Hi, this is my first post here and I'm sorry that it's a bit of a long vent! Thank you in advance to anyone who reads.
I'm a 33-year-old woman and I've always been close to my paternal grandparents. My Gran is 83 and we talk nearly everyday. My Grandad (who is actually my step-grandfather, not biological) is 72. We used to be closer but I feel like we've drifted apart over recent years, especially since the pandemic started, since he's not really a phone/Facetime person and I rarely see him these days. Thankfully both are in good physical health and still sharp mentally.
Everything was fine until a couple of years ago, when my Grandad started having occasional unexplained falls, including a couple that resulted in a broken arm and cracked ribs. They couldn't find any physical cause, but one day out of the blue he said that he was depressed and he was put on Sertraline.
He took the Sertraline for several months but he was constantly tired and getting 'brain fog', tremors, and other unpleasant side-effects. So his doctor tapered off the medication and he's been without it for a few months now. I don't know how the conversation went but they didn't put him on a different antidepressant, I think they agreed that he didn't need them.
At first, coming off the Sertraline seemed to fix the tiredness and 'brain fog', but lately he's been taking very long naps that last most of the day. When he wakes up, he's unsteady and irritable. He's had more falls recently, which my Gran thinks is because he's not eating or drinking enough (he'll have breakfast but then nothing until evening). After one of his falls they called an ambulance and his blood sugar was very low; he had something to eat and then he was fine again.
Just to be clear, my Grandad isn't on any medication. They've done blood tests, ECGs, a blood pressure monitor, but no underlying physical cause has been found. My Grandma is getting very upset about all this, and she feels that my Grandad is causing all of this himself by not remembering to eat and drink. She tries to remind him and even brings him water but he doesn't always take it.
For background info, my family has always thought that my Grandad has undiagnosed autism, which could be affecting his behaviour, especially now that he's older. He says that he doesn't feel hunger or thirst. He also says that he doesn't think it's a problem if he doesn't eat or drink, and he doesn't seem to believe that this can cause problems in older people. On one occasion he said that he wasn't eating because my Gran had told him to lose weight. So it's difficult to know what's actually going on in his head.
Tonight my Grandad had another fall (fortunately no injuries) and couldn't get up. After trying for a couple of hours, they called my Dad to help. My Dad ended up getting very angry at my Grandad, because he thinks this is all self-inflicted and that there's "nothing wrong with him".
It seems to me that my Grandad is either being selfish (by not taking care of himself even though he knows the potential consequences), or he's actually depressed or struggling to take care of himself for some other psychological reason. I have on-and-off depression myself and I also have days when I just want to sleep and can't bring myself to do basic self-care, the difference is that 1) I'm younger and 2) I live alone, so my self-neglect only affects myself.
Obviously if he is depressed then my Gran and my Dad yelling at him aren't going to help. But he isn't saying he's depressed. Then again, he never talks about his feelings. If they ever go to the doctor, he just says everything is fine, and he comes across as a very intelligent and rational person, which makes it look like my Gran is overreacting or imagining things.
I'm just really worried about both of them. My Gran has anxiety right now because of the pandemic. She has a previous back and shoulder injury so she can't physically be picking up my Grandad when he falls. She also has a tendency to blame herself for everything, e.g. she thinks that as his wife she should somehow be able to make him eat and drink.
If I was still closer to my Grandad I would try to talk to him, and ask him what's going on, but I don't know if that would help, or if he'd be open and honest with me. I've become the sounding board for all these issues, I'm the person my Gran complains to about his behaviour, so I don't know if he'd even want to talk to me or if he thinks I'm biased against him already (which I'm not, I'm just worried).
I'm not sure what else I can do. I've just suggested to my Gran that she needs to phone the doctor and let them know what's going on, every time my Grandad has a fall or some other episode, even if she's worried about not being listened to or believed. But I don't really know how that can help either if my Grandad then pretends that everything is fine.
I just wondered if anyone has any suggestions? Or even just what your impression is on reading this?
Thank you again for reading!