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In laws childcare

(12 Posts)
Seekingviews Thu 22-Jul-21 01:28:04

I am on maternity leave but going back to work in less than 2 months. My in laws will be doing a days childcare. We were happy to have my daughter in nursery but my mum asked to do one day and so we asked my in laws if they also wanted to (to be fair). They agreed and said (I think half jokingly) they’d be upset if we hadn’t asked.

My question is would it be unreasonable to say we want them to have our daughter on this one day at their house not ours? We’ll both be working from home and so it would be very distracting as one of us will need to work downstairs and the other upstairs.

The reason I ask is because my in laws to date have always seemed really reluctant to have my daughter at theirs. They generally like to see her twice a week and visit me and my daughter for a couple of hours up to half a day. I have previously asked if they’d like to have her for a regular afternoon at theirs instead. I thought it would be nice for them to have one on one time with her and meant they could still see her as regularly without me in their hair. They will sometimes have her but always revert back to asking to visit her at ours instead. So they seem to have a strong preference for seeing her here. They’ve also on various occassions given a good range of reasons as to why they can’t have her at theirs. All of which I accept and empathise with. And they certainly don’t owe me childcare on maternity leave.

However it makes me concerned about where they expect to care for her when I go back to work. My partners assured me they’ve preciously discussed it and they’re having her at theirs. But some of the reasons they’ve given previously for preferring or needing to visit here won’t have changed.

So firstly can I check it unreasonable to ask that they do the childcare at theirs? The only alternative would be for her to go to nursery which I’m more than happy to pay for but I don’t want to set that out in case it sounds like a threat.

Secondly do you think it’s unreasonable to ask my partner to revisit the conversation with his parents to make sure we’re all on the same page?

I really don’t want to cause any upset and I don’t know how to go about this situation.

muffinthemoo Thu 22-Jul-21 01:33:42

I don’t think it’s unreasonable, given that you work from home. That is a legitimate reason to have a preference for out of home care.

I think you and your partner need to be clear in advance whether this is a dealbreaker, though. If your dealbreaker is that the childcare has to be out of the house, you need to make this clear (in an appropriate way) to your in laws ASAP so that they can consider whether they are willing to offer that.

What reasons did they give for why they can’t have baby at theirs? You said they were good reasons; have you changed your assessment of this?

Spice101 Thu 22-Jul-21 01:33:57

I don't think it is unreasonable to ask. We actually prefer to have the GC at our place as it means we can still do things as needed - obviously without impacting on the care.
The downside is that there are not the usual playthings that they have at home but ours are older and in your case probably not an issue. However, if your PIL have reasons they don't want to do childcare at their place then you need to accept that.

Seekingviews Thu 22-Jul-21 01:52:24

Okay thanks both. It’s good to know it’s reasonable to ask. Hopefully they will just say yes and so I’ve hopefully overthought this.

CafeAuLait Thu 22-Jul-21 02:59:53

Just ask them. You have good reasons to not have care in your home. If they really can't or don't want to have your child in their home, then you have to decide whether they can come to yours or if they don't do that day at all. Do they have safety concerns about their place? I mean, if I look around my home, it is most definitely not set up for very young children anymore. :-)

Newmom101 Thu 22-Jul-21 08:25:00

It makes more sense for them to have her at theirs if you work from home. Have they ever looked after her alone? Maybe they’re wary of looking after a young baby? I’d be double checking they actually want to do childcare.

Also, if you’re going back in 2 months it would be a good idea to do some trial sessions first at theirs (especially as they’ve been reluctant so far) with them looking after her alone. You don’t want to start in 2 months and then find that actually it’s not going to work for them and have to scramble to find a nursery place.

Casdon Thu 22-Jul-21 08:39:28

If they do prefer to look after your little one from your house because of keeping things consistent for the child, why don’t you ask if you could swap houses for the day, so you could work from their quiet house whilst they are at yours?

Nonogran Thu 22-Jul-21 08:48:49

It is not unreasonable to ask that your little one be cared for at theirs.
As someone above has suggested, reopen the conversation with your husband & together in the same room if you can, speak to his parents.
As you are happy enough to send her to nursery, in reality, all the balls are in your court.
Get it out in the open again so you can relax & enjoy your last few weeks with baby.
There are lots of families who cope with childminding at their place. Tiny ones don’t need that many toys etc & clean change of clothes can be packed off with her every visit. Eventually, you’ll all get into a routine with that kind of thing.

Lucca Thu 22-Jul-21 08:54:29

Difficult to say when we don’t know what their reasons for not wanting to do childcare at their home?

However you sound as if you are being very reasonable about things !

ElaineI Thu 22-Jul-21 09:34:33

I think you have to be quite clear so best to check as they will need some equipment - easier to have the basics otherwise it takes ages to pack and unpack from the car. I mean things like travel cot/cot, highchair, some toys that stay there, bowls, cups/bottles etc. Some of these can be transported of course but we found it easier to have things ourselves. DD1 had a laminated plan for the day (she is a teacher) - nap times, cues, what to offer food and drink wise. DD2 (nurse) was quite happy we knew how to look after a baby so didn't do this. Depends on how you feel. But best to be clear from the start. I don't think having a baby/toddler/under 5 yo in the house is good for WFH as invariably they want mummy and will cry if they are not able to reach you which will be distracting if you are trying to work. Lots of people of course have been doing this for the last year and a half but from my DDs experience - it is not easy.

Smileless2012 Thu 22-Jul-21 09:39:17

It's not an unreasonable request especially as you'll be working from home but if they appear to be reluctant I would try and find out what their concerns are.

Is Casdon's suggestion a viable one? Working from their house while they look after your D at yours.

DiscoDancer1975 Thu 22-Jul-21 09:49:14

This is your chid. Her welfare is paramount. You should converse as much as is needed for you to feel safe in leaving your daughter with them.

What were their reasons for not wanting to care for their granddaughter in their own home? When I took my first granddaughter for three days a week, ( my son’s child), we had to make changes in the house. We were fortunate to have a ‘ playroom’, which our children had, but still needed gates etc. To be honest, it’s was so much easier for me to care for her in my house.

So, to answer your questions:
1. Of course you can ask them to look after her at their house. It’s your call.
2. Yes, you should have that final chat to make sure you all know what you’re doing.

If you’re not happy with anything, don’t leave her. You’re not obliged to do anything at all when it comes to your child. Being ‘ fair’, although a nice thing to do, isn’t necessarily best for your child.