I have an older daughter, but I am pregnant currently and this will be my fiancé’s first and his parents’ first grandchild.
His mom seems to have assumed that she will have baby over unsupervised/for overnights, and really acts like there’s no possible way she could have a bond/relationship with him if she doesn’t get to have “alone time” with him.
For one, I am not currently working and don’t need childcare. For two, we send my daughter to daycare for social development and will be sending them both to daycare a few times a week once he is old enough (probably around 1.5) and they will continue at their daycare when I return to work after I finish university.
For two, MIL is a binge drinking alcoholic who is completely wasted by a few hours after noon every single time she has a day off, and her and her husband (step FIL) both smoke inside their house heavily and their home always reeks of cigarette smoke.
She is a nurse, and surely knows that an alcoholic indoor chain smoker is not a good choice for someone to leave your child with, yet seems to assume that just being grandma erases the importance of those two facts.
I will absolutely not be leaving my children with her alone, nor will they be spending time at her house supervised or not (my daughter already doesn’t) because the smoke residue is very unhealthy for children and it makes me ill as well.
I’m just curious for some reasoning from grandparents about WHY there’s this thought that she simply HAS to have “alone time” with my kids lest she “may as well just be cut out completely” (her words to my fiancé.)
I do like my MIL as a person, but I will not be putting the safety and health of my kids at risk to spare her feelings and I don’t feel particularly comfortable leaving my baby with anyone at all until they’re quite a bit bigger.
Also, what’s up with the idea that coming to my house and holding my baby is “helping me?” There’s a thousand things you could do to help me, and holding my newborn baby is not even on the list frankly.
We are doing no visitors except grandparents for the first 3 weeks, and will only be allowing once a week visits at most for the foreseeable future after baby is born. Once we are comfortable with the routine we have built and are ready for it, she is welcome to come to our house and spend time with him as long as she follows recommendations for smokers (wash hands thoroughly, change into a clean non smoked in shirt before trying to hold him and no kisses, which is for illnesses and smoker’s mouth as well.)
We currently see his parents a few times a month, always at his grandpa’s house as I am uncomfortable in their home and uncomfortable having my daughter there with the smoke residue and the smell. The plan is to continue seeing them around the same amount, and in the same places- our house, or grandpa’s.
I think that she has the expectation that the amount they see the baby will be astronomically higher than the amount they see us currently, and I just can’t wrap my head around why someone would think that having a baby makes us less busy as opposed to more. I am of the belief that you should expect to see a couple the same amount or less than you did before when they have a baby, not more.
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