No Contact by DIL's?

I was married at 17 in the sixties and had two baby boys at 20. When my wimp of a husband decided it wasn't the life for him, he upped and left, leaving me to cope with my boys, the oldest 2 years old and a mortgage that wasn't in my name because I wasn't old enough to be added. My in-laws didn't once pick up the phone to see if I was coping and I felt because of that I didn't want anymore to do with them. They were my sons only G/P and I realised it would be a great loss to them all not knowing them. So although being 50 miles away, I took the boys to see them regularly. I'm so glad I did, it made all their lives richer. Even though my sons are almost 60, they still mention their G/Ps and the happy memories they had with them.

nannypiano

My MIL sat in my kitchen 3 days after my mother had died of a massive heart attack and told me that her non existent heart condition was worse than my mother’s. That is the tip of the iceberg. I could write a book. Eventually, after being insulted by her on Christmas day when I was cooking the Christmas dinner, I didn’t say anything at the time as I didn’t want to spoil Christmas for my children. I told DH that I had had enough as this had been happening throughout our marriage and that I didn’t want her in our house again. To his eternal credit the next day he went to his parent’s home and told them. FIL was very upset but was reassured that he would still see his grandchildren. After a while, she asked me to pop in for a cup of tea but I was determined that I wasn’t going to allow her to spoil my life again.

I have a wonderful daughter in law , she adores our son she is a great friend and confidant to me . I dont interfere in their lives or turn up to their home but we meet up regularly for drinks and they come here .
My own mother in law was distant and disapproving and she made me feel I wasnt the wife she would have chosen for her son .
She wasnt really interested in our children but doted on her own daughters children .
I tolerated it and we had them regularly for Christmas and sunday lunch where I waited on her dutifully .

I'm afraid I stopped making the effort after my 3rd child was born and my husband was told to go back to work in the family business the day after despite having been up all night for the delivery .
He was told to find someone else to help look after me and our two older children as he was needed at work .

No more Sunday lunches after that .

I thought it was a cruel thing to do .
I will never treat any daughter in law of mine like that . I think you have to be a friend to them and then they will be a friend to you and accept that they are now the most important person in your sons life now .

I am now a MIL and determined to have a good relationship with my DIL, She is a lovely wife and brilliant mother. I am very lucky, she will pop in with GS for lunch or a chat when able. I feel blessed.

My MIL tried hard to dominate & constantly guilt trip my husband into complying with her need to see us when we were newly married and when the first grandchild came along she expected to stay in our tiny two bedroom house for weekends twice a month. It was way too much and overwhelming for us but we didn’t know what to do because she sort of managed to gaslight us into thinking we were being unreasonable and I grew increasingly resentful and upset. But it was when she began planning the meals she wanted us to eat that weekend, (even turning up with the ingredients) and I was pregnant with second grandchild that I finally lost my temper and put my foot down. (Never take on a pregnant mum in a heatwave!). She didn’t take it well at all but key to dealing with her was getting my husband to stand up to her rather then me. Then, after second child came, we started inviting her and FIL to come and stay once every three months and gradually she came to realise we wouldn’t ever shut her out but we did have boundaries for our own family life she had to respect and then she seemed to relax into being a great granny and MIL. She finally accepted I was very different from her and decided to find my lack of domesticity amusing/endearing rather than slutty. I stopped caring that she didn’t think my house standards were good enough and began to enjoy my domestic goddess of a MIL who would turn up with cleaning equipment and blitz my house and do my laundry all whilst entertaining the grandchildren! That was over 20 years ago - she’s not able to be as active now but we have a lovely relationship and I love her dearly. She’s my second mum.

It’s worth trying to work out why you and your DIL aren’t getting along. It could be a myriad of reasons but there will often be something key on both sides that is causing the rift and it might be that once that’s dealt with a good relationship can be worked out. For me it was constant intrusion into my private space - as an introvert I found it intolerable; for my MIL it was a huge fear she’d lose out on her relationship with her son and GC if she didn’t push herself forward. I’d try to leave out sons or daughters in this though if possible - the relationship is between you & her. She needs to know she’s valued for herself and not because you have to tolerate her.

I always remember my new husband, on our first Christmas together, asking if I was sending a card to his Mother. I responded (with a 'suitable' expression) that I would happily add my signature to any one he chose. Amicably sorted for evermore.

My in laws didn't like me nor any off their childrens partners.
They ordered me out of hospital when I was admitted very ill to return home and look after my baby - their son shouldn't be doing my job. I don't think there is an easy answer to MIL/DIL problems. If you cut your husband's family out of your his and your children's life, then you don't have to deal with your inlaws, but you have to deal with the fact you have cut them off from each other. I have never heard anyone say thanks for that happening. And what goes round comes around perhaps your children will easily fall in with the notion of just losing contact with you in later years if you aren't suiting them. That's what you do with family member annoying you I tried to find a some peace with them and we managed okay, though never ideal. I felt it was too much upset to rack up the resentment which was sure to happen.

I know this is about MIL but I wish I my own daughter could have been more kind and thoughtful to me and as for the GC
she has used them as weapons against me needless to say my relationship with her children has not been allowed to flourish.
My DIL on the other hand has encouraged and made effort that my relationship with her and my GC is a good one, which I am grateful about as I miss my daughters children

the fact that male comedians, who had the public voice and the power used the MIL as a stock joke of ridicule when older women had no public voice...means nothing except that. What is sometimes heartening here is the struggles and sometimes the brilliant reconciliations. They are the triumphs arent they. And I think they are worth fighting for and time can change so much.
My daughter has a MIL who was so fearsome at first and now in her dotage tells everyone that my daughter's smile is the best thing in her life. Its true she has occasional dementia and my daughter is not very smiley, but my daughter was so surprised and pleased. She never encouraged her husband's annoyance at his mother's demanding behaviour and now he has learnt to not feel threatened and be comforting. And she now says, and we think she is dying, though she is a bit of a diva, that he is the most wonderful son any mother could have.
These are massive emotions we are dealing with.

Sorry to say I have the same problem. My DL is Japanese. She has been made so very welcome in our family. My late father was really lovely with her n yet during the Second World War he spent time in Japan and suffered so much. We have gone out of our way. We have two lovely little grandchildren who we see on FaceTime which our son arranges. I send gifts n birthday cards but she never ever speaks to us. I put it down perhaps to culture differences. It was 7 years before we were introduced to her own family. They seemed really nice so I fail to understand. Someone told me to step off the gas which have now done. No point in getting upset as long as I can speak with my grandchildren n son that’s ok. Maybe hopefully things will change all I know is I have really tried.

GG65 It is not semantics. I am not going into the differences as I perceive them. As I said I do not want to derail the thread. We disgree. So be it!

My poor mum had the DIL from hell in my bro’s wife. No matter what any of us did for her, including free childminding for three children for years, without even a present on birthdays, Mothers’s Day, or even a thank you after a difficult week when kids had been ill or a handful on school holidays, nothing was ever enough. Emotional blackmail was used repeatedly and my mum had to go along with being treated like **, along with their demands if she wanted to see her grandkids. They thought they had it all going their way until I produced my first son…whom they saw as competition and a threat. It was the first time my mum had been treated as a grandmother should be and they resented the hell out of it. My SIL just whittled away at the relationship and threw her moods and petty grievances at my bro until he had no choice but to choose her over his family, not that he had ever been any great shakes in the son department either to begin with. We’ve been estranged for over thirty years now and I am glad they are no longer in my life. Sometimes people are so bitter and determined to hate, that there is nothing anyone can do to salvage family ties. Strangely my SIL’s behaviour and nature seemed to pass on to her eldest daughter, who did exactly the same thing with her partner and his family…some women just seem to have issues with other women, or are just plain odd! I have sons myself and I dread that the old saying, ‘a son’s a son till he takes a wife’ would ever lead to an estrangement happening to me, but so far so good with potential future DILs.

Yes I’m one of those grandparent. My youngest was with someone for 5yrs it all went pear sharpened. I’ve never met such a bitter lass in all my life. She stopped us seeing his daughter my granddaughter. She 4yrs and 3months last time I saw her. Had her all the few days a week. It broke my heart. I cried and pleaded with her mum. But she wouldn’t even if saw granddaughter in street she would say don’t look to my granddaughter. She would try and And look at me in street and I also said loves you and crying at same time. I actually had a woman come over and put her arms round me. Said I feel your pain because I’m going through same thing. Her mum met someone else and moved away. She’s 10 now. I still cry when I think of her. My other granddaughter who is 3 months younger. Doesn’t ask about her now. But when her mum stopped us. She was always asking when’s belle coming. My son wanted his daughter just not her mum. I understand ppl break up but shouldn’t take it out on the kids.

"My SIL just whittled away at the relationship and threw her moods and petty grievances at my bro until he had no choice but to choose her over his family, "

Do you actually know what went on behind the scenes or is this what you think happened?

I left my husband because of my MIL - and because he was too weak to stand up to her.

Oh my Lord! My MIL was more of a support and help when H (her son) left me with two toddlers, than my own mother. Neither she, nor FIL, interfered with the break up (FIL was furious with his son for shelving his responsibilities), they rang a couple of times a week to see how I was coping, they took the children on beach holidays....honestly, I couldn't have loved them more and NC never entered the picture.

In the light of this thread, I realise how lucky I was.

Perhaps we all should remember the old saying, " A daughter is a daughter all her life. A son is a son until he takes a wife."

Friction between women and the woman their son choses is as old as the hills. Who is at fault, ,or most at fault differs from family to family.

Reading about the many estranged families on Gransnet, I get the feeling that in many cases something quite slight has caused the rift.

On the other hand, we grans seem to have expected a close, cosy, loving relationship with our AC, Dils, SIL and whatever else we have of family.

WHY? How many of us can honestly say that we had that kind of relationship with our in-laws, or our own parents?

My mother interpretated the saying I quoted to start with as meaning that all her life she could DEMAND that my sister and I hopped, skipped and jumped for her. She never asked nicely, she told us what to do and barely thanked us.

We often longed for the courage to tell her to take a running jump at herself, but never dared to do so. I can assure you I would never have allowed a MIL to treat me as my own mother did.

Perhaps you should consider whether your DILs have a similar relationship to their own mothers and have had good reason to erect fences between themselves and you.

Same here! One DIL showed many years ago her discomfort towards me the first time of meeting and was edgy, she and DS left my place after 15mins. Nothing changed thereafter. I was rarely included; it was always her family who were mainly in hers and my son's life. DIL is an amazing mother and my son and her are a good team. I accepted years ago that she must have had insecurities and was without a doubt of a jealous nature. As long as they are happy, I keep my views to myself and see the GC from time to time and that's fine with me. Life experience for me says she is uncomfortable with me and that we will never be close friends, that is what she showed me from day one and any good chemistry between us was never to be!

Consider yourselves lucky if they not talking to you or a nasty.
My son wasn’t married to his partner, so she wasn’t our daughter in law but unfortunately we put up with her as my son wouldn’t leave his daughter our gd. In 2007 she murdered our son
Something you never come to terms with, we had custody of our gd. We looked after her and we love her dearly. So please don’t complain unless your concerned about your son.

crazyH

Tell me about it !!!!!!!!!!
I have 2 d.i.ls, one is a real darling, the other is as difficult as they come. Right now, I am waiting for a text to let me know when I can see the grandchildren. I messaged them on Monday. My son works long hours, he has recently damaged the tendons in his leg , so I really would like to see them. But no reply. She is a control freak and on the day they got engaged told me "everything goes through me now" - jokingly it seemed at the time. It's no joke now. But I can't do anything about it.....just have to wait and see.

Tell Me about it too!! NC now for over 4years cos we weren't told a hospital appt had been cancelled, me and DH had serious chest infections DGC had chicken pox, and looked like little zombie in their calamine(bless em!) I'd told Dil night before I felt 100% but unfortunately woke feeling worse than ever, we soldiered on and turned up at 9am , when she was still in PJs by 9.45 I asked if she was due to get ready? She casually said "oh it's been cancelled last night" !?!?!?! Whaaaa? I quietly suggested we leave it that day as we all felt and looked like death (DH Had complications of the squits too!) At which she EXPLODED at me ......outcome? Not seen or talked to her, DCs or my son since Feb 2018........ Tragedy and I feel my life is now simply waiting to croak! No contact now from other son since I said I wasn't happy him expecting us to have covid test for him to visit when him and GF refusing to be vaxd! I'm at my wit's end .so yep! It's reasuringly, for me , to read how common this dreadful phenomenon actually is and around the world too ,always always always from DiL .do they really think we want to hang onto our sons? I'm glad he was getting settled even if it is with the one who trashed his science degree by getting him involved with drugs.........I put that aside in my mind with the joy of the babies arriving, I needn't have bothered it turns out...

Just a p.s. when 1st baby 3 weeks old she nearly have DS breakdown by threatening to move back to London with her family if be didn't? What? I never knew, I only know my DS is now complying

I had a fantastic relationship with my 1st MiL as I'd been totally ignored by my own mum and me and MiL just clicked ! We were similar in both looks and character (umm) and we're still friends until her demise in 2011 after 17 yrs divorced!

And another thought- my 1st MiL was German and I'm Jewish!!!

Madgran77

GG65 It is not semantics. I am not going into the differences as I perceive them. As I said I do not want to derail the thread. We disgree. So be it!

Coercion by its very definition is forcing someone to do something by force or threats. It is very much a criminal conduct.

Let’s assume there is no force involved. What are the threats being made to the hypothetical son? That his wife will leave the marriage? People can leave marriages whenever and for whatever reason they like. If that threat is being used as “coercion” all it takes is for the son to call his wife’s bluff once. The wife cannot prevent him from seeing his children either. His rights are protected in law. Nor can a wife take all her husband’s money and leave him penniless.

If anything, it is almost always women who feel “coerced” into staying in marriages given that they have likely sacrificed their careers to raise children, are the primary carers for those children and are not the main breadwinners of the household.

If the son has chosen his wife, then that is his choice. But he is not being coerced.

There are enough sticks to beat DILs with, let’s not create another in “coercive relationships” when 97% of individuals prosecuted for this course of conduct are men.