Why do Grandparents not bother with Grandson

Nannan2 we had the same situation with MIL only the only present she bought our son one Christmas was a plastic boat from a charity shop with scratch marks underneath while she proudly showed us a huge pile of presents for the other grandchild of her other favourite son. She continued in this vein throughout our sons life and when I mentioned her the other day our son, rather sadly, said that ship has sailed.

My own GC,(i have older AC too) i have a good relationship with myself- both sons& daughters kids- and in normal times often they'd take turns to come on holidays, or come to stay, or we visit as much as possible (most of them live hour&half away) so we've found it hard this last year .(me AND them) I'm pleased to say I'm ALL my GC's favourite G.P, that's because I've always been there, done things with them..We've made memories.Their parents did that with my mum too.Sadly she died before my two youngest were born.But i and their older siblings talk of her a lot, and share their memories with them, and with their own kids.?Maybe if your husband speaks to his parents, after lockdown, when they feel safer, they too can make their own memories?

There are some grandparents for whom their grandchildren are show items. They display nice photos in their homes and make sure they are seen in pictures with them on Facebook etc. They don't get involved beyond the most superficial visits - just enough to show other people. Don't bother with their moans. Just keep in touch in a minimal way and keep on saying they are welcome etc. I don't understand them either. They are the ones missing out.

KelseyLou - sounds like there's some jealousy here coming paternal grandparents about maternal grandparents. If it was last year when the comment was made that they didn't like seeing your son with his maternal grandparents that says it all - jealousy. When people are jealous they often remove themselves from the arena because they think they have to compete. You need a full and frank conversation with them and your husband but please get all your facts straight first, detail all the texts you've sent inviting them to do things with you, and all their refusals - and ask the question of why they don't like seeing pictures of your parents with your son (I think this was one photograph from what you say and they said this once). You need to call them out on this - get it out into the open. The big problem is that if they are jealous of your parents, and they subsequently get to spend time with your son alone, they may fill his head with bad feeling about his other grandparents so you have to sort it out now. And if they have other grandchildren it might be useful to explore their involvement with them.

KelseyLou

The photo was of my parents with my son. A comment was made to my partner when he saw them last year on his own to drop of a present saying they don’t like seeing my son with my parents. Why should I not put a photo up of them?

Your partner's parents sound utterly unreasonable, self-absorbed and to be brutally honest, pretty toxic altogether. I don't think I'd WANT my son to have involvement with them in your place! Of course you should post as many photo's as you like of your parent's with your son: THEY are acting as normal, loving grandparents and it's on your partner's parents own heads that they're not part of your son's life. I wouldn't spare them another thought if I were you. If it bothers your partner, well he can jolly well deal with them - frankly I think you should be grateful for the lack of contact with such horrid people.

One of my sons (I'd remarried) his other grandparents never bothered about him, and his dad very rarely took him to see them, (my (then)hubby had a step-dad,so i understood HE might not feel involved much, but his own mother?) Final straw was when it was his birthday and she gave him a cheap toy from morrisons that she obviously got while shopping and they weren't poor either! Yet she was 'all over' her daughters kids& other sons 2... it doesn't bother my son that he now never sees them, nor his dad, who he now considers a waste of time...youngest sons grandparents, well, his nanna is too pushy and has always wanted 'more' than my sons prepared to give as he's a very 'recluse' aloof sort of person, (hes 18 soon) but she's always been like this- despite his dad& i divorcing.So luckily perhaps for my son he doesn't have to see her often.But she does give my other son money on his birthday, xmas etc, same as her own grandson, so not all bad.His grandad is ok, more laid back.My parents passed away years ago, so no other GP's. If your husbands parents 'dont like' to see photos of your son with his other GP's tell them they don't have to look at them then,its a choice.Or block them from seeing what's there. But maybe your hubby can be the one to keep him in touch with them, by ringing or video calling or whatever to let them speak to him?If they're interested??

I had lovely grandparents, and yet my mum was never much bothered with my kids. Their other gran (grandpas both died young) was much the same. However both grandmothers seem to have a lot more time for other grandchildren.
What's the point of this? I don't understand grandmothers. But I try to be a good gran because I understand the advantages for the child. (And she's gorgeous!)

I’ve invited them to go to the park with their Grandson..they refused.

Haven't we been in lockdown for a year? Maybe they don't want to take any risk. My stepfather has health anxiety and he wouldn't be taking any chances even after vaccination and lockdown easing. Communicating with a 3 year old on Zoom or phone is often a thankless process so maybe in makes them avoid that.
I'd let your husband intervene when lockdown is over and they are allowed contact.

It sounds to me with what you have written that they have the problem. It's an annoying problem too trying to please everyone when in fact you end up pleasing no one! Just offer the invites with your husband and leave it. Don't get upset with your husband it's not worth it. Some people sadly just enjoy moaning and they are often the very ones that complain no one ever visits them and it's not surprising either! Carry on the lovely relationship you have with your own parents and little lad. As long as they get invites then accept there is nothing else you can do. Good luck

Sorry but I think they sound very controlling, they don’t like your parents being with their grandson but don’t want much contact themselves, I don’t blame you for not wanting to talk to them about it people like this can feel intimidating.
If I were you I would get your husband to speak to them about it and remind them how quickly children grow and it will be to late as they won’t be able to turn back the clock.
At least he has one set of loving grandparents, don’t stop posting pics it’s their problem not yours, they will miss out but you have given them the choice

I couldn`t imagine not being in contact with my G/children.
My eldest one who is 13 txts me every now and then to say hi grandma,are you ok.
He`s the only one with a mobile atm.
And i agree with caro57., they also don`t know what they are missing out on.

Coronavirus lockdown is having a big negative impact on many grandparents relationships with grandchildren especially if there is distance involved and if grandparents don't feel the same about technology as means of replacement contact.
While your partner's parents may be in the rare group of GOs who do not wish to be overly involved with grand children's daily lives, I expect your partner's parents may be the type that would like pre arranged visits by you but would not ever make them themselves invited or when it's not allowed. It's difficult if a meet up in the park is not possible for them if they are shielding, or not what they would normally do, in normal times. I suspect they do like to hear your family news but maybe aren't overactive in reciprocal contact . Take your lead from your partner, in terms of managing the relationship, but don't give up. I do not know if the pictures you are posting of your son and his other grantdparents are disproptionate in number to your other photos, which they might feel hurt by. Why don't you post things like your son's drawings on line, or doing other activities, and pictures of him with his dad i.e their son. Include little messages to say the grandson is really looking forward to seeing all his grandparents very soon etc. Did they send a birthday and Christmas presents and cards? I'm sure they don't want to feel estranged from their son and his family, but are simply finding it difficult. We will be out of lockdown eventually.

Oh Pennykins, that’s hard, they are so out of order, I know how much it hurts. I have just always accepted how it is, always cheerful, you can’t make people want you but often worry there’s something a matter with me and I never want to be confrontational because I might hear what I don’t want to if that makes sense.

Some people just can't connect with under 5s or maybe as he is their son's son, they just don't feel that he "belongs" to them -strange I know, but some grandparents that I know only seem to be able to connect with their daughters children just simply because she was the one that gave birth to the so they are "theirs"
Hopefully as we are all opening up and more able to meet up with those outside our own household, they will feel better able to spend time with him.

Having two DIL I have always taken a very soft path with regard to invites, phoning etc. I have an excellent relationship with one, and a good one with the other. You have held out offers etc and they haven't accepted. Perhaos they don't like pictures of GS being on social media no matter who he is with. Other than husband pointing out the disappointment of their lack of involvement,not much you can do other than just what you have been doing - extending invites. One day they may accept.

I get the feeling there are some wires crossed here and as others have said a frank discussion is necessary.
I felt we were shut out of loop with my son's first child. We were never invited to their home but had to meet in a restaurant. We had to stay with my daughter to see them or a hotel.
Things have been different with their second and we have much more contact, albeit on Whatsapp, due to Covid. They say now they can't wait for us to go and stay.

If your husband and son can FaceTime them once a week when son is busy doing something so he has something to chat to his grandparents about that would keep them in touch and you can stay out of the loop. Don’t worry about the photo issue, just carry on with your life and let them join in with the delight of having a grandson when they are ready.

Hand it over to your DH to contact HIS parents - you have enough to do without taking the time out to be ignored by them

I would not break contact with them because we never know what is going on in peoples lives so don't make judgements and be kind. There are 4 sets of people here to consider when weighing up your actions :-
1) Your son- He needs to have grandparents in his life and you should contiunue to call them and involve him as best you can. Ignore any nasty comments and keep phoning - say once every 2 weeks. You are setting your son an example as well don't forget.
2) Your Husband- Leave his realtionship with his parents to him. You can be supportive but don't put yourself in the middle.
3) Don't let any of this affect what you do with your parents as grandparents. Its not their problem and they should be allowed to enjoy their grandson and photos as much as they and you want.
4) Yourself- you've already made the decsion you don't need them if you are preared to stop trying to contact them but you also need to feel good about yourself and that you've done the right thing.
We all "have the relatives that we have" and you can't turn them into the relatives we would like to have. So be proud when you look back on how you have behaved and be kind.

We are grandparents, parents of the father, and we are seldom bothered about. We get plenty of phone calls but never any pictures of the grandchildren whilst the wives parents get photos, presents and plenty of interaction with the children. We only seem to be wanted when they want something so I have jut given up now and have hardened my heart as I have been hurt so much because of not seeing any of my grandchildren grow up.

KelseyLou My mother wasn't very interested in babies/toddlers. "They're not interesting unless you can have a conversation with them." Also, "boys are a nuisance." So that was that. It's a shame for you and your son, but they have made their choice (one that I don't understand).

For whatever reason, they choose not to have a relationship with you, dh and child.
How is their relationship with your dh (their son)? Their relationship with you?
The background information usually helps a lot

Their loss.
I wouldnt waste one more minute worrying about it. Drop the rope. They know where to find you.

You are possibly over thinking this like when did you ask the in-laws to go to park? When it was in lockdown? Remember some people are better at keeping in touch by phone than others. Not sure why your partner would tell you his parents objected to photos on FB with your parents. Did they actually say this and What was his objective in telling you? I feel your partner could step in here and resolve issues. I doubt very much it is because his parents aren’t interested in their grandson.

why does it bother you so much.
what about talking to them directly.
say if you don't like seeing photos of GS with my parents, how about providing some opportunities to take photos of you with GS.
if they don't want to, forget them.
it's for your DH to keep in contact with them, or not, as he wishes.

You sound like a lovely daughter inlaw,a lot of grandparents would love to be able to have what you are offering your partners parents.