Visiting children and grandchildren

Peterson - come on - you live abroad, you are the person (I guess) who has chosen to do that and leave his adult children and grandchildren with an absent grandfather. You have put the distance between you. And you may have very much altered your family dynamic.

You say your daughter's mother looks after the grandchildren every week - I presume you mean your ex-wife? Why should she have to disappear so you can visit?

And where does the idea that you can stay in your children's homes come from? Your son and daughter might not want you for more than a few hours at a time, and likewise they might not want your wife as a house guest. No judgement here, just alerting you to the dynamics of second marriages and the wishes of parents who have chosen to be absent to suddenly re-insert themselves in the lives of their children when it suits.

So yes YABU - if your grandchildren are so important to you, get on with your bnb and be grateful that you will have the opportunity to meet them all at intervals.

Riggie

*What's wrong with hotels and bnbs?*

Nothing but if they can have friends to stay it speaks volumes if they can't accommodate a parent and his partner.

Except they did accommodate the parent and partner.

Just not the whole time

I agree with Peablossom & others. Our DGC & parents live 5000 miles away & we've not seen them for 3 years. DH & I are going over soon, and (by discussion) we won't stay in their house for long, but will have other accommodation for much of the time. We appreciate that it's hard work having guests for any length of time, and this is doubly so, if the hosts are working. Visitors staying elsewhere gives everyone a break!

I suspect with lots of threads like this a throughly irate parent/grandparent, goes online looking for forums to moan on and by the time they have finished have doing this, they have completely lost track on where they have posted and anyway, having had a good moan they feel so much better, thye just get on iwth their lives and never feel a need to checkout any of these sites or threads again.

Riggie

*What's wrong with hotels and bnbs?*

Nothing but if they can have friends to stay it speaks volumes if they can't accommodate a parent and his partner.

They are accommodating him and his partner though. Both children are happy for their dad and his partner to stay in their homes - just not for the entire trip because they have prior commitments and work commitments. I think it speaks volumes that the OP can’t understand this and is “ready to give up on them”.

It would seem to me that no proper conversations are taking place between all concerned. If i want to visit my AC and GC, I always give lots of notice and we discuss if it's convenient for all. This does not appear to have happened in this instance.

What's wrong with hotels and bnbs?

Nothing but if they can have friends to stay it speaks volumes if they can't accommodate a parent and his partner.

I would be quite surprised if whatever sex they may be the OP returns. They tend not to.

Do we know Peterson is definitely a man? ‘ He ‘ writes more like an entitled grandmother. I never think men are as bad, but I’m sure someone will have an example of one who is.

I kind of see it from both sides, but ‘he’ is the ne who’s moved away. It’s difficult, but our children are now the ones with busy lives, and we just have to fit in.

You say you are "going mad" with what you see as "complete selfishness from both children".
Thats enough for me to totally understand why said children would want to swerve having you come and stay with them.

You are being very unreasonable almost demanding they drop everything for your visit. Life is not like that. You have to fit in with them not them with you. It is their homes, their children, their life. You have chosen yours, you are the ones who have to be flexible and accept what is offered. Some of us have not seen our DGC for years and would drop everything for a weekend with them. My partner and I would never stay at my children's place but always book a hotel room. Slightly different when it is Mum & Dad. You have a second wife not the children's mother it is difficult having other people with different habits staying when you have young children.

I agree it.is always better to have separate digs if possible.
The saying that "Guests, like fish, stink after three days" has a lot of truth in it.
We can all try to be accommodating for a few days but then reality kicks in and routines need to be re-established.
When my daughter and her family visit us, our house was designed and built to accommodate two people, they stay in the local Premier Inn. Comfortable affordable and their stuff is not cluttering up our house and they have their own bathroom. What is not to like?We have adopted the same principle when visiting them as their twins are teenagers now and need the privacy of their own bedrooms and my daughter's bedroom, although big, is also serving as a home office now. So we choose to stay at a lovely B+B in the same village less than five minutes walk away. We like our own space and I'm sure that they do too.

Perhaps they hate you.
Perhaps they don't
Why don't you ask

Everyone is so busy nowadays and my lads don’t live near me as both met wife’s from different places but when I visit I wouldn’t expect them to change their plans or expect to stay in there homes. I do similar to you stay in homes and hotels. End of day it’s not what you want it’s what is easier for them. Stop tossing your dummy out the pram and making a mountain out of a molehill. Go enjoy yourself after all if covid as taught us anything that family is important. Don’t let your grandkids think your grumpy grandad

I completely agree Peasblossom. It's not reasonable to expect everyone to manage their lives to fit someone else's preferences and schedule. If anything, the retired person probably has more flexibility than a busy young family. Maybe OP could visit alone for a week? I'm sure he'd rather go with his wife but maybe one of the consequences of choosing to live abroad is that sometimes, that can't happen?

I think you have to remember your children have their lives too, but having a few quality days is surely better than nothing. Do you invite them to stay with you in the school holidays? Maybe that’s an option to explore for the future, especially as the grandchildren get older and can travel without parents.
Surely the days when you can’t see them, maybe offer to take the grandchildren out for the day, or at least do something yourselves to enjoy your time so when you see the next child you can be positive about your time and not moan about the limited visiting time.

You are being unreasonable. Did you ask them what their arrangements are before you took your decision? School holidays don’t suddenly pop up so did you plan well in advance? Our children have grown up, married and have families and if both parents work they have to have fail-safe childcare arrangements. Times have changed since we were young. If you choose to live abroad you won’t be able to “drop in” so it is more complicated.

I suppose my point about him living abroad was that, by choice, he’s not part of their everyday lives. And life goes on. When someone moves away you don’t sit in a vacuum, you get busy with other things and other people.

They have made space to see him. Just not what he wants.

I absolutely agree with you all sorts. I’m 100% in favour if people choosing how to live their lives. He’s made a good choice and is obviously happy in his new life.

What I wanted to point out was that his children also have their own lives and he should understand that they also can make choices about how they live them.

He does rather expect everyone to rearrange their lives to suit his.

Peasblossom, why shouldn’t the man move abroad and have a new partner? If he lived round the corner waiting for invites that wouldn’t be right either. Grown up people make their own decisions. His child is a grown woman with her own family, it’s just a matter of compromise which under the circumstances with Covid and everyone’s pIans to pot I would have thought they could have, but no matter, as I ve already said what I would do, go, accept what is on offer, say nothing, next time ask them when it’s convenient for all involved when they should visit during the times they have available, good luck with that. However, I could quite understand him cancelling it until they come up with a suitable time that suits both sides.

I agree agnurse. The children may not be comfortable with grandpa and wife. That does not mean they are not capable, she is a teacher for goodness sake. But would she even want to spend her holiday watching young children?

Children, especially young children, need routine.

Another consideration: if the daughter and SIL have to work, it may still be necessary to have Granny over to baby-sit. Now, I am NOT saying that OP and his wife are incompetent. Hear me out. Rather, depending on how communication has been with the family, the children may not know them very well and may be uncomfortable being left with adults they don't know. Also, for some children, routines are hugely important and having visitors for several days can really throw off their routines.

Taylor2016

Planning & communication is key it would appear. Although I do wonder on occasions when everyone is 'busy' ....... maybe..... we all need to take a step back and allow family/friend's visit's to go with the flow.... Why does everything have to be 'planned'
When we die..... everyone rallies round?! Just a thought.....

It's a whole lot different to tell employers and others that your parent/child/grandparent/grandchild has died than that they have decided they are visiting this particular week. Everyone knows life happens and some things are out of our control. Visiting in a set week 'just because' isn't one of those things.

Of course flexibility is important - on both sides. Nominating a particular week as the only possibility and expecting to be accommodated is unreasonable and inflexible. Mutual respect should see the time for a visit discussed and worked out together - with both sides being flexible where possible. OP isn't doing this.

I think there are a few holes in your plans. You want to visit for only ONE specific week, because that's the only time your wife has off. What if that's a difficult week for your children? Work & day to day life don't stop because a part-time parent wants to visit.

If it's so difficult for your wife to get time off, why don't you synchronise with your children, find a week that suits them and come back on your own? Much easier for a retired man with no other plans to fit in with them than for 2 families (how many people in total?) to fit in with you.

I think if the visit was instigated and at a time chosen by OP he should be prepared to make whatever compromises are necessary.
If invited by his S and DIL one would assume they had chosen a time when they were free and did not have anybody else visiting.
Somehow I don’t think the latter is the case.