Feeling lost, young Gran, empty nest & lonely.

Been there and I would say enjoy and plan for the next stage of your life. This time will change again. I was a young gran in my forties with children living away from home. Then life turned things upside down and a daughter and two grandchildren needed a home with us for a while and before I knew it I was back helping my daughter raise them. Hopefully that won't be your story but you never know in life what may occur. Currently helping out my granddaughter with my my baby great granddaughter who has been with us during lock down.

You should have put an emoji onto the end of your post I think BUNNYL ?

BUNNYL

How unkind

I feel your pain and I fully understand. When my youngest went off to uni in 2010 I knew he would never be back home, long term. He now lives and works away. It is so hard and I’m sorry I don’t have an answer as I have gone through this for years. Sending you love and hugs.

I live completely alone, don't see any of my 3 children and rattling around in a house too. I miss the sound of children so have gone back to work on an ad hoc basis in Child Protection. I've also opened my house up as an Air bnb as I'm incredibly lonely. I talk to my middle daughter & son weekly.
Mother's day again and not a single card, yes they know it hurts but too busy with their own lives to care.. Sad really as I did not raise them to be like this

alltheglitterglue your second post sounded much more positive. You appear to know exactly what to do, its just that Covid the lockdown and the empty nesting has knocked you back a bit. At the end of the day there is that realisation that we arent needed in the same way that we might have been when the grand kids were younger and our children were more dependent. Those of us who live hundreds of miles away from our families have had to come to terms with this but it is never easy . We accept that we owe it to ourselves to develop other friends and other interests so that we arent dependent on our families and expecting them to always bear us in mind. They have their own lives to lead and we owe it to ourselves to develop our work lives and interests , voluntary work etc. I have to admit i found it hardest when i retired and had more time on my hands to think about it- i would love to be nearer to them all and more involved in their lives but its not to be. So i just get on, life is too short and is there to be enjoyed. good luck.
PS what was that note from Bunny1 - weird!!

Join girl guiding they are always looking for volunteers. When I worked in a housing office under considerable stress my evening helping with Brownies was a life saver. Try it out you’ll love it and you will get so much out of it.

I wonder if you would consider volunteering to work with young children. My DD volunteered at Sure Star but I am sure their are other places. I too was a young empty nester so I can empathise. I have 8 grandchildren but as they are getting older they have less need of me. I used to love having them to stay during school holidays so my empty nest has only kicked in this year.

We downsized to a seaside resort and apart from the covid restrictions have never felt lonely.

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alltheglitterglue, I know how you feel but the feeling will pass and you will get used to the new norm. When this awful lockdown lifts, some family life will be much easier. I have really missed my children and theirs. This was the first time in 36 years I was without a child at home. It was supposed to be last year but my son came home for lockdown just in time for Mother's Day. I have been dreading it for the last week but this morning a bunch of roses were delivered so, although I would rather he was home, it was very touching and it lifted my spirits. Of course, once he has his own children, his wife will be the focus of attention so I must hang on to this moment for as long as possible.
Like you, a good relationship with my husband makes this empty nest a great deal easier. We are planning to downsize so we look at properties online - it mainly makes us appreciate the house we've got! - and plan for the travelling we intend to do eventually. Looking forward to these things makes life much easier to bear when I have these pangs and I know that I am very lucky. I might not have my children here but I know they love me and will call me when they need me.

weird as it sounds I think it is right that you face the grief of the loss...because it is that. We all have our own tales...I was older when my youngest left...but my partner left too! took years to get over it. I remember coming home one evening to this large dark empty house and running round the block in tears...what was so normal had gone for ever phew so understand your necessary grief. it will pass.

I think we’re all getting to the end of our tethers. It’s been so long now. You’re very lucky to have Uni friends. I never went due to family issues and it’s a regret for me as I see others who have lifelong friends from that time. Your DH sounds like a great support too. Hang in there. ?

Don’t downsize yet, they will all be back bringing friends and Grandchildren with them.
Every school holiday and some weekends.
Until the lockdown last year our bedrooms were in constant use and always full of ACs and GCs ‘stuff’.
We’ve not seen them for a year now, but they all have plans to come back to Nanny and Grandads and reclaim ‘their ‘ rooms and make sure that all of their bits and pieces are still here, where they left them ( everything is packed away, but I took photos of where the things were, so that I can put them all back in their rightful place) I don’t want to live here forever either, but that’s another story.....

In effect, the DCs have done our decluttering for us! Although we have put beds in some rooms and repurposed the two smaller rooms as a study each for us both when we are wfh.

When we move we be looking for fewer bedrooms and more reception rooms. So we don’t really need to declutter any more than we have!

I’ve changed my job, I’m happy that I work on contracts now though I’m still a manager so I can’t make friends that way. Polarbear2 I absolutely recognise your ‘being the enemy’. I’m a kind manager! I make a point of knowing everyone who works for me and, in particular, I meet with them and focus on their CPD.

Of course, I would be revisiting my previous hobbies and taking up more but now is not the time for that.

DH has had his first vaccination but I will be way down the list for now, which is as it should be. So it will be some time before I can be out and about again.

DH and I get on very well and, let’s face it, we’ve got plenty of space to get away from each other when we need to. We have rediscovered our intimacy. We go for a walk every day. Now it is feeling like Groundhog Day!

We see all of the DCs on Zoom, the Grandchildren tend to dash off mid conversation when we are on a call, but it’s still lovely to see them. I save my tears for afterwards, somehow the Zoom calls emphasise the distance.

My Uni friends are very good at keeping in touch, especially as we’ve been staying in touch in the same way for decades. Though we used to meet up 3 or 4 times a year.

Generally I have coped well with Covid, lockdown and all of it, it’s suddenly hit me now. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s just that it’s been going on for so long now.

Loads of good advice above. There’s one small bit of what you said that really interested me tho. “As a manager I had no work friends”. That is SO true. It’s my experience too. I worked with lots of people but as I was the manager I wasn’t included in work friendships. I remember going on a social event and some woman said ‘oh I didn’t realise the enemy were here’. I was devastated as my only wish in life was to make their lives easier. Anyhow sorry. It’s not why you wrote your post. I just felt the need to recognise that bit. I agree with Fleur20 to start planning your future. Declutter etc. It’ll pass the time until we’re free to meet again. Which won’t be long ?

I am 72 and volunteer for the local library and Meals on Wheels. Not everything has shut down. There will be organisations near you where your youth and abilities would be very welcome. Good luck!

That sounds very good advice from Fleur20
My daughter and her 4 month old son emigrated to Australia 12 years ago. My son was away at University at the time. He also emigrated a couple of years later and empty nest syndrome hit me really hard as you can imagine. There was no hope at that distance of them visiting often to ease the sadness. It does gradually hurt less over time and I too am thinking that I should take up Fleur’s advice more than I have.

You are not alone. Nothing prepares us for life not being what we thought it would be.
We are all at the end of a year in which we terrified of what isolation would mean.
I live alone and I've been shielding.
Now everyone is frightened at the prospect of the world opening up again and that means having to make decisions.
It doesn't matter how far away people are, we are not seeing each other. My sister lives a short walk away and I have barely seen her or her family for months.
We are all feeling a little lost.
Once lockdown ends I intend to be more active in my local community and hopefully meet some new people.
It seems far way but it isn't really.
The light at the end gets bigger every day.

Be pro-active... you are planning to downsize as and when you can.. you have 6 bedrooms...start the de-clutter.. plan together the when , the where, the how of your move.. the NEXT chapter of your lives together... as things open up again.. have plans in place, visits, picnics for two(!).. there is so much adventure lying in wait for you BOTH.. the important thing is to be on the same page and be ready to grab life by the horns as soon as you get the chance... The children, large and small, will be back and forth and will be inspired by your positivity. Set a good example as I am sure you have done in the past!
Good Luck!

You have my sympathy, glitterglue, as I know what a hole is left when children move out. My three have boomeranged over the last 15 years and for much of that time I rarely knew how much food to buy, not knowing how many I'd have in the house at any one time.
I rode out the initial empty nest feelings by looking after grandchildren but now they are at school I'm not needed and my youngest DS finally moved into a place of his own in July. Lockdown has made the matter worse of course because it's so difficult to take up a new interest at the moment. nut hopefully it won't be long before clubs and classes start opening up again.
Not sure if the lost feeling ever really goes away though, or whether you just get used to it.
One thing I have taken up in lockdown is Gransnet. So now I always have something to talk to my DH about - its not quite the same as having chats with friends on nights out and then discussing what they have said when you get home but it comes a close second.
I hope you start to feel better soon.

I do feel bad for you. Covid isolation has made this year terrible for everyone, and exacerbated normal situations. I remember missing the kids, but then when they all came home for Christmas we found we had been used to the quiet while they were away.

In normal circumstances the answer would be to join clubs or activities, but of course we can't this year. My only advise is to make technology your friend. Book facetime or skype get-togethers with your granchildren or children so you have something to look forward to. I would rather talk to mine individually than all together; i find better quality visits that way. Same goes for your friends and siblings.

This can also be a great opportunity to get closer with your DH and enjoy time together; perhaps you need to look for something you can do together. Go for a walk, play a game of cards, challenge him to a game of chess, etc. Rekindle the flame... you have the place to yourself!

Soon we will be able to get together with people, even if it is just outside.