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Should we go ahead and book....dilemma

(19 Posts)
bytheway Tue 08-Jun-21 15:48:46

Three years ago DH and I went away for Xmas, it was lovely, We informed our adult children 8 months in advance so they knew and could make their own arrangements, which was largely fine as SD and her son tend to spend Xmas with her mother and SSons with their wives families or just at home with their own small children.

Now to my dilemma, the only person left in this scenario is my own DD (34 and single, own home) I felt guilty to be leaving her but my hubby insisted we cannot put our lives on hold just because she is single. She made no arrangements and spent Xmas on her own even though there were a few places she could have gone.

To make it worse my 2 siblings slated me for leaving her behind on her own which just added to my feelings of guilt.

She is a very difficult person, extremely lazy when with us and when we have taken her on holiday she doesn’t lift a finger and expects me to do everything, cook, clean etc..and plan her itinerary...she takes no iniative at all, never seems to be enjoying herself. It drives my DH mad, tbh it drives me mad too and I always say ‘never again’

Anyway, DH has just raised the subject of the 2 of us going away for Xmas again and I can already feel the anxiety/guilt rising in my body.

So would you go? Am I a terrible mother?

H1954 Tue 08-Jun-21 15:56:20

No, you're not a terrible mother! If DD is as bad as you say then you deserve the break away, just you and your DH, with no extra "baggage". She's an adult now and should be able to stand on her own two feet.

Scribbles Tue 08-Jun-21 16:01:39

You say your daughter never seems to be enjoying herself when she goes away. Maybe that's because she isn't? Perhaps she enjoys her own company in her own home?
Whatever, she's an adult and perfectly capable of making her own arrangements to spend Christmas alone, with friends, on a cruise or whatever else she fancies.
We don't all enjoy gregarious family Christmases so leave her be.
If going away together is what makes you and your husband happy, just do it and have a great time.

Jaxjacky Tue 08-Jun-21 16:10:39

I’d book it, it’s your time now, as she’s independent she can make her own choices. If your siblings make a comment you could suggest one, or both of them invite her to theirs for Christmas.

Devorgilla Tue 08-Jun-21 16:11:04

No, you are not a terrible mother. I would tell the family what you are going to do, book and go off and enjoy the break. If her siblings are that agitated about it they can invite her to their Christmas do. As Scribble says, perhaps she enjoys her own company.

twinnytwin Tue 08-Jun-21 16:12:39

You should go - guilt free. You went three years ago, so you've had Christmas with your DD since then. We can't always put our children first, especially once they're adults. If your siblings are so bothered, perhaps one of them could invite her to spend Christmas with them? I don't like to remind everyone, but we've no idea how long we have to enjoy the company of our other halves, so if it makes you both happy, go and make the most of it.

Teacheranne Tue 08-Jun-21 16:19:25

Could you ask your daughter if she’d like to go with you - with her paying for herself of course?

I have a daughter aged 34 and I would not leave her alone at Christmas unless I knew she would be with other family members. I’d try to sort an invite out for her. But my family would not leave her, or anyone, on their own either.

My sister, husband and two children are thinking of going away for Christmas next year and she has already told my son, daughter and brother to make sure I am included in someone’s Christmas Day plans!

Oopsadaisy1 Tue 08-Jun-21 17:29:58

Personally we wouldn’t have a good time if we knew that our daughter was alone for Christmas.

You say she is ‘your’ daughter, is your DH not her father? Maybe that’s why he isn’t worried about it.

I figure that I’m doing Christmas for us anyway, wherever we are and one extra isn’t going to be a problem and if you are eating out, or staying in a Hotel, then she could chip in and pay her way.
One of our best Christmases was hiring a house in Charlestown in Cornwall for the whole family, if our single DD couldn’t have come then I wouldn’t have enjoyed it at all.
But that’s just me ……

Nanny2020 Fri 25-Jun-21 14:01:30

I agree with the last 2 posts . I couldn’t enjoy myself if I knew she was alone . I think a good honest chat with her would be helpful to figure out what she really does want and how she feels while away with you as you sensed she wasn’t having a great time etc.,then you’ll be free to leave her or she will come along hopefully with a better attitude . and if she pays for some of her way that might ease the resentment you both feel if she doesn’t help etc . Alternately if you have family that will be sure to include her, that would also be good !
Any indecision like this is a huge source of stress and anxiety for sure!! So talk soon and you will feel so much better and then look forward to a nice trip !

Namsnanny Fri 25-Jun-21 14:08:30

Is it a hotel or shared accommodation*bytheway*?
If it's the former, you all can come and go as you please. Sometimes together for say meals or the occasional social thing.
Is she depressed do you think? That level of stagnation leads me to think that.

Fleur20 Fri 25-Jun-21 14:15:33

She lives independently for 364 days of the year.. so why cant she make her own plans for the other 1? If she was really unhappy being alone at Christmas she would do something about it. Some people actually ENJOY a solitary Christmas day.. a time of calm and self indulgence after a busy period of work, shopping etc..
There is absolutely no need to organise her!

Hithere Fri 25-Jun-21 14:27:01

She is 34, not 12.

I am sure when will be fine.

DiscoDancer1975 Fri 25-Jun-21 15:00:28

Good grief no....she’s 34! We are parents forever, but not parenting. Go and enjoy your holiday😊

Toadinthehole Fri 25-Jun-21 15:07:00

I must admit, it would make me feel sad, if I thought we could still have had a good time with her there, and she would enjoy it, but judging by your fourth paragraph, this doesn’t seem to be the case, in which case, I would go and enjoy my holiday, with a view to perhaps doing something with everyone on another occasion.
I wouldn’t have thought she’d want to spend it with you anyway, just her. A group family holiday may be better, then if she’s still miserable, maybe that’s a separate issue you need to address.

NotTooOld Fri 25-Jun-21 17:31:17

Definitely go. It's time she made her own arrangements. Hope you have a lovely time.

CafeAuLait Sat 26-Jun-21 01:41:43

If you're going to feel guilty, and that will ruin your trip, can you go away are new year or another week instead of right over Christmas? That's probably how I would approach it.

I don't think you should feel guilty though. You're allowed to do things just you and DH. If your siblings feel so bad for your DD, why don't they do something with her?

Your DD might not mind being alone for Christmas. I don't care for Christmas that much and would be very happy just doing my own thing at home. Have you asked her what she thinks?

Esspee Sat 26-Jun-21 07:23:15

She is 34, not 4.
Have a lovely time and please cut the apron strings. She has other family even if she has no friends.

Ali08 Tue 29-Jun-21 09:01:09

I think you should both go and enjoy yourselves, while you can!!
Your daughter is old enough to do what she wants and maybe just went that time because she felt she had to, being as she's the unattached child with no dependants!!
The interfering family members can invite her along to spend Christmas with them if they're that bothered!
Book your holiday (probably better to avoid abroad at the moment, just in case) then tell your family, like you did last time, and explain to people that she isn't a child anymore and is quite an independent woman and if they feel so badly then they are very welcome to invite your daughter to theirs at Christmas, which she may enjoy more than spending it 'with the oldies'!!!

Oldbat1 Tue 29-Jun-21 11:55:33

She is an adult for goodness sake. If she normally lives independently and doesn’t have any special needs then go ahead and do what you want to do. You can’t live other people’s lives for them.