DIL here, can I get some help understanding why there’s such an expectation of “alone time?”

I never wished for ‘alone time’. It seems a strange concept to me. That said, it happened organically anyway.
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Every parent has a right to their own rules - if the grandparents can’t abide by that, it’s their problem.

This woman should absolutely never be left unsupervised with the child and I’m 100% in agreement about changing her clothes - second/third hand smoke is very bad for developing lungs.

Some grandparents do seem to be over invested in the lives of their grandchildren. It is up to you and your fiance how you deal with this tellmey I certainly wouldn't leave very young children with people who smoked and drank heavily.
Like BlueBelle I'm surprised your mother in law is holding down her job if she drinks so much. Agree a plan with your fiance about limited contact for his parents and stick with it. The welfare of your children is your priority.

In an ideal world your partner would be the one to communicate these boundaries, but if they’re stuck in the FOG then it might not be so easy.

Unreasonable demands of the parents such as the one outlined here appear to crop up frequently. I'm just wondering if previous generations were so entitled, I think not, but of course we only know of our own little world when growing up, so maybe some mothers were bullied along such lines. Stick to your guns OP it's your prerogative to say no to anything you aren't comfortable with.

You have thought it all through,OP. However, spare a thought for the woman, who you like, as this is her first grandchild and she is thrilled. Find a way to work round the problems if you can and be kind.
In general terms, my advice to you is that once the baby is here your rules about visiting etc may not be appropriate so be prepared to adjust.

I would have been terrified to have 'alone time' with my grandson until he was much older i.e. going to school. I would be terrified of the responsibility of a young baby even though I adored him (then and now).
I wouldnt take a baby to a smokers house and wouldnt want to be around people who get drunk at home.

However your list of rules rather worried me - you do seem to have quite a lot of them and none that I recognise my parents putting up with without a huge family falling out. Are you prepared to be at all flexible so the grandparents can see this baby before its 3 weeks old?

Regarding the smoking, that is a no. I agree her clothes would need to be fresh and she would need to have had a shower. Exposure to second-hand smoke and third-hand smoke can affect a child’s developing brain because the brain is very sensitive to even very small amounts of toxins.
Also no a big no to one on one time alone unless her drinking situation changes.
I think once a week visits seem sensible but perhaps once you are used to things to can occasionally offer them a mid week visit if you are up to it.
My df was a drinker smoker but he still had a wonderful relationship with my kids and they adored him. You can find work around s and keep feelings intact.
She is just very excited, try not to hurt her feelings with her shortcomings.

I fully understand why tellmey is so
dictatorial! With a MIL like she has there is no option.

TerriBull

Unreasonable demands of the parents such as the one outlined here appear to crop up frequently. I'm just wondering if previous generations were so entitled, I think not, but of course we only know of our own little world when growing up, so maybe some mothers were bullied along such lines. Stick to your guns OP it's your prerogative to say no to anything you aren't comfortable with.

Speaking for BOTH of my sets of grandparents, they had far more contact than most people on here see as reasonable. I spent very happy weeks at a time with my paternal grandparents and also did overnights with my less close maternal grandmother. They are some of my happiest memories.

I model my grandparenting on my paternal grandparents. And it seems to be rubbing off on my DGS. We have a lovely relationship. And his mum is happy for a break when I have him. It seems to be a winning formula for all of us.

I see I'm VERY fortunate compared to some others.

The answer to your original question is that sane grandparents do not feel entitled to "alone time." It is a complete nonsense.

I never wished for ‘alone time’. It seems a strange concept to me. That said, it happened organically anyway.

Ditto.

I’ve never understood why some grandparents think they have a right to ‘alone time’ with a baby. It’s creepy and controlling. Also your in-laws sound like a nightmare OP, I hope your fiancé is fully supportive.

I’m with you on that GAgaJo, my GC are coming next week to stay, but I don’t smoke or drink more than a glass a week!

That's a good point Froglady so of the OP's future m.i.l. is a binge drinking alcoholic and able not to drink unless it's her day off, presumably she could not drink when she knew she was seeing her GC.

Not ideal and there's also the smoking to take into account but you've made a good point there.

Lucca

I’m with you on that GAgaJo, my GC are coming next week to stay, but I don’t smoke or drink more than a glass a week!

And I'm sure they'll have wonderful memories of you in later years, as I do of my grandparents. My granny died when I was 11, but she is very firmly fixed in my memory as a wonderful part of my childhood.

I cannot understand the attitude shelflife I have said with the drinking and smoking it it's not ok to have the baby alone or overnight.
What I cannot understand why so many rules and regulations. I have never smoked, but many friends I know like a drink and smoke, they would not dream of doing it with the baby in the vicinity, I agree maybe the baby should not go to the house they smoke in doors, but outside the house does the Mil have to be told to change her clothes? She is a professional woman, holding a responsible job, if her drinking had affected her work it would of shown up by now.
Also stating with a MIL like that is wrong we do not have her side of the story.
It seems a shame that such a joyous occasion is being upset by expectations and attitudes on both sides.

rafichagran you clearly don't realise how much the smell of smoke clings to bodies and clothes.
At work, I always knew who smoked even tho I never saw them do it as they had to be outside, because I could smell it on them when they came in.

rafichagran official guidance is that babies should not be exposed to third hand smoke, that means clothes worn while smoking. So anyone ‘handling’ the baby needs to be in fresh smoke free clothes. This is for a very important reason, to avoid sids, lung issues and toxins.
I don’t always agree with the dil asking questions re their mils, but this point I absolutely agree with.
But I do think re the binge drinking that’s not a surprise given her stressful job. No she shouldn’t do overnights, but I think a compromise where baby isn’t expose to smoke but mil can see and enjoy baby regularly can be made.

Also just someone with third hand smoke sets my migraines off. I can leave a room or get away but a poor wee baby relies on mum to make sure it’s safe.

I’m just curious for some reasoning from grandparents about WHY there’s this thought that she simply HAS to have “alone time” with my kids lest she “may as well just be cut out completely” (her words to my fiancé.)

Selfishness, is what I'd say.
Expressing her wish for alone time is one thing but continuing into attempts to pressurise shows that she is self-centred.

Farnorth I clearly do know the effects of third hand smoking, but why does a professional woman need to be told to have a change of clothes.
If she has showered and put on clean clothes and does not have a smoke before she visits the baby, that is enough. It is alful to tell her she must have a change of clothes after that. Pure overkill. Honestly I dont know anyone who behaves like this IRL
What the Grandmother does in her own home is her business, but she must accept the baby will not go there.

It’s your baby and if you are not comfortable with leaving her/ him overnight then don’t. End of. I wouldn’t if it were me. Just stick to visits that you are comfortable with, preferably outside.

As a direct answer to your question....No....I don’t understand this need to have alone time with a newborn. In fact, it shouldn’t be insisted upon at any age.

However, would you be asking this if your in laws weren’t so dysfunctional? You sound like you’ve already decided not to leave your children with them. I certainly would have advised that.

How on earth does your MIL function as a nurse? Her poor patients, smelling cigarette smoke all the time!

They sound horrendous tellmey. Your children first.....always. No need to justify.

Good luck with the birth, and hope it all goes well.

You say you like your MIL so I think if you want to try to retain a good relationship with her, maybe in the first instance gently tell her that the most important thing is for YOU to bond with your baby and establish a routine - if you’re breast feeding this further rules out alone time/overnight stays.

Having said that, I’ve seen a few threads on GN lately from grandparents who think they have similar rights, so it does seem to be a ‘thing’. If she’s insistent I think you may have to be honest and tell her your objections. Tricky. I wish you luck.