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Widows Place

(22 Posts)

GNHQ have commented on this thread. Read here.

Msida Sun 25-Apr-21 18:51:29

I couldn't find any main forums for being a widow, maybe I missed it

I just wanted to be able to go onto a forum and see how other people have coped

I just read a piece from a widow that said break every rule the experts give you.. Don't make any decisions til 12 months have passed etc

How I have coped is by not allowing myself to think about it, the mind is very powerful and we are very much in control of that and that has worked for me. Will there be a day when all hell breaks loose and I cry for a week.. I don't know.

The worse thing for me is being alone.. Yes I do have children, but their grown and have children to take care of and mortgages to pay and as much as they love you,, sometimes there just isn't anytime after working all day long to go and visit your Mum.

I have not seen anyone in my family for two weeks now, I can happily make one week but when it turns into two I begin to crumble and think why am I here..

I hit rock bottom this weekend and realised that I need to make more effort to see my family. That is quite hard for me because when my husband was alive it was just me and him and we were happy to let our children get on with their lives.

But now it seems that I need my family because not seeing them for 2 and 3 weeks at a time makes me feel isolated and Alone in the world

I have never lived in a house on my own.

So basically the reason I started this thread is for us all to have a space to come and talk about how we are coping with being widowed,, what is working for us,, what has helped and to be a strength for each other so that we dont feel alone.

So please feel free to add your thoughts and comments here and my 🧡 goes out to each and every widow

Msida Sun 25-Apr-21 18:52:50

I'M SO SORRY FOR THE TYPO

If course I meant to type widows!!

what a 24 carrot plonker I really am!!

BlueBelle Sun 25-Apr-21 19:03:41

I love 24 carrot plonkers or even 18 carat plonkers 😂😂
I m a divorced individual quite different, but there are people on here who are like you and some who have lost husbands quite recently so I m sure you ll get lots of replies and support
💐

PippaZ Sun 25-Apr-21 19:11:34

Msida, if you ask GNHQ (the easiest way is to use the report button at the top of your OP), they will change it for you although I doubt they are watching closely today so it may take a while.

welbeck Sun 25-Apr-21 19:17:34

i have an image of a lovely large cake, with 24 carrots radiating out on top, like spokes, set in butter cream.

OP, have you heard of this group, aimed at the widowed.
i don't know anything about them, so can't recommend.
forum.way-up.co.uk/

DiscoDancer1975 Sun 25-Apr-21 19:36:49

Bless you. I am not widowed, but it’s something I always dread. Thank you for starting this thread as I’m sure it’ll be helpful to so many people. Please do contact your children. They’ll want to know I’m sure. Look after yourself 💐

Ashcombe Sun 25-Apr-21 19:44:24

I am so sorry to read of your loss. Although I’m not a widow, I’ve experienced being alone following divorce but I’ve remarried. My DH lives in France so I am alone a lot, with offspring too far away to visit at all currently. Likewise, DH and I can’t visit each other but this doesn’t compare with being a widow.

Perhaps advice from Cruse would help:-

www.cruse.org.uk/

Urmstongran Sun 25-Apr-21 19:49:17

I didn’t want to read and retreat. I hope this thread garners responses and support.

I think couples who do (and are) mutually exclusive find transition to widowhood more challenging. Where is the support group apart from family?

Sincere condolences for your loss. I hope in time your heart will ease and accept. As HMTQ said ‘grief is the price we pay for love’. This must be hard right now. x

tanith Sun 25-Apr-21 19:54:02

I’ve been widowed 2+ yrs now and it has got easier although loneliness has been exaggerated by COVID. I find it hard to make important decisions or live alone having always had someone else around to discuss things with.
I’m sorry you are struggling but do reach out to your family for support even if it’s by phone or text. My daughters live close by are really good but my son is abroad and not so communicative. Keep posting here I’m sure there will be lots who contribute.

Msida Sun 25-Apr-21 20:06:19

Thank you I'll do that PipaZ

Msida Sun 25-Apr-21 20:12:50

Tanith me too about the decisions. I can give you a tip I learnt if you are happy for me to tell you,, I write my options on a piece of paper, there n a I score them out of ten, it's powerful Tanith give it a go, and me too about never have lived alone before, it just feels so different x

HebeGransnet (GNHQ) Sun 25-Apr-21 22:26:44

Hey there, OP. We've just changed the title of this thread as per your request.

Lucca Sun 25-Apr-21 22:36:25

HebeGransnet

Hey there, OP. We've just changed the title of this thread as per your request.

So how come you haven’t commented on the Vietnamese thread ?

Jemma75 Thu 06-May-21 05:24:01

I believe the isolation of Covid has taken a toll on all in difference ways.
I think isolation is especially hard for those who live alone and are far from family and friends.
I feel my life coming back slowly with the vaccines and that offers me hope and the energy to reach out to others.

Hellogirl1 Thu 06-May-21 09:43:04

I was widowed just over 4 and a half years ago, but I`m not totally on my own, my disabled daughter lives with me, and her carers come several times a day. I also have 2 other daughters who call often, as does my eldest son when he can, but he has cancer and has been shielding until recently. My youngest son might as well live on another planet, we very rarely see him, although he does ring about once a month to see if we`re OK.
One thing that I find myself doing is thinking "I`ll ask David if he knows/remembers" then I realise that I can`t anymore, even after all this time I`m still doing that. The garage is still full of his tools and his fishing tackle, heaven knows when they`ll get sorted. And I still hate that there isn`t a man around at night, I hear every little sound after I go to bed.

Granny23 Tue 11-May-21 12:10:42

I've been a widow for just over 6 months now and everyone thinks I am coping well. Granted I had become used to doing everything (and more) by myself as I cared for DH (with dementia) for four years at home, until I could no longer cope and he was in a care home for the last 2 years of his life. My 2DDs live in neighbouring towns. We phone, zoom and have garden visits.

I think the reason why they think I am doing amazingly well is that they are almost always accompanied by the DGC, who are a delight and really cheer me up. However, I cannot bare my soul with DGC present - hence they have the impression that I am bright and cheery.

Today, it being rainy, I have started to clear out the back bedroom where everything tends to get dumped. I came upon two full black sacks which I did not recognise. On opening them I found all DH's clothes that he had in the care home - all washed and ironed and still with his sewn in name labels. I have no memory of receiving them. This has completely floored me. I am a quivering wreck. I have dumped the bags back in the bedroom and run away to the computer because I remembered that there was a new thread for widows.

I expect that all widows have these moments when it is all suddenly too much to bear. How do you cope/Get back on an even keel?

Granny23 Tue 11-May-21 18:11:12

I find it strange that this thread has not really 'taken off' as I know there are many widows on Gransnet. If anyone is interested, which I doubt, I spent the afternoon in the garden cutting peasticks, weeding and turning over a section and planting the peas. I am still feeling shaky but at least I have done something positive today.

Floradora9 Tue 11-May-21 18:30:20

While working in a charity shop I hated to be given bags of clothes with name tags still on . If you do get round to giving your DH's clothes away please take off the tags as I feel it degrades the person if you do not do this . A bit of dignity is good for those we have lost sorry for your loss .

Esspee Tue 11-May-21 18:45:14

I didn’t feel I could face going back to work for about a year. I wish someone had encouraged me to go back sooner.
My children both lived abroad so I couldn’t lean on them. I suppose I set about transforming my house as a means of keeping myself occupied. Apart from obsessive gardening and the house makeover, looking back everything else is a blur.

All I know is I got through it OP and you will too. Please don’t get despondent.

kathsue Tue 11-May-21 19:10:14

Shortly after my husband died my sister was helping me clear out the garage which was full to bursting. I was doing fine until she chucked out his old, green padded waistcoat which he often wore when working in the garden or garage. It felt to me like she was throwing away his essence and I just collapsed in a heap.

I had to keep going as I had my 5 yr old GS to bring up alone. He kept me very busy for a few years then I started looking for organisations to join.

I found a group called "life after loss" for people who had lost loved ones. It wasn't all about bereavement but we all had something in common. I also attended a bereavement course which helped.

I love gardening, Granny23, and I find peace and comfort out there watching plants grow, bloom and die then start all over again next year. The physical activity helps me feel better too.

It'll be 14 years next month. You never forget but it does get easier to live with although there are still times when it hits me like a ton of bricks. I get through the bad days because I know they will pass and I just have to ride them out.

crazyH Tue 11-May-21 19:24:31

I am alone due to divorce. My 3 children live fairly near, but I never go to their houses unless asked to/invited.
I think people are more sympathetic to widows, than divorcees, just my observation.
I hope you manage to get in touch with the relevant support groups ...

Granny23 Wed 12-May-21 11:54:19

Floradora9 I will follow your advice, but please bear in mind that difficult as it is for you, the act of cutting your beloved's name off, depersonalising their clothing, is almost unbearable for the bereaved spouse or children.