Adult stepson wants to move back in again, what do we do?

I do see how difficult this feels for you, but my heart is with trisher - my home would be their home too if the need arose. But then I am now on my own and would love the company.

A big NO imo.
I agree with alot of the posters have written.
He`s an adult and as such should act like one.

All credit to your stepson for not wanting to expose his children to the housemate’s drinking. However he should be looking for a flat of his own or a more suitable house share as he is working. I would try to help him with that, perhaps whilst giving him a home with you for a fixed period. We are after all coming up to Christmas and I’m sure you would want to know he and his children are ok over that time. The New Year could be a perfect time for a new start. Given your very different lifestyles I can’t imagine more than a temporary home with you working out. Good luck!

No, you're not being mean. You and your OH need to discuss this before Sunday's meeting and form a united front in preparation for what the son might be asking.

This might be a short term thing after all. If he does move in you have to set the ground rules, he's an adult and shouldn't be relying on you to clean up after him.

Also, what ages are his children, will you be expected to be a child minder?

Am I desperately mean?

No more than you were in your dealings with your brother over the family home.

trisher

Sorry I disagree with almost everyone. If any of my 3 DSs needed a home whilst I had the space they always knew they could come home. It never meant they wanted to live with me for ever. It was just a place they could come to when they needed a little extra support. All of them moved in and out at different periods of their life and one brought a child with him. Maybe I'm weird but I can't see the point of a beautiful renovated house if it isn't there to provide shelter for a family member who needs it.

Yes, we have done the same. But I think there is a difference here, is that Mamma66 has a strong inkling that this will not be a stopgap of a few months, but that he intends to live there forever.

And I think she is quite right to say that she does not feel comfortable with this. Totally fair.

Kali2

trisher

Sorry I disagree with almost everyone. If any of my 3 DSs needed a home whilst I had the space they always knew they could come home. It never meant they wanted to live with me for ever. It was just a place they could come to when they needed a little extra support. All of them moved in and out at different periods of their life and one brought a child with him. Maybe I'm weird but I can't see the point of a beautiful renovated house if it isn't there to provide shelter for a family member who needs it.

Yes, we have done the same. But I think there is a difference here, is that Mamma66 has a strong inkling that this will not be a stopgap of a few months, but that he intends to live there forever.

And I think she is quite right to say that she does not feel comfortable with this. Totally fair.

I never knew how long any of my DSs would stay. They all moved out eventually. Maybe they found living with me difficult and were happy to go! Actually I think you just need to make clear to them that they are adults and you aren't going to take care of them like you did when they were children. Then the benefits of living on their own seem more obvious.

An alternative scenario, perhaps worth considering?

Stepson finds a bedsit or flat share for himself.

The weekends when he has his sons (your grandsons) the 3 of them stay with you. They could share one room (bunk beds and a single) and leave some of their 'stuff' there between visits.

Just a thought......

That's a good idea Granny23.

Of course I would provide accomodation for any of my children and their children , on the strict understanding it is a temporary situation! I get the impression from Mamma this would be a long term arrangement and for me that would be unacceptable!!!

Trisha - mine have all been back at various times. One lived here with her partner for almost a year whilst they saved a deposit. One appeared with husband and 3 year old, baby arrived three weeks later. They were here 4 months due to delays in work in their house. Then of course there have been various short stays when life wasn’t going smoothly. We are all different and the OP clearly is uneasy about it.

I do understand your dilemma but if he is the 34 year old I think he should be able to make his own arrangements for day to day living. A good idea that he could come to you sometimes when he has the boys. Our AC came and went for a few short years after Uni but not sure how easy it would be for us all together now, except in an emergency.

trisher I m with you on this one l personally wouldnt say no
I have had mine move back on a couple of Occassions one for some months one for a year with children My house is not a show house or for me alone it was their family home and as such I feel they could take shelter there if needed
But I understand that it’s not a forever situation and as long as you both agree on an end date then I think that’s the best way forward or the half way house that Granny23 digested although it’s a bit of a waste to be paying rent and only using part time

I recently had a situation where a very presentable woman became very visibly homeless. Two people telephoned me to say they were going to offer her a room and asked what I thought about it. My response was to ask them if they were prepared for the offer to be for the woman’s lifetime, and if not were they prepared to be the ones responsible for making her homeless again. Of course the answer to both was a resounding no and they decided against offering her a room. (She has since been helped with appropriate accommodation.)

The thing is, if you take this family in, are you prepared for it to be open-ended? Because there’s no guarantee that they’ll be in any better position to move when the time limits are reached. If you’re not then I would offer to help in other ways - with the deposit for private rental etc.

Personally I wouldn’t turn a hair at any of my family members moving back home for a long or a short time, but that’s always been our way of life and I know that for many it’s just not doable for many reasons.

Hi Mamma
I'm thinking along the same lines here as trisher. We also have three sons and they have all returned to us at some point, maybe on two occasions as well. When they finished University, there was a gap in between that and moving into work.
Also after living abroad and returning to UK there was a need to return home for a while.
But we both always knew it was a temporary situation and they were probably keener to move on than we were! I hasten to add they were all single at the time and also child-free.
I hope you will be able to accommodate your stepson if only for a few months until he can find his own place.
He will no doubt appreciate this act of kindness from you and his father and will be the foundation for a continuing good relationship for all of you.
Whatever you decide, I hope it all works out for your family.

Also with Trisher, my home is always available to my offspring and that’s the long and the short of it.

I'm never going to say no to my AC wanting to come home and this will always be a home to them but, I don't think it's the best living arrangement, I am still waiting for the day that I won't be cleaning up after everyone else or being kept awake by people who don't need as much sleep as I do and I do think it's OK to say no and doesn't make OP a bad mum/stepmum.

Wow that was a runon sentence

Finding a new rental property is proving very hard for my son at the moment. (He needs to move to another town as his new job means he now has a very long commute).
Rentals have gone almost before they're even advertised it seems, so be prepared for that!

OP also says that the last time stepson stayed with them, it was for three and a half years and it took very strong hints to get him to move out. So it doesn’t bode well if they said he could stay on a temporary basis for just three months.

I really don't know how I would react. I think it depends a lot on the reason for the request. And his own social and financial situatiion.
eg where is the mother? current problems re custody?
One other suggestion - when you have the discussion first ask him to present his "case" - eg how long he needs to stay, what he's going to contribute to the house, financially and practically.etc.
As you have children this age you're obviously looking forward to a peaceful life. Don't blame you!

DH and I had another chat about it this morning and we think we have come to a solution which seems fair to both of us.

We will wait to see what my stepson says on Sunday and depending on what he says, we are going to say that he can stay for up to 12 weeks whilst he sorts himself out. He will have to put his furniture in storage (we don’t have a garage anymore and the loft is very limited). We ourselves have been using a storage unit due to limited storage space and the price for the first 12 weeks is reasonable, after that it literally doubles in price. That will give us and him a finite and definite time frame. We will also offer to help him to sort out new accommodation but make it clear that staying long term would not be an option. Apart from anything else his shift pattern would make life difficult. We are also going to ask him to contribute for food but left him off board so he can save up for the costs relating to moving. Our grandsons are almost 14 and 11 and the 14 year old has started eating like a horse, so feeding him would be expensive

After 12 weeks they will not want to leave don’t go down that road, what is the difference between finding a place now, or in 12 weeks.
Either say “no” or accept that it’s going to be long term, your choice.

Mine both boomeranged ,my son came home after a breakup with his daughter in tow. He worked shifts so caring for her in a place by himself wouldn't have worked.She was a year old ,she was here 3 or 4 days and nights a week and only moved out a year after her dad, when we knew his new relationship was stable and his new partner loved her as well as her dad.She was 10.We have a lovely close relationship with all our GC but madam still thinks of our house as home and her bedroom is still her bedroom for visits .The welfare of my children and their children is the most important thing to me ,I would never refuse a home to any of them for as long as they eneded it and thankfully my OH feels the same .

"Last time he lived with us we had to make very strong hints about him moving out after three and a half years."

Huge on to moving in.

You may not be able to get him out in years again