Reasonable expectations for a grandparent taking grandchild/ren?

you don;t need to understand her or why she does it or what it really means etc.
do not waste time and attention on that.
all your attention needs to be on your child and her needs, keeping her safe. she cannot protect herself, you must do so.
if you don't put her first she will resent you later.
by the way, keep on reading about narcissistic grooming...

Just saw that I have recieved more input! Thank you all so much. It's all very encouraging and helpful and some different perspectives in there as well.

My mother in law has been asking my husband why I don't like her recently, since we haven't been letting her take our daughter the past few weeks. (We still have been visiting with her collectively though and even took her out to dinner for Mother's Day). I am kind and respectful towards her so I find it strange she is asking him this. Up until recently, we haven't really told her no though, so I can understand if that is difficult for her. I think she blames me for not being able to take the GC whenever she likes, even though we've been trying to present a united front. Maybe I'm being thrown under the bus though.

I am wary of her wanting to see our daughter apart from us so frequently. She says it's not the same with us there. I wonder what she wants to do that she cannot do with us present? The more she pushes for it, the more concerned it makes me feel. This doesn't seem normal to me..it seems like a red flag and I am starting to suspect either a desire to cause division or have a do-over as a mother? It does sort of feel like a custody arrangement, as someone said.
I believe if she wanted a healthy relationship with her granddaughter, she would just be happy to see her and whether we were present or not wouldn't make a difference. I can't make sense of it..it feels like we are being pushed out. But if someone has another perspective to offer on that, I am open to it. I was reading about narcissistic grooming so I could be being paranoid...haha...

In light of the fact that she smokes in her car and so her car, and the carseat she keeps in there, smell of cigarettes...I have no idea if her taking the GC will be able to happen anymore, even for a few hours. I feel terrible about not speaking up about the cigarettes sooner and just thinking of all the times my daughter was already exposed to that..but it's a tricky situation and we haven't found a way to relay this to her yet...I think she would be devastated.

In all honesty I believe her life revolves around the GC a bit. She's had some diffiult things going on in her life so I think she uses my daughter as a crutch. I understand it on some level, but I also feel it is unfair.

Your husband sounds like a total mummy's boy - he needs to step up and sort this shit out! It should not be down to you to deal with his domineering mother. However, I do question how grown women who are mothers allow themselves to be taken advantage of like this. You are a grown up with your own child to think about - FFS woman take a stand! I would not allow anyone who smokes anywhere near my young child (if I had one) - this is your child's health at stake, you need to learn to just say NO!!!

Your MIL knows what she’s doing, and knows you and your hubby’s weakness to not offend her, so she is not being fair and so therefore any “good” qualities that she has are being destroyed by this “selfish, and controlling” behaviour, which is sad for all of you. I would gather all the strength you have, either visit her alone and state that the “routine” or agreement that you once had isn’t working, as a) your daughter gets upset leaving you, and b) gets upset on returning, so you feel it’s creating unnecessary upset.
Explain you understand your daughter and her can spend some time alone at your house if she wishes, we’re your daughter is familiar with the surroundings, and smoke free, or she could pop out locally to the park etc, but she returns home to you,
I have 5 grandchildren and have more or less raised them since babies as both families worked, but even though I see a lot less of them now, I accept they are not MY children, and decisions about them are NOT MINE to demand, or manipulate. I would t dream of it. She is a strong character and she knows how to play you BOTH. I’m not saying she’s a nasty person, but she’s putting her own needs before your daughters, your husbands and yours.
The smoking is wrong in the child’s presence, but if you take care of the first point, the second point will sort itself. Good luck, you both now first and foremost need to be a good mum and dad, then a good son and daughter in law. Hope your MIL takes a step back without throwing the dummy out of the pram.

"Why don’t you let your husband take the child over to his mother’s house once a week for a couple of hours? He can make sure she isn’t smoking and the air is clear. The three of them can visit while you stay home and take a bubble bath. Your husband won’t have a reason to resent you. Your mil will have a visit at her house. You’ll get a little break."

This is so wrong on so many levels.

Her home is toxic with tobacco chemicals, not a place for an adult, much less a child.

Mil's entitlement to the child does not need to encouraged with offering the child in a silver platter.

Mothers can get breaks in a much healthier and reasonable manner

I agree with the comments on here which are pretty unanimous. As you posted here for advice it made me wonder who you have in your life that you can confide in. It sounds like you are (like me) the sort of person who doesn’t like confrontation, but need that bit of a push to stand up to MIL and DH for the sake of your precious DD. Stay strong, good luck.

The power you have is that you are speaking to her in the child’s best interest. Your child, not her child.
If she truly loved the baby, there would be no problem. I’m thinking this is a power struggle from her and you are the victim in all this.

Why don’t you let your husband take the child over to his mother’s house once a week for a couple of hours? He can make sure she isn’t smoking and the air is clear. The three of them can visit while you stay home and take a bubble bath. Your husband won’t have a reason to resent you. Your mil will have a visit at her house. You’ll get a little break.

I would definitely bring up the health side of things with regards to smoke around your daughter. If she is in your MIL house then, unfortunately, she is inhaling the smoke.
I would go so far as to say to your MIL something along the lines of 'you don't seem bothered if you get cancer but I certainly don't want my daughter/your granddaughter catching it'!

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

It does sound as though your DH is used to giving in to his mother's demands / tears, etc. so he needs to learn that this can be just another form of emotional blackmail and that, as an adult, he has to leave all that in the past. It is not a crime for him to upset his mother, but I would suggest that it IS criminal not to protect his little daughter. The pair of you need to learn some simple assertiveness techniques - can I suggest you google "broken record technique". I've found that it works like a charm.

Your child, your decision. If MIL cries then shes being manipulative, she needs to grow up and act like an adult. If it was a child of mine anyone looking after her would have to either stop smoking or only see her outdoors. I have a son with a severe lung disease and as a child he'd go nowhere where anyone had smoked. Second hand smoke/passive smoking is bad for all children - you become hyperaware of the risks when you have a medically vulnerable child but then all small children are developing their lungs and need to do so in an evironment that won't harm them. They should not be inhaling smoke and seeing important adults smoking also sets a very bad example to a child. The rest of MILs behaviour sounds manipulative TBH but unless she's deliberately undermining your relationship with your child - perhaps to show she's a better Mother than you or express some negative feelings towards you - I'd be less worried as kids are quite robust. However, if your daughter shows signs of not wanting to be left with her Grandmother then, personally, I'd not leave her. My MIL believed my kids were clingy and should be forced to be more independent but I think that is very old fashioned and that they will venture out into the world as they feel ready and able to at their own pace.

I am a grandparent of 6 ranging from 8- 21, so can look at this from a different angle. It's lovely that your mil wants to spend time with your little one, but this should be on your terms not hers. You and your husband will have to present an united front. Tell her that you'd love her to babysit when you fancy a night out, but other than that, then you'll all visit together.

Agree with all the comments. Smoking is a no no. It sounds like that is just part of the issue. A MIL who is manipulative, self centred, relishing a 2nd run at parenthood is bad news. Good luck, you’ll need to be consistently strong.

I'd try not to be too abrupt, just say she'll miss I think she is missing us and her routines and we're missing her so much.

Being a people-pleaser is the easy way out, so STOP IT NOW!
You need to step and be a parent
Parenting is difficult and this is your first big hurdle but you really do need to take care of your daughter first, then yourself then your husband. MIL is not on the list
Your husband also has to learn that pleasing his mother is not on his priority list either
Being afraid of being the 'bad guy' is uncomfortable but there are going to be many times in your daughter's future where you will both need to unite, take a stand, be firm and stick by your decisions, start now
Good luck

Totally agree with comments. Smoking is a big no no - stop contact immediately. Limit visits if MIL or home smells of nicotine. This is your child and your responsibility. MIL might be a bit hurt but will get over it. MIL needs more interests of her own - your daughter is not her companion.

Sorry... 'YOUR FAMILY UNIT'... typo(shame on me...)

How does your little one react to going with her gran?
In quiet times have you brought up the conversation with her, even at two she can tell you. If she doesn't want to go give it a break for a while.. Even at two and three my grandchildren would say 'isn't it time to go to nana's house again". Before they were two and not so vocal I made sure the time they were with me was their time, we had fun and lots of cuddles. What does your daughter do when she's with this gran, anything special. Grans are special so they should behave special when with the little ones. It shouldn't be a chore.

I am a grandmother who has a lot of contact with my granddaughter, and have done so since she was born because her mum had a rough time with the birth and needed support. We live 10 mins from each other and if the support is required, I give it - even if I have to drop business and house, but if it is not required I value my own time as well.
Your MIL is not behaving for the good of YOUR FAMILY UNIG, but for her own benefit.
My feeling is that you should gently, but unambiguously tell her that you need more time with your little one, and make sure you go with the baby when she takes it. You need to assert yourself.
Do it gently but NO NONSENSE. Your concerns for your baby come first.
ps. about the smoking... NO... NO... NO!!!!!

This is one of the great disadvantages of living near to a relative!
I know of a widowed grandmother who desperately wants to get a cat or dog but won’t in case her 7 year old granddaughter might be allergic, so to hear of someone smoking in the house and wanting to look after my child would be a definite no.

I remember my in-laws visiting from abroad and insisting on taking our 18 month old out in the pram in our busy town when they were elderly and not used to cars on our side of the road. They had to stuff our baby full of bananas all afternoon to keep her quiet. I was distraught. They didn’t want me with them and my husband wasn’t around to say no so I gave in though she screamed and screamed going off with them. I counted the minutes until they were safely home. Understandable they wanted to push the baby around but very unfair
Don’t be a wimp like me. Stand your ground..

I find this post sad in a few ways. Firstly, the MIL can't see that smoking around children is a no no and that it would be better for the GC and her own health if she tried to stop. I am not, and never have been a smoker so maybe this makes me bias. Secondly, whilst I appreciate the MIL might be needy, I would have loved a MIL who even wanted to see my children and cared enough to want them so much in her life. Unfortunately my first MIL was not interested in the slightest, couldn't even remember their birthdays and couldn't be bothered. My children grew up therefore having a very distant relationship with her, really not wanting to either. My current MIL only is interested in her own flesh and blood and therefore step grandchildren are of no interest. So very sad as my AC have no blood grandparents left (thankfully they had a great set in my parents, albeit 150 miles apart). I was brought up in the same town as both sets of grandparents and from a very young age, was looked after when needed, including overnight by both. Because of this, I loved spending time with them and my relationship with them was wonderful. I would end up spending sometimes a week with them, even though I could have gone home. Having read several posts on the forum, there appears to be alot of grandparents walking on egg shells around their DS, DD and DDIL. Yet if the GC need looked after, the grandparents are expected to jump. Forgive me, but this doesn't seem healthy. I am about to become a grandmother to DS and DDIL. I would like to be a major part in my GC life and would hope that I will be allowed to be. I will feel very very hurt if this is not the case. Children who have experience of regularly being away from mummy and looked after by eg a grandparent end up not being clingy and settle much better at nursery and school. To wildflower222, whilst I would be encouraging MIL to quit smoking and yes you see her as needy, you are fortunate that she cares so much and wants to see GD regularly. Please remember that being a MIL is not always easy. Perhaps one day you will be a mum to a DS and end up having a DDIL. Please don't shut her out x

Absolutely agree with all the posts- I have 6 grandchildren and 2 daughters in law. I have only looked after the children when requested and that has happened quite often! Would never have dreamed of insisting that I had the right to have them to stay especially at such a young age. Your MIL obviously has a serious problem of manipulative behaviour - she sounds a bit unbalanced too and probably needs some sort of help herself- - her son (your husband) needs to grow a pair and put you and your child first. You sound kind and understanding but you MUST put your child first - not a crying, self pitying woman who should know better. She needs to get a life I’m afraid. You must stay firm - it will be tough - but it must be done or she will rule your lives forever.

My many grandchildren have stayed overnights/weekends with me but the age they started varied from child to child , the youngest being under 1 to one of my granddaughters not staying until she was almost 5 because she wasn’t ready to be away from her mum .
My daughters who are stay at home mums love having a bit of time with just them and their partners and trust us completely to care for their children in the same way as they do at home , it’s their children not mine and it’s their ways of bringing up children that I respect and adhere to.
One of my grandsons, he is 21 , phoned to ask if he could stay this weekend so we must be doing something right and the younger ones have all asked to stay so the rota is back in use !
The problem seems to be that she thinks she is entitled to have your daughter rather than a privilege and does not respect your views .
Stick to your guns and just keep saying no .

Short and not so sweet response is she’s your daughter, she’s still very young and it’s your call as her parents who you wish to allow to have her alone !!

Your MIL does sound a bit controlling and I’d be very unhappy about the smoking and I’m always happy to see my darling grandson with his Mum and Dad !

Why not make a regular but not set in stone arrangement to have her over to your house for tea and cakes and let them play together !!