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Tips on encouraging ‘pleases and thank yous’ , please!

(20 Posts)
Mwdebbie Mon 21-Jun-21 17:07:13

Our two local grandchildren who are delightful, come every week after school for a play and their tea. They’re 8 and 11, bright, responsive, very well-socialised apart from in one respect. They have to be prompted to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ pretty much every time and I expect this to come automatically at their age / stage. Their parents are polite and thoughtful people but don’t insist on it at home.
I’m going to chat with them (the grandchildren!) about it, ask why they think please and thank you are expected and state a clear expectation on my part that in our house, this is what should happen. Any thoughts and experiences to share please? Thanks in advance.

greenlady102 Mon 21-Jun-21 17:09:36

I'd discuss this with the parents before you go any further......

greenlady102 Mon 21-Jun-21 17:10:02

PS I do agree with you about please and thank you IN PRINCIPLE

Mattsmum2 Mon 21-Jun-21 17:18:37

Never used to let go of what I was offering to my children unless they said ‘ thank you’, seemed to work. And the please stare most often got the required ‘please’ if they wanted something and I wouldn’t give in unless they said it. It sank in x

MiniMoon Mon 21-Jun-21 17:22:22

I used the same strategy Mattsmum. It worked for me, and my DD insists upon please and thank you, and good manners in general.

MerylStreep Mon 21-Jun-21 17:22:48

I had this with just one of the grandchildren. I warned her that the next time I sent money and there was no thankyous there would be no more money. Good as gold now 😄

CanadianGran Mon 21-Jun-21 17:24:21

Repeat, repeat, repeat.

With my 7 and 5 year old, I use the "pardon, didn't hear you", 'ask again nicely', and the raised-eyebrow granny stare, if manners are not offered. They are usually pretty good.

I realize it is not up to us to instill manners on children, but I really can't see how prompting while in our company can hurt.

annodomini Mon 21-Jun-21 17:27:12

DS1 as a toddler would say 'Gagoo' and I'd say 'Good boy'. Then he conflated them and said 'Gagooboy'. He was a polite boy and is a nice, polite gent!

Nonogran Mon 21-Jun-21 17:28:04

“What’s the magic word?” worked for mine.

Calendargirl Mon 21-Jun-21 17:28:28

Mattsmum2

Never used to let go of what I was offering to my children unless they said ‘ thank you’, seemed to work. And the please stare most often got the required ‘please’ if they wanted something and I wouldn’t give in unless they said it. It sank in x

I agree.

Calendargirl Mon 21-Jun-21 17:30:09

But they are getting a bit old for this (see previous answer). Works better with younger children.

Luckygirl Mon 21-Jun-21 17:45:20

My GC respond to Grandma's "look" - they know what it means and they know what to do - and they do it!

timetogo2016 Mon 21-Jun-21 17:45:26

I never had that problem with my sons or grandchildren,but omg my step children were a nightmare.
I held the plate etc until they said those magic words as i refered to them as.
They caught on after a few weeks.

Cherrytree59 Mon 21-Jun-21 17:57:50

For a please - just wait, check watch or raise eyebrows

For a thank you or thanks - Ditto

Both will be forth coming eventually .smile

JackyB Mon 21-Jun-21 18:26:05

I agree with everyone on the classic methods, plus my DH always asks for the "PIN" or the password. Well, he doesn't always have to ask.

We just assume that this is what the parents expect. I also tell DGS that he might put his elbows on the table at ours but he should know that it is not good manners.

If he eats with his mouth open I say the same, although that is not manners, but plain decency.

We treat it lightly but do point these things out so he learns to consider the other people at the table.

trisher Mon 21-Jun-21 18:40:16

I always used "What's the magic word?" -it did produce some amusing answers when they grew older.
I think the most important thing is that you constantly model the language you want them to use. So if you are asking them to do something always use please. If they do someting to help or hand you something always say thank you.
It constantly amazes me how many adults expect children to be polite but never treat them with respect.

PaperMonster Mon 21-Jun-21 20:38:21

My daughter’s ten and if there’s no please, I do the raised eyebrow thing! If there’s no thank you I say “thank you mummy” and then she remembers to say it!!

Mattsmum2 Mon 21-Jun-21 21:13:55

Calendargirl

But they are getting a bit old for this (see previous answer). Works better with younger children.

I still say it to my 32 and 23 year olds if they slip up!

3nanny6 Mon 21-Jun-21 21:24:44

My dear GC are not taught it at home by their mother (my daughter). My children were all brought up to have manners but she does not bother with her own children.
Whenever I give them something I make a point to tell them to say thank-you and also encourage the please word.
I am polite in shops and always say please and thank-you after all manners cost nothing and are pleasant.
I often hear younger children in shops asking their parents for things and often do not hear a please or thank-you, far from how my parents brought me up.

Mwdebbie Mon 21-Jun-21 22:44:04

Thanks so much for your thoughts and responses, very helpful.