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I Feel Terrible

(178 Posts)
beautybumble Wed 10-Feb-21 19:40:36

My 5 year old GD is a screamer. I adore her of course and have some wonderful times with her. But she screams blue murder if she can't get her own way. My DD is beside herself with worry about it as bedtimes can be horrendous. So yesterday, I was looking after her and her 7 year old sister and she kept taking her sister's toys off of her. Normal behaviour I know, but when I tried to explain that she mustn,t do that, she started, big time. I usually manage to calm her down, but not this time. So I made her sit on the stairs and told her she could come back when she's calm again. Well this went on far too long and I'm sorry to say I shouted at her. I shouldn't have. Now my daughter is very unhappy about how I was too hard on her. I've looked after grandchildren a lot for the last 10 years and was always good with them and they were usually good too. But now I feel so bad as I'm told I won't be needed anymore.

Oopsadaisy1 Wed 10-Feb-21 19:50:18

Poor you, hopefully a raised voice won’t do her any harm and maybe it has prevented her doing it again.
I’m assuming it was voice raised rather than a screaming match?
I can only sympathise and if you still want to look after her when she is so difficult then hopefully your daughter will relent.
It might be good for you to have a break though if she is really difficult to handle.

Sara1954 Wed 10-Feb-21 19:51:22

It’s easy for her to criticise, but she wasn’t there. When I started looking after my granddaughter, followed by her siblings, I told my daughter I had to feel I could discipline them if necessary.
I don’t like telling them off, they’re good children, and it’s not very often necessary, but I have shouted at them, and I know my daughter would never criticise me, she knows I love them to bits, and, if I tell them off, there must have been good reason.

Sara1954 Wed 10-Feb-21 19:56:00

I think your daughter is cutting off her nose to spite her face, I bet you cuddled her afterwards, and she’s probably forgotten all about it.

Septimia Wed 10-Feb-21 19:56:06

You never know, that might have been just the shock she needed !

I can understand both your frustration with her and you feeling bad about it.

In due course, no doubt, she will realise that you love her even though you got so cross. I hope you'll get the chance to show her that.

rafichagran Wed 10-Feb-21 19:56:44

Your Grandaughter was behaving badly, so what you shouted, you are human.
I would not tolerate that behaviour and if my daughter told me that I would not be needed anymore because of my actions when I was looking after them so be it, she would be the loser.
If my Grandson behaved badly when I collected him from School pre covid, there was no visit to the cake shop, and the threat of no screen time, and yes I did shout sometimes.
Your daughter needs to get a grip because whatever she is doing is not working and her behaviour is leading to disrespect to other people.

NellG Wed 10-Feb-21 20:00:20

Everyone has a 'moment' when we don't behave or act as we normally would - that's all that happened with you. I defy and parent or grandparent doing childcare to say they haven't slipped up at least once! So please try not to feel guilty.

I'm assuming you've apologised to your daughter, if so maybe just stand back for a while and let her 'come down' and process how she feels. I suspect she's might have had this extreme reaction because she's projecting a bit of shame onto you. As she is 'beside herself' over the screaming I doubt she's been an angel with it. Easier to put it all onto you than own her own difficult feelings - for now...

I hope it sorts itself out and you can go back to spending time with your GC - maybe after having agreed what's OK and not OK with your daughter.

Best wishes, it's never easy or pleasant to fall out with an adult child. x

Hithere Wed 10-Feb-21 20:08:57


Did your dd advise you how to deal with this? Any instructions?

PaperMonster Wed 10-Feb-21 21:06:17

Your granddaughter wasn’t being naughty. She has big emotions and that’s just her way of dealing with them as she’s not mature enough to deal with them any other way. I find that encouraging them actually tends to stop it. When my own daughter used to have tantrums, I would encourage her to get those feelings out - and the tantrum would be short lived. If she’s upset now I encourage her to cry whereas tells her to be a good girl and stop crying- trying to deny her her own feelings. However, I wouldn’t worry about a one-off raising of your voice - you have feelings too!

sodapop Wed 10-Feb-21 21:28:47

For goodness sake beautybumble you are only human, we have all done something like that when children/grandchildren have behaved so badly. Don't stress about it.
Maybe your daughter should look at some strategies for dealing with the child's behaviour and you can work together on this.

cornishpatsy Wed 10-Feb-21 21:36:55

I am certain your daughter has shouted at some time. If too much is made of this it will have an impact on your granddaughters behaviour, she will be able to use it to her advantage.

Nothing terrible has happened here, behave as though it is no big deal and your daughter should see it as that too, especially as she will know that she has done the same unless of course she is a saint.

MissAdventure Wed 10-Feb-21 21:45:47

Your daughter ought to be a fly on the wall here sometimes.
Screaming is unbearable to listen to; that's what it's for, and that's why it's difficult to deal with constantly.

Shinamae Wed 10-Feb-21 21:51:01

And there is this......

MissAdventure Wed 10-Feb-21 21:58:40

Or this?

sodapop Thu 11-Feb-21 09:12:34

MissA grin

eazybee Thu 11-Feb-21 09:42:13

My 5 year old GD is a screamer.... she screams blue murder if she can't get her own way. My DD is beside herself with worry about it as bedtimes can be horrendous.
Well this went on far too long and I'm sorry to say I shouted at her. I shouldn't have. Now my daughter is very unhappy about how I was too hard on her

The above explains why this child screams to get her own way.
I think you were remarkably restrained.
Bet she doesn't scream at school.

Redhead56 Thu 11-Feb-21 10:02:33

I am called naughty nanny because I am firm and direct and don't need to shout. The granddaughters run rings around their parents and other nanny but not me. They are just as I was feisty little redheads who need to be told in a few words no behave!
They look at me and say "ok nanny" they are little mischiefs my son and DIL find it difficult telling them off. But you have to as they need to learn they can't always get their own way.
Your daughter has took it the wrong way it's her problem not yours let her chill without your help for a while. She probably needs a good telling off too. You don't need to pussy foot around her she will soon realise she can't do without your help. Yes I agree I bet they don't scream at school.

Lin663 Thu 11-Feb-21 10:04:17

I see nothing wrong with shouting at her if all else fails. Your daughter is being unreasonable. Just ignore her..she will be back

Dottygran59 Thu 11-Feb-21 10:06:29

Oh my goodness me - show me a grandparent who hasn't shouted at a GC in their care? I'm at a loss TBH - speechless - how did your DD find out about it? Did you tell her, the GD? Please don't feel guilty - and absolutely ask your DD how she would like you to deal with it, as clearly her way isn't working..............

ctussaud Thu 11-Feb-21 10:07:10

My mother used to put any screaming toddler on the other side of a door, and close it. “That means they’re only annoying themselves”. Works a treat.

icanhandthemback Thu 11-Feb-21 10:07:27

beautybumble, how dare you be human!

Give your daughter time to calm down. Just apologise because shouting wasn't the way to go but don't be goaded into telling your daughter that she is probably the one making a rod for her own back. Firm, calm discipline is always best but I bet your daughter sometimes loses it when she is not at her best. She is just feeling like a mother lion at the moment.

Incidentally, just out of interest, who told her you had shouted? My daughter would accuse me of shouting all the time even when I hadn't because she knew she was beaten by logic! If my mother had been accused of shouting, I wouldn't have been entirely sure it wasn't hyperbole on my daughter's part!

Tonucha Thu 11-Feb-21 10:08:35

What is the problem with raising your voice if she is raising her voice at you? two warnings that it is unacceptable behaviour, on the third you tell her who's boss.
I have a one year old GD, who is likely to become a bossy boots. Fortunately her mother is not going to take any rubbish from her, and has explicitly told me that I should not tolerate any bad behaviour.
Children need to learn boundaries, otherwise we will end up with a generation of hooligans.

red1 Thu 11-Feb-21 10:11:16

My grandchildren live a long distance away, i miss them terribly and i used to savour every moment when i saw them.I visited them over xmas and suddenly realised they can be screaming little brats a lot of the time! You are human and we all have different abilities to cope with them.I nearly shouted at them this visit, but i bit my lip! Your daughter i feel is being unreasonable, i wonder if she ever shouts at them?

grandtanteJE65 Thu 11-Feb-21 10:11:25

This is a generation gap thing.

Very few Grandmas will tell you you were unreasonable.
I would have been smacked long before I was five, if I had carried on like that, and my mother would have felt horribly guilty about that.

Your daughter, however, objects to your raising your voice to make yourself heard and to stop the dear child from literally screaming herself blue in the face.

You sadly cannot make your daughter see your point of view. All you can do is apologise, then leave it at that.

To my mind, your daughter is making a right pig's breakfast bringing up her child, but that is her business and not yours or mine.

Probably your daughter is taking it out on you because she is at her wits' end - if she neither raises her voice or uses the naughty step, she has precious little chance of getting her little madam to behave.

Have a rest from looking after the children. I am willing to bet your DD will be back as soon as she needs you.

Coconut Thu 11-Feb-21 10:15:59

Every child is different and what works for one may not work for another. One of my sons was a screamer and a nurse told me “ he’ll soon learn that it’s not socially acceptable” 🤣. So when he started screaming in the middle of a supermarket I used to say in a very quiet calm voice “it’s not socially acceptable to scream” he did sometimes stop, just to hear what I was whispering ! Another time I asked him to scream a bit louder as the people in the next road couldn’t hear him 🤣 that stopped him in his tracks too .... but he did soon grow out of it.