DIL here, can I get some help understanding why there’s such an expectation of “alone time?”

freedomfromthepast let's hope MIL wouldn't take it that far but if she did, if it comes down to what she wants the way she wants or nothing, then what other choice is there

I agree GG65 "I don't think it's helpful to conflate the two".

"Estrangement isn’t a term that I think fits a situation involving limiting contact with someone who is in active addiction"

Estrangement is an easy cover all term, maybe severely limited contact is better to the point of the post?

"People just need to talk to one another, find and make compromises; why is that so hard?"

This is an easy concept for people who are mature and rational. As we know though, when dealing with irrational or toxic people, having a simple conversation or compromise will never happen.

The OP is communicating offering a reasonable compromise based on the circumstances. The MIL responded in an immature way (if I don't get what I want, I may as well have nothing at all).

This scenario could lead to estrangement, even though that is not what the OP wants, for now. If the MIL continues down this route, or escalates after the baby is born, she may very well find herself on the outs.

I can’t imagine any situation where a parent would be happy to leave their baby in the care of someone in active addiction.

If, for some reason, the OP’s husband doesn’t see the problem, then she would be best speaking to her health visitor about the situation. I’m sure the health visitor to be happy to have a word with her husband about safeguarding.

Estrangement isn’t a term that I think fits a situation involving limiting contact with someone who is in active addiction. Any alcohol support group for family members would encourage boundaries to be set around alcohol use, and that can involve not having a relationship with the individual whilst they are drinking/using/hungover. It’s certainly not estrangement in the sense discussed on this forum. I don’t think it’s helpful to conflate the two.

There's never been any suggestion from the OP about cutting off her future m.i.l. She posted earlier that she understood that it wouldn't go down well with her fiance if his mum "can't see the baby period".

She's also posted that she doesn't want her future m.i.l. to be "un involved". Estrangement isn't the answer for everyone and as well as having the health and welfare of her baby as her primary concern, she is also sensitive to the feelings of her fiance and those of his mum, who in several posts she posted kindly about.

This thread is about finding solutions and estrangement thank goodness isn't everyone's only solution.

1. There should be no expectation of "alone time" for a baby. Parents "bond" there is no requirement to GP bonding.

2. There'd be an expectation to no drinking or alcohol in vicinity of the baby.

3. If drinking and smoking lead to estrangement, so be it.

4. Amber "Exactly. If this MIL is cut off entirely for not being able to prioritise her gc’s safety, then that’s on her. And if the OP is concerned enough to make it an ultimatum with her partner, then fair enough frankly." -- Much more than fair enough

I haven't seen a d.i.l. being blamed. I've seen responses that have considered the OP's point of view and been understanding and sympathetic to it.

I've seen responses suggesting alternatives, possible compromises which it's always I'm sure is hoped can be found.

Actually this thread isn't about estrangement at all is it. It's about two adults working together to find a way of dealing with another adults life style that understandably raises concerns for their baby's welfare and safety.

Exactly. If this MIL is cut off entirely for not being able to prioritise her gc’s safety, then that’s on her. And if the OP is concerned enough to make it an ultimatum with her partner, then fair enough frankly.

It's amazing how often the sil or dil gets blamed. My husband still gets balmed for my estrangement even though every issue I have drawn attention too was mine alone.

In many cases the focus needs to be placed on the relative that has estranged not their spouse. Even in situations where the spouse is to blame, doing so will not help the relationship between parent and adult child, solely that relationship needs to be the focus between those 2 parties to bring it closer and work towards undoing influence.

As long as a couple are in agreement.

AmberSpyglass

" ...Limit contact with a parent who has a drinking problem, especially when children are involved."

I agree, limit contact to 3-4 meetings to a year at most.

Tbh, I don’t think I’ve ever known a couple where they haven’t been in agreement to limit contact with a parent who has a drinking problem, especially when children are involved.

Of course if she wants too the OP can cut her m.i.l. off but her husband, her m.i.l's son and father to their child may not wish to follow her lead.

WHY there’s this thought that she simply HAS to have “alone time” with my kids lest she “may as well just be cut out completely” (her words to my fiancé)

If she is this extreme, call her bluff and cut her off.
You do not negotiate with terrorists

I would have the same reservations as the poster. Couldn’t have smoking around a precious . new born. Whatever rules you and your husband have, please just do it kindly. It’s sad she gets drunk and smokes so much, you say she’s a nice person and does a valuable job, you have to wonder what her demons are, but that doesn’t make it right to be around children.

tellmey, "WHY there’s this thought that she simply HAS to have “alone time” with my kids lest she “may as well just be cut out completely” (her words to my fiancé.)

I think there are different notions on being a GP. Different involvement is key to differences. Some want to be with GC constantly and some two times to year. Some think I've raised my daughters, I'm done raising. Others want to raise again, YMMV.

It's baffling isn't it Madgran.

We have also seen ones from AC who think the GPs should do more!! As you say Smileless people just need to talk, find compromises that work OK for everyone ...no idea why it has to be so hard in some cases!!

It's all about finding the right balance isn't it grannypiper. We see posts from GP's who don't think they see enough of their GC and spend enough time with them. Posts from AC, son's and daughter's in law who think their in laws want too much contact and then there's you who it sounds as if you're finding it all a bit too much.

People just need to talk to one another, find and make compromises; why is that so hard?

As a Gran i have so much alone time with my DGC, in fact too much, the teenager spends every single school holiday with us and always has done. She just has it in her head that holidays are spent here, costs a fortune flying her back and forth but at least she can do it alone now instead of 2 return trips for me. I am dreading the day she doesn't come !

Quitting smoking is the hardest thing I have ever done. I am 15 years smoke free on May 15th. Best decision I have ever made. The addiction is so horrible that even now at time, 15 years later, I sometimes feel that twinge if I smell it. Not that often, but those trigger times are still engrained.

Thanks both!

Congratulations on quitting! VS, I’ve seen how hard it can be!