Grandparents don't help or make effort

I didn't have to be asked! My DIL has her parents a 5 minute car ride away but I was working in London. However, I didn't take any holidays as such...when I had leave (very generous 6 weeks per year) I would drive up to the north and help out. My DIL's mother was dependant on her for care, so I felt duty bound to go and give support whenever I could. I would take my first grand-child out in the pram for long walks so my DIL could get some rest or a bit of space for herself. I had another 2 grand-children and would spend as much time as my job would allow to spend time with them and give parents support. When my last grand-child was born, and after several chats with my son & DIL, I decided to leave my job and relocate so I could be the secondary carer for my little grand-daughter. I got part-time work and when I wasn't working I was minding my little grand-daughter. When my DIL returned to work after M/L, I carried on spending as much time looking after my grand-daughter as I could. This would often entail being with her from 7am until sometimes late at night (helping out with tea times, bathing ad infinitum). I never felt as though I was interfering but that my help and support were necessary and invaluable. Distance should be no object in my opinion because there are ways around this.

I was sorry to read this, I haven’t read all the responses but what I have read has shocked me. I completely understand why you are upset that these grandparents can be so detached. It’s not you that needs professional help, you are obviously warm and caring, it’s their attitude that’s questionable. We’re grandparents in-law, and live a good few miles away but are as hands on as possible with our grandchildren, why wouldn’t you be?

I am so sorry you feel you are not being supported and if i was your mother in law I would be there in a flash. I unfortunately have the opposite situation from you. If i wish to see my only grandchild I have to visit him at his house. Even though I get on really well with my DIL she never visits on her own with baby and her choice of baby sitters is her mum or brother. I have offered help, i have phoned - i never visit without asking and i ask what my GS eats etc so as to keep to his routine. I think some MIL dont realise how lucky they are to be wanted and not feel they are on the outside looking in. I hope your MIL changes as she will be missing out on so much xx

I agree with everyone who says it's their loss. My DC once asked if 'nanny' loved her other grandchild (her DD'd)more than her as she made it obvious that her DD's children were far more important. She never offered help with anything, not even the washing up, but would come and stay for 2 or 3 weeks at a time. When her DD had a child she was hands on with everything.

I haven't noticed age of 2 babies, but very similar. One angle to look.at might be, Oh, so great they are the same age will be great for them to be friends. They should get together right from the off. Frank but non judgemental discussion with DH seems called for as well.

Just want to send you a big hug. It must be very hard for you and I quite understand your feelings. Being a new Mum is overwhelming and it is such a shame that your parents in law are so unsupportive and missing out on being part of your lives. I would love to be a surrogate Grandmother to your little one too.

Gosh the OP really doesn’t like anything that doesn’t thoroughly support everything she says!!
If she’s actually wanting to hear other peoples opinions and thoughts she has to accept there will be conflicting ideas - preferably without having a go at them - as she has several times throughout this thread - even swearing at one poster!
I’d better not give my opinion or risk a verbal attack!

I’m interested in why you moved 15 mins away from your in-laws and now live 4 hours away from your parents? I ask because my daughter and SIL did exactly the same thing, although I am an hour and a half away. This was to live in my SIL home town but it really upset me and I am still resentful at times years later. My daughters MIL was very helpful early on but when more grandchildren arrived not so much. It’s not the priority of every grandparent particularly if it’s not their daughters who is the mother. Invite them more often and see if they come.

I think it’s a poor show that they didn’t even make a polite offer of help, knowing that your own parents are so far away. Everyone needs a little support with a new baby, even if it’s just as you say someone to watch the baby while you have a shower. Maybe your partner could talk to them about it?

Kzzharr

Hi everyone! Lots of useful and then also really unhelpful comments on here, there are clearly two types on grandparents. The ones who are lovely and caring and want to see the little ones grow up and the ones who see it as a chore.

I don't understand why people have children if in the future they don't want to make the most of their children's children.
I have invited them round, we've been put for walks (during lockdown) I asked if she wanted to push the pram but she didn't.
I send regular photos and updates but she reads the messages and then doesn't reply. In fact, once she replied a couple of weeks later and then asked me to do go to the shop for her. As if I didn't have enough on my plate. My partner is constantly doing things for them, muchore than the daughters do as I think he is seeking approval but there is a clear preference. We asked whether she'd like to look after baby when I go back to work, maybe a morning every now and then but she politely declined (which is absolutely fine)
They are probably waiting for baby to get older when he's more 'fun' however by then, he won't have that special bond with them that he has with my parents. Like a few people have said, it's their loss isn't it.

I've done 37 years of parenting and, quite frankly, I want my own time! I love my grandchildren to bits but I'm tired and now my Mum needs my help. I will help my children out if they ask (and they do) but I don't actively go out of my way to volunteer because I just would like some time to do my own thing. When you have children, you take the help you can get gratefully but you have no right to expect somebody else to step in.
I also watched my lovely MIL do everything she could for her eldest 3 grandchildren whilst they were young but when her DIL suddenly whipped them off 250 miles away just as MIL became unable to travel, she was hurt to the core. It took her a long time to let her guard down for my child and she was far more hands off but we persevered; not for care for our child but just to build up the relationship. We could do no more than that.

I agree anna7. My daughter has this problem with her MIL .

Grandparents of son's children can't win! Show interest eg babysitting, taking baby for a walk, do some shopping etc, they are interfering, keep their distance to avoid such accusations, not interested. I belong to the first group and now only see grandchildren when they/she wants something. Basically been told to keep away by very controlling DIL!

I had nobody when I had my children. Parents were several hours away and in laws in the USA. I had no help...just hot on with it. Is it a modern thing that you need help with a new baby? As for in laws attitude....it is their loss. You can't change the way they are so don't blame any of this on yourself. x

I understand how you feel , very hurt I expect as I did with both my parents and inlaws . My inlaws doted on their own daughters children . They were taken on holidays , bought gifts and boasted about but I eventually accepted I wasnt their daughter and I didnt have the same relationship with them , none the less it still stung and my husband was hurt by it . We periodically invited them for Sunday lunch and they were distant but polite . They never brought anything for my children and I waited on them like a dutiful daughter in law .
My own parents already had 6 grandchildren before mine came along and the novelty and excitement had long worn off but they would babysit if asked and I knew they loved the children but they were older and exhausted by it all tbh .

I would invite them , it is difficult being a mother in law , you're treading a fine line between helping and interfering. Perhaps they feel they should be asked or invited.

I love my daughter in law and live near her but she has naturally a much closer relationship with her own mother .
When children arrive I think I will ask her if she would like help . I dont have a daughter so her children will never be last in my pecking order .

Many years later when my ageing mother in law needed help and became housebound I didnt rush to offer help , after all she had her own daughter and grandchildren for that didn't she !

I know you find it difficult, but I think this is one for your partner to deal with. They're HIS parents and (from what I gather from your post) he might need reminding that it's also HIS baby and he needs to sort this out.
As others have said, grand-parenting doesn't come that naturally to everyone. But I can quite see why you feel hurt. Good luck - hope it works out.

Be careful what you wish for.
Not all MIL's are like your own mother. My mother had a fantastic relationship with her MIL and I thought it would be the same for me. Not so.
We moved away so she had to phone before she made the journey. She raced to the hospital to try and beat my mother who had luckily got there before ,she blamed me that the baby was a c section I found out later she had had one herself. Then because my child had a splint on its hip's she would not let us visit until it was removed another slur she managed to put onto me.
I tried to include her and her lovely husband in family occasions but she always found a way of making her mark. She Even put me off having the baby christened in my family antique christening gown even though they did not have one. Tell your health visitor you are finding it difficult and in some areas they pair you up with a young woman who will come and help and give advice they have been trained to do so I think they are called Duena's or Duplas or join the NCT. Tell your husband how you feel and if you still want her to help set a definite time and day each week.
Although I lived 100 miles away I opened the door one day to find my MIL standing on the step.I had no food and had planned to go shopping she came with me giving instructions on how to push the pram.
Think twice before you take any action.

You are probably missing your mum and we were in lockdown when you had the baby. Invite them round, but if they don`t show much interest sadly nothing you can do.

Maybe it’s a gender issue? Some people prefer girls to boys and vice versa. It’s not you , it’s maybe the fact your baby is male?
I’m just putting that out there for you to consider.
I hope you can let this go and enjoy your baby and concentrate on making your new family a safe and loving place for you all.
Love to you. X

I feel for you being away from your mum, added to the fact that you have grandparents close by who seem disinterested must make it doubly hard. You're being very thoughtful wanting them involved, particularly for your baby's sake as well as theirs. Not all grandparents are so lucky. As others have said, try asking a bit more x

As a MIL to my only GC I am very wary of imposing myself on DIL and child. I would never just drop in unannounced and am even nervous about phoning in case I interrupt work etc. I have dropped many hints about dropping GC off with me and DH while she and DS are working but it never happens. Not sure if she doesn't want to impose or just doesn't want it to happen. Very difficult for the MIL/DIL situation without complete frankness and I'm not contemplating that in case it causes any aggravation or ill feeling.

I think your M&F in law are very lucky to have such a warm hearted DiL as you. You may just have to accept that its going to be a bit of a one sided relationship which I hope improves with time. I wish my DiL was as kind hearted towards DH and me !

A bad parent or grandparent can equally be one who is there too much and overpowering.
I thought your statement was daft as it implied any grandparent who didn’t want to do childcare was not a good parent or grandparent.

I do enjoy looking after GC but that is not what makes me “good”

I stand by my "daft" statement.There are good,helpful,understanding Parents and Grandparents.And there are some who are awful and very bad! Im not saying anyone is bad by not being around 24/7 or not being able to babysit etc,but by not appearing to care or offer any support/help in those early days,especially during a Pandemic, are very selfish and thoughtless! I've been there with my inlaws.The bitterness runs deeply!Any parent or Grandparent who is never around is a bad Parent or Grandparent! Don't start silly debates,I would go to the ends of the earth for my children/Grandchildren!

Hi Kzzharr. It sounds like your MiL is very set in her ways and inward looking. Maybe she's mentally stuck in her old nest and not curious about what's going on in your exciting, new nest. Maybe she buys in to that old cliché "A son's a son 'til he takes a wife, but a daughter is a daughter all her life" and has put up some sort of psychological barrier between you. What was she like towards you when she learned you were going to whisk her son away?

You say you send her photos. Do any of them show her at her best with your baby? Something for her granny's boasting book?

You've survived the last, stressful year. Onwards and upwards. Whatever MiL chooses not to do ... her loss. And your little boy won't suffer. He'll have lots of other, nicer people looking out for him.

Well that was a daft statement by whoever,
Everyone is different.
I still think OP was unjustly accused of being entitled just because she is confused by in laws lack of interest.