I Feel Terrible

I read somewhere that if a child is having a tantrum you should whisper in their ear. They'll shut up so they can hear you!

My GD used to scream right in your face if she didn't get her own way. It made my son very unhappy. The first time she did it to me I screamed back at her. The look of shock on her face. She never did it to me again.

My dear SiL made the rule that Mama’s rules apply in my house, so I have been able to discipline my four GC, when needed. They have always loved coming to stay and the youngest keeps asking me when she can come?, so I must have been doing something right. My two words, when dealing with children are love and discipline. Your DD obviously overreacted and has played right into the hands of your screaming GD!

I remember losing my cool with my D and mentioned it to the GP when I was there about something else. She basically told me not to worry, children need to realise that adults have emotions as well and that life is not always idyllic. She reckoned a child brought up in an environment where everything is wonderful, is in for a major shock when they get out into the world. Whether she was right or wrong it certainly helped ease my feelings and my daughter eventually grew into a delightful adult! I’d also question if your little gd acts out like this at school? Does she realise where she can get away with it?

Your DD being so soft with her is 'enabling' her to get away with screaming. You know that and if she gives it more thought she'll realise it too.

With this new update, I can see another layer of the situation.

Apart from disciplining her, you told the father how to parent his child.

How would he or dd deal with this?

Thank you all for your very supporting messages, it's nice to know I'm not alone. Some asked how my daughter knew about the way I handled it, well when my daughter's ex partner came to pick them up, I told him, so he then said to the girl, 'oh darling' and put his arms around her. I told him that was not right as now she won't have learned anything. I'm certain he would have stirred things up as he is a terrible father. I'm going to just do things their way in future and also cut down on the childcare. Thanks again, I'm so glad there is a Gransnet to talk to. All the best to you.

PaperMonster

Your granddaughter wasn’t being naughty. She has big emotions and that’s just her way of dealing with them as she’s not mature enough to deal with them any other way. I find that encouraging them actually tends to stop it. When my own daughter used to have tantrums, I would encourage her to get those feelings out - and the tantrum would be short lived. If she’s upset now I encourage her to cry whereas tells her to be a good girl and stop crying- trying to deny her her own feelings. However, I wouldn’t worry about a one-off raising of your voice - you have feelings too!

Shes 5 and old enough to know that screaming isn't acceptable. I doubt that she does it at school, and if she can behave appropriately at school then she can behave appropriately out of school.

Not much new to add to other responses here but to reiterate or rephrase perhaps?... It sounds like your younger GD is spoilt - the evidence is that screaming is probably, usually successful (otherwise she wouldn't do it). And, you said your daughter said you were too hard!! seriously! You could apologise specifically for shouting but not for the enforced time out to calm down - just a shame you didn't have the stamina to sit it out to the end. Try again next time, she will only do that once with you. You can even say, in a calm voice, "I am not shouting because mummy doesn't like me to shout and I don't like shouting either, so I will just wait in the other room until you have finished." That way, you will also remove any idea she may have that she will get you into trouble with her mum when her mum comes to get her. Let your daughter get on with her own approach in her house - talk about making a rod for her own back. Children learn extremely quickly that they can and indeed need to behave differently for different people. I am a retired teacher, if I had taken nonsense from any individual child, my working life could have been absolute misery rather than the satisfying, interesting, enjoyable one that it was for me and my little charges.

I believe it's good for children to know that not every human is a clone of their mother. While their mother sets the example she wants to, of never screaming at them and being endlessly understanding (uh if we can believe this), it is useful for them to know that there are other people who are not so patient and will react differently to their behaviour. If she was at all traumatised by the yelling, then it can soon be undone by a hug from her mother and a few days of being allowed to scream all she likes. Personally I'd be glad to be spared having to look after her ;)

Don't feel terrible. I'm sorry but kids need to learn and not be pussy footed around and I think you did right. You were kindly looking after them and it was then up to you how to manage the situation. I worked at the tills in a shop where they always have the sweets, it was a stupid place to have them. The amount of kids that rolled around the floor and screamed blue murder if they were told they couldn't have any sweets was ridiculous.My mum would of only had to give me a look years ago even if I just asked for some and that was enough for me to be quiet. You knew better that to make a show or you were for it.

Wonder why she gets her own way.. oh cos she screams for it. And they no doubt give in. Kids are so manipulative. I wouldnt worry too much, you havent done anything wrong.
When I had just had a baby - I had literally got home from the hospital. I had two sons, aged 4 and 2 also. My mother came around with my niece who she was looking after - also 2. The kids were playing upstairs, runing around and being loud, which didnt bother me. I simply called out to them.. "Quiet.. you'll wake the baby" My sons as young as they were apologised and didnt think anything of it.
But my niece came running down the stairs and out into the street, runing off. We eventually got her back and my mum took her home.
Later that night my brother called me and said I was out of order for shouting at her (at no time did i raise my voice by the way) and he didnt speak to me for 2 years because of it. 2 YEARS!
Needless to say, it was always my niece who misbehaved and cried and shouted to get her own way, with my three just looking on in disgust. My three got told off with a raised voice on occasion.
You are a hero for helping your daughter out so much - she wants to think herself lucky and stop allowing a 5 years old to call the shots!

Such sensible advice from everyone. I have 6 grandchildren - my house- my rules- yes I have shouted at them - yes I have been very firm but they know that I adore them. Once I had thoroughly spoilt screaming from one of them - so I did what the mum in that TV advert did and screamed and banged the table too - he was shocked into silence. Then we talked about it and I’ve never had that behaviour again. I am sure that this will be frowned upon by many but it worked for me. We are all human - none of us is perfect - we have to find a way through. I used to be a headmistress - I am used to wayward behaviour but I will not have anti social antics in my house. I think your daughter needs to think carefully about her own management of her children. By the way - he still loves me!! ?? we still have a good laugh.

So does your daughter think that the younger one should have been allowed to keep taking the older one's toys off her and not be reprimanded?
What would that teach either of them?
The older one that her place is to be a doormat.
The younger one that it's ok to be a bully.
That approach is wrong on every level.
beautybumble you have done absolutely nothing wrong.
Your daughter needs to have a long hard look at herself and what sort of future she wants for both daughters.

Who told your daughter? You or the child?

If you, why? Don't feel guilty. You were dealing with something difficult and lost your rag a tiny bit. Kids need to know that this is what happens when their behaviour annoys people.

If the child, then your daughter, knowing that her daughter is a screamer, should just have been glad it wasn't her, for once, who had to deal with it.

I think your DD was just too quick to jump ! She is like one of the other ladies said cutting of her nose to spite her face. Just give yourself a break too . Your daughter will soon miss your present and help ! Don’t blame yourself !

Before Covid 19 I used to look after my GD quite often. My daughter and I agreed that I was to discipline her according to her behavior. (I have 7 children AC of my own) She has been shouted at on a couple of occasions but doesn't seem to have come to any harm over it.
When she told my DD what I had done my DD said 'Well you must have done something to deserve it - Listen to nana next time and she wont need to shout at you'.

@Beautybumble I think you're a saint! Your daughter is the loser in all this. The screaming from a 5 year old "because she doesn't get her own way" is unacceptable and needed nipping in the bud - your daughter should be thanking you not telling you your services are no longer needed - appalling daughter behaviour too!

They do grow out of it, dont worry. My eldest granddaughter was a screamer,really bad. I remember one day looking after her while her mother went to the doctors. And she screamed the place down because she couldnt go with her. I tried everything to pacify her with sweets, biscuits, nothing worked. Eventually we just ignored her. Her mother came back shortly after and my GD said why have you come backso soon I was just going to do a puzzle with grandad. She is now 16 and I reminded her of this recently, She looked at me in amazement and said that wasnt me you're confusing me with someone else!!

My daughter threw a few screaming tantrums, lay on the floor and kicked her heels. One day in Sainsbury’s I’d had enough, so I lay on the floor next to her and did the same. She stopped, mid scream, and never did it again. Goodness knows what the other shoppers thought!

Please don't feel bad. You only raised your voice to get heard over a naughty little girl. I'm sure your daughter feels sorry for her own reaction. It's ridiculous and the GDs will miss seeing you. Please don't be sad ?

Maybe if your daughter has nipped this screaming behavior in the bud , you wouldn't be in this situation . She only screams because she knows she will get her own way . As for your daughter saying you are no longer needed , how rude . I don't see anyone else putting up with the child keep screaming . I'm afraid your daughter has made a rod for own back and yet again the child has gotten what she wanted .

My mother would have said the child is spoilt, and screams to get her own way. Children need to learn what is acceptable, and I think your daughter needs to recognise this. If she wants you to look after the children she needs to teach them certain things will not be tolerated.
Leave it with your daughter now, and if she comes back to you I think you need to be honest and say your granddaughter's behaviour is intolerable.
Your reaction was understandable.

My eldest granddaughter, now a lovely young lady, could be obnoxious, once when she was staying with us, she was particularly naughty, I don’t think I shouted, but I was very cross, and an outing we had planned got postponed to the next day, when she had calmed down.
My daughter emailed me and said the child was very upset, and perhaps I should consider apologising,
If didn’t happen!
By the way, we have lovely relationship, no harm done.

Oh what a fuss over nothing. I expect your daughter is projecting her own feelings of guilt onto you. We're not supposed to smack these days, so what else can we do. My son loses his temper very quickly with his dc, even though he adores them.