No Contact by DIL's?

Oh dear, what a sad thread! I have 2 DILs one is very sweet, I have the 2 GC regularly and we keep in regular touch, through either Ds or Ddil. The other one I finally gave up with. She was rude, controlling and (I suspect) influenced by my awful exH. My DS did nothing to help the situation and there has been no contact for over 3 years. There is a GS involved here too, which upsets me if I let it. I have taken the view that this is their loss and his brother and family's gain! Life, as someone said earlier in this thread, is too short.

To the question, I've never experienced and I think it to be very rare.

Horrendous in last paragraph! Not forensic

Ex deceased MiL was hellish. Ex deceased FiL was a gem. She came with baggage from her own childhood. I took alot over the years. When I finally had enough I told her a few home truths. I got hit in the face

Fortunately Ex seen it. We left. Trying to get children to the car she turned on me again with my 5 year old daughter in my arms. Trying to protect my daughter from getting hit too whilst she was lashing out at me, that was the last time I seen her or ever spoke to her.

For all the ex was a shit husband he did back me and sided with me with her. He did speak to his dad regularly on the phone. His mom passed away with him not seeing her or speaking to her again.

He did see his dad as did the grandchildren and I.

Love my 2nd MiL too bits. Unfortunately my 2nd husband passed away unexpectedly 3 years ago.

His brother and sister caused chaos and trouble when my husband passed. Why was I shocked by it when I look back on it? His brother and sister did exactely the same when his Dad died and will when his mom does.

Fortunately I still have a relationship with my other two BiL and SiL. They live in another part of the country and we are very different people however we still in reado able contact.

Unfortunately my MiL has cut me out cos her daughter is her carer and it would cause havoc for her.

I miss her but I send birthday and Christmas cards every year with newsy letters.

My late husband would be livid with his brother and sister and they would know about it if he could get his hands on them. He would deck his brother and not speak to his one sister again.

I have 3 sons. 1 is married. I get in well with
his wife our DiL and I'm close with her Mom too. We were always close however we both lost our husbands young. Mine was 60. Hers 56, the year after me. Bought us closer.

I have always been hands off and ensured I was even more laid back cos of the ex deceased MiL

Both sides of our families of eldest son and DiL spend Christmas, birthdays etc together.

My 2nd son isn't with his ex. I have a reasonable relationship with her as she has the eldest grandson.

My other 2, no grandchildren yet. Daughter ex partner she was with 8 year. Devastated when they split. Fortunately no children with what he did.

She is now in a happy longterm relationship with a guy I get on with.

Youngest not really had anything serious yet. He is 24. Spending time travelling career etc he is not ready for all that.

I help out with childminding, sharing it with my DiL mom too

There are some forensics MiL about as there is DiL I just thank goodness I am not in the situation some are in

Don't you worry grannygranby. It was just a general observation. I'd noted that your brother did talk to you about it, so that is something. I agree that giving silent treatment is manipulative and inappropriate.

I don't really tend to have any arguments with my DH, due to his inability to deal with disagreement. It drives me nuts because sometimes I would like him to disagree to give me another perspective, or point out if I'm wrong and have missed something. If every relationship has an area of dysfunction, that's ours. At least my kids will state if there's a problem, so I don't think they've taken that pattern on board.

I didn't say we never argued...why else would I have taken my SIL to task? but there's a difference between assertiveness and argumentative by nature. More to the point my family weren't brought up where emotion was witheld for control. I have witnessed this as quite common in other families and very manipulative. We were very outspoken and often agreed to disagree. So you re on the wrong trail there Cafe au lait.

grannygranby

I remember once questioning my SIL on her rejecting behaviour when she had stepped too far. My ( late) brother took me aside and said I must never do that as I had no idea how much she would make him suffer for it.. mainly that she would refuse to speak to him for days. As he wasn’t brought up in a family that ever sulked, was argumentative or withholding he just couldn’t cope with it. Unfortunately my son is in a similar position neither ever contacted their mothers unless spouse was out and quickly ended it when they returned. I can see that it is not such a rare phenomenon. It’s very sad

A family that never argues is not necessarily healthy either. It's okay for people to disagree or have issues sometimes. Obviously there are good ways and bad ways of handling it, but conflict avoidance is responsible for my DH's estrangement from his mother.

My DH was brought up in a family where the men weren't allowed to argue or have any conflict. As such, he had no capacity to deal with any issues with his mother and avoided. He hadn't learned to handle conflict in healthy ways. It took him a good couple of decades and a lot of therapy to be able to deal with conflict at all, but he still has a tendency towards stonewalling as a means of avoidance. MIL avoids as well. So they have never even talked about any issues, not once, or tried to resolve it. Their family is so conflict avoidant they would rather just avoid each other and have done so for well over a decade.

My family has bickered occasionally but we all still talk to each other and things get resolved. Not that my family is in any way perfect either, but this difference is important and seems to work better.

People need to learn to cope with conflict.

Oh tickingbird you have absolutely nailed it

As another example, my eldest brother’s second wife was ok but I could sometimes feel the jealousy. I’m not particularly close to said brother but, on occasion, had cause to ring him and he would be very monosyllabic on the phone but would always call me back the following day whilst at work. His AD, my niece, said he was the same with her. It was quite obvious his wife didn’t like him chatting to his sister or his daughter.

I think some women just don’t like other women around ‘their’ men and get territorial, even if it’s a family member.

I remember once questioning my SIL on her rejecting behaviour when she had stepped too far. My ( late) brother took me aside and said I must never do that as I had no idea how much she would make him suffer for it.. mainly that she would refuse to speak to him for days. As he wasn’t brought up in a family that ever sulked, was argumentative or withholding he just couldn’t cope with it. Unfortunately my son is in a similar position neither ever contacted their mothers unless spouse was out and quickly ended it when they returned. I can see that it is not such a rare phenomenon. It’s very sad

Thanks Smilesless.
The point of my post is really not to judge the depths of control in any way. I understand what others are saying about men wanting a quiet life and all these versions are true.
Tickingbird is spot on and Smiless in response.

I do actually think that I taught my son to keep his head down and behave because that is the marriage he was brought up in.

Obviously this is an extreme case as are some of the others talked about but we do have a number of gfs who just refuse to engage in the family of the lads parents and it is really strange when you were brought up to be polite.
That's what my son says we are too polite.

Apologies Whatdayisit I see you've said that she is now his ex. You must have been relieved when he got away from her despite the upheaval for the children.

I hope your son's recovery from her control goes from strength to strength.

"she mustn't know I'm here" it's unbelievable isn't it Whatdayisit.

You say court orders are in place, is your son still with his wife, if so were you successful as GP's in obtaining a court order for contact.

Indeed tickingbird "you just have to hope your sons meet well adjusted, fair minded women.....". It never enters your mind that they wont, until they do.

As a mother to three sons I know that men like to keep the peace at home and once they’ve married or moved in together and had children they will take the line of least resistance. If they have a jealous partner who only wants her mother around the gc then normally that’s what happens. Men put a happy home life above loyalty to their own mothers. You just have to hope your sons meet well adjusted, fair minded women and go with the flow.

Yes Smiless2012 I remember an incident where son had called for a coffee and his now ex rang and the look of horror on his face 'she mustn't know I'm here.' And how my Facebook and netmums was trawled over and over. Scrutinizing everything I did and said. Nasty texts off son's phone in the early hours.
After a few months we let them get on with it. People used to say you will get him back. I never felt I had lost him I didn't need him back he was an adult. Controlling people make life a nightmare.
Anyway all sorted now court orders in place and we all have to get on.
And I did think he could call he could text but he was petrified.
I'm not just saying that as the mil. He is still recovering from the control.

"it seems pointless to debate any further really" yes it does Madgran especially when despite there being posts referring to coercive control, emotional blackmail and emotional abuse, there is an inability or unwillingness by some, to accept that in some instances, as you have just said "it's the consequences of doing it that MIGHT be the reason for not doing it".

I remember our ES son saying to me "we mustn't do this, it causes too much trouble"; says it all really doesn't it.

Madgram77 I'm astounded that there would be anyone, not locked in a hole, who couldn't text, phone, email their mum

It's not that they can't because they have no phone or whatever .. its the consequences of doing it that MIGHT be the reason for not doing it is all I am saying!

Every case is different, so it seems pointless to debate any further really.

I do agree with many posts on this thread. We are generalizing MiLs and DiLs but like has already been said it's all about individuals in individual family dynamics.

But I used to know a lovely florist before she shut up shop to look after her GCs and she would say that the number of women who went in ordering Mother's Day flowers would say I want this for my mum and spend £30 + and then say I suppose I had better get some for his mother but no more than £20.
Yes he could have arranged but how often did the dil say she would sort?

My friend when on online dating always thought dead mother was a better point than his looks - but she had had an appalling mil so couldn't really blame her.
There do seem to be more hoops to jump through these days to please people.

Estrangement not from DIL but from my daughter coming up 4 years. She won’t tell me why I’m not allowed to see her or my GD.

chris8888

I see statuses all the time on fb saying things about mother in laws - aunts, sisters, etc not `performing` as they should.
I seen one from my pregnant neice saying `if you don`t show interest in this pregnancy you won`t see this baby ????????` It was just general but showed how she feels.
I thought you just congratulated someone on being pregnant and then made a fuss once baby arrived!
No getting it right these days.

Really? Well, I guess it depends on the type of 'friends' you have on fb. I know for a fact that none of my friends would ever put such a post on social media. It says far more about the person writing the post than it does about the person they are referring to.

i know this problem exists and it is very sad when it happens. I have no problems with my daughter in law but our relationship is difficult, no matter what I do she finds fault. While she has not denied us access to our grandchildren visiting them is often uncomfortable as she is not very welcoming. She seems to think that I have more influence over my son than she does which is ridiculous as no one controls him and I would never try. Despite this I keep on trying because I know how difficult family relationships can be and I dont blame her really, she wants to be number one in her family and I think sees us as a threat to that.

Madgram77 I'm astounded that there would be anyone, not locked in a hole, who couldn't text, phone, email their mum.

Ia it an excuse, because the person doesn't want to contact?

Male or female, PLEASE seek help

Agreed .

I have 2 sons and 4 GC. Eldest son doesn't speak to me and isnt with my ex DIL but she enables me to have contact with my 2 eldest GC as it's what they want, they are 11 and 9. To prevent physical contact, that wouldn't affect him at all, he threatens to withdraw financial support she needs for the children.
Youngest son who lives several hours away accused me of not making enough effort to visit them when he made zero effort to contact or visit me and has decided to cut me out of their lives. I have health issues, work full time, and couldnt make the long trips to visit them as often as expected. These 2 GC are 4 and 1 and I discovered the existence of the youngest when a friend sent me a picture they saw posted on Facebook, I didnt even know she had been conceived. I send birthday and Christmas cards and presents but dont know if these are received, renamed or discarded.
My relationship with my ex DIL hasnt always been great in the past but I'm so pleased we get on well now despite my sons best actions to poison this.
I've always walked on eggshells around my youngest sons wife and was always the 2nd class grandparent there but I doubt the relationship with them will ever mend as my son has blocked all contact.
I feel sad for the children in these situations as they miss out on relationships with loving grandparents

I agree that male victims of coercive control are not as common as female but they account for roughly 50% of the amount of female victims.
I think men hide it more than women too so it could be more. Also it's been a taboo subject for women for long enough and lockdowns have made it worse.
Male or female, PLEASE seek help.