Granparenting Dilemma

It does sound messy. I'm not sure what the best approach is. If they don't trust you, it's going to be difficult no matter what. I'd consider something like taking each sibling group separately, if that might help. Though that won't necessarily get you out of accusations of favouring one of the children over another. Probably you just have to set your own boundaries about what you are willing to do, how it will work (i.e., no calls 2-3 times a day, maybe once at an agreed time), and then leave the ball in their court as to whether they accept it or not.

Excellent advise from CafeAuLait.

Is this normal behavior for her? Did something happen in the last year that would cause her to have anxiety surrounding her kids?

I would hesitate to set boundaries with her kids. That is a first class ticket to never being able to take those kids on holiday. I would invite her to dinner and ask her how you can help her feel more comfortable when you have the kids on holiday.

I wonder if she has been emotionally affected by the pandemic?

*Increased apparently OTT anxiety about her children?
*Focus on a perceived imbalance/favouritism and looking for things to "prove" her theory!?
*Possibly making comments about you/perceived criticisms from you to her children ...(or them overhearing) conversations) ...the kids response re vegetarian sausages suggest that they are feeling that they have to justify/block potential/expected criticism before it happens!?

The question from SIL is very significant ...clearly the narrative from your daughter is "favouritism", whether fair or not. You might find it helpful to consider various events over time from HER perspective/how events might have looked to HER, however they were meant or viewed by you may not be the same.

Coming to find you seems reasonable to me ...they probably wanted to see their kids having not seen them for a few days (I assume kids were on the stroll with you)

I think the suggestion of a chat about how to make her feel more comfortable when you take kids away is a good one. Also though, I would ask her why SIL asked that question of husband. Ask her if she feels that DSs kids are favoured? Ask her to explain what has made her feel that way. And really listen. Try not to justify, explain, just listen until she has finished. Then tell her you need a bit if time to think about what she has said, thank her for explaining and leave it at that. Arrange another time to follow up, and really try not to let your emotions/sense of unfair accusation (if you feel that) get in the way of discussing the way forward.

Good luck. I do sympathise, a difficult position to be in

I have one daughter living three hours away with three children, one son, unmarried, one daughter who is living with us at the moment with three children.
You have no idea of the jealousy and resentment involved, lockdown obviously hasn’t helped because we’ve seen so much less of them.
Daughter one has openly accused us of favouring the other children, they took their three on an amazing holiday, daughter two couldn’t afford a holiday so we said we would rent an apartment at the seaside for a week, daughter one welcome to join us, she kicked off so badly, that we cancelled it, apparently no concerns that her little nieces and nephew wouldn’t have a holiday.
I have to watch everything I say, avoid telling her things, it’s very wearing.
My husband says she’ll be like this until daughter two moves out, what she fails to understand is, that it’s not easy for us with them living here, and she makes it harder.
I partly get it, because she’s always had this massive fear of missing out, but she’s the one who moved away.
I really feel for you, it seems you can’t do right for doing wrong, but sadly I don’t know what the answer is.
I’m not sure about the chat idea, I think it could open a massive can of worms, and things might be said that can’t be taken back.

How sad Sara that you cancelled your holiday so the children living with you didn’t have a holiday at all, just to appease your other very selfish daughter who took her kids on an ‘amazing’ holiday. I hope you don’t do that again.

I’m not sure about the chat idea, I think it could open a massive can of worms, and things might be said that can’t be taken back.

The trouble is that unless a chat happens and therefore acknowledges there is a problem, I think the whole issue gets bigger and bigger with more and more negative impact on a wider group of people.

It is so sad Sara that your nieces and nephews missed out because of your other daughters issues. The message given there might seem to her to be "shout loud and get my own way" and to your other daughter who missed out on the holiday " if ......shouts loud enough, her shouting takes priority over everyone else!"

I truly do understand how difficult this is, and how wearing, having experienced similar. I learnt the hard way that one person getting their own way doesn't work, it makes things worse for everyone. So sorry that you and Nanatuesday are going through this

Madgran
Thanks for your comments, I completely understand what you mean by having a conversation, but cowardly as I am, I feel that there would be so many accusations thrown, that it would be very hard to get past it.
Daughter two is very easy going, and she too tries to keep the peace, she hates confrontation.
It’s not bad all the time to be fair, she goes through phases, and then we’re all meant to second guess what’s wrong.
We all love her, and I think it stems from unhappiness, so we try not to rock the boat.

Sara1954 I can see that process. Its hard isn't it. Onwards and upwards eh!