DIL here, can I get some help understanding why there’s such an expectation of “alone time?”

Parsley3- there is really no scenario where it will not be appropriate for my fiance and I to dictate how often we want people in our house as we care for the new baby. I see many young mothers not allowing any visitors at all, for any reason, for the first few weeks. Once a week until we are feeling up to more is us compromising- we would love to have the first few weeks to ourselves entirely, but we know that it is important to both our sets of parents to meet the baby and get to see him some. However it is far more important for us (and for the baby) to bond with him and to establish our new routine as a family of 4, and there is no reason anyone needs to come to our home more than once a week when baby is that new.

I allowed others to dictate when they would come see my daughter when she was born and was too weak to establish boundaries, and having people constantly at my house was absolutely exhausting, not enjoyable for me at all and contributed majorly to my postpartum depression. We want a quiet household for the first few weeks of baby's life. The only people baby "needs" are his parents.

If I need help more than once a week, I will contact my own mother- because she has no expectation of holding the baby when she comes to my house if I ask for help, and I am comfortable enough with her that it doesn't feel like entertaining a guest. I can also ask my mom to leave without feeling guilty or hurting her feelings. That is nothing against his mother, simply that it is me who will be recovering from a major medical procedure and I naturally want my own mother for comfort if I need comfort and help from someone.

My mom has been told the same rule, once a week, which she will follow unless I ask for her help. If she is called to help, it will not be to hold or spend time with the baby but to help ME.

@Froglady, she is a fine nurse and is never drunk at work. I just don't trust that she could have the self control to not drink if she didn't work the next day and was at home with access to alcohol- I would have no faith that they wouldn't have the kids at their house and think, "What would a drink or two hurt? They wouldn't find out." Once they START drinking, they can't stop. I just can't trust their judgment with alcohol- fiance's grandpa lives 30-40 minutes away, they go up to visit him every Saturday and start drinking up there at 11 am. By around 4 PM they are completely wasted, and then they drive home. That to me says pretty plainly that they are incapable of making rational decisions regarding alcohol.

To everyone asking about how she holds down a job: Froglady is correct, they are functioning alcoholics. They get up at 4 am to get to work, and only drink when they will not be working the next day so that they aren't hung over at work. she has three days off a week and works four, and is completely and utterly wasted by early afternoon every single day she has off. She recently took a week off for vacation and was wasted every day of that week, but they control themselves enough to hold down their jobs.

@Rafichagran- wearing a shirt that hasn't been smoked in is quite literally to the recommendation of doctors and pediatricians. If she has smoked in the shirt she's wearing and holds the baby, he is being exposed to smoke residue on her shirt which is not safe for him. The rules on visiting are for our own sanity and apply to everyone, smokers or not. She doesn't have to change once she gets to our home, just has to wear a shirt that is clean and not smoke in that shirt before coming to see the baby. Not sure why that seeems so insane.
What part of what I have said is overly controlling? We both have enormous families who would be in our house every day if we didn't establish boundaries. We don't want people in our home that often while we get used to caring for the new baby and feel that we deserve private family time for our immediate family, which includes me, my fiance, and my daughter.

@Lucca- The rules about visiting during the first few weeks apply to everyone, including my own family who do not drink or smoke. They would absolutely still apply if his parents did not drink or smoke. We just don't want to be entertaining guests in our home constantly while we try to get used to being a family of 4, and I don't believe that having a baby makes us less busy or that having a baby means that anyone should expect to see us way more than they do pre baby.

After the baby is a year or so old, he will likely stay at my parents' house like my daughter does to give us a break on the weekend occasionally. If his parents did not have issues with addiction and kept a reasonably clean home (there is cat litter, hair, dust, animal fur, rabbit pellets, and hay covering their floor and home unfortunately, which doesn't make for a great environment for a crawling baby,) then they would be equally welcome to spend alone time with him at their home to babysit on the occasion we ask for or need a babysitter. However with their addictions and the state they keep their home in, I just don't feel that that is a reasonable request.

@Gagajo- I LIKE my MIL as a person- I don't want her uninvolved, and I do want her to have a relationship with our child. That being said, the health and safety of my children certainly comes before her feelings. I honestly am really surprised that as a nurse she would even think it would be appropriate to ask for the kids to be at her house because she should know better.
Like I did say in the post, we will be seeing them as much as we do now, spending plenty of time with them at fiance's grandpa's house, and they are welcome to our house once a week for the first few weeks (the same rule as everyone else in the family, including my parents) and can come over more frequently than that when we have established a routine.
We have been agonizing over how to make the holidays equal between our two families, I always send her ultrasound photos, baby updates, videos of the heartbeat on our at home doppler because I want her to feel included. Wanting her to feel included and involved simply doesn't and won't involve me putting my children's health and safety at risk, though.

@Bluebelle, my fiance is on my side. What about the "dos and don'ts" here seem unreasonable to you? My fiance was mostly raised by his grandmother, because his mother has been an alcoholic for decades. His grandmother also smoked inside, which is probably why he also smoked for years (being around smokers increases the risk of a child growing up to do so themselves by a massive amount,) and he also had severe childhood asthma as a result of the smoke exposure. I know that it hasn't always been known to be unsafe, but we now know that it is incredibly unsafe for children to be exposed to smoke or residue from cigarettes and increases the risk of many health issues (including sudden infant death syndrome) dramatically.

@Froglady, yes I am worried about that as well. I don't really know what to do about that as I do feel it would not go down well with my fiance (understandably) to say she can't see the baby period. He is on my side with not in her house though. I have three babies in my side of the family who have passed away from SIDS, and all 3 lived with heavy smokers (two of whom smoked inside) so it is just really terrifying to me.

@Chardy- I am sure that she COULD get help, but they have been alcoholics for decades and I don't believe that she sees it as an issue, nor do I really think that it is my place or responsibility to try and get her to stop or have that talk with her as her DIL. I kind of think it is her responsibility to take care of her own issues if she wants the privilege of being alone with someone's children.

Smileless2012

That's a good point Froglady so of the OP's future m.i.l. is a binge drinking alcoholic and able not to drink unless it's her day off, presumably she could not drink when she knew she was seeing her GC.

Not ideal and there's also the smoking to take into account but you've made a good point there.

Thank you for the positive response.

I used to look after a baby who lived in a smoker's household.
My daughter could tell when this baby was at our house because the smell of smoke on the baby's coat, in my hall, permeated through three closed doors and upstairs to my daughter's bedroom.
I looked after another child who was on inhalers and regularly taken to hospital with breathing problems. Child's parents were always worried and upset. Child's parents smoked. No connection obviously... ?

tellmey you are quite right not to allow your baby to spend any time in your mother-in-law's house. Even if she promised not to smoke while the baby was there, the smoke will be in everything in the house as you have already found.
Stick to your plans, they sound well thought out and perfectly reasonable to me.
Your mother-in-law has no right to demand alone-time and certainly shouldn't be resorting to emotional blackmail over it.
If she had any sense or genuine concern for the baby's welfare she'd realise this.

I'm curious to know what the 'thousand of thing's' MIL could do too help you (other than holding the baby) perhaps you can build in those thing's in a visit?
Certainly no alone time..... as a GM I would not want the responsibility.

Good Luck

Bobbysgirl19

I remember another poster posing a very similar question about so called ‘Alone Time’ two years ago, I found it odd then and I find the concept odd now.
The majority of Grandparents just don’t act like that I’m sure,
me included.

Totally agree. I dont know anyone who expects it.

As I am not a grandparent, perhaps I shouldn't comment, but the heavy smoking household would be a definite no for me, and as for the drinking, if it is as bad as you say, that too would be a no. But; what you describe as alcoholism, is it? Or is this a woman who has a few too many drinks on her days off from a stressful job? I have to say, you come across as a wee bit controlling and judgemental, all this who will/will not be allowed to visit, can't you just recognise that the woman is excited about her first grandchild?

I remember another poster posing a very similar question about so called ‘Alone Time’ two years ago, I found it odd then and I find the concept odd now.
The majority of Grandparents just don’t act like that I’m sure,
me included.

I don't think you can "get an explanation" tellmey because Grandparents, families and young parents are not an amorphous mass who all think/feel/behave the same, as demonstrated by the variety of replies, suggestions and practices outlined in the replies on this thread.
To be honest, the main thing that strikes me is that you give little information about your partner's views on this situation. I suggest that you sit down together, discuss the situation regarding his mum, discuss all concerns as well as potential positives. Agree together what you want as parents, what you feel is right for your child and for you.

Once you two are clear on that agree together how you are going to explain to MiL, how you will respond if she keeps pushing etc. Agree to main a consistency in how you both respond. If appropriate, arrange to meet with MiL to make absolutely clear how you want things to be. And just keep being consistent, not engaging in debate on what she wants or why "you need to change your mind" (if MiL suggests that) - just say "we have explained our views. I know you don't agree but we are happy with our decision"

Good luck

I really dont get either why Grans insist/want alone time. I personally would not like it, I have had my own children

I take your point Gajo. I can remember my brother and I staying with our grandparents occasionally. I imagine they offered to have us, or possibly our parents asked, not sure which. I agree it can be a winning formula if it's a mutual agreement and dare I say it from what I see around me sometimes it appears that the grandparents do give young children their undivided attention, far less likely to be distracted by their phones by other things.

I'm wondering how many grandparents of yesteryear insisted on "alone time". It does appear that some grandparents have this whole proprietary thing going on as if it's some sort of battle, literally a hill they will die on to get what they want, even if that means jeopardising their relationship with the parents of those children.

We did have our grandchildren overnight from toddler stage, but we were asked to rather than the other way round.

I agree Gagajo my children stayed overnight with MIL at the baby stage now and again. Not because she insisted, bit to be helpful. My husband and I loved her dearly and knew how reliable she was. She was also happy to be 'told' what we wanted done and did it.
My children have nothing but good memories of their stay with her. The eldest who stayed more often is particularly fond of his memories of her.
My mother was a different story.

I know there are genuine concerns for the op to consider here, bit we get this type of post periodically, and it causes such hostility.
Each to his own I say.

Grandtanteje65, I'm assuming you're younger than my granny, who would be 115 now. Both myself and my brother, plus my cousins certainly stayed over with our grand parents. So it certainly isn't an abberation of the younger generation. Just because one family doesn't do it, doesn't mean a family that does is wrong.

DD was very happy for DGS1 to stay over when he was 3 months old. He was a fractious baby, with tummy aches and I suggested he stay over so they could catch up with some sleep. It went down so well that when DGS2 was born we’d have them overnight every other Saturday so DD and SIL could have a date night and their “alone time “. We had everything needed at our house so it was home from home to the boys.

However, DD was not the type to want to keep her babies to herself for the first however many months parents do now. Neither has anyone in our family not wanted visitors or babysitters.

Horses for courses and all that. What works for one family doesn’t for another and if OPs MIL comes from a family that does mix straight away it’s understandable she would act this way. She needs things explained gently that it’s not the way OP wants to do things.

The only 'alone' time I had with any of my dgc when they were young babies was when I took them out for a stroll in their prams, so that Mum and/or Dad could have break. They were more than happy about that.

Timed so that baby was well-fed in advance, there was a good chance that they would sleep for much of that time anyway.
That said, one was a very unsettled baby who cried a great deal for no apparent reason - her parents were especially happy for me to take her out!

I would not wanted any more responsibility or alone time than that when they were that age.

When the mums went back to work (by then their little ones were between nine months and 13 months old) it was a different matter -they begged me to look after them for a few days a week, and were asking for me to have them overnight occasionally by the time they were 18 months old. They were keener for that to happen than I was!

OP, your situation is different. You know what you want/don't want for your baby, and it is poles apart from your MiL's expectations.
You have very good reasons, because of the smoking and drinking, for controlling/limiting her contact, but even if those factors didn't exist, you would probably still not want what your mil wants.

You and your husband are the parents. You and he get to decide how you raise your family. If there is room for compromise, it's always worth considering, but it doesn't really sound very likely in your situation.

Would your fiancé consider the solution that my great-niece and her fiancé adopted?

Both had mothers who were alcoholics.

When their first child was born, the young couple told their mothers (when both were sober ) that they would be welcome to visit if they were sober and remained so for the duration of their visit. If not, they would be driven home.

They also stated clearly that if they came for a pre-arranged visit and found Mum drunk, they would go straight back home.

My niece had to do so once. After that my sister was sober when her daughter and grandson, later grandsons came, and finally succeeded in stopping drinking.

The other mother either could not or would not break her addiction and having been driven home by her son, among other occass'ions on the day of the younger boy's christening, stopped coming.

Your priority is quite rightly your children and making a good home for them.

Why any sane grandmother should think that taking an infant in arms out of his home and away from his mother for 24 hours a good thing, I do not know.

My generation, and my mother's would only have considered such a traumatic exeperience for a baby in the case of serious infectious illness in the home.

A lot of nurses certainly used to be heavy smokers and/or drinkers.
The smokers shelter outside our local hospital is often quite crowded with staff.
I guess they'd say it's because of the stressful job.

I agree with others I can understand her wanting the baby to sleep over,when he’s 3 or 4 to make precious memories with him but let’s be honest new babies are a little boring that’s all they do is eat sleep and cry, so why would she want to get up in the early hours with him.
As for the smoking and drinking I would never leave any child of any age in her care
Your the parents so you need to make it plain when the baby comes she’s welcome to come over and visit, your husband needs to back you up on this.
It amazes me that a nurse can’t see the dangers of what she’s asking, I would never have allowed my children into a cigarette smoke filled house.