advice please

Eloethan

I think it's time to get back to normal. The damage this sort of rigidity is doing to personal relationships, immune systems and mental health is I think becoming a real problem.

Absolutely ?
You say becoming a real problem
I would change that to is a real problem
I will add that it’s not happened/ happening in my family, I won’t have it, rules or no rules.

i can understand your sons thoughts and reactions, i have a relative with a son who has severe asthma, it has involved so many trips to a&e and several stays in hospital over the years, she was warned at the height of covid to be very careful as it might be something he would not recover from if he got it. his nanna still does a test and uses santitizer, when she gets there she gives him a virtual cuddle and a fist bump, something my son did with me recently when i was in hospital for a cancer op last month. i think looking at recent figures it is better to be safe than sorry,

Louisa “ I have seen my mum and also 3 GC right thru covid ..”

You must be very proud of having ignored guidelines. Unless of course you all live together,

Get out from under, dear lady!

Your son has rules for his family's safety. Let him explain them to his grandparents.

He is a big boy now.

All you need to do, is agree with your son about what steps you take, if your parents turn up at his, while you are looking after the children.

Presumably, if your parents don't follow your son's rules in his home, while you are in charge there, you tell them (not ask them) to go home and if necessary phone a taxi and send them home.

Your son and DIL sound OTT ....so by caring for your grandchildren by their rules, you are not allowed to go into your parents home?? What happens if your parents get ill? I feel sorry for your parents.... I have seen my mum and also 3 GC right thru covid ... everyone is now triple jabbed, bar the children.... you sound like you are walking on eggshells, frightened that you will not be allowed to see your GC if you don't play by the rules.... that must be a horrible position for you

welbeck is absolutely right. Could you live with yourself if that happened and you hadn’t taken any steps to try to stop him driving? You do have a responsibility there, I’m sorry to say.

they don't need to come.
the bigger issue is the danger from the older man's driving.
you need to do something about that.
you know he is cognitively impaired; how would you feel if he mounted the kerb and ploughed into a mother and child.
sorry to be stark. but it does happen. and children are killed.

I can see where your son and dil are coming from if they have already had a child incredibly ill with possible covid. I was of the 'we must all get back to normal' view until 5 of my husband's family all caught it and I realised how it was very much still present in my local community.

I don't agree with other posters saying well if son and DIL are back in the office two more people won't hurt. Work and childcare are a necessity whereas your parents visits aren't.

Your son and d.i.l. set the rules. Their children are theirs to worry over. Yours is to respect others' decisions. You sound respectful, well done you.

Hello, Ogdenkj1 and welcome to Gransnet! You’ll get more support and advice if you copy and paste exactly what you’ve said as a new thread, so that many more people will see it. It’s easy to do - you just need to use the drop down menu at the top of this thread, and choose Start New Discussion.

Good luck!

Hello, I’m new and this is my first post. I hope I’m doing it right. I need some advice please. My live in boyfriend and I have been together for three years. We were have a conversation yesterday and he told me he didn’t like my 3?year old grand daughter. I think it’s because I would bring her to our place and she would stay overnight and she had all my attention. I haven’t had her over for awhile but she’s coming tomorrow and I can tell he’s not happy. I don’t want my granddaughter to feel like he doesn’t like her. My heart is breaking because I love them both. Advice please

I am a bit confused as to what your parents do that is considered so dangerous, do they shop or have a neighbour in for coffee? After 3 jabs and a flu vaccine most over 75s I know feel that they must just get on with life, this does usually consist of a meal out or visiting their local club, are they really supposed to stay locked up at home. If your son doesn't want them to visit let him tell them.
I also wish someone would sort out driving by the over 70's it is usually left to families to sort out parents who should stop, just the worst people to get landed with the job.

I'd just tell your parents that if they want to visit they have to follow your son's rules. I know a lot of older people who haven't taken it seriously even though they are the most at risk - who knows, perhaps they think they're happy to take the risk because they've already had a good long life. But they need to respect those with more responsibilities, such as looking after children and having to stay healthy themselves to work and so on. Mental health issues aside (and it's hardly surprising that people are more stressed and anxious at the moment), it is all about respecting others' decisions about their own household and children. And it sounds like your dad shouldn't be driving at all - sorry if that sounds harsh but once cognitive function starts to decline they are a danger to themselves and others on the road. I had the same with my parents who insisted on driving but couldn't even do simple manoeuvres when needed such as reverse out of the way in a narrow lane. Luckily they did stop before they killed someone. But for your own sanity you can't please everyone so just stick to the rules of your son and daughter in law at their house and let them all deal with it!

I think it's time to get back to normal. The damage this sort of rigidity is doing to personal relationships, immune systems and mental health is I think becoming a real problem.

I disagree you are stuck in the middle.

Your parents, your son and you are all adults.

Your son and your parents are perfectly capable of coordinating visits, there is no need to put you in the middle

Your parents are displaying a very irresponsible attitude about covid, driving, respecting other people's decisions

Personally, if my parents complained about my son, I would tell them it is none of my business, they need to address it with your son

Thank you all for your messages,lots of help.I read my mum bits of my son and dil messages earlier and she has taken offense told me tell them forget it i will wait until xmas and when she tells my dad later he will be annoyed as well,once she has calmed down hope it will be okay and i get a chance to talk to my son tomorrow when we childmind for them.It is just so sad i worry with dad 83 will he get to see normal again with the children.

I also had not thought about the nanny sitting outside at her parents,that annoys my parents as well so i get it all ways.I did think the nanny must see her family,her husband is a teacher she has a child etc,but my son says that it is the better choice than nursery for them and it is the best they can do,they have coped until now alone with childcare,both working from home,but now they have to do a few days a week in the office both in universities but the house they feel safe in so i understand just feel very sad for my parents.

My son does have lots of issues and these last months will have obviously made him worst,we never talk about it he's 38 but i am there if he needs me,he has a lovely wife so i am thinking she has been a rock for him,plus with the oldest child who was just under two at the time very ill,i wonder if he had covid the doctors could not decide what it was and it was the nov before we heard about covid,they almost lost him it is a bad place to go to relive that day so i can only imagine his thinking.

Thank you all again,you are very kind gransnet is a lovely place.x

losing his losing his way

Quite apart from the difference in attitude to Covid precautions, the clincher for me would be your father's erratic driving. I am sure he thinks he is safe, but the evidence of his losing his does suggest that he might no longer be safe on the road. I'm 80 myself and find it trying to drive more than short distances.

I hadn’t picked that up Riverwalk. I quite agree. Son can’t expect to control everyone’s lives like this., to the extent of his grandparents having to sit outside when it’s cold. Very dangerous for them. It sounds as though he may need some professional help to put his fears in perspective. Please don’t put your parents’ lives at risk to comply with his rules.

As to advice, well I don't really have any unfortunately, as I expect your son's mental health takes priority over every one else's, and you have to tread carefully in case you upset him and you can't see the grandchildren.

I visit my parents weekly but since helping my son have not been inside my parents house,I sit in their garden which annoys my parents they think I am going to far but it's what I have to do to follow my son's rules and I am happy to as now get to look after the children.

Your son can lay down the rules as to his own house but I find it very odd that his rules also include you sitting in your parents' garden when you visit them.

Does the nanny also have to sit in her parents garden?

A very difficult situation - I don't envy you.

I have to say I’m surprised at the number of posts accusing the child’s parents of being extreme. It is their decision, their child was ill before the pandemic, the father has mental health issues…plus the mention of great grandparents not being sensible about Covid safety, surely it is not the time to talk about “common sense” returning. All this talk of being back to normal is a bit odd given how many cases we still have every day.
Personally I think the great grandparents will have to wait.I trust the intention is not for them to visit every week ?

The young parents must be quite anxious about going back to office work plus leaving their kids to the care of others.

You should do exactly as you son and his wife ask you to do , whatever the old couple's ideas are. You are now in the position to strongly advise your parents what to do about covid especially as it affects their grandkids. You may also advise your father not to drive if in your opinion he is unsafe.

It is not easy to change from obeying your parents to yourself being in the driving seat but that is how things are now that they are older and a bit stupid, and you are mature and have to make decisions for the old people.

It’s all a muddle, but I personally think that the biggest danger to anyone in the whole scenario is that your father may not be a safe driver. I would be using your son’s rules as a handy excuse to keep him off the road for those two hours a fortnight.

This does seem a bit extreme. I agree we should continue to be very sensible, i.e., wearing masks in shops, washing hands and being outdoors as much as possible. We are now in a situation where you have all been vaccinated but as an earlier post has said, there is Nanny coming and going and the parents have no idea what she does in her private life and nor should they. We have to try and live with Covid otherwise everyone's mental health, including that of the children will be badly affected. If I were your parents I would accept the decision of your son and DIL but there is no way that I would go to such extremes in order to catch pneumonia. I would stay at home in the warm and wait until common sense prevails!