How can I be confident making decisions with a bully controlling manager?

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. I had two bullying managers in the last 10 years of my career. They were both younger than me and insecure. The first time I didn’t know how to deal with it and left the job. I was able to find another - luckily. The second time I had learnt how to deal with it better. I stood up to her by immediately giving my point of view when she said something critical or just ignored the nitpicking, smiled at her and carried on doing my job as I saw fit. She tried to make out I was ‘past it’ so I played along with that and sometimes just ‘forgot’ to carry out her more ridiculous requests. She went on maternity leave and the whole team breathed a sigh of relief. Shortly after I retired. It’s a good idea to keep a record of your manager’s tactics and speak to HR. There may have been other complaints.

I was bullied by my manager, went sick and put in a grievance and ended up being paid off. I know that she was jealous of me but that didn't help how I felt and hit rock bottom before I realised what was happening to me. Some colleagues stuck with me but others who were also being bullied on times didn't. I used the money to pay off some of my mortgage and got straight into another job. I know not everyone is as lucky as I've been. I wish you good luck. You don't always realise how low you are until it's got on top of you.

I've been there - twice and it can damage your confidence permanently .
The first time was after returning to work after having several weeks off from being rushed into hospital with a bleeding stomach ulcer. This woman was moved into my office and made a manager over the head of my manager and she proceeded to make both of our lives hell.
She basically had caused so much trouble elsewhere in the business and s that this was her last chance or she would have to leave.
The second time the boss was a complete nit picker. There was no day in the 7 months I worked for her when I didn't do something wrong - mainly through ignorance as I didn't know the process and just her being plain nasty because I had spelt names wrong, put a comma in the wrong place and put the wrong address, even though she had told me to do it that way!
For all you know, your boss may be in the same situation. But that isn't your problem.
If you can sit and talk to him and come to a conclusion that you will work together - whatever extra training he can give you, be it internal or external such as going on courses, you can pass on any information with him and in fact work as a team rather than against each other.
I would suggest speaking to HR if you have one - but in my experience, they can add to the problem and make a situation worse if they only think from an employers point of view.
How much did you actually enjoy your job before this all started to happen? If it was just a means to an end , a way to pay your bills, it may be better for you to look into training if even in your own time, loads of courses online , and then move on. Nothing is worth damaging your mental health over.

Turn it back on him.Ask what he would do?He obviously is no good at managing people if you feel that bad about work.l would look for another job and leave asap.

Another vote for assertiveness training here. You have past issues, and I think your online name has some clues. You say you panic when people explain things to you. Why is that? I would have a little reporter's notebook and pen handy at all times, and when the manager approaches you, just say: "I'll just make a few notes as an aide memoire." That gives you a little breathing space, and you will be looking at your notebook and not at him as you write. Put the date and time and write down brief notes of what he says. Write verbatim anything threatening or inappropriate. This will also have the effect of putting him on notice without you having to be too obvious you are onto him. You can say: "Okay, I'll take a look at that," and then do just that. Has he suggested something useful, albeit in an unfortunate manner? If so, you can do as he suggested. If it's all or mostly negative, the pattern will be clear and you have the notes to take to a senior manager or HR. We all come across bullies at work; I have certainly suffered a fair few. You need to develop tactics and strategies to deal with them. Good luck!

What does your union rep. say about this manager?

You surely cannot be the only person who finds him difficult.

Start looking for another job right away.

You say this man is undermining your confidence and that will only get worse the longer you stay where you are.

This is the trouble with bullies: they end by making it impossible for their victims to get away!

Hi ineedamum,

Before I retired I was an HR manager for most of my career. Unfortunately this sort of behaviour is far too common. I agree with Sparkling that he may feel the need to boost his own confidence by putting others down. For those in your situation who came to me for advice, I would have advised the following steps - taken carefully and with respect:

1. Ask for a one to one with your manager and explain carefully and respectfully that when he speaks to you in this way, you feel humiliated (insert appropriate adjective) and that it is affecting your confidence. It may be that he doesn’t know how his behaviour comes across and you will be giving him a chance to rectify that. Discreetly note down what his response is and any advice/requests he proffers.

2. Discreetly start keeping a log - dates, time, what occurred, who else was present. This is building a history and will be helpful if you need to go to HR. Don’t broadcast this to others or you could find yourself open to disciplinary action.

3. If the first point doesn’t resolve the situation, start dropping the buzz words into your conversation. Along the lines of: “when you speak to me in that way I feel humiliated/undermined/bullied” etc. Record these conversations in your log, recording the points as above.

4. If things don’t start to improve, book an appointment with your HR department, they will be familiar with in-house policies and procedures and will be able to advise you and steer you through it. They will also start to build a formal record.

5. Don’t resign, this is your career and worth working for.

In my experience most cases are resolved at stage one. Sometimes a Frank conversation between both parties is all that is required and the other party is surprised, embarrassed and shocked to learn how you feel. Be prepared to act on any points he has raises as well - this can also be a personal opportunity for growth,

I hope this helps and all goes well. If you see obvious signs of stress in yourself, don’t delay in going to HR and seeking help. Often we think we can just grit our teeth and get on with it, but don’t release how close we are to a breakdown or similar sort of mental health episode.

Surely, your line Manager has their own line Manager? Take this matter further up the chain, clearly your Manager is not confident in their role and this is displayed in the way they treat you.
Also, have you joined a Union? I realise that these are not always present in every workplace but everyone has a right to be treated fairly and with respect. This Manager clearly has no respect for you.

Very sorry to know you are in this situation. Find another job. People like your present boss will never change and have no motivation to do so. For your own sanity stop the damage he is doing. It may take time, but the knowledge that this is going to be a limited problem and that you are in control will help your confidence enormously. Sending warm thoughts and lots of luck.

I think go with the advice from Madgran77 - give him 3 options as solutions and ask for his opinion.

Also record the interactions when he nitpicks your work.

Also learn some basic assertiveness techniques such as broken record

This site introduces you to 3 basic assertiveness techniques and sends you a free down load if you wish

www.liveyourtruestory.com/3-simple-assertiveness-techniques-communication/

I used to keep my basic phrases in the front of my filofax so I could turn to it as the problem person approached. Your phases should be positive not apologies. Worked well for me.

you might say to the nitpick. 'Oh thank for making that point. Ill put it into action when its appropriate.'

I agree with all the views here who are stating it’s your managers fault, and it is ! The objective of a Manager, is to lead and “manage”, this one is doing neither ! Join the Union, if there is one, speak to HR, bullying is neither desirable nor constructive. Decent line managers recognise we are all different and all work and learn in different ways. I’m wondering how led your Manager is ? I’m 62 and have worked full time all my life, much of it in line management, as I’ve got older I’ve had less stressful, less important roles, by choice, and some, but not all, of my younger line managers have been utterly horrendous ! Shouldn’t be this way, but it could be they cannot deal with older employees and resort to bullying as they cannot cope and are utterly inept !

Hand in your notice straightaway, the sooner you do it the sooner you get back the real you. Oh and the shorter the period you have to disguise on your CV if things turn nasty! I went from a competent individual who was dealing with the problems of others on a daily basis to a blithering wreck in the space of a little under 12 weeks. It is just not worth it.

Management is about using resources wisely and appropriately to get the optimum results - so this manager seems pretty ropey!
Managing staff to get the best out of them is a difficult skill but if he can’t do it properly, it’s pretty poor.
Encouragement, support, praise where due, only constructive criticism and clear guidelines are required.
Do you have an appraisal system? When I was a manager with over 40 staff, we had a strict review system. Both managers and staff had to come to 8 weekly reviews with ideas for improvement and development on both sides, with agreements made on how to proceed.
It was a chance for everyone to air grievances, issues, niggles, expectations etc in a relatively safe environment.
To be honest, nobody said they actually liked or enjoyed this system, but everybody agreed it worked okay. ?‍♀️

I came across a bully in a previous job. He picked on me and a colleague and we are not sure why, especially as when he joined the company as a Departmental Manager he was fine. He became a nasty obnoxious man checking up on everything, apart from our own clients. He would cross reference our calendars against our personal tracker alarms, and on one occasion complained to my boss that I was not where I said I would be and he had got the wrong day. Life was very unpleasant. Eventually my colleague and I complained to a Senior manager, as our own manager could not see the larger problem. He took a redundancy package which he bragged about and moved to another Company, where he tried his bully tactics once again, and was asked to leave. What goes around .......... * Ineedamum* I think some of the responses on here are excellent but should things not improve you could try speaking to a senior manager or your HR department. I hope things improve for you.

I had a bullying manager once. I was good at my job and I believe she was jealous of my success. She pretended to be my friend but put me down when others were around. When I retired I missed the job but not her, although I was secretly glad when I heard she had messed up when she tried to do the work I had been doing. Sounds mean I know but???

You have done nothing wrong and your boss is clearly a poor manager but your options for sorting this out, in post, are limited and unattractive. Telling him how you’re feeling is your least worst option but he doesn’t sound like he’d be at all receptive to that; he’s too insecure. That leaves you with going to HR and / or submitting a formal grievance. The latter will be very stressful and, among other things, will involve him rubbishing your performance in order to defend himself. It is a total injustice but I think your best option is to look for a new job as soon as possible. Even if you don’t get the jobs you apply for, the feedback from those applications is likely to be helpful and supportive, which will boost your confidence. You’re in a very unpleasant situation but you can get out of it, as others have done before you. Good luck!

There is a great book to help you become more assertive (distinguish this from aggressive) called A woman in your own right by Anne Dixon - paper back and not expensive and in print for decades as it is so helpful.
But meanwhile if you can talk to your boss and explain what is making it so difficult for you and ask for what you would like from him, that might change things for you both. The boss is struggling too. Is there an HR person you could talk to?

Ineedamum I am sorry you are feeling like this. Suggest you consider keeping a note of details and times this happens.. Is there a union you can join?

It is miserable being unhappy in a job. Being humiliated is unacceptable and hope some of the advice here helps but if not its always a good idea to have some evidence of this.

I looked into this when I retired. I had worked for two horrendous bullies and finished my career with a boss who became a much loved friend. I was interested to find out why managers find it necessary to bully. My union had also researched this and found that employees who are bullied are :- usually popular, we’ll qualified, and have a particular talent. Any or all of these can act as a catalyst for bullies, without them actually realising why they’re doing it. It’s like a reflex action or chemical reaction. I find this sad but reassuring at the same time.

I agree with Puzzled,great advice.

Try emailing requests for opinions / option selection. You should then have time to consider any reply and compose answers to questions slow time. That could reduce your anxiety and enable you to judge in a calm situation.

Good luck

Tell him that you’d appreciate constructive criticism, not destructive !

The way to deal with a bully is to face them down.
Recently saw a dog expert face down a snarling Great Dane.
Suddenly G D stopped snarling and became obedient "Oh I can't frighten this one"
All part of Relationship Training.
Stop adopting the "Child" role and become the "Parent".
It will probably only need to be done once.
A dogs stops chasing a cat when it stops and stands with a raised paw and claws out!

I bink you might benefit from some Assertiveness training.

I would sit and talk with him. I have always found over the years that most issues can be helped by communication. He might be intimidating you, but you must show him you are doing your best and being berated by him is not offering any solution. Ask for some tools (manual, online resources, etc.) and guidance.

Also after that, is there someone above him that you can go to? Does he have a superior? Managers jobs are to manage and it does not sound like he is doing a very good job.