felt truly supported by her.

She moved 15 miles away, and sadly after a couple of years her husband passed away. Again, I supported her as much as I could, but rarely she messaged me - again only when she needed help with something.

I sent her a text in 2017, and didn’t hear anything for over a YEAR. I’d decided to see how long it took to reply. She called me once and I genuinely missed the call, but no message was left.

That was in 2018... never heard anything since. To be honest... I don’t miss her. There was always a drama wherever she went, and I decided to opt for a quieter life away from it all.

Sometimes you need to get rid of toxic or dramatic people in your life for your own sanity. My life feels much more relaxed now.

I have a close friend that hasn't bothered contacting me through lockdown. I message her, send jokes, etc but don't get anything back. I decided 3 weeks ago that I would stop and see if she reaches out to me and so far nothing. She knows I'm on my own and can get lonely, but she still doesn't bother. Can't be bothered with a one way friendship at all, so thats that, I'm done.

I have now decided I will no longer contact someone I had been friends with for 25 years
We used to meet at each other's homes every 2/3 weeks but when her husband became unwell she decided she no longer wished to have visitors.

I have kept in touch but cannot remember the last time she phoned me.

My husband died 3 weeks and when I rang to tell her she said "Well I won't be able to send a card because the ones in the supermarket are not very nice" . True to her word she has not bothered to send a card or phoned me to ask how I was. So I feel that is no longer a friendship I wish to keep

When I had my first baby I didn't know anyone with a new baby (it was before I discovered clubs like the One o'clock Club etc. in place for new mothers) and I was really pleased when a girl I 'd once worked with called me and suggested we get together as she'd had a baby the month before and was feeling a bit isolated too. We saw each other every week and I thought we were really good friends. Then a couple of years later she stopped calling and when I called her she was evasive about meeting up. When I met her by chance one day I had the impression she could hardly be bothered to talk to me. I was really hurt as I had thought of her as a very good friend. But another friend pointed out that we had absolutely nothing in common exept the fact that we'd had a baby at the same time! We didn't socialise in the evenings as our husband's had nothing in common either, unlike my other friends'. I realised then that the friendship would have come to a natural halt soon anyway, she'd just realised it sooner.

I have a friend I have known since we were teenagers fifty years ago. She doesn’t have a mobile so I can’t text her.
When I email she always replies swiftly. I phone her regularly and she seems happy to chat but she never rings me.

Before this year, we would go for days out together. They were always at my suggestion and I drove and made any necessary bookings e g theatre trips, meals. We always have a good time when we are together and we have a lot of shared interests. I have invited her to my house for meals, and she spent Christmas here once but she never invites me back.

I know she has low self esteem and feels, as others here have said, , that she doesn’t want to be a nuisance and I must have better things to do than talk to her. However it can be very wearing having to constantly reassure her that I enjoy her company and our telephone conversations . I would be thrilled if she initiated a call or a day out ( when we are permitted to).

I am just posting this so that those of you who feel as she does can maybe see how frustrating it can be for your friends.

If I was always the one to make contact, yes I would sit back and see if they contacted me. If they didn't, I wouldn't either.

If they can't be bothered to stay in touch, then I let them go!
My husband and I had to declare ourselves bankrupt in 2012, after both of us had to take early retirement due to illness! Prior to that, we had a lovely home, a good income and our children wanted for nothing! Overnight - all gone!
We exist on a fraction of our former income these days, and we soon discovered exactly who our true friends were! The smug attitude of some was just too much for me to bear, so I dropped them! ??

I have had a friend for 41 years and during this period of time it has always been me who has made contact. She doesn't live near so I have always extended an open invitation for her to stay. I too have stayed at her house. I have helped and supported her through numerous bad and abusive relationships and divorces. Never has it been reciprocated. She didn't even make contact when my mother died. Recently I have not made contact just to see if she would ring up to see why but no - so I've now seen sense nad given up.

Atqui

I have a relatively new friend ( of 4 or 5 years) who lives on her own having been widowed 2 years ago.Before Covid we met for coffee or lunch regularly, and outside before lockdown.She is in a bubble with family so does have regular physical contact , but is still finding life difficult ( naturally). I hope I have been supportive in texting and sometimes ringing once a week to see if she is ok and she has always been happy to chat. However , it is always me that initiates this. Am I being annoying ? Should I just give up?

If everyone gave up on friends who did not contact first then NO ONE would ever talk to anyone.

I would leave it and see how long it would take , for her to contact you .

I ring friends regularly, some ring me, some don’t but they’re all people I care about and seem to appreciate the call. Occasionally they say oh I’m about to eat or whatever and they call back, in these times I think all contact is important. We still find something to talk about even though we’re not actually doing much.Enquiring about their family/pets/garden, chatting about the weather/news/sport there’s always something.

What is this, the 4th form at St Mary's where cliques rule and everyone's either a close friend or an enemy? She's someone you know. You chat - but even girlie chat needs SOME content, and there isn't much at the moment - and you help each other when requested. It's good to have lots of people like that in your circle. Why sabotage one?

Agree with Applegran. I also think a really key factor is that we are all different! It would feel a bit creepy if all friends dressed identically, had identical haircuts, hobbies and tastes in food! We'd be like something out of a dystopian sci-fi movie. Everyone has different circumstances, levels of confidence, family commitments, current mental health status etc. Who initiates contact need not be the key indicator of the quality of the friendship. Especially during lockdown, if we think a friend might benefit from a wee call and it's not doing us harm in any way, we should go ahead. It might mean the world to them. I'm not advocating always continuing with friendships that are totally one-sided or have withered over the years as this can be draining and unhealthy. Maybe after lockdown, we can review some friendships and let them wither if there's no longer any real friendship there. There might be the occasional person we choose to keep in touch with anyway just because they really need support -as long as we don't allow them to be totally dependent on us, for the sake of both parties. Many of us have children who are not great at keeping in touch but we don't doubt their love and have never had a fall out with them.

I think we should all be keeping in touch. Life’s too short to cut people off just because they don’t contact you. Hopefully later this year we can start meeting up again and it would be sad to lose friends that we had prior to lockdown.

Do what pleases you ie if you enjoy a chat with this person or feel you pleased to be helping them then carry on as before. If it’s a chore, drop them.

In slightly the same situation. My friend of 50+years was very unhappy that I had had the vaccine before her and her husband. We had a strange conversation about her views and I haven't heard from her since apart from a brief text to say that she would be busy when we would have had our usual call. That was over a week ago. I haven't phoned as I don't want another earache but I just hope she is ok. So any friendships seem strained during the difficult time.

I don’t think you are being childish, as one Gransnetter suggested: you are being sensitive. I like to email or chat to people in order to let them know someone cares about them, even if they aren’t 100% my cup of tea. If I get no response at all I feel miffed, and leave it a long time before I contact them again. I have given up on a few people as they have shown total lack of interest, and that’s their prerogative.

Madgran77

I think texting her to say "Fancy a chat?" is the best way. If she is struggling then motivating herself might be very hard. You initiating the contact gives an opening that might help her.

I think that this is a really good idea

I shouldn't give up on her just because you usually contact her first - she may simply be less sociable than you. I am more like her and have one friend who contacts me regularly - I always feel guilty that I haven't made more effort to contact her.

the friend may well be thinking that they are never contacted first also.
if a friend said to me '^the phone works both ways^ they would not be a friend anymore so should not trouble themselves to ring me!
Either ring a friend or don't!

Like so many other people she may be suffering from depression. This can make you very insular, so please don't give up on her.
Next time you either speak or text her, why not gently point out that you feel like you have been forgotten ? She may just not realise or maybe it has always been this way and you didn't realise?
Sadly, as well as divorces, I can see a lot of friendships falling apart because for a while our first priority has had to be ourselves.

Please keep up the contact.There have been times in my life when I desperately needed contact but felt so unsure of myself that in effect I thought 'I need to wait for someone to make contact with me - that shows that they actually want to talk to me. I would hate to make the first contact if they are busy, or don't really want to be in touch with me' When you are feeling OK this doesn't make much sense - but if you are feeling wobbly it is easy to think this way. You sound like a kind person and I am as sure as I can be that your contact means a lot to her.

If you enjoy this friend's company, please do not give up, just because you always are the one to ring or write first.

I had a dear school-friend who always found it nearly impossible to reply to a letter, unless she did so at once. If she left it for even a couple of days, she managed to persuade herself that the letter-writer didn't really want to be bothered with her.

It took time and patience to persuade her that I did enjoy her company, and did want to hear from her.

After leaving school, the friendship lapsed as we were no longer geographically close.

Fast forward to last March, when she suddenly phoned me needing to talk and we talked as if we never had lost contact with each other, So persevere. Your friend may be shy and have an inferiority complex too

Peasblossom had said it all for me! Keep going, at least for a little while longer - you really have nothing to lose.