Being the mum of the son of new granddaughter

Give it time and don’t be a smother in law because it really won’t be appreciated. Lovely for you to be a grandma and I am sure you will see lots of them all in days to come. Just ask if they need anything .

well put, Hithere.

Giving birth is a medical procedure, same as an outpatient procedure, an inpatient one or a visit to the ER

The patient will look for support from the sources she trusts the most, for his/her recovery

Having a baby is not a time share.
The last thing that the patient and the partner have to worry about is to make sure everybody participates in a way they wish so they are happy too.

Congratulations on your new granddaughter Elizbeth and there is no need to apologise for the title of your post. I’m sure posters with the exception of those who felt the need to be pedantic understood perfectly.

Grandma70s, I could have written your post myself! Only my first GD lived close to me but I was never a carer for her. I took her out at weekends and when she was 9 or 10 she would take over my kitchen and bake cakes a cookies. She says she will look after me one day. We'll see!

Grandma70s I am with you all the way. I love my DGC (and DC) but have a life and interests of my own that I want to pursue. I brought our children up without any parental help as neither of our parents lived close enough to be able to help and both grandmothers were still working. Not only that but DH had a job that took him away from home a lot, at short notice for unknown periods of time, but I managed to look after children, home and pursue a career.

Like you, DS and family live 200 miles away, their other grandmother, who is nearly a decade older than us, is nearby. She helped a bit in the early years, especially as DDiL had some health problems, but her age has limited what she could do, so they too have managed without having a grandparent dancing on a string ready to respond to every need.

While I do understand some parents need for childcare, but I often feel uneasy by the extent to which some grandparents, especially, grandmothers, seem to think they should be a core part of their grown children's family as if they are unable to let them go and I wonder how many intrusive grandmothers are the cause of marriage breakdowns because their children can never achieve full personal maturity because they remain forever tied to their mother's apron strings.

I should add that my son is the father. My DIL’s parents live much closer to them, so see them much more often than I do. Obviously they are closer, but that’s just the way it is and I don’t fret about it. (They are also ten years younger than me, so have more stamina!)

Am I alone in not particularly wanting to be a carer for my grandchildren? They are their parents’ responsibility, not mine. I had my turn when my own children were little. I was very happy to bring up children once, but have no desire to do it twice!

I love my grandchildren, but they live 200 miles away and I don’t see them very often. This doesn’t bother me. We have our own special relationship. They are my grandchildren, not my children.

You sound like you're doing a great job at being a lovely MIL and Grandparent.

Regarding the birth, again, she wanted her mom there as support for her. Not the baby.
She wanted her mom there for first few weeks for her. Not the baby.
She left her baby with her mom because it made her feel better.

This is a very emotional time with baby blues etc. It really is all about what the new mum wants atm and what makes her comfortable.
It's not about what other people want.

It will get better but you sound like you're doing a great job.

I love my dil but always expected her mom to be first call for everything, I have however had a good relation with their children, not been as close as with their other grandma', but I think they care for me. You just step back and then it’s all a bonus.

Thanks everyone & sorry if my title wasn’t great as mentioned was just trying to describe my problem in the title bar, I’m new here & felt a bit nervous.
I appreciate all your wee tips, I always have treated my daughter in law well, I ask how she is, show interest in her, buy shopping in, cook & ask if they want anything done. I treated them to a wee couple of nights away when my DIL was ill. I never show up announced & don’t expect to be there much, they have there own life’s to lead.
At the end of the day it boils down to jealousy that I know I have to control, it just hurts the other grannie is at the birth, at the house everyday, has babysat several times & I haven’t. I know it’s not because I’m a bad person it’s just DIL’s go to their mums.
Please any mums out there, please think of your sons mum. Please try & treat her like you would like to be, it could be you one day & as I say it hurts a lot & I’m really low with it all.
Really hoping as mentioned that I will try & be the best Gran I can building a relationship as she grows.
Thanks again everyone xx

I didn't want anyone near DH and I after No 1 baby was born. We just wanted to be left on our own to muddle through toether with our new acquisition.

Both sets of parents lived 60 miles away, my parents visited me in hospital and that was it for the firsst few weeks. We visited DH's parents when No 1 was 10 days old and stayed the weekend, as they did not have a car or drive. Nobody complained then or later.

Second time round it was different, my mother came and stayed a week as she was older then DMiL and had retired she had her time free to do so. while DMiL, a teacher was working. If it had been the other way round DMil would also have been welcome as my companion and aid for the first week. I loved her dearly and had a close relationship with her.

*I found when I had my first everyone wanted to 'help' but the way they wanted too...so sitting with the baby, holding the baby, feeding the baby, to give me a break.
I didn't need a break, I didn't need help with baby. I was finding my feet*

This is so true! When I had my first DD people were so keen to ‘help’ by ‘taking her off my hands’ but I wanted her with me. If someone had offered to grab food/make tea etc I’d have been far happier with that.

Also, I agree with what pps are saying, your DIL will most likely want her own mom there whilst she’s still recovering. Most new moms are sent home from hospital 6-10 hours later these days, so come home feeling rough and having someone on hand to look after you, so you can look after the baby, would be a huge help.

I would have loved to have been able to rely on my mom like that when I had my first, but all she was focussed on was the baby, so I found myself keeping her at arms length as it was quite hurtful. After I told her of DDs birth and having to be taken to theatre for forceps and it all being a bit daunting she just kept repeating ‘but the babys okay though’, didn’t even ask if I was. My MIL and SIL, on the other hand, asked if I wanted any food brought up and turned up with dinner and chocolates. Which at least made up for my moms behaviour!

Basically OP, try and let them know you’re there for them, not the baby. I know it must be very exciting to be a new grandmother but they’re new parents and will want to be finding their own feet. Support them by offering practical help.

Also you have no clue whether your DIL wants her mom there or whether she just invites herself along/turns up. They might soon get sick of her!

Congratulations on the birth of your first DGD. Elizbeth

I have 3 sons and a DD in that order. They all have children. Each situation is different. The eldest I see frequently because they live nearest to me. The next lives in NZ but we talk on video.
The 3rd invited me on holiday with them and although DiL is an only child and lives near her DP, she is such a lovely person I never feel left out. In fact once I said to her mum how lucky they were to see the DGC so often. "We mostly see them when they are sick" was the reply because DiL would phone for help for childcare when the nursery wouldn't take them.
I live very close to DD's inlaws. They are younger and more hands-on than I would even want to be.

My DMiL and FiL seemed to know instinctively how to behave.
When DS3 was born at home, they arrived bringing a cooked chicken dinner and champagne - and then left!
I'll never forget that. It was perfect.
When DS1 was born in hospital they stayed in our flat and cleaned it. They bought a few things for the baby and looked after DH and when we got home there was a meal ready and again they left us to it!

I was asked to stay for a week shortly after my daughter and her partner had our first grandchild.
Most of that time was spent doing laundry, cooking, loading and unloading the dishwasher, cleaning, walking the dog, gardening.
One evening I offered to do the late feed and put the baby to bed so they could both get a bit more much-needed sleep.

This year with their second baby I stayed for a week again when he was three weeks old and, as well as all the above, I was (surprised to be!) asked to do far more hands-on baby care: feeding and changing nappies.
I spent a fair bit of time looking after my now-four year old granddaughter.
I also acted as chauffeur for the week as my daughter had had a C-section and couldn't drive.

My point is that there are a lot of ways to help new parents after a baby is born.
Let your son and daughter-in-law know you're willing and able, and offer to do whatever helps and supports them the most as new parents.
There are years ahead of you to build a relationship with your little granddaughter, so don't fret ?

Congrats Elizabeth.
After DGD was born, I became quite friendly with her other grannie. We do things together, with and without DGD.

Why not contact the other grandmother and offer to share some of the 'duties' with her? As others have said, it's not a competition on who can do the most.
Although, I must add, when I had my first baby, MIL was the last person I wanted to see. When washing needed pegging out or shopping needed doing I didn't see any of my inlaws for dust.

I do understand how Elizabeth feels. I was so excited to have a grandaughter but, even though my DIL sadly had lost her mum her family still seemed to take priority over me. I didn’t even hear of her birth till hours after she’d been born and they didn’t want me to see her. I did get more involved later on though so it was a case of keeping quiet and biding my time.

I thought it a strange title all together.
Why not new Nan needing help and advice
The heading seems to dismiss the daughter in law altogether.

Somebody may have said this already but don’t you mean
“ Being the mum of the son WITH a new daughter”
Or alternatively
“Being the mum of the father of new granddaughter “

You are SO right March I was constantly hungry in the few weeks postpartum and welcomed the delicious home-cooked meals of those dear friends who just dropped the meals off and expected nothing of me.
I loved them because they didn't ask to "help" by holding the new baby or taking it out in the pram/pushchair. The ones I loved most were the ones that loved me and my husband, the ones who saw me as a person (not just a mum) and the ones who cared for my husband.

You love your son, Elizabeth.
Cook, offer to take the laundry home, ask about shopping.
In cooking/doing the laundry/shopping for them you are nurturing your new grandchild. You are contributing one of the most precious things... your time. And the time you give here frees your son of some of the chores during this special time for him.
It's a privilege to do small tasks of love for others. Try to find joy in these things and you will feel more content.
Good luck.
?
And congratulations!

Congratulations Grandma !! Enjoy the little one and the time you have with your granddughter. It’s natural that the maternal grandmother gets to spend more time with them, only because the young mother turns to her mother for help. Although in my case, I must say my daughters m.i.l. was more helpful than I was. I’ m rather lazy and lack energy ?

I am the mother of the son and, quite honestly, I haven't had a problem. We live 200 miles away, MiL lives 2 miles away, but it never bothered me in the slighest. We are different people, who get on very well and quite frankly the last thing I wanted to do was to give my busy intersting life up to spend day after day baby worshiping.

Do not get me wrong, I love my grandchildren, they come down to us for a week ata a time every school holiday and we go up for a couple of weekends every term, usually staying with the other grandmother, as we are such good friends.

I have taught DGD to sew, a skill neither DDiL or DMiL have, we have cooked together and my Christmases are legendary and will live in their memories for ever.

Do not get worked up about times or frequency or what the other grandmother does. What does it matter, just relax, lean back. When your DS wants you he will ask. Take your time, better a bit neglected now and a lovely relationship later, than constantly banging on the door everyday saying me too and finding yourself estranged in a years time and unable to see what you did wrong.

I think a lot of factors come into play here: geographical distance, age, fitness etc.

I am mother to 3 wonderful DDs and have been lucky to be closely involved with 2 sets of GC, less so with the one who lives a distance away.

But I am now in the situation where I am less involved in them as far as care is concerned because of my problem health and the fact that the other GPs are younger and fitter. I am happy that they are involved and that my DGC get to have several grannies.

There will be a role for you as time goes by - and lots of congratulations!

Congrats! Is this your first gc?

Tell your son you are there to help - whatever they need.
They will reach out to you with time

Patience will pay off. Let dil and son readjust as a family of 3, dil heal and get used their new roles.