Grandparents don't help or make effort

Kzzharr

Hello,

I'd like some advice. I had my baby last October. I live 4 hours away from my parents but 5 minutes from in laws. My parents have been so excited about getting a grandchild if a little sad they live so far away but make so much effort to send cards/visit and facetime.
My inlaws however are quite different. They have never offered to help from the beginning. We were in lockdown so this is totally understandable however they weren't very bothered by the rules. They have never really offered to pop round and say hello even just for a cup of tea. I really needed help with my baby in the early days and found it really tough being so far away from my mum. Even now as my baby is getting older they rarely come over and we always have to pop in if we want them to spend time together.
We have a niece and she is always there being looked after.
I often send photos to GM and get no replies. I want my baby to have a good relationship with them but it feels really forced and totally one sided. Am I missing something? Should I be doing something else? Are some people just not interested?

Just one thing - I know that I didn't have a baby to be looked after by other people but there is so little effort made to even spend time I'm just baffled.

Well what does your OH say about it ?

Are this set of grandparents still working?
They obviously have already got commitments with your niece - are they just weary from child-minding her?

Also, is the niece their daughter's baby? Or son's?
If it's a daughter's child then they may not feel as though they are "imposing".
I am a mother-in-law and very careful as I don't want my daughter-in-law to find me a nuisance. I wouldn't just drop in for example.

My inlaws were the same too. They just had my sister in laws children. It is just how it was
I wouldn't take it personal. Is there any way of getting a bit of outside help (paid for or otherwise) locally?

Grandparents are just ordinary people who have had children who have grown up and had children of their own, some just are not interested in children some have favourites.

The best thing to do is just accept that this is how they are and adjust your expectations to what they are willing to offer.
As JaneJudge said, it is unlikely to be anything personal, just the way they are.

Would you not invite your in-laws to visit maybe at tea time. When your husband is home from work or arrange for you to visit them with baby at lunch time.
We spend a couple of hours in my sons house and stay for tea we play with the twins. While my son and dil do little jobs and prepare the meal.
Sometimes you have to push a bit to get attention from people even relatives. I wait to be asked I never just turn up at my sons or daughters homes.

Niece is daughters and this is something I've thought about before. Both arrived around the same time.
I just think that they know how close I am with my mum and must surely know how difficult it is as a first time mum sobwould nice to be included in things sometimes and if it were me I'd at least make it known that they were there for help but like you say, maybe we just aren't the favourites!
I'm not expecting them to come over and babysit for hours but at the beginning, even just an offer of someone to come by and keep and eye on baby whilst I have a quick shower (partner was working) or to take him out in the pram for 15 mins. Literally, anything would've been better than nothing.
They are both retired but think like to keep themselves busy with their own projects and I guess they have their daughters so aren't as interested in us.
Grandma actually made a comment about how she was upset she thought wasn't the nieces favourite grandparent and I said ah well hopefully you can be our baby's but she didn't seem bothered.
It's not that I'm taking it personally, it's just very different from what my family is like but I guess not all families are the same and I'm learning
I haven't spoken to OH about this properly as he doesn't really understand. They are a close knit family and I've tried to say things delicately but don't want to upset him about it. Any tips on that would be greatly appreciated!

Not everyone is particularly interested in babies or small kids, even grandparents! In your shoes I’d stop looking for anything more than they’re prepared to give or offer. Just quietly back off & see what happens.

How was your relationship before baby?

I would extend them a invite for a visit - if they do not accept, I would drop the rope.

They may not be into your family, a really busy schedule, it is hard to asses the situation

What does your dh think of the lack of interest from his parents?

Have you actually asked them for help or are you waiting for them to volunteer?
Perhaps they just don't want to interfere.

Two thoughts occur to me.

1. If you need help, you should ask them if they are able to help. They aren’t mind-readers, and as they didn’t bring you up, they probably can’t guess what you’d like them to do. But don’t take offence if they say they can’t give you the help you ask for.

2. Why do you expect them to help or make an effort? Contrary to the impression you may have picked up on Gransnet, not all grandparents have a burning urge to do hand-on baby stuff. So they do some childcare for another grandchild - perhaps that is more than enough baby stuff for them. I have quite a few wonderful grandchildren, but I never do childcare or domestic help. I work (more than) full time in a demanding job and much as I love my grandchildren, I have neither the energy nor the inclination to undertake childcare or domestic help.

If you are struggling to cope, I suggest you get in touch with your health visitor. They will know what support is available locally and will be able to put you in touch with other new mums in your area, mother and baby groups and other ways that you can access help. Why not invite your mum down to stay for a few days?

In addition to parenting my own children and being a granny several times over I also used to teach parenting classes, so when my lovely daughter-in-law gave birth I made a deliberate decision to take a back seat so as not to risk undermining or overwhelming her. I also didn’t want to risk usurping the other granny’s role.

A couple of months after baby was born my son called me and asked why I wasn’t as involved with their baby as they’d anticipated. As soon as I gave my explanation I was invited to ‘get stuck in’ and have done so ever since. In fact the ‘baby’ is now almost 3 and is fast asleep upstairs right now. ?

It may be that your grandparents are simply waiting to be asked to take a more active role too

geekesse

Two thoughts occur to me.

1. If you need help, you should ask them if they are able to help. They aren’t mind-readers, and as they didn’t bring you up, they probably can’t guess what you’d like them to do. But don’t take offence if they say they can’t give you the help you ask for.

2. Why do you expect them to help or make an effort? Contrary to the impression you may have picked up on Gransnet, not all grandparents have a burning urge to do hand-on baby stuff. So they do some childcare for another grandchild - perhaps that is more than enough baby stuff for them. I have quite a few wonderful grandchildren, but I never do childcare or domestic help. I work (more than) full time in a demanding job and much as I love my grandchildren, I have neither the energy nor the inclination to undertake childcare or domestic help.

If you are struggling to cope, I suggest you get in touch with your health visitor. They will know what support is available locally and will be able to put you in touch with other new mums in your area, mother and baby groups and other ways that you can access help. Why not invite your mum down to stay for a few days?

I haven't got any impression from gransnet, I've very much got the impression that some grandparents are just a bit weird and not into their kids and grandchildren and clearly have favourites. It's odd as they have expected help and support from us which we've given happily during the pandemic. Just unfortunate that they don't have the capacity to help/show interest or be there for their family members.

My mum does the 8 hour round trip every 3/4 weeks but currently is working about 50 hours a week.
They on the other hand (now that we've moved) live 15 minutes away.

I feel sorry for my baby and any other person who has a grandparent like this. It's a good job he has my parents who engage and show him love as it would be awful if they were like them!

I actually haven't got any impression from this website because I don't have time to sit and read on it, just came across it and thought I'd ask for an opinion.
I expect them to make an effort because their family constantly talk about how close they are and my partner made a big thing about how excited his mum would be but clearly not!

grannyactivist

In addition to parenting my own children and being a granny several times over I also used to teach parenting classes, so when my lovely daughter-in-law gave birth I made a deliberate decision to take a back seat so as not to risk undermining or overwhelming her. I also didn’t want to risk usurping the other granny’s role.

A couple of months after baby was born my son called me and asked why I wasn’t as involved with their baby as they’d anticipated. As soon as I gave my explanation I was invited to ‘get stuck in’ and have done so ever since. In fact the ‘baby’ is now almost 3 and is fast asleep upstairs right now. ?

It may be that your grandparents are simply waiting to be asked to take a more active role too

Ahh that's so lovely! I have asked them to go for walks and pop round (both ours and theirs) but they're always so busy. When they've been round they also don't really interact with him and just want him to sit and play quietly without having to do much. It's difficult bringing up a baby pretty much alone in a pandemic with zero support network. I have other mum friends but they all have their families to help and are busy with their own lives and babies which is totally fair enough. To be honest, I've done the hardest year of my life pretty much alone, so I'm sure I'll be fine ?

It is so difficult being an in law, some DiLs resent almost any involvement by MiLs, others complain of lack of help. Have you actually discussed, face to face, what help you would like, and ask them if they could provide any of it? If you had rung them up saying 'I am exhausted, please could you take him out in the pram for half an hour?' what would their reaction have been? You need to be specific in expressing how they could help in specific situations.

It may be they are not comfortable with young babies, but until you actually have a heart to heart with them, you will never know.

It sounds to me as though your in-laws are hanging back because they are afraid of doing the wrong thing and being seen as interfering. If I were you I would ask them if they can help out on a specific occasion. Say that you need support and would they be willing to help just this one time. Then take it from there. If they say no then you will know not to ask again, if they say yes then the door is open for you to ask them a second time. Take it slowly. They may be much happier if they know exactly what you are asking of them, rather than committing themselves to open ended support.

Try asking them to visit, tell them what you need. Their response will tell you if they are sitting back waiting to be invited or whether they don't want to be too involved. They might be trying to avoid interfering. If they don't want to be very involved, there is nothing you can do but accept that this is the kind of grandparent they will probably be. It's nice if grandparents are involved but they aren't obligated to be so. Either way your baby will be fine. I never had grandparents involved and that was just what was normal to me as it was all I knew.

Ask them over for a cup of tea and cake. They maybe feel like they don't want to intrude. While they are with you could test the waters and see if they would like to look after the baby while you have your hair cut or whatever for a very short time. If there's reluctance then you have your answer. Or maybe they are waiting for an invite?

Kzzharr, they are not obliged to offer help or babysit for you. It seems that you had expectations that are not being met, that's all.

Do you invite them to visit or join you on outings?

Some of these comments are harsh! Sadly there are some parents/Grandparents who just don't bother.Im a Grandmother who would give anything to live close to my Grandchildren! I haven't been able to see them for 14 months now! Yet my Mother in law lives 2 minutes away from 3 of here DGC and wouldn't ever go and visit! I just don't understand it! Even just a quick call asking if you need anything,especially during lockdowns! Us good parents and GP will never understand the ones who just don't bother.My parents couldn't help me at all as they both worked long hours,but had scheduled visits,meals and quality time with the children.My DH side have never bothered and seem emotionally unattached.At the end of the day it's their loss.....

Maybe they’ve been reading MN and seeing all the many vociferous complaints about MiLs/PiLs, calling round too much, wanting to be too involved, too often offering to help.

We would love to be more involved with our only grandchild. We are fit and healthy and retired, and willing to do anything to help out, domestic, diy or childcare, and quickly respond to any little request. However, despite a seemingly good relationship before gc was born, and suggestions to help out, we only see gc about once a month these days. I am so wary of overstepping the mark. I have suggested popping down etc but dil always has an excuse. Previously she would pop in to see us but not now. Our relationship is getting more and more superficial and distant. It’s the same with other family members who make the effort, no interest from dil. Our family are very caring and close. We can’t say anything which could cause upset so just wait patiently and hope things will improve.

There are some really unhelpful comments on here. If I were
Kzzharr I'd be feeling really upset, never mind miffed, that the grandparents were showing such obvious favouritism towards their daughter's child while demonstrating complete lack of interest in their son's. She said she did not expect them to jump in and offer help but would just like them to pay attention to her child occasionally, which is surely not unreasonable. I agree that they should be invited round for a meal or a cup of tea but I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for them to get more involved.

I couldn't agree more tidyskatemum. It's very hurtful when grandparents show such obvious favouritism. I know from bitter experience.