Feelings of resentment...

Hi
I am really sorry to hear you are going through this.
Has your daughter considered doing a bit of voluntary work? It would help her build experience, get her out of the house and lift her mood? If shes set on a career in retail there are lots of charity shops desperate for help but there are loads of other charity areas health, animal welfare, food banks, homeless, citizens Advice etc etc the list is huge!
With regards to your situation I would echo the advice to get help for your mental health. I got some free counselling a few years ago from a charity that supports carers. You also are a carer have you contacted any charities that support people who care for others? It might also be worth talking to your GP and alerting them to your caring duties.
Work sounds awful! I have worked in the past in a toxic work environment and can testify that it has a huge mental health toll! I would start looking for another job without delay if you can do so expand your search to part time roles. I used a specialist recruitment agency who find staff in my profession and got a lovely role in a different organisation where I was very happy.
Try to find activities outside the home just for you, join a walking group if you like walking, or a book group (my library runs one yours may too) may be volunteer yourself at the weekend for something in a local community group, I helped out with a local community group planting vegetables in community spaces for local people to use for free, and also got involved in some fund raising for homeless charities which got me meeting new people and actively involved in the community. Its important to make a start with your own well being as someone else said your mood will also effect the household
You feel as if your family are on their own with problems but this is really not true! Mine have some awful issues going on at the moment but if you met us or looked at our face book or insta posts you would only see the good stuff and funny things going on! I confide in a couple of close friends when I need to and that helps as well

Coffee First, I hope your daughter feels better soon.

You write more than once that you feel lost. I guess you mean you can't decide what to do next to make things better for your daughter and yourself, firstly in relation to each other , and secondly as separate people.

These are different problems. With regard to yourself, you need to stop thinking of your daughter as a companion, and seek more company outside your family. You like meeting others. How did you meet others before you married? Certainly covid makes meeting others more difficult but there are ways such as outdoors at a pub beer garden, or pavement cafe. There are websites where women can get in touch with others for small social events like coffee or hobbies, even in time of pandemic.

About your job, would you feel able to quietly tell your employer you want to be helpful, and ask your employer what it is they want from you that perhaps you are not providing as an employee?

I’m rather new to this so still finding my way about.

We are still waiting to hear back from the psychologist but thank you seasider that is something we have recently become aware of having a coach. It’s been a minefield as we’ve never had to deal with this until now. Best of luck as regards your son.
It’s not been easy getting to this point.

The civil service was recently recruiting lots of temporary staff and they are a very inclusive employer. After training some of the jobs could be done from home. My son is waiting to be diagnosed for adult ADHD but has had several part time jobs while at college. He just needs very clear instructions what is expected of him. Has your daughter got a DWP work coach who can help her look for suitable jobs or apprenticeships ?

maybe you missed the now deleted one.
perhaps she just speaks in the third person about herself.
sometimes.

Has she?
I read it that she was thanking others for posting and mulling over what had been suggested.
Am I the one missing something?
?

Daisymae

Why has the OP replied to her own post? Am I missing something??

i got confused by that ...?

This discussion has been mostly about you, but... the person at the centre of the problem is your DD, but she should not be allowed to think of herself as a problem. What does she think about her diagnosis? How did her ADHD manifest itself before it was diagnosed? Has she seen her psychologist/psychiatrist to discuss why the pills didn't work? They should be able to work out a way to tackle it but she needs to share - and ultimately take - responsibility for her own treatment. It sounds as if she is not in control but if she does have control that could make all the difference.

What other treatment has been offered instead?

It is not uncommon to try several options before finding what works

@Sago; sadly the medication didn’t work. I think that is another reason why she is so down too.
I would love to do a new hobby with her but it’s finding the right fit for us to give something a go. I’ve been looking for a while now., guess lockdown doesn’t help.

Why has the OP replied to her own post? Am I missing something??

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Please get some help - counselling maybe. Also, plan your life around you and don’t rely on other people for happiness. Join a club or group.

Hi there, I worked with young adults with ADHD, sadly the medication caused as many problems as the ADHD.
Dry mouth,ittatibility,insomnia,weight gain the list goes on..
So some of your daughters behaviour could be the meds.

People with ADHD are often very talented, I think you need to work as a family to find some way for your daughter to channel her energy.

Try looking at some one day/taster courses, sometimes DHSS will fund the right course.

My daughter recently did a days silversmith course, she loved it and is now thinking of retraining.

Perhaps you could do something together?
It sounds as though a new hobby or interest could help you at the moment.

Good luck and keep us informed.

Thank you all for responding and your kind comments.

@nanna8; yes you are spot on, she’s creative. Nothing like me I may add, but I’m pleased she has that.

@Urmstongran; I’m an avid walker but it’s more getting her out that’s the issues. She says it’s too hot, too cold, so I land up going on my own instead. I don’t have so many good friends but a few that I chat with now and then. Extended family live miles away and keep themselves to themselves. I’ve tried to do more, no luck there.

@welbeck; she’s been trying to get work with no luck yet. Some of the forms are ridiculously long and she has limited experience. I wouldn’t mind but the jobs she’s applying for are in retail. We need more specialist help with her having ADHD so will be looking into that.

@Cafeaulait; I’m so sorry to hear you are going through similar. It’s very very hard isn’t it..

You can only be as happy as your unhappiest child is certainly true...my heart aches but I will have to keep on going..

Thanks again for your support.

coffee first off you are not alone I think life is often not as you expect or want it to be for so many of us and equally there are many of us alone
First off stop sitting in alone no one is going to come knocking on the door looking for you, you say you like chatting shopping, coffee Ask anyone who you vaguely like if they want to meet up for a coffee or see if there is anything that you enjoy doing and join a small group …. Walkers, knitter and natter, reading group whatever you like doing
Start a chat with anybody when your out , bus stop, in the shops I ve made good friends just from a simple “gosh it’s bitter today” or “is this bus ever going to come” I ve ended up listening to life stories
men aren’t always good talkers especially about feelings but can you and your husband do something together other than shopping on your day off go for a walk, visit a garden centre, stick a pin in a map of your area and visit it
Once you are happier you will be more able to help your daughter but you ve got to get yourself in a better place first
Have you had any counselling there are long waiting lists on NHS but there are charity services free or for a small fee well worth it to get things off your chest and out your head
Try the health shop for st John’s wort or some hormonal help
Reach out ….sitting alone will only get worse

CoffeeFirst, I understand. I am in a very similar situation. It's not easy. Just wanted to let you know you aren't alone.

CoffeeFirst it is good you are reaching out to people here, it is anonymous and you can say whatever you like. A good place to let off steam. I can’t add much to what others say and agree that menopause can make things seem a whole lot worse, I remember that well. Now you have a husband who might be on a different planet from you but he is at least there! You have a job so at least you can escape now and then. Your daughter sounds a lot like mine did when they were living at home. They do change once they leave, believe me! She sounds like someone who needs a lot of space, possibly a creative type ? Don’t worry about crying, it is a good safety valve. Me, I used to lock myself in the bathroom and do the same when the kids were all at home. I hope you start to feel better soon. Tomorrow is another day as they say.

So sorry you are going through a rough time.

I think you are mixing several independent items together:
1. Your daughter' adhd and anxiety- she must be going through a rough time too. I hope she will find a solution that addresses her condition
I think her ability to find work could be linked to this as well.

Her future: she will do great!

2. Your relationship with your daughter is not what you would like it to be: your personalities dont gel. She gets along better with her father. You like what she doesnt like
And that's ok! She is your daughter, I think you may want more of a friend kind of relationship

3. Your job- why not look for another one? A bad relationship with your manager, if not addresses, can end with bad circumstances for you

4. You dont feel close to your eldest and he lives far away - what do you consider close? Are you in touch with him?

5. You seem to display symptoms of anxiety and depression - please talk to a doctor, that cannot help the general morale of the home

6. You compare your family with other families, how they are seen from the outside.
Tbat is a huge mistake, you do not know what happens behind close doors.

Please take care of yourself first and everything will fall in the right place.

Instead of concentrating on your perceived sources of unhappiness, why not seeing the positive?

Your daughter has a diagnosis and she can look for a solution

You have a job now, which makes it easier to find another one

You know what you like (shopping, coffee, etc) why not share those activities with friends?

CoffeeFirst, that is how I felt, it wasn’t until I was through menopause that I realised how much it affected me.
It is hard with a daughter who you love so much to go through such a difficult time. Urmstongran is right our emotional well being is very much tied to the happiness of our child. Can you find some common ground with your daughter that is not tied to her anxiety or ADHD. What is she interested in?

maybe your daughter could find some work that she can do at home, on her computer.
i hope you feel a bit better soon.
try to go for a walk everyday, even if only a short one.
all the best.

@jumbly; I’m currently going through the menopause but haven’t had it as bad as some I’ve heard about. I feel so lost right now and don’t want my daughter to be going through this stress.

I think ‘a mum can only be as happy as her unhappiest child’ rings true but then I’m a bit of a softie. You are stressed and upset about your daughter.

Fresh air & exercise will do her the power of good if you can encourage it. Perhaps walk & talk together? I read once too that difficult conversations held side by side (as in walking or sitting in a car together) are less confrontational than face to face ones.

Can you try to help her think of jobs she might be able to do? Perhaps ones with little interaction with others would be a comfortable starting place for her.

At present you are sad, frightened and upset. Family life isn’t what you’d hoped it would be. But that doesn’t mean things won’t improve. Look after yourself in the interim. (Put on your own oxygen mask before helping others). As you gain control you will find your confidence in life returning. I’m sure it hasn’t always been like this.

I hope you have friends yourself. Or a close family member you trust and can confide in. That will boost your coping mechanisms. Your husband means well, but men often don’t ‘do’ analytical emotional stuff. You need someone to lean on, share the load and help you find a balance.

It won’t always be this bleak I promise. In the meantime I wish you well. Good things may be peeping at you right now, just round the corner. You just can’t see them yet. But they are there. Take heart. x

Firstly CoffeeFirst, most families have challenges and heartaches, it is easy to think you are the only one.
What age are you? You sound to me to be maybe at the age where menopause can be an issue. When I look back at my mental health during menopause years it was a rough time.
My advice would be to get some help, see your doctor and if you feel too maybe a menopause expert. If menopause isn’t the issue find someone you can talk to, get some counselling from a professional. You have been looking after your family don’t forget to look after yourself.
Many women find this stage of life difficult you are being stretched both ways with older parents and issues with your child as well.

@mattsmum; she’s 22 now. It wasn’t picked up at school unfortunately.