Advice on Parenting a Clingy Child

Great advice here and please reassure both your DD and yourself that this is totally normal. She may or may not grow out of this but it is sometimes she will get used to. I have four children, one was like this and it was horrendous and she never liked school, much worse for Mummy though than the child especially as once DD is out of sight child is fine.

I’m with the quick hug quick departure advice

Good luck

There’s a similar situation with my GD. She will soon be 7 and is in year 2. Everything was fine until she had to go back after the latest lockdown. She has always loved school and has lots of friends and a very caring and experienced teacher. It has been a struggle for my DS and DIL but things are slowly improving now. She just didn’t want to leave her mum and home after so long.

My older one went through a phase of this when at nursery school to the point where I considered keeping her at home (after all, at 3-4, no child really NEEDS to be in school). I'm afraid I resorted to bribery - a smartie each day just before she went in did the trick.
(And yes, I know, dental risk etc... But she's 43 now, running her own school and her teeth are fine)

My son was the same. He was 4 and a few days when he started in reception.

He had a wonderful, inspired and compassionate teacher who felt that the hustle and bustle of the start of the school day was just too much for my fragile little flower.

She suggested bringing him in 10 minutes early and have him settled with a jigsaw or some colouring before the rest of the class drifted in. He barely noticed their arrival (or my departure) and everything worked out fine.

I love some of the ideas on here, especially the role play and the hearts.

My son was a very clingy little one and starting school was awful for him - and me. He wouldn’t take his coat off and bless them they didn’t make him though they did hang on to him while telling me to go. He never took his coat off for the whole term and I was told spent every playtime sitting alone on a bench. His older sister was there so he was very familiar with the small friendly school but he found it all too noisy and frightening. These days I would probably have been told he was on the Autistic spectrum and they would probably be right.

He eventually made a friend and gradually got used to school but never liked it.

I ran a preschool for many years.
We invited mums in before the child started for a few sessions, so the children were familiar with their surroundings.

Now that your gd has been there for a month, she could be left with teacher at the door. It just prolongs the upset. Her named key worker should be on hand to settle her.

She will be fine as soon as mum leaves. It happens a lot so don’t despair. She’ll have a lovely time. ?

My friends son used to be like this. Crying when he went in and again whilst waiting to be collected. It turned out that he thought that when parents arrived to collect them they chose which child they wanted to take home and he was scared he wouldn't be there when his Mum turned up! Once he understood that he would always be there until Mum turned up he was fine.

My daughter used to cry when I left her - which upset me too! The nursery teacher told me to just walk away then come back and look through the window after 5 minutes. I did this and my daughter was playing - happy as Larry!
My granddaughter was the same (payback time) except she continued to be upset so the nursery recommended that she stop coming for a while. My daughter employed a childminder for a couple of days a week for her at home, so she got used to someone else teaching her but in the knowledge that mum was just "at work" in the study. Then lockdown happened.
Anyway, she has gone back to nursery now and is very happy there.
I don't think it's to do with age but whether the individual child is ready, and if she's not, then what is a few more months with mum in the great scheme of things?

My eldest dd clung to me in the playground whilst others were happily running around. The only way I could get her to line up and go in was to wait outside the classroom window so I could wave to her when she got in there before going home.

Mostly she lacked confidence and you just have to do whatever you can to give that confidence. I was furious on one occasion when she was one of two chosen to see the school doctor. As we were going in she slipped her hand into mine. The school doctor then accused me of being over protective saying I did not need to hold her hand! I retorted that it was her holding mine and that was what gave her the confidence to go in. Additionally the doctor was an Indian lady with a red spot on her forehead which dd had never experienced before. So what is wrong with a nervous 5 year old holding mummy’s hand in a situation she was not used to. Doing that meant she coped fine.

Can she take a little "something" in a bag, pocket that her mum asks her to look after for her, or even something of her own that could be considered a comfort for her. Your GD needs something to transfer her anxiety to instead of her Mum. Nearly 5 years old, can she go into nursery along with another child who is calm and accepting?

ValerieF

Hmmm just part of life I am afraid. I remember crying for weeks for my mum when she left me at school too. No option only to go though is there? Especially if she is 5 and not 3. Where I live children move on to actual school by 5 not nursery

All you can do is persevere and ignore the tears. Unless, as someone says, there is any reason to suspect it is not a good nursery? Eventually she will accept that - this is life!

that's horrible!

My son did this from the moment he started nursery until the age of 10 when I finally got him some help. Although he didn't do it every day once he was in Junior school, at the beginning of each half term we would go through the mill. Even if he didn't cry, he would get really bad stomach aches. When he was 10, illness meant I couldn't walk him around the corner to school and he would walk with a friend. The school would then ring me to tell me he was reporting that he was sick on the way to school and so they couldn't keep him there.
I knew it was his anxiety rather than illness and as I had a young child, I spoke to the Health Visitor. She had a friend, Helen, who worked in child psychology so Helen visited us weekly to give him strategies to cope with the feelings he was experiencing. Within a few months, he was coping. She helped us get him into a less rough secondary school so, with only a couple of hiccups, things went well.
Your grandaughter might be a little too young for such strategies but help is out there if nothing else works.

CarolynOco - I'm a psychotherapist - your granddaughter's problem is linked with her attachment style and that's something that's developed in her relationship with her primary care giver who I assume to be your daughter. Whether your daughter can remember the trigger or not there has been some difficulty when your GD was much younger and this has affected her ability to separate from her mother and to attach to someone else - even though when she is finally left at nursery she stops crying. Go onto youtube and find videos on Anxious Attachment - this will help you understand. All anxieties are caused by fear but it may not be the fear of your GDs mother not returning which makes her so clingy - for example she may have thought at some stage that she has done something wrong and that if she is away from her mother, her mother may transfer her love to someone else. As others have said she needs reassurance and the piece of clothing is a good idea but the key is to drive down to the exact fear and deal with that. Telling the child to pull herself together is a sure way for her to grow up with a definite anxious personality. She might stop crying but she will always suffer with anxiety and that will destroy relationships. Hope this helps.

Or as janipans suggests. Take a break for a few months?

I think what it shows is she is very loved and is used to her needs being met. My mother went away for a year when I was five and what I remember is not crying. I instead asked if I could give the cat some milk and was so pleased and that is all I remember. I think it had repercussions later in my life. Be gentle with her and all those things suggested. My mum embroidered two pictures for me which I still treasure...she was in hospital.

Something we’ve done with clingy four year olds at school is to get mum to draw a heart on her hand and then one on the child’s in felt tip pen, we call them hug buttons and when you want to send a hug or let mum know you’re thinking about her you press the heart. It sounds silly but it has worked for several of our clingy reception children.

My children ran into Nursery and 'Big School' - they just couldn't wait to go.... Wonder what that says about me?!

A bit of a flippant comment as I had done prep with them: in the months before they were due to begin, several times a week we would walk past the school at playtime. We would watch the children playing and I would point out the happiest children. I am sure that this contributed to their lack of anxiety when their turn came to being left.

This is a little late for the original poster but may help with future children.

However when my eldest grandson started at nursery, I was the one crying at the door!

I peeked through the window a few minutes later and he was still alive and very happy.

Sometimes (not always) the child crying is what it thinks is the correct to thing to do. Minutes later, they are happily ensconced with an activity but Mummy or Grandma will be at home berating themselves for being so cruel!

I truly hope this is a phase and passes as it can be a strain. Our 8year old granddaughter has been like this since she was around 5 months old. Even now, every day she tells her mum she hates school and wants to be home schooled, yet the minute she's in the door she's as happy as Larry all day. I know as I work in her school. She loves coming out with us for the day or holidays, but with her mum she's a moaning minnie. I'm not being nasty, that's just the way she is and we all know this Her sister who has been broght up in the eact same way is completely different.

To think that I walked to school by myself, so no chance for clinging at the door!

Although I wasn't unhappy at school and never cried as far as I know, I did find the number of children in my class huge and the playtime really noisy. I know I'd have preferred to be at home given the choice. For some time I benefitted from having a parent wave to me in the playground at lunchtime. I think I just needed to know they were "there" for me. Apparently after a while I forgot to look and slowly they stopped coming to wave.

I don't know what would have happened if they hadn't given up their day like this - maybe I'd still have been fine - but it did make me feel loved and the transition to school was ultimately fine.

I know your little one is OK once there, as I was - so it really is the transition that's hard. I hope you find a solution soon.


My parents were undoubtedly the best of patents. I realise as an adult, just how very loving and giving they were. SO lucky.

When my girls were small and I had to leave them, I used to tell them to put both hands forward and I used to put a kiss in each hand and tell them to tuck the kisses in their pockets. Then if they felt sad they could reach into their pockets and get the kisses out. I did it with my granddaughter too when she was a tot. It always worked. They all laugh about it now!

My granddaughter age 11 has always had separation anxiety. We think it’s sorted then it returns. The lockdowns have really affected her and returning to school after spending so much time at home has really set her back. We have tears and physically vomiting on the way to school. Pastoral unit at her school is brilliant but this attachment to her mum needs to be addressed otherwise she will take it into her teens, which is a minefield of emotions in itself.

Bluebelle that’s interesting. At 5 I couldn’t wait to start school, and on the first day, ran ahead of my poor mother, eager to start and meeting the other children.

I think the simple truth is that school doesn’t suit all children. There could be a million reasons why a child reacts in this way; attachment issues, separation anxiety, additional needs of some kind, or simply a sensitive child who doesn’t feel comfortable in large, noisy environments. My older two children loved school, my youngest hated it from the start and was eventually statemented for school phobia (and yes they deliberately put that label on it rather than school refusal). We followed all the usual advice, leave him quickly, he’ll be fine when you’ve gone (we later found out he wasn’t fine at all but eventually gave up protesting). He stopped attending school after year 7.

I’m not saying this to alarm the OP but rather to put the other side of the picture, some children need a different approach and if high levels of distress (such as vomiting in the way to school as mentioned by bobbydog24) continue despite all efforts, then specialist help is needed at an early stage. I regret that we persevered for too long and caused our child immense distress in the process. I would hope also that help is more available than when my son was small. I’m happy to say that he is 31 now and happy and thriving, but that’s another story in itself!

Different children, different people, worth trying gently to have an open conversation or 2 or 3 to provide a space for her to say if there is anything, in particular, bothering her, but it may just be the way she is, I know my first at age 5 was not ready for school and the separation, but by statutory school age he was. Second child did none of them trying to separate from her, that I had done with my first, waited for util she was ready and would you believe that she was more than ready at 5, in fact, she'd have been ok earlier, but there is such a lot they can get out of being one child with mum and doing all the fun things you can't do when at school.
Both went on school trips, holidays with friends, then to university, then travelled the world.
I often found that if there had been a problem at school, the summer break seemed to help them grow up and chill out and by school return time the problem had disappeared.